


lii^j^tKi^a;'??; 




FOUR CENTURIES AFTER 



OR 



How I Discovered Europe 



BY 



BEN HOLT 



T7v / 



NEW YORK 
1893 



Itb* mbrary 

lor CONGRESS 
WASHlNOrON 



Copyright, 1893, by 
BEN HOLT 



Press of J. J. Little & Co. 
Astor Place, New York 



THIS VOLUME IS 

AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED 

TO HANK AND THE OTHER " BOYS " 

WITH WHOM THE AUTHOR USED TO EXPLORE 

THE NEIGHBORING ORCHARDS AND 

MELON PATCHES 



Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive 
in 2011 witii funding from 
Tine Library of Congress 



littp://www.arcliive.org/details/fourcenturiesaftOOIiolt 



PREFACE 

Alas ! Bacon is dead, and is thus unfitted to 
defend himself against his constantly accumulating 
fame. A feeling of justice toward a man thus 
handicapped led me to adopt a style in this volume 
unlike that which we find in his (Bacon's) classical 
writings, put forth over the pseudonym of " Billy 
Shakespeare," and his other justly famous works, 
entitled ** Robinson Crusoe," "Pilgrim's Progress," 
" The Holy War," etc. Notwithstanding the care I 
have exercised in ferreting out a unique style, 
I still feel apprehensive that some retrospective 
critic may sit down, on perusing this book, and 
write a much thicker one in which he will set forth 
proof that this is but another piece of Bacon's 
handiwork. The man who would make such an 
attempt— who would attribute this work to Bacon 
— would deserve to meet the fate with which 
Shakespeare threatened the person who should 
have the temerity to molest his bones ; and I 
would respectfully and modestly, yet energetically, 
meet such an attempt to place this last straw on 
the back of Bacon's fame with a positive denial 
in the morning papers, though by so doing I 
should be accused of attempting to boom the sale 



vi Preface 

of my book. No other motive than that springing 
from a desire to shield Bacon's fame could have 
induced me to adopt such an outrageously unique 
style — in mixing pathetic attempts at pathos with 
humor more than a yard wide ; stubborn facts 
with fanciful metaphysics ; and somewhat inco- 
herent dreams with serious observations on the 
apparent irregularity of the sun's movements. No 
other motive could have induced me to abandon a 
classical style — a style that would have caused 
Bacon to decline several points in the market 
quotations. This is my plea ! 

At first I thought of announcing : " I am a 
genius ! I have disguised the fact as long as I 
can ; I now plead guilty, and trust to the clemency 
of the generous and forbearing world ! " But I 
am not quite sure of my identity — my knowledge 
of zoology being meagre, I am not positive that I 
could identify a genius ; so I will defer such a bold 
announcement. 

Now that I have the floor, and the public's ear 
(which ear, by the way, I agree not to convert into 
a purse), I will further anticipate. 

Some purchasers of this book will complain that 
it is too thin for the money. To those I would 
say : I have taken great pains not to build my 
book too big for the idea it contains ; and I trust 
that the reader will appreciate the resulting nice 
proportions. It will be easily understood that an 
idea contained indefinitely somewhere in a book 
twice the thickness of this volume would not be 
easily accessible ; and in searching for it (the 



Preface vii 

idea) the reader might become discouraged, lay the 
book aside, and thus fail to reap the benefit of its 
teachings. I have a large stock of words, idle words, 
which I could have inserted, and thus have made 
my book as thick and formidable as those of my 
contemporaries ; but, for reasons offered above, I 
have excluded all desiccated leaves, confining my 
" say " within the narrow limits of these boards. 

As to the charge of writing a work on 
" Travel," although the true nature of the book 
is somewhat disguised by its title, I suppose I 
should plead guilty to the charge — at least, my 
attorney advises me to do so, adding that, if 
conviction follows, I will not be sent up for so 
long a time. He is doubtless trying to frighten 
me. I tell him that a crime so universal as that 
of writing a book on travel can have no penalty 
attached, as, if an attempt were made to convict 
all guilty of the offence, there would be no one 
left to execute the penalty : that you might as 
well attach a penalty to the act of breathing. 

I wish to say that I have thoroughly edited 
this book. So much hastily constructed work has 
been hurled upon the market of late, publishers 
have resorted to the device of announcing that, 
" This book has passed through ' steen editions '! " 
— implying that, " Now its diction and style are 
somewhat sobered down — its wild and wayward 
expressions have been ' cosseted ' to a degree 
suiting the approved style, or formula, of its pub- 
lishers. Careful public! you are safe to be seen 
reading this book at your fireside, or in public. 



viii Preface 

Buy a copy ! " I believe in being the author of 
my book (not leaving it to my publishers), so 
that, should the offence entail immortality, I will 
have myself to blame. This is generous, as it 
relieves my publishers of a great responsibility. 

Trusting that this book may beckon the reader 
upward to a higher plane of intellectual life, or, 
exercising its force from the opposite direction, 
serve as a goad to drive him upward, I — the 
" Author," the " Offender " — subscribe myself, 
Faithfully yours, 

BEN HOLT. 



FOUR CENTURIES AFTER 



OR 



How I Discovered Europe 
PART I 



THE SPIRIT OF Discov- The approEch of our great 
^^^' National event, the four hun- 

dredth anniversary of the so-called discovery of 
America, has called to mind the prospect of our 
running out of material wherewith we may satisfy 
the spirit of discovery. This spirit of discovery 
is inborn. It is exercised early in life in locating 
the neighboring fruit orchard. Later in life, we 
start out to discover to the expectant world the 
frailties of our neighbors, although we may pre- 
tend we are in search of virtue or a westerly pas- 
sage to the spicy fragrance of the Cathayan shore. 
According to the lexicogra- 

WE ARE RUNNING ° _ ° 

OUT OF ORIGINAL Dis- phcrs' dcfinitionof "discovery," 
covERY MATERIAL, ^j^g uudlsco vcred, the unknown 
parts of this earth's surface, would seem to be nar- 
rowed down to a very insignificant area. And do 
we not know enough of the undiscovered patches 



Four Centuries After 



to be led to believe that a further knowledge 
of them would add very little to the comforts of 
man, although it might give a name and a touch 
of color here and there on our atlas ? 

Yes : it would seem that we are 

HOW ARE WE TO SAT- 

isFY THE SPIRIT OF thc samc as out of original discov- 
DiscovERY? gj.y material, although the spirit 

of discovery is still abroad, seeking whom it 
may mesmerize. Here is a want ; and, assuming 
that every rational want should be provided with 
the wholesome means of its gratification, how 
are we to satisfy this spirit of discovery ? This 
is a burning question — I might characterize it 
as a scorcher. Nights, while restlessly turning 
on my pillow, I have frugally utilized the per- 
formance in turning this question over in my 
mind ; I believe I have studied its every aspect, 
and am well prepared to offer a rational reply to 
this perplexing question. 

THE GAME CALLED Havc not thc attcmpts in the 

"hide-and-go-seek." line of discovery during the last 
century been very like the game called " hide- 
and-go-seek " ? An expedition, made up of men 
of large imagination, starts out for the North 
Pole, or '* Darkest Africa ; " at the expiration of 
a certain length of time they cry " Coop ! " — or 
their friends at home imagine they hear such a 
call ; then another expedition is made up to go in 
quest of those in hiding — " to go to their relief." 
A thorough search discloses expedition No. i ; if 
in the Arctic regions, they should be detected in 
the act of eating their moccasins, possibly devour- 



Four Centuries After 



ing one another; if in the wilds of "Darkest 
Africa," they are apparently well satisfied to re- 
main "lost." This method of satisfying the spirit 
of discovery, and forcing our name on the atten- 
tion of the excitable world, like bridge-jumping, 
is too hazardous — I can't approve of it. Up to 
date, the means whereby we may leave this sphere 
and go soaring to a fellow-planet on a voyage of 
discovery hasn't been devised (save through such 
airy flights of the imagination as Jules Verne in- 
dulges in), so we will have to reconcile our opera- 
tions to this earth. 

"But where are we to operate?" cry the im- 
patient ones, who seek fame rather than the un- 
known plots of earth. 

After carefully weighing the 

WE WILL HAVE TO ^ O & 

ALTERNATE IN Discov- mattcr, I am forced to this con- 
ERiNG EACH OTHER, ^lusion— wc will havc to alter- 
nate in discovering each other. Much good will 
come from our discovering each other occa- 
sionally, and forcing our notion of what con- 
stitutes civilization. Such a course will excite 
healthy emulation, without which stimulant the 
natives of their respective countries would degen- 
erate — dwindle, as Darwin would put it— into a 
very low order of beings. 

I have often wondered why 

WHY NOT GO TO EU- -' 

ROPE TO MAKE SOME somc cntcrprising American has 
DISCOVERY? j^Q^ gQ^g ^Q Europe to make 

some discovery — not discover all of Europe, and 
reduce her numerous tribes to the present condi- 
tion of the aborigines of America ; it may be that 



Four Centuries After 



THE SO-CALLED DIS- 
COVERY OF AMERICA, 



Europe deserves such treatment, but no sensible 
American would care for so vast an undertaking : 
you can't exterminate a race, according to the 
approved formula, within a few years — and I 
observe that while this generation may feel 
kindly disposed toward posterity, it takes good 
care that its own wants are not slighted to better 
the conditions of a future generation. 
THE RIGHT OF Dis- You may say that we Ameri- 

covERY. cans have no right to discover 

Europe, or any part of Europe. / hold that the 
right of discovery belongs to that people having the 
greatest amount of conceit. 

Take, for example, the so-called 
discovery of America : geologists 
have it that America was projected from out the 
chaotic condition of things existing at the close 
of the last great frigerating period, before it was 
even determined whether there should be a Europe 
or not ; yet, in after years, the inhabitants of 
Europe, with their conceited notion of civiliza- 
tion, started out to discover us. America was 
here, and so were her people, who were quite 
satisfied with their undiscovered and so-called 
uncivilized condition. But they came to our 
shore, and, placing their standard in our yielding 
soil, they thus addressed the people, who hesitat- 
ingly came to meet them : " Eureka ! You are 
discovered, so don't try to conceal yourselves " — 
(a quite unnecessary warning, as they had on 
scarcely a stitch of clothing). "Listen! The 
Almighty has seen fit to allow generation after 



Four Centuries After 



generation of your people to come and go — to 
be born, to live a simple, free-and-easy Arcadian 
life, unperplexed by the problems of the day, and 
then, blissfully ignorant of the t?'ue future state of 
man's existence, die and drop back into the soil 
whence you came. Although you have been per- 
mitted to thus come and go for countless ages, 
2ve, the representatives of an advanced civiliza- 
tion, have come to bring about a change ; you 
must accept civilization, or take a back seat ! " 

In passing, we may note that many promptly 
accepted the vices of civilization, remarking that, 
in some respects, they were far superior to those 
with which they had been groping about ; that 
the white man's vices showed a great deal of in- 
genuity and were much more effective in their 
action — in fact, seemed to be the very alkaloid of 
the red man's vices. When invited to adopt the 
white man's virtues, they behaved in a very stolid 
manner ; and when urged for a reason, they 
replied that they understood their own virtues 
better than those the white man would introduce ; 
and while the white man's virtues might answer 
for a people enjoying a high state of civilization, 
their application (if such a thing were possible) 
would make the red man appear very awkward. 

This bit of history is interesting in so far as it 
goes to show that a people who seemed sadly in 
need of the polishing and physically degenerating 
results of civilization really demurred when the 
Europeans sought to apply the regular course of 
treatment. 



Fou}- Centuries After 



A PEOPLE SHOULD NOT No ; WB should DOt Walt for the 
INVITE DISCOVERY. pcoplc who wc bcHeve deserve to 
be discovered and treated to our style of civiliza- 
tion to give us the word ; you can't expect them 
to invite discovery ; such a course would be con- 
trary to the established code of ethics as applied 
to " how, when, and where," to discover. Further- 
more, it would be undignified and unnecessarily 
humiliating for a people to invite discovery. It 
would imply that such a people lacked confidence 
in themselves — and we should encourage confi- 
dence and self-esteem even in a Hottentot. 
BECOME PROTEc- ^65, thc fflost tclling compli- 

TORATE OVER IT— mcnt wc Can pay the Powers of 
"PROTECTORATE." Europc— onc that would be like 
holding a mirror up to them — would be for us to 
go over there, stake out an indefinite slice of 
the country, and become Protectorate over it — 
"Protectorate." Should they remonstrate (as, of 
course, they would), we could put in a plea that 
we were acting in the interest of humanity ; that 
we wished to prevent the internal strife which the 
warlike attitude of the tribes of Europe con- 
stantly encourages. Such a move might induce 
said Powers to allow a portion of their standing 
armies to sit down and rest its feet, or turn to the 
plough. We can't accept the Malthusian hypothesis 
as a plea for war and famine ; to claim that He 
would bring more human beings into the world 
than He could provide for, is a libel on the 
Almighty's attributes. And has not the day come 
when all fighting between the Powers can easily 



Four Centuries After 



be done through our Departments of State ? If 
so, the Pen is truly mightier than the Sword — as 
Beadle's Dime Speaker informed us long ago. 
(But- as I look back upon this sheet I see that I 
am digressing with my mighty pen — I often do 
this ; I find it easier than to keep pegging away 
right to the point.) 
I SAW THAT I WAS Thus I reasoned, until my mind 

DESTINED TO ACT AS became fired with the idea that 

THE PIONEER IN THE 

NEW SCHOOL OF Dis- the time was ripe for some Ameri- 
covERY. can to retaliate — to invade Eu- 

rope. "And who," I asked, " is better able to carry 
out this noble project than the mind that con- 
ceived it ? " I plainly saw that the finger of Des- 
tiny was pointed at me as the chosen one to act 
as the pioneer in the new school of discovery ; and 
it thus came about that I resolved to surrender a 
private life, all the comforts of a home, and a room 
with a southern exposure, to become an Explorer. 
And with me, a resolution once fixed, I adhere to 
it with the tenacity of two surfaces that have been 
united by Spaulding's glue. In taking this step I 
realized that I was exposing my name to fame and 
making it a shining mark for all subjects of 
charity and cranks in general ; but I accepted all 
without flinching. 

II 



WHAT PART OF 



Having decided to invade Eu- 
EUKOPE SHOULD I ropB, my next care was to deter- 

" TACKLE "FIRST? ^j^^ ^j^^j. ^^^^ ^^ ^^^ ContlnCUt 

to tackle first. Great explorers have always shown 



Four Centuries After 



a partiality for rivers — have seemed to take pleas- 
ure in tracing a river to its source. I got out 
my atlas and looked up the rivers of Europe ; I 
found that, everything considered, the River Rhine 
offered as promising a field of discovery as any ; 
and, although the source of my information told 
where the river had its rise, it did not inform me 
that any one had discovered the source. It is 
easier to fall into the habit of saying that a river 
has its rise in some definite place than to go and 
personally investigate the matter. How was I 
to know that this noble river, with all its wealth 
of romance, hadn't its rise in the vicinity of 
some redolent Schweitzerkase manufactory ? The 
thougth was horrifying ! I would investigate the 
matter at once ! 

RHINE GOLD AND PRE- Hi sclectiug thc Rhluc country 
cious RHINE STONES, ^g ^j^g thcatrc of my first expedi- 
tion, I chose that part of Europe reported to have 
the greatest natural attractions for the discoverer. 
Gold and precious stones have always been among 
the greatest incentives to the spirit of discovery. 
I had long heard of the Rhine gold and the pre- 
cious Rhine stones, and I reasoned that if I could 
quietly reach the field and stake out my claim I 
should then have no difficulty in enlisting all 
Americans in my enterprise — all but the few not 
afflicted with avarice, and I could get them to go 
over and confuse the natives with our super-mixed 
creeds, and introduce our " four hundred " style 
of civilization — and our representative style of 
ultra-civilization might prove quite as acceptable 



Four Centuries After 



to the Europeans of to-day as theirs of four cen- 
turies earlier was to the American aborigines, and 
our civiUzation might make them feel and act 
quite as awkward and restrained as this dilatory 
turn-about calls for. 



Ill 



WHERE WAS I TO 



WHICH TO FIT OUT THE 
EXPEDITION ? 



Having decided to attempt the 
GET THE FUNDS WITH proposcd dlscovcry, the next 
query that arose was, " Where 
am I to get the necessary funds 
with which to fit out the Expedition ?" I disliked 
to ask my friends for assistance, for fear I might 
lose them as friends. Neither did I wish to ask 
the assistance of some geographical society ; I 
preferred to go independently of such a society, 
so that when I had completed my work I could 
organize a society of my own, become its presi- 
dent, and confer all the honorary degrees on 
myself that are at the disposal of such a society. 
This, you see, was in line with the spirit of inde- 
pendent enterprise of the day. Blow your own 
trumpet, and, if the world laughs, blow a little 
louder and drown its voice with your noise. 

Another reason for not wishing to ask outside 
aid was that I, like Columbus, felt that I was a 
little ahead of my age in thought ; I anticipated 
the delay that my vivid, penetrating mind might 
suffer should I await the tardy cooperation of my 
dull and doubtful friends. 



Four Centuries After 



"SHOULD 1 WRITE A *'Should Iraisc the necessary 
NOVEL? " means by writing a novel ? " The 

idea of raising money by writing a novel isn't 
exactly a novel one. I had just read of the phe- 
nomenal success of a novelist of our day, and it 
very much inflated me with the idea that novel- 
writing is a very handy recourse in an emergency. 
As I haven't found a better example of the possi- 
bilities of the day, in at least one line of endeavor, 
than this bit of venture illustrates, I will insert it 
right here, and if it doesn't bring tears to your 
eyes, you may return this volume to its publishers 
and they will cheerfully refund your money. 
ONE OF THOSE " sue- This particular successful au- 
cEssFUL AUTHORS." t^oj. jj^t a fcw brlcf ycars since 
was a third-rate editor on a sheet published in a 
city not far from New York, in which capacity, by 
faithfully laboring eleven months and several 
weeks of the year, he earned a precarious living 
and a brief vacation — at his own expense. 
A WANT BEGETS AN Hc wcut to spcud hls well- 

"iDEA." earned vacation on a body of 

water not far from home — very prudently, not far 
from home. One day while lying — I mean re- 
clining (as, for the time, he had given up all edi- 
torial work) — in a shady nook overlooking the lake 
(the body of water was a lake), gazing away over 
the expanse of water and yearning to take a sail 
beyond his horizon and his means, a steam yacht 
glided gayly by. Her rakish appearance and pol- 
ished nickel captivated his fancy, and it occurred 
to him that he would like to own a steam yacht; 



Four Ce7ituries After 



but his reason told him that he couldn't purchase 
a "sharpy," much less a steam yacht. But this 
want persisted ; it grew, it expanded : in fact, it 
so worked on his mind that he had an idea ! He 
would write a novel that should just pay for the 
coveted steam yacht. 

BE still! "there's Agreeably to his inspiration, he 
A HEN on!" bought a quantity of foolscap 

paper, pens, and ink, and set about, with a full- 
arm movement, to write a novel, as per happy 
thought ; and the manuscript began to flutter to 
the floor of his den like the leaves of autumn ; 
and in an incredibly brief time the manuscript for 
his novel was worked off ; and he took it to a 
certain publishing house with a large heart and 
a penetrating mind, and sold his novel for a sum 
of money which just paid for the subject of his 
inspiration — the steam yacht. 

That was simple, wasn't it ? Yes ; but here we 
are left in maddening doubt as to how our novel- 
ist was to run his " white elephant ; " how he was to 
pay for his pilot, his engineer, for coal, a lubricant, 
a few cases of "Extra Dry," a cork-screw, etc. 

AS HELPLESS AS A Whcu I rcalizcd his short- 

STRANDED JELLY-FISH, sightcdncss I couMu't keep the 
tears back. Why didn't he make his novel a little 
thicker ? Why did he stint himself to write a novel 
that just paid for the steam yacht ? Or, why 
didn't he ask more for the fruit of his brain ? 
Alas ! I fear his is but another example showing 
the want of business tact in the genius. He can 
plan and execute immortal yarns, but when he 



Four Centuries After 



comes to face his publishers he is as frail and 
gullible as a recently born child. No one realizes 
this sorry truth better than I do. I doubt if I 
could sell my novel for more than enough to meet 
the expense of a brief little excursion in a steam 
yacht — a cruise that would be literally " extra dry." 
In fact, I doubt if I would have thought to ask 
more than ten per cent, royalty, to be paid later on. 
YES, EXCEEDINGLY But It Is intcrcstlng to know 

ACTIVE. \\\2A. this particular author we 

have in view did, in a brief time, meet with phe- 
nomenal success. He caught like wild-fire ! and, 
although strange to relate (or not strange to re- 
late, as I am rather slow to " catch on "), I couldn't 
recall having heard of this author before he was 
" written up," it appears he had been an active 
worker for some time — as active as a dog with a 
teapot attached to his tail. 

But to come back to my financial quandary. I 
thought to write a novel to meet my expenses ; 
but then it occurred to me that it would take 
time for me to evolve a novel and realize more 
than experience and criticism from it, so I aban- 
doned, as not available, the idea of raising cash 
from that source. It may answer the man who 
writes me up, but would hardly be available in 
the wilds of Europe. 

RESOLVED TO STAKE Howcvcr, iu thc lauguagc of 

MY PRIVATE FORTUNE early discovcrcrs, I had my private 
ON THE ENTERPRISE. ^^^^^^^ . ^nd I rcsolvcd to stakc 

it on the enterprise. This fortune wasn't very 
large, which rendered it very portable ; I had 



Four Centuries After 13 

no difficulty in concealing it about my person ; in 
fact, I could have concealed several such fortunes 
about me without distorting my nice symmetry of 
person. But the scantiness of my means would 
enhance the grandeur of my achievement, and 
with this afterthought I was rich indeed. 



IV 



MY OUTFIT. 



My outfit consisted of a tour- 
ist's bag, which I partially filled 
with conceit, enthusiasm, and sea-biscuit. I in- 
tended to depend for subsistence principally on the 
usual fruits of discovery, but thought it wise to lay 
in a stock of enthusiasm and sea-biscuit to fall back 
on in an emergency. I filled the remaining space 
in my bag with a change of underclothing (I wished 
to inspire the natives with a sense of our exalted 
notions of civilization by changing my under- 
clothing once or twice a season), a map giving 
me a vague notion of the geography of the 
'country I was about to enter, and a tourist's 
guide-book, offering information of quite as vague 
a nature. 

Besides this bag and its contents, I took a small 
camera, and a revolver of a small calibre. These 
I intended to use in frightening the natives into 
subjection. I rarely had occasion to use the 
revolver, however, as I found the camera much 
more effective in bringing the natives to terms, 
and, besides, it had this advantage over the 
revolver that it recorded its immediate terror- 



14 Four Centuries After 

izing effect on the people. My outfit also in- 
cluded a flask and a telescope. The flask was 
said to have a capacity of one quart ; the nature 
of the quart was not specified in the purchase — • 
whether it was to be a quart of distilled rain-water 
at thirty degrees Fahrenheit, or a quart of what is 
familiarly called in America "budge," or artificial 
inspiration. At home I rarely drink anything 
stronger than tea and coffee, but I was afraid 
that I would find a malarial district along the 
Lower Rhine country, and a residence in the 
Southern States of America had taught me the 
efficiency of "budge" in case of malaria ; in fact, 
this " budge " is almost a panacea in some 
States suffering from Prohibition — whatever that 
may mean. The telescope was a cunningly con- 
structed binocular. It was so made that, by look- 
ing through it from the big end, objects in the 
field of vision were very much belittled ; while, 
by reversing the telescope, objects were made to 
appear abnormally large. I intended to use this 
instrument in studying European traits of char- 
acter ; the big end for virtue, the little end 
for vice. My generosity and sympathetic nature 
might have led me to reverse this order, but I 
feared such a proceeding would be too great an 
innovation for our age and generation, 

THE GUARDED ^^ch has bccn written about 

COURTESY OF MY GOV- thc trlals aud tribulations of Co- 

ERNMENT. i i • i ■ JX i. i 1 ■ i 

lumbus m his efforts to enlist 
interest in his cause. If anything, my experience 
has been more disheartening, although not so 



Four Centuries After 15 

long-drawn out. My Government did not assure 
me that I should have for myself during life, and 
for my heirs and successors forever, the office of 
Admiral in all the lands and countries which I 
might discover or acquire in the ocean ; that I 
should be Viceroy and Governor-General — in a 
word, High Muck-ka-Muck over all' the said 
lands and countries. Neither did she authorize 
me and my heirs to prefix the title of " Don " 
to our name. She didn't intend to encourage 
vanity. She did not even assume my outstand- 
ing and long-standing debts ; nor did she promise 
me immunity from the clamorous demands of my 
creditors. But she (my Government) did give me 
a written introduction to the Grand Khan-Khan 
of Tartary, requesting him to afford me the 
entree to Mangi, Cathay, or any other part of his 
dominion which I might wish to enter, to ascer- 
tain if the inhabitants were enjoying the Colum- 
bian standard of Christianity or not, and if the 
soil contained gold enough to pay the expense of 
working it and cutting the throats of the people. 
This document was addressed alike to any and all 
foreign rulers, with all of whom it was intended 
to place me at perfect ease. It also spoke in 
a touching way of my general personal appear- 
ance, but was as silent as a clam on my mental 
and moral attributes. Doubtless Mr. Blaine 
thought that these were self-evident. It is not 
always taken as a compliment to refer to a quality 
that speaks for itself ; so I accepted Mr. Blaine's 
silence as the highest of compliments ; it is 



1 6 FoiiK Centuries After 

reasonable to suppose that a Secretary of State 
knows the proper thing to do, both in the way of 
getting a Secretaryship, and how to act when he 
gets there. 



My last care was to charter a 

I CHARTERED A SHIP . , , . , 

FOR THE AccoMMODA- ship With which to rcach the scene 
TioN oT THE EXPEDi- of actlon. I found one of a line 

TION. . , . , _ 

of steamers plynig between New 
York and Amsterdam which promised, in a lame 
way, to answer our purpose. I rechristened her The 
Pioneer J not by a special Act of Congress, but sim- 
ply in my log. When you have learned the number 
of calendar days this ship kept our enterprise bob- 
bing about on the uneven surface of the Atlantic, 
you will understand my diffidence about referring 
to the real name of this steamer. When I give a 
line of steamers a gratuitous advertising I want 
to believe that my generosity will not be mistaken 
for malicious libel. As we all came out of the 
experience alive, under the inspiration of prayers 
of thanksgiving that ascended, I might have been 
disposed to mark the bottom of this ship " A No. 
I " (we are always very liberal after having had 
a peep into the New Jerusalem), but to have done 
so would have been an outrage on the travelling 
public. 

I say I chartered this vessel ; to be accurate, 
(which is sometimes a virtue), I should say I 
engaged accommodaticwi for the passage of my 



Four Centuries After 17 

Expedition. We were assigned a bridal chamber 
off the after-saloon, nicely supplied with hot and 
cold water and with air that wanted deodorizing — 
air that was just about as wholesome as one finds 
in any state-room that floats the deep. When one 
has been jiggled about on the ocean for a week 
or so the gayest of state-rooms seems as if ven- 
tilated from the black-hole of Calcutta. 



VI 

Everything in readiness, on the 

WE BOLDLY COM- y o 7 

MiTTED OUR BARQUE 17th of Octobcr, eightccn hun- 
To THE SEA." dred and not quite ninety-two, 
we gave the word to cast off the stern hawser. 
This command having been complied with, we laid 
our course out of New York Harbor. I was a little 
surprised at the calmness with which our sailors 
scanned the vast and boisterous expanse of water 
before us, which seemed to have no opposite 
shores. Not a tear did they shed, nor did they 
utter one word of lamentation. This impertur- 
bable calmness was a disappointment to me. It 
seemed as though there was a hitch somewhere — 
as though the actors had fouled their cues, or the 
well of their emotions had run dry. Then it 
occurred to me that the occasion was " Four Cen- 
turies After," and that I was the pioneer in a new 
school of discovery. So " we boldly committed 
our barque to the sea," as the old sea-dogs used 
to say, when they had discovered the utility of the 
compass. 

2 



1 8 Four Centuries After 

VII 

, ^„ If time hung heavily on our 

OUR COMMANDER *» - 

AND HIS STOCK OF hands, it was from no fault of 
ANECDOTE. ^^^ commandcr. He was untir- 

ing in his efforts to please. He had been in the 
East India service, where he had acquired a large 
and interesting stock of anecdotes, a few of which 
were intended for the drawing-room, but many of 
them had to be told out on deck in a strong east 
wind. It was one of the active rules of our ship 
that when the commander reached the climax of 
his nautical yarns, all hands were to laugh. To 
ignore this rule, even when actively at commune 
with the sea over the lee-rail, was an offence which 
placed the delinquent in irons. This rule inspired 
rapt attention, until one day a caprice led him to 
relate a yarn that created a mutiny. This " last 
straw " was doled out, we thought, with more 
detail and gravity than its companion stories. It 
related how they used to catch penguins when he 
was in the East India service ; and the way he 
personated the penguin in captivity would bring 
tears to the eyes of an East Side Judge. Once 
again our bold and intrepid mariner created a 
panic by bringing out the old yarn : " Once upon 
a time, while in the East India service, we were 
forced to use the ice, to chill our drinking water, 
in which our defunct yellow-f^ver patient was 
packed ! " This was told apropos of a call for 
water by a sensitive fellow at our table. 

But our mariner was at his best when he led off 



Four Centuries After 19 



at dinner by calling for the second serving of his 
favorite soup. The principal ingredient of this 
soup was claret, and its effect was much more 
exhilarating than claret direct from the bottle. 
On these occasions we exonerated our mariner 
from any malicious design in dealing out his yarns. 
And, by the way, I would highly recommend this 
soup for hardening of the heart. 
PRECAUTIONS TAKEN Our coursc for the first few 
TO AVOID MUTINY. days might have led one to sup- 
pose we were an expedition in search of the North 
Pole. This northerly course was chosen, how- 
ever, so that we should be out of sight of land 
no longer than was absolutely necessary. We in- 
tended to profit by the experience of Columbus, 
and avoid even threatened mutiny, if possible. 
THE LOST ISLE-PAIN- ^rom thc first, and throughout 
FUL MISGIVINGS. thc voyagc, we kept our weather 
eye open for the Lost Isle of the Seven Cities, 
but she (the Isle) refused to appear on our horizon. 
After many days out, it began to be whispered 
about, " Can it be that our commander is seeking 
a westerly passage to the Netherlands, or is he in 
quest of the Ultima Thule?" We all began to 
feel apprehensive and like breaking forth into the 
long-looked-for lamentations. 

VIII 

A STORM WHILE, alas! Ouc day, alas! when entirely 

AT SEA. Qut of sight of land, a storm of 

uncalled-for violence came up and smote our ship. 



Four Centuries After 



I was on the poop deck at the time, and had a 
perfect view of the whole affair. The storm was 
announced by dark, scudding clouds to the wind- 
ward, that came swooping down on us, rhetori- 
cally speaking, something after the style of a hawk 
on a spring chicken. The billows rose mountains 
high (or, rather, about twenty-five feet), and 
dashed their foaming crests against our ship's 
side, while several of the most venturesome actu- 
ally came on deck, rendering it very wet and slip- 
pery. The sea monsters may have "snorted in 
the foam," as a well-known divine would have it ; 
if so, I didn't hear them. This was another dis- 
appointment, as I should like to have heard a sea 
monster snort in his (or her) native element ; it 
would have made the occasion seem more weird 
than it was. I once saw a sea monster in a 
museum on Eighth Avenue. It refused to snort, 
though, when asked to do so. I was informed 
that it hadn't snorted since taken from the deep, 
deep sea, and stuffed with straw and treated to a 
coat of bad-smelling varnish. Doubtless the vil- 
lain who had it in charge knew nothing about 
natural history and the diet of sea monsters. I 
asked him (the keeper) how he would like to be 
carried beneath the sea and stuffed with sea-weed. 
This made him see his cruelty in a new light. On 
this occasion, when everything seemed auspicious 
for sea monsters, I looked expectingly for one 
and listened for his snort, but was doomed to dis- 
appointment. 

However, everything else went off in its proper 



Fou7- Centuries After 



order, although in a rather mild degree. One of 
our mainsails was rent, with a report something 
like that of a minute-gun, and our starboard watch 
ahoy came near being washed overboard. This, 
of course, was wholly unnecessary, as we had 
made every arrangement for washing in a caboose 
on the forward deck, although the sailors were 
wont to neglect the opportunity. At the height 
of Nature's carnival an old salt ventured the ob- 
servation that it looked as though we might have 
a storm. I let that pass, though, as at the time 
both of my hands were well employed in keeping 
one of the lee-shrouds from going by the board. 
I never feel above lending, a hand in an emer- 
gency like that, and I reasoned that if one of our 
shrouds were lost there might be an urgent need 
for several shrouds. 

CASTING BREAD, ETC., Naturc rcccived several well- 
upoN THE WATER. choscn and hastily proffered trib- 
utes that day. Mr. D , who accompanied 

the expedition for his health, and who had chosen 
a protracted voyage as a means of toning up his 
nerves, had told us all along that the motion of a 
vessel never affected him unpleasantly. This was 
doubtless true, and his motive in going to the lee- 
rail and doing like unto his fellow-voyagers was 
pure charity. When a man will stand, hour after 
hour, and retch and retch as though he were loath 
to leave a particle of aliment in his viscera — when 
he will cast his last morsel of bread, etc., upon the 
water and yearn for an opportunity to cast more 
— when he will do all this, I say, through pure 



Four Centuries After 



sympathy, 1 am willing to believe, yea, I am posi- 
tive, that he loves his fellow-men. I used to ap- 
proach Brother D (at times when he seemed 

most interested in the sea — at times when he stood 
leaning over the rail, with one hand holding the 
shrouds and the other engaged in keeping his hat 
in place, while he peered into the restless ocean), 
and, placing my hand caressingly on his back, 
would ask : " What are the wild waves saying, 
neighbor? Have they brought you a message 
from home?" Not receiving an immediate reply, 
I would add : " Oh, if I could but be inspired with 
your touching sentiment ! " 
HE ADVISED ANOTHER Ouc day, whllc thc sea was very 

FIELD OF DISCOVERY, uncasy, aud D had assumed 

his wonted attitude at the rail, he ventured to re- 
ply to my unrelenting words of sympathy ; he told 
me to " go to the devil ! " But afterward, when 
the sea had calmed down, he told me that he 
spoke under the inspiration of the moment, and 
that he wasn't in earnest ; that I might continue 
to Europe instead. 

ADVANTAGES OF A As thc storm coutiiiued, oh! 

CRUISE ON A CANAL, j^q^ ^,g lougcd for a port of 

entry, or even a second-grade coaling station, in 
which to shelter our ship. At one tijne we would 
have cheerfully cast our lines over the most ordi- 
nary fence-post, had we been in the country. 
Then it was that the apparent advantage of a 
cruise on a canal came to our minds. In the 
event of a storm on a canal you can snub your 
mules, likewise your craft, to a fence-post at almost 



Four Centuries After 23 

any point along your course, and wait until the 
clouds roll by and for weather suiting the sea- 
worthiness of your ship and stomach. 
I LOVE TO WATCH SoHic pcopk havc a notion that 

AN INVERTED sTOM- \i (joes thcm good to have their 

ACH — THAT IS, IF IT . i t 1 r 

BELONGS TO MY NEIGH- stomach invcrted. I know of 
BOR. several persons who are quite 

willing to grant you that in their case they feel 
inexpressibly better after their stomach has re- 
adjusted itself. They will also tell you that they 
feel much relieved after coming out of a night- 
mare. They feel better than they did while in it, 
which is by no means proof that their peculiar 
disease indicated nightmare treatment. 



IX 



After all these days, our sea- 

THE CHILD-LIKE •' ' 

CONFIDENCE OF OUR men stlll show none of the timid- 
SEAMEN. jjy characterizing the followers 

of Columbus ; they display a child-like confidence 
that we shall discover the Netherlands, but just at 
what season of the year or day of the month they 
appear to. be both literally and metaphorically at 
sea. I must own that I failed to share this abid- 
ing faith of our sailors, and herein history seems 
to reverse the order of things ; Columbus had 
unbounded confidence — a confidence his followers 
couldn't share. History rarely repeats itself in 
every detail, and I don't see that I should grow 
despondent because my experience fails to bob up 
a perfect stereotype of some past event. 



24 Four Centuries After 

X 

SOMETHING WAS Oh thc moming of October 

BREAKING. 3oth, Es I WES golng on deck, I 

overheard one of the officers say that something 
was being broken ! My heart almost stood still, 
and I caught a handrail for support. Could it 
be that the keel (the backbone of our ship) was 
breaking ? And I pictured the Expedition bob- 
bing about on the storm-tossed sea upheld by one 
solitary life preserver, with " water, water every- 
where, but not a drop to drink; " in a word, " with 
no visible means of support," other than that 
solitary life preserver ! Were my fond hopes of 
great discoveries to be dashed and shattered on 
some cruel strand ? No, it could not be ! Prov- 
idence could not be so cruel ! I should not re- 
pine ; I would investigate the matter ; and I did, 
then and there, and found the rumor afloat that 
our ship was expected to break her record ! Not 
as a " fast sailer," but as a long-voyager — a vessel 
recommended as a stomachic, or a protracted 
emetic. I will own that I completely collapsed. 
All along during the voyage I 

THE EGG EXPLOIT. , . ^ 

have been watchmg for a favor- 
able opportunity to perform the fgg exploit. I have 
wanted to inspire my followers with something more 
lofty than mere contempt or flat indifference, and 
I reasoned that if I could stand an &gg on end I 
would make a decided hit ; but I have found that 
it takes considerable dexterity to stand one's self 
on end on a deck that is being momentarily tilted 



Four Centuries After 25 

at nearly every known angle, leaving the t.%^ ex- 
ploit entirely out of the question. As a last resort, 
I attempted to stand an omelet on end, but it 
wouldn't be still, even in my stomach, so, with con- 
siderable eclat^ I cast it into the sea. How I longed 
to have Columbus see me cast that z%g ! I am sure 
that the exploit would have made him envious of 
my prospective fame — fame as a caster. I believe 
that I cast that &%% our ship's length. It's wonder- 
ful how emulation will cause a man to exert him- 
self. Should it ever be ascertained that Columbus 
has turned in his grave, we may know the cause of 
his uneasiness. 



PART II 



I 



On the evening: of the ^ist of 

WE FIRST TOUCH EU- & -^ 

ROPEAN SOIL AT Octobcr, in the year of our Lord 
YMUDiN. jg_^ ^^ sighted the flat coast of 

the Netherlands, and during the night came to 
anchor at Ymudin, the North Sea terminus of 
the North Sea Canal. It was at this point on 
the European coast that we first rested our feet 
and smeared them with Ymudin mud. I would 
ask the historian to kindly pin this fact in his 
hat, so as to avoid future discussion as to the 
exact point we first touched European soil. 
Ymudin may want in euphony, but it has the 
advantage over " San Salvador, or Cat Island, or 
somewhere else," in this that it is geometrically 
exact, and I repeat that to be exact is sometimes 
a virtue, particularly so when recording events 
still in the minds of our critical neighbors. When 
we become grandpa we may, with impunity, lie 
most outrageously about the events of our youth. 
I say " we may," but will add, for the benefit of the 
children, that we should not. 



Foil)- Centuries After 



On the morning of November 

WE ABANDON OUR SHIP. 

ist, we Steamed up the canal to 
Amsterdam, where we abandoned our ship. We 
thought to blow her up (Pizarro style), and should 
have done so had we had a quantity of noiseless 
powder. As it was, we stepped quietly and unosten- 
tatiously ashore. Before we left our ship, an inquisi- 
tive native, who could speak a'Meetle" Columbian, 
came aboard and asked me if I had any cigars or 
Florida water about me. I told him that I was 
very sorry that I hadn't, and asked him if he would 
take a pull at my flask of "budge." I felt like 
asking him if he supposed that was the way Colum- 
bus was treated when he landed on our shores. 
He gave me an official poster to put on our bag, 
and I stuck it on the most conspicuous side of the 
bag, but was told a few days later that it was 
intended to seal the bag. 
THE DUTCH HAVE Wc discusscd thc practicability 

TAKEN HOLLAND ! (jf taklug thc Nctherlauds and 
making her tributary to the United States, but 
found on investigation the report that " the Dutch 
had taken Holland " too true ; so we abandoned 
the idea of annexation. 



II 

THE ETYMOLOGY OF Thc ctymology of the word 
" NETHERLAND." " Ncthcrland " (or Nederland, as 
the natives call it) seems to be clouded in doubt. 
The most rational explanation, and at the same 
time the least authentic one, is that during the 



Four Centuries After 29 

early history of Europe an adventurous crew of 
Corsairs (or " Coarse hairs,'.' as they were called ; 
so named from the hair which grew profusely on 
their breasts), while sailing up the North Sea in 
quest of a decent landing-place, came near this 
coast. There was a cry from the watch at the 
mast-head which the captain did not catch, so he 
asked if land was in sight. This was a perplexing 
question, as it was at a time long before the re- 
claiming process had been undertaken, and " land " 
was a very uncertain commodity. Now, a man on 
watch at the mast-head should be a man of few 
but comprehensive words, as carrying on a con- 
versation from such a height is very trying ; so, 
not to compromise himself, this lookout called 
down a reply which, with a slight modification, 
has continued coming down through many ages, 
" Nether land nor water ! " But the captain did 
attempt to effect a landing, and he got in a very 
nasty snarl of bog and quagmire, but extricated 
himself as soon as possible, and sailed away. Ever 
after, this part of the coast has been called 
" Netherlands." It is pleasing to note, in passing, 
that the sailor who made the announcement of 
" Nether land nor water " was rewarded with the 
exalted berth of boatswain for his shrewdness. 
THE EVOLUTION OF T\\Q cvolution of thc Nether- 

THE NETHERLANDS. lands is an interesting study. 
The countless incoming billows of the North Sea 
brought in their burden of sand to form the dunes, 
the nucleus of a prospective country. To this 
foundation the Rhine added her offering of rich 



30 Four Centuries After 

alluvial soil, filched from along her shores. In 
this the marsh-plant took root, forming a con- 
genial home for the quail, the harbinger of man. 
Then the hardy, waterproof Dutchman came 
along, Providence his guide, to lend a helping 
hand to the work of nature. 

These Dutchmen, the inhabi- 

YOU MUST FISH, ' 

CUT BAIT, OR GO tauts of Ncthcrland, are an emi- 
ASHORE ! " neatly practical and thrifty tribe ; 

this trait comes of necessity. They saw at the out- 
set that nature in this particular locality would not 
encourage loafing ; and the leader of the first col- 
ony, while out fishing one day (about their only 
industry at the time), turned to his followers, who 
had been showing a disposition to shirk, and said, 
with considerable spirit : " Gentlemen, you must 
fish, cut bait, or go ashore ! " This expression was 
brought over to New Amsterdam, and thus became 
quite current in America, although generally con- 
sidered more forceful than elegant. 
A LESSON IN PERSE- Thc Dutchmcu and their Neth- 

vERANCE. erland remind me of an attempt 

I made, while a boy, to drown out an ant-hill. 
The water only increased their industry. The 
ants doubtless attributed the presence of water in 
the hill to the lowness of their situation, so they 
built on another story to raise their home above 
high-water mark. I was taught a wholesome les- 
son, but didn't succeed in exterminating the ants. 
The Dutch have had many wettings, but this didn't 
seem to dampen their ardor ; evidently that part 
of their anatomy is waterproof, and a good wetting 



Four Centuries After 31 

from the sea only leads them to build their dykes 
higher and set more windmills to pumping. 

The Dutchmen utilize every- 

HOW THEY DEAL -' 

WITH A- PLAYFUL TOR- tiling ; not z. breath of air passes 
'^^°°' over their domain that isn't used 

from once to several times in working their wil- 
derness of windmills. A wind that reaches their 
shore as a tornado is quite tuckered out when it 
arrives at the opposite border of the kingdom — 
where it dies away with a sigh that is really 
pathetic. A sailing vessel finds it exceedingly 
difficult to sail up the delta of the Rhine — the 
wind is so industriously utilized in turning wind- 
mills. These windmills work night and day, and 
although sometimes they groan unmercifully, it is 
not from fatigue, but for want of a lubricant. 
A LIFE BENEATH THE It Is sald tliat thc surfacc of 
SEA. the Netherlands is at some places 

as many as forty feet below the level of the sea 
when at high tide. One would think that this 
unnatural condition of things would be a constant 
source of painful apprehension, but if any such 
feeling exists they never show it. I have noticed 
this same apparent indifference, or forgetfulness 
of a like impending danger, in the inhabitants 
along the exposed places of the Mississippi. One 
night, while trying to sleep at Jericho, near the 
Dead Sea, I thought what a serious joke it would 
be if some practical joker should slip along with 
a long, very long, gimlet, and bore a hole through 
from the Mediterranean Sea and inundate the 
Jordan Valley with 1,300 feet of water. This, of 



32 Four Centuries After 

course, was pure fancy, and should have been cata- 
logued with my dreams. I asked the hotel pro- 
prietor at Jericho — but Jericho is elsewhere. 
RESCUING A KING- Whilc trying to sleep in those 

DOM WITH HIS FIN- Iqw pUccs of Holland, I recalled 

GER. . . T , 

a picture I saw a great many 
years ago (in a Sunday-school book, I believe), 
which showed a boy standing beside a Holland 
dyke with his "finger thrust in a small hole in the 
embankment. He had stood there all night and 
looked very tired and sleepy, and I was at once 
interested in him. It would appear that during 
the evening while passing that way he espied a 
small stream of water issuing from the side of the 
embankment, and he reasoned at once that this 
apparently insignificant little stream threatened 
the lowlands 'with a great calamity, so he inserted 
his finger — I forget which finger — in the hole and 
heroically stood there until relieved (I can't recall 
whether he was relieved by some one else's finger, 
or not) in the morning. Who can imagine what 
passed through this little hero's mind during the 
long vigils of that night } One thought that 
flitted through his little brain was that he would 
escape doing the chores that evening. 

The Dutch used to pride them- 

GREAT GUNS, THE ^ 

KINGDOM HAS SPRUNG sclvcs ou thclr fightiug attrlbutcs, 
ALEAK. particularly on the high seas ; but 

of late years they have torn down most of 
their fortifications and built promenades with the 
material. Now, when an aggressive neighbor 
looks at their reclaimed land (the fruit of their 



Four Centuries After 33 

thrift) with a covetous eye, the Dutchman says : 
" Keep off, or we will open our dykes and let in 
the sea ! " This is enough, as it is quite plain 
that -land with several feet of salt water over it 
would produce little else than malaria, and that 
product would not pay the taxes. With most of 
the European powers the abiding dread is War, 
ravishing War ; but the danger which menaces 
the Netherlands is the encroachment of the sea, 
and instead of the war-cry they listen for the 
horrifying announcement : " Great guns, the king- 
dom has sprung a leak ! " 

PERSONAL APPEAR- I" pcrsonal appearance the 

ANCE. Dutchmen are a people wearing 

a demure face, a long-stale pipe, and wooden 
shoes.* Their serious manner (a standing rebuke 
to hilarity), their rather unsocial disposition, and 
the fortitude they display in permitting the women 
to do the chores while they smoke the pipe of 

* I dictated this book from the original MS. to a blonde 
typewriter. She had very nimble fingers, but her intellect 
was quite as agile, and when I thus briefly held the mirror up 
to the Dutchman, she threw up her hands in horror and 
anxiously inquired : "What, nothing else?" I threatened 
to report her conduct to the topical man at the show, at which 
she again demurely settled back to work. At the end of two 
weeks of '' dictation," with now and then a repartee, I had 
fallen more or less in love with her — of course — but in my 
hurry to go to press I neglected to state my case. Now, at 
this late hour, and at the respectful, platonic distance of 
several hundred miles, I make the confession. Ah, Birdie 
(yes, her name is Bird), why don't you write your "Confes- 
sion " as a typewriter ? 
3 



34 Four Centuries After 

peace — these traits, taken collectively, remind me 
very much of the American aborigines ; other- 
wise they are very unlike Uncle Sam's copper- 
colored wards. 

in 



WHERE THE 



>' Every growth has its begin- 
LosEs ITS PROFANITY, nlttg — Its polut of dcparturc : or- 
ganic life is heralded by the protoplasm ; the 
stone tossed into the quiet pond marks the centre 
of a series of waverings ; while the germinal 
point of the Dutchman's principal city was a dam. 
This may at first seem like an ungodly beginning, 
but this dam was not the damn of the carpenter 
who hit his thumb, nor the " Tinker's dam " — it 
was a dam constructed by the Dutchmen to con- 
fine the River Amstel. The projectors of this 
city began with a dam, and it would seem to have 
been their pleasure that everything should be 
dammed ; and to-day we find that few institutions 
escaped this euphonious appellation. Next after 
dam, in frequency of occurrence, comes Van 
Houten's cocoa. You may read this anywhere 
about town, and in some of the most unexpected 
places. The street-cars have " Van Houten's 
Cocoa" on one end and "Dam" on the other. 
Our captain told me this was an advertising 
scheme imported from America. 
MORE TALK ABOUT A blrd's-cyc view of Amster- 

THE DAMMED CITY. dam, wlth hcr system of canals, 
reminds one of a half-section of a spider's 
web : the concentric strands of the web represent 



Foitr Centuries After 35 

one series of canals ; the radiating strands mark 
another system, while the centre of the web, 
where the spider holds his reception — his parlor, 
wherein he entertains the fly — points the location 
of "The Dam." 

Amsterdam, as is well known, rests on piles 
driven upward of fifty feet in a peat-bog. I 
felt quite uneasy when I found that wood-worms 
were at work gnawing away the town's only sup- 
port. The first night in town, instead of going at 
once to sleep, it occurred to me : " What if these 
worms on this particular night should get unduly 
ravenous and complete their work of destruc- 
tion — what would become of the Expedition ?" 

If the Dutch canal-boat be a 

THE WAY HE KEPT 

WATCH OF HIS FAM- picturcsquc craft, the way it is 
"'"*'■ hauled along the canal is no less 

interesting. At one place I saw an old woman 
and a child of about twelve years (doubtless 
mother and daughter) trudging along the bank 
of the canal with straps over their shoulders, 
whence a long rope was carried to a flat-boat 
loaded with the stuff they enrich the soil with. 
At the stern of the craft lounged an able, and 
willing, bodied man, lazily working the tiller and 
smoking his long-stale meerschaum. The trio 
appeared to be phlegmatically happy. 

NOT A dog's para- On laud we find the push-cart 

°'^^- and dog-cart ; the push-cart for 

vending, and the dog-cart, in the language of the 

poet, to "get there" with. This dog-cart is a 

dog-cart in every sense of the word — drawn by 



36 Foicr Centuries After 

from one to three dogs. You often see a very- 
large Dutchman sitting in (or, more correctly, on) 
a small, low cart, drawn by a dog of about a quar- 
ter the weight of his cargo. An overgrown man 
with a demure face riding in such a turn-out, with 
his feet and legs sticking out at either side at an 
angle with his body of about forty degrees, pre- 
sents a very dignified appearance ; but the Dutch- 
man doesn't seem to know it. When you pass him 
you have to give him more than half the road if 
you wish to avoid being tripped up with his pro- 
jecting legs. The dogs attached to these carts 
seem to be just as thoroughly imbued with the 
earnestness of this life as their master, and they 
are rarely heard barking or seen playing " dog." 

IV 

A DAZZLING, FAsciNAT- I was vcry ffluch taken with the 
iNG BUSINESS. proccss of cuttlng and polishing 
diamonds, the industry in which Amsterdam leads 
the world. It is a most dazzling, fascinating busi- 
ness. I was very sorry that I hadn't brought my 
Rhine stone along and had it treated, as its re- 
fractive power has become a little impaired. I 
suppose the angles of its facets are a little off, geo- 
metrically. Then, on the whole, it is doubtless as 
well that I hadn't it with me, as it might have ex- 
cited the cupidity of the natives and possibly lost 
me my life, which would have been a great draw- 
back to the success of the Expedition. Then I 
consoled myself with the thought that if I really 



Four Ce7ituries After 37 

needed a diamond I could doubtless pick up a 
Rhine stone most anywhere when I got farther up 
the Rhine. I remarked that the polishing of dia- 
monds was a slow process — they are so hard ; and 
some one standing near rejoined that it was a harder 
task to get hold of a diamond than it was to polish 
it. Some people will insist on straining the finest 
point to make a play on words, although there may 
not be one among their audience who will appre- 
ciate their pains. I can't approve of this, and I 
have often chided an utter stranger for committing 
the offence, telling him when he feels abnor- 
mally facetious, to call to mind the fact that on 
some auspicious occasion he will figure as the hero 
in an unfacetious funeral. This usually has the 
desired effect. Then I fairly scintillate with rep- 
artee, etc. You can never be quite sure what a 
man means when he moralizes. He may be throw- 
ing you off your guard while he trades you a horse 
with a hidden blemish. 



V 



THE UTILITY OF THE ^c stoppcd at thc Hdtel Du 
AMERICAN MENU LAN- Pussagc. I undcrstand that when 
GUAGE. ^]^gy selected this name for their 

hotel and were about to inscribe it on the hotel's 
front, they discovered that there wasn't room for 
the name to appear in Dutch, so. they were forced 
to appeal to our Menu language. If this be true, 
it's a sad commentary on the Dutch language. 
The hotel has an "ascending room (lift, American 



38 Fou7- Centuries After 



style) to the top of the hotel," as their prospectus 
puts it. This American feature made me feel quite 
at home, but it was about the only feature of the 
hotel that inspired this agreeable feeling. The 
hotel was in charge of a head waiter and chief 
porter, the European style of management. This 
system is a decided improvement on " the way the 
old woman kept hotel out West." It is no more 
than I expected ; I knew these gentlemen were 
coming to the front and would have full charge of 
the hotel sooner or later ; they are almost there in 
America. 



VI 



THE DUTCHMAN WEEP- Among thc many quaint sights 
"^^' of Amsterdam is her towers, from 

the balcony of which in former times the fire- 
alarm was sounded. I visited the one called the 
Crying Tower. It is said to have received its 
name from the tears of the sailors who here bade 
their friends farewell. As I stood looking from 
this tower, rapt in contemplation of the many 
effective scenes that had been enacted here during 
past ages, a feeling of sadness stole over me, while 
tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my 
cheeks. The guide, who stood expectantly by my 
side patiently awaiting his fee, ventured to ask me 
why I wept. I asked him if he would be offended 
if I told him the plain truth. He told me that he 
would not ; that the truth from an American 
would be wholesome. Then I frankly owned that 



Four Centuries After 39 



the idea of a Dutchman weeping was too much for 
even my staid nature ; then I handed him a half- 
guilder and walked away. 

VII 

THE UNICORN AND THE Amstcrdam's Zoological Gar- 
wATERLoo. (jgjj jg worthy of a visit, not alone 

for the perfect medley of smells that pervade all 
zoos, but to study the animals in captivity. You 
can't help thinking that Noah must have had his 
hands and heart full during his sojourn in the 
stuffy ark with "two of a kind." I noticed that 
this perfect collection contained no unicorn, and I 
remarked its absence to the keeper. He didn't 
appear to appreciate my pains. If you want to 
amuse yourself, just step into a zoo on the Conti- 
nent and inquire for the English unicorn ; or, 
what is equally amusing, ask a Frenchman if he 
ever met a Waterloo, as though a Waterloo were 
something that went stalking about the country 
seeking whom or what it might devour. 

VIII 

"four centuries About the only feature I saw 

after!" Jj^ ^j^g palace worthy of mention 

was a stove bearing the name of a well-known 
American stove manufactory. Here I stopped 
and rubbed the configurations of my head a mo- 
ment ; " Yes, it is just four hundred years after ! " 
Ryk's Museum is certainly a 
magnificent temple of art. The 
celebrated painting by Van der Heist, representing 



at large in art. 



40 Four Cenhiries After 

the City Guard of Amsterdam celebrating the 
Treaty of Munster, 1648, is certainly a study in 
art, although the group, as a city guard, wouldn't 
present a very formidable appearance guarding 
the city of to-day. 

Ruskin has said that " the fairest view you can 
take of a Dutch painter is that he is a respectable 
tradesman furnishing well-made articles in oil and 
paint." The Dutchman is quite clever at painting 
a cow ; but his conception of an angel reminds me 
of a flying machine I once saw — a decidedly mate- 
rialistic angel, with wings that, if brought to bear 
with the nicest of skill on our ether, could not be 
induced to raise their burden to anything like an 
angelic height. 



IX 



ALAS, IT IS TOO Amstcrdam hardly mentions 

true! her theatres, but she is justly 

proud of her beer-garden, one of the finest in 
Europe. After visiting this garden, I strolled 
aimlessly about town, till I was arrested — not by 
a policeman, but by the glaring announcement, 
" English Concert Hall." I was about to pass on, 
when a young, gayly, yet meagrely, dressed woman 
came out and, without a formal presentation or 
the faintest apology for her abruptness, proceeded 
to get acquainted with me. She urged me to come 
in ; she even laid hands on me ; but I pleaded 
a former engagement. My plea was of no avail ; 
she was as irresistible as a Baxter Street decoy ; 



Four Centuries After 41 

in fact, her ways were so winning'that she at last 
persuaded me to go in. I am sometimes willing 
to compromise an argument to avoid a scene with 
a woman. She led me to a table and, motioning 
me to a chair, took one opposite me, and then 
asked me in a pleading way to order a bottle 
of champagne. Leaning forward, to get nearer 
her ear, I whispered that if she would do me a 
certain favor I would pay for the champagne. 
She didn't blush, but looked at me somewhat sur- 
prised, and then nodded her head. While she 
drank her champagne, I looked about me. Yes ; 
it was the same old story ; the same sittings and 
the same actors, on whom the " Scarlet Letter " 
stood out in bold relief. The champagne was 
drunk, and after a time there came a lull in the 
singing, when I again whispered to my vis-a-vis. 
She got up and slowly made her way to the stage, 
whispered something to the leader of the orchestra, 
who looked rather amused but nodded assent. 
Then she took her position on the stage and, in a 
clear, well-modulated voice, began to sing, " Do 
they miss me at home ? " Her audience looked in- 
quiringly at one another, and then, rather timidly, 
a voice here and there joined in till the hall re- 
sounded with their united effort. Evidently some- 
where back in the past they had sung it in different 
surroundings and under different circumstances. 
The man sitting a little to my right, who wore a 
rather blase appearance when I came in, rested his 
hand, containing a wineglass, on the table and 
allowed his gaze to fix itself on the bare wall in 



42 Fom- Centuiies After 



front of him, and became so rapt that the young 
woman sitting opposite had to nudge him twice 
before she could recall his attention back to her ; 
and one of the girls on the stage, who had seemed 
ready to laugh at anything or nothing, at the end 
of the first stanza took out her handkerchief, blew 
her nose violently, and then arose rather precipi- 
tately and went behind the scenes. 

The experiment was an old one, often tried, but 
I never grow tired of watching its effect on the 
human affections. A man may drift a long way 
from his home and his God, and believe, and even 
boast, that he is a bad man, but associated mem- 
ory i7iay bring him back for a moment, and possi- 
bly start a train of thought that points to a shallow 
life with no promise of anything beyond. 

The last note of the song died away, and then a 
stillness followed. There was no encore. All sat 
very quiet as though waiting for something to call 
them out of a trance — all but one, and he (the 
instigator of the sudden change from gay to grave), 
got up and walked out. As he passed through 
the entrance, he was startled by a loud report ! 
He looked back — another bottle of champagne 
had been broken ! 

. X . 

On the afternoon of November 

THE EXPEDITION 

TAKES THE TOW- 2d, thc cxpcdltion left Amster- 
PATH. dam. It walked briskly through 

the town to the suburbs, where it took the tow- 
path along the Amstel. The Dutchmen watched 



Four Centuries After 43 

its progress with a passive curiosity, and its unique 
appearance almost caused the windmills to stop 
their merry-go-round. The path presented a 
good' foothold, and the weather was just cool 
enough to render walking a pleasure. 
THE expedition's I Say that the Expedition started 

ITINERARY Qut ou foot. Now, It was the in- 

tention of the projector of this expedition that it 
should continue this style of locomotion right on 
until we came to the banks of the Rhine ; thence 
we should proceed along the river's alleged course 
through Germany into Switzerland, and on until 
we discovered its true source. Then we would 
travel on through Italy until we reached the south- 
ern coast of Europe at Venice. 

I was induced to divulge the secret of this proj- 
ect to the few who shared my sufferings in crossing 
the ocean, and they could hardly wait until they 
got around on the opposite side of the cabin to 
smile their smile. They said the thing couldn't 
be done at that season of the year ; but, with the 
enthusiasm characteristic of great men, I believed 
it could be done — and then I looked down at my 
cunningly moulded legs. Obstacles act as an in- 
spiration to true genius, and their words of dis- 
couragement had a like effect on me ; and I 
recalled an immortal passage in our national 
history : " Pike's Peak, or bust ! ' 

The idea of starting out on 

A PURPOSE OF ^ 

ASTOUNDING oRiGi- foot to cross a continent in these 



NAl.ITY. 



days of quick transit may appear 
a little crazy. The object of this Expedition was 



44 Four Centuries After 

discovery — not the discovery of the latest novel, 
nor additions to the guide-book, but the discovery 
of the source of a great river, the tribes inhabiting 
her shores, their great faults and microscopic vir- 
tues — and whoever heard of a really great discov- 
erer carrying on his researches by steam ? It 
would have been economy of time and cash to 
have gone by rail or steamboat, but in all great 
and noble undertakings economy should be a 
secondary consideration. As I have intimated, a 
man may travel by rail or boat a long, long way 
and discover nothing outside the covers of his 
book ; but how far would he travel on foot while 
peering into a book ? Should he attempt the last- 
mentioned feat, he would soon make a discovery 
which would be startling, if not unique. On the 
second day out, while examining a map in our 
guide-book en route, the Expedition stepped into 
a canal. This misplaced confidence in our guide- 
book delayed the Expedition for half an hour or so, 
while it wrung the canal out of its socks and made 
a few observations in well-chosen, forceful words. 
No ; don't go hustling through a country by 
steam, if you wish to discover something beyond 
what you could have looked up in your library at 
home. 

XI 

ONE MISFIT LAN- ' Wc passcd thc first night out 

.GUAGE. from Amsterdam at the small 

town of Abcoude — ^and here I began to appreciate 

what a jolly time one may have in Darkest Europe 



Four Centuries After 45 

with one misfit language, an empty stomach, and 
no place to lay one's head. I speak Columbian, 
my native tongue, only. It occurred to me at an 
early "age that it takes a pretty clever linguist to 
tell what he knows, along with what he thinks 
he knows, in even one tongue, and I promised 
myself that the first language I would attempt 
to master should be — not the American Menu 
language so many of our countrymen affect, 
but the one in which our Declaration of Inde- 
pendence was couched, and in which we sing our 
national hymn and lisp our mother's name. I 
adhered to this resolution ; it sounded very noble 
and lofty at home, but there is a hollow ring about 
it when recited in some parts of Europe. I met 
more than one of our countrymen in the wilds of 
Europe who claimed they could converse with 
almost any of the European tribes, but I found 
that they could hardly make their immediate 
wants known in their mother tongue. I was at 
first inclined to treat them scornfully, but after 
a time I learned to have a sneaking respect for 
their linguistic accomplishment. 
SHE LOVES A WAG- I was surprlscd to find that, of 
OF THE TONGUE. thc Amcrlcan linguists abroad, the 
women are the most versatile — I might say auda- 
cious ; they seem to think nothing of attempting 
to master a foreign tongue, although we know 
(don't we ?) that those who master their own 
tongues are a shining mark, and pass among men 
at par, while in rare instances they are even 
quoted at a premium. 



46 Four Centuries After 

PERSONATING THE Somctimes my one boasted 

GLAM. language, my polyglot, and my 

large and somewhat comprehensive stock of gest- 
ures, all failed to make my wants known. Then 
the words of Thomas a Kempis would strike me 
in a new light : " It is easier not to speak a word 
at all, than not to speak more words than you 
should." I found it easy alike to forbear speaking 
the word and to leave off at the proper time — be- 
fore I had committed some false orthodoxy. But 
his advice, " Seek a convenient time to retire into 
thyself," was very timely called to mind. I feel 
that I have retired — I have gone in for the season. 
In this shut-in condition I am prone to commune 
with myself ; but I find that it is possible for one 
to get just a little weary with one's self and feel as 
though one would like to try transmigration of 
the soul, or even a brief commune with a jackass. 
At Abcoude I had my first 

THE JINGLE OF •' 

GOLD A UNIVERSAL Icssott In gcstlcu lat lu g. At the 

LANGUAGE. Jj^^J^ J^^^^J J ^^.-^J ^^ ^^^^ j_}^gj^ 

understand that I wanted something to eat and a 
place to sleep. They could not see it. Then I 
jingled a little gold. At this, the Dutchman 
pricked up his ears, manifested other symiptoms of 
comprehension, and, at last, he spoke ! He moved ! 
He motioned me to a chair ; then, turning to a 
youngster who had been taking an inventory of our 
outfit, he said something which started the young 
Dutchman off at a pace that threatened to leave 
his wooden shoes behind. A few moments later 
the boy returned, accompanied by a young man 



Four Centuries After 47 

about sixteen years of age. This linguist had 
evidently been boasting that he could speak Eng- 
lish, doubtless feeling confident that the deception 
would never find him out in this little town. 
With a confidence that from the first began to 
go out, he proceeded to interview the Expedition. 
He made a pathetic failure of it at the outset. I 
reached into our bag and drew forth a pencil and 
scrap of paper, and printed thereon : " Do you 
speak Columbian, or English as it is called in 
Europe .? " He took the pencil and paper and 
wrote, " Understand I English," and handed it to 
me with a nod of the head. And thus we carried 
on quite a conversation, although he took great 
pains to transpose the words in his sentences. I 
learned from him that he had acquired his knowl- 
edge of English at a school in Amsterdam where 
they both wrote and spoke it. He said that I 
didn't speak or write it as they did in Amsterdam. 
I told him that was owing to a defect in my early 
training. I wanted to tell him that the way he 
constructed an English sentence reminded me of 
a little game that flourished in America about the 
time roller skating was introduced. The game 
consisted in placing fifteen little cubes of wood in 
a box made just to contain them so that they 
would read in numerical order from one to fifteen. 
Now, while it was simple enough to see the order 
the little blocks should take, they would persist 
in resolving themselves into some such order as 
" thirteen, fifteen, fourteen," thereby causing much 
profanity and not a little insanity. 



48 Four Centuries After 



XII 



When it came bedtime, I fol- 

THE EXPEDITION ' 

ENCOUNTERS A DUTCH lowccl OUT llOSteSS tO E TOOm 

^^°' whicli I found, by the Ught of 

one candle power, to contain a bed and wash- 
stand and a single chair. The bare walls were 
relieved by lithographs of King William III., of 
our Saviour, and the Virgin Mary. I undressed 
and proceeded to open up the bed ; first I turned 
back a thin linen spread, under which I found 
what I took to be a feather mattress. I at once 
thought that the maid had made an awful mistake 
— had inverted the order of bedding very much as 
my interpreter of the evening had constructed his 
English sentences. A further search disclosed 
two coarse, but clean, linen counterpanes, and 
beneath these, another feather-bed. This was the 
unique order in which the various articles of bed- 
ding presented themselves. 

However, the Expedition 

LIGHT AND ELUSIVE. 1 • 1 

crawled ui between the two coun- 
terpanes, and, after the fatigue of the day's tramp, 
was soon asleep. Dreams that followed, after a 
time took on fantastic forms. The Expedition 
shaped its course to the Arctic region, where it 
lay down to sleep on the north side of an iceberg. 
The iceberg exchanged its frigidity for the animal 
heat of the sleeper. The Expedition awoke to find 
itself still in a Dutch bed. That side of the body 
that had been lying in contact with an iceberg was 
uppermost, and an investigation showed that the 



Four Centuries After 49 

feathers contained in the mattress covering the 
occupant of the bed, with a quietness and stealthi- 
ness characteristic of the Arab, had stolen away 
to either side of the Expedition, leaving its upper 
side covered with nothing but three thicknesses of 
linen. 

As the feathers in this tick were not confined to 
any part of their envelope, they chose, with alrhost 
the alacrity of quicksilver, to follow the law of 
gravitation, which carried them into the side of 
the tick, leaving in their stead the two walls 
of the tick and the shivering Explorer. The oc- 
cupant of the bed might, with the persistence of 
an ant, lug the feathers to the place where they 
would do the most good, but with little benefit 
beyond the animal heat engendered by the effort. 
This was the first of many nights passed in an 
effort to poise recreant feathers on the upper side 
of the Expedition. Occasionally we would dis- 
cover a bed covered with a tick that was " fuller 
than a tick," to use an American expression — a 
tick so full that there wasn't room in the sides for 
the feathers to slink to. Then, unless the night 
were very cold, the Expedition would take a sweat 
whether it really needed it or not. 

XIII 

WE MEET A FAMOUS Toward uoou of the following 

"tramp." (jg^y^ while stopping at a wayside 

inn for a drink of water (yes, water !), we had the 

good fortune to fall in with Mr. L. C. Dudock de 

4 



5° Four Centuries After 

W , a " tramp " of world-wide fame. Mr. de 

W at once appreciated the dignity of the Ex- 
pedition, and invited us to accompany him to his 
country home near by. We did so, and found it 
to be a thoroughly equipped museum, literally 
filled with curiosities gathered in the four quarters 
of the globe ; but the showing from America was 
the most complete, as well as the most interesting. 
He was building a museum in the grounds near 
his home to receive his collection, which he had 
named " America." As he is a man of means he 
is quite able to support such a "fad," besides 
keeping up an establishment in Amsterdam. 

While we sat chatting at lunch we heard a rat- 
tling at a casement. Looking up, we saw a small 
pony rubbing his nose against the sash. Our host 
went out, and in a moment returned accompanied 
by the pony, who walked in over the rich carpet 
covering the floor with as much composure as one 
who had passed his life in the drawing-room. He 
wore his master's silk hat tilted jauntily on one 
side of his head, and performed several tricks, for 
which he was rewarded with a few apples. Mr. 

de W gave the Expedition some good advice 

regarding the life of a tramp, and his book de- 
scriptive of his travels. I found the book very 
interesting ; it was profusely illustrated with most 
appropriate lithographs, and was written in clear 
and flowing Low Dutch. When about to peruse 
it I have to examine the pictures critically to make 
sure I have the book right side up. As I am very 
sensitive, I should feel it keenly if any one should 



Four Centuries After 51 

detect me in the act of perusing a book on travels 
bottom side up. It would convey the impression 
that I was simply reviewing the book. I under- 
stand that as a rule it doesn't much matter if both 
the book and reviewer are bottom side up, as the 
degree of bitterness conveyed in the criticism de- 
pends upon the attitude toward the author of the 
establishment paying the reviewer for acting as a 
sort of figure-head in the " reviewing " department. 
However, this may be a mistake ; I hope so, at 
least, as I may have to pass through the ordeal, 
and I wish to pass on merit alone. 

Mr. de W also presented us with a pedom- 
eter, so that we might know the exact number of 
steps we took in a day. This ingenious little 
equivocator takes note of backward steps as well 
as those carrying us right ahead in the path of 
rectitude, and occasionally aside into beer-saloons. 

MUCH STANDING BE- Mr. dc W gavc it as his 

GETS CORNS. opluiou that the Expedition would 

have little difficulty in making its way through 
the dominions of the various tribes along our 
course, so long as the enterprise did not assume a 
war-like attitude. He advised us to keep in am- 
bush while pointing the camera at the natives, as 
an unguarded movement on our part might pre- 
cipitate war — ^and Europe, he intimated, was lan- 
guishing for war ; the war correspondent was 
losing his personality, and the standing army had 
stood around until it had acquired corns on its 
feet. This was sad news indeed, yet what a glori- 
ous opportunity for a chiropodist ! 



52 Four Centuries After 

XIV 

WE ATTEND A HORSE Wc rcachcd Ufrccht in time to 
^'^'^'^- attend a horse fair. It had all 

the features of Miss Bonheur's celebrated " Horse 
Fair," besides a few interesting figures which her 
canvas does not contain ; and, too, there was more 
vitality in this picture. There was a very fine 
showing of horses, and an evident attempt to 
show off every horse to the best advantage. Both 
man and beast made a very interesting study that 
required no knowledge of the Dutch language to 
appreciate. 

On the afternoon of the 4th we reached the 
first natural elevated ground, and then our way 
led through the artificial pine forests ; the wind 
went soughing through their deep, sullen shade, 
and now and then they would emit a sigh that 
seemed as if it might have emanated from a lost 
soul. 

XV 

WE HAIL THE FLYING EvBr slncc thc Expcditlon dis- 
DUTCHMAN. cmbarkcd at Amsterdam we had 

kept our weather eye open (as we mariners ex- 
press it) for the Flying Dutchman ; but we had 
about relinquished all hopes of hailing him, when, 
as the Expedition went trudging gayly along the 
highway this afternoon, he hove in sight. He had 
left his ship (owing, doubtless, to the dreary aspect 
of the Cape of Good Hope since the opening of 
the Suez Canal), and was navigating a low, one- 



Four Centuries After 53 

horse rig, like that used by a drayman. When we 
first sighted him he was dead ahead, making just 
sufficient headway for steerage. As he saw us, 
and recognized our colors, he at once manifested 
a Hvely interest in our rakish appearance, the cut 
of our jib, and many other points a true sailor 
promptly appreciates ; and from the first he kept 
his head craned our way, giving his nag entire 
rein. This was the serene run of things, when the 
horse espied a road leading at a right angle by an 
abrupt descent from the one he was pursuing. 
We don't know whether it was the Dutchman, his 
horse, or pure Providence alone that shaped the 
course of the craft into and down this path lead- 
ing to the right and destruction. We do know, 
however, that the whole outfit did take that direc- 
tion and that they soon struck a spanking breeze. 

HE SPREAD HIS Thc suddcu shifting of 'their 

PINIONS. course, evidently unexpected by 

the Captain, caused him to go by the board and 
down the hill in a winged way that at once dissi- 
pated all doubts as to his identity. We see him 
now — in a sort of vision — flying through space, 
with legs and arms spread out after the style of a 
flying squirrel. 

The horse, oh, where is he ? He, the last flying 
glimpse we had of him, was making, or reducing 
a glorious record ; and the craft, after the 
approved fashion of a phantom ship, was sailing 
away with no crew in sight, guided by an unseen 
hand ; and thus she passed from our sight. 
Next ! 



54 Four Centuries After 



WE DROP A TEAR IN 
THE RHINE. 



XVI 

Nine o'clock on the morning 
of November 5th, our route has 
brought us to the bank of a river seemingly of 
considerable importance. The sun is shining 
brightly, and the surface of the water is as placid 
as the typical June morning. Out toward the 
middle of the stream, a sloop goes drifting by 
with the sluggish current. Anon, the veering cur- 
rent carries her a little off her course, when a faint 
breeze swings her listless sails wearily from side 
to side. A wreath of smoke from her cabin slowly 
ascends, and then goes trailing on behind. Every 
detail of this passing scene is sharply reproduced 
on the surface of the water. Very distant sound 
the tinkling cow-bells from across the water, and 
the clatter of wooden shoes announces the passage 
of children on their way to school. 

What river is this ? I get out our map and com- 
pass and what not, and proceed to make obser- 
vations. Yes, this is the Rhine ! — the classical 
Rhine, guided by whose shores we are to trace the 
rise and fall of a mighty river. Here the chief of 
the Expedition brushes away a tear, presses the 
button of our Kodak, " turns the key once around, 
pulls the cord as far as it will go," replaces the. 
camera in its black morocco carrying case, and 
the cavalcade moves on. The Rhine, while in the 
Dutchman's domain, loiters along between shores 
that are far apart and which never rise to an im- 
posing height. This slow pace just suits the 



Fou7- Centuries After 55 



temperament of the Dutchman. It would annoy 
him to see a river go scurrying by. I understand 
that she (the Rhine) had to promise not to ex- 
ceed a given velocity before she could secure the 
right of way through the Dutch Republic. She 
at first threatened to force her way and carry on 
very much as she did while with the light-hearted 
Swiss, when Mynheer warned her that she must 
proceed quietly and at a pace suited to the habits 
of the people she had fallen in with ; to which she 
is recorded as having rejoined, with considerable 
spirit, "Well, I'll be dammed if I do ! "—meaning, 
I presume, that in any event the Dutchman would 
limit the spread of her career with dams. Such 
dialogues are highly elating to a third party, who is 
sure to put the worst possible construction on the 
import of the discussion. 

XVII 

THAT REMINDS To-day, Novcmbcr 5th, while 

^^- ' in fifty-two degrees north lati- 

tude and about five degrees and thirty minutes 
east longitude, while trudging gayly along, we 
discovered something in the air that called up 
by-gone memories. No ; it was not the fragrance 
of new-mown hay. What could it be? We got 
out our map, and found that the Province of Lim- 
burg lay just south of us. Could it be that this 
state was out for an airing? A vivid imagination 
will grasp at anything in an emergency, and it 
may be that our suspicion was fanciful as well as 



56 Four Centuries After 

unjust ; but, in the absence of means whereby to 
trace the true source, the fact remained that our 
" old factories " were badly offended, if not out- 
raged. 

XVIII 



WE BID FAREWELL TO 
THE DUTCHMAN. 



We are about to leave the land 
of Dams and Van Dykes. We 
shall go with some regret. We have become 
somewhat attached to the Dutchman and his 
country ; the excellent roads, lined by endless 
avenues of magnificent trees — avenues that seem 
like looking through the wrong end of the tele- 
scope, and through which embowered shade the 
sunlight sifts across our path ; the neatly kept 
country (too neat to be picturesque) ; the scrupu- 
lously clean — almost painfully clean — homes, with 
their lawns, whose shrubbery is of too symmetrical 
a pattern ; the ribbons of water everywhere shim- 
mering in the sunlit landscape, all go to make up 
a picture of thrift and neatness I shall always 
carry with me. 

And the Dutchman, with his gruff manners, his 
want of polish — I forgive him all, even for not 
raising his hat and removing his pipe when he 
grunts good-morning in his guttural Low Dutch. 
I can understand this — I can understand why he 
rarely gets enthusiastic. His never-ending battle 
to keep his head above water explains all, and is 
in itself an appeal to oui generosity and sense of 
justice. 



PART III 



WE INVADE THE GER- I 3111 tolcl that wc wIll liavc to 
MAN EMPIRE. intervicw the German Ju Ju men, 
or High Priests, at Elten, a little town just across 
the border. We marched through the town over 
a cobblestone pavement (which nearly sprained 
the ankles of the Expedition) to the railroad sta- 
tion, where we offered to submit to the inspector. 
But the customs ofificials refused to understand 
our appeal, or were afraid to open up our outfit. 
They probably never saw an expedition on foot 
before. Fearing that if we prolonged the inter- 
view we might be mistaken for a diabolical crank, 
we moved on. 

And thus it came to pass that the Expedition 
invaded the German Empire without being chal- 
lenged. We might have smuggled a whole box of 
cigars, a bottle of Florida water, and a case of 
liquor or of small-pox into the empire with impu- 
nity ; but you can never feel quite sure when they 
will take a notion to open you up and look way to 
the false bottom, and even beyond. 



58 Four Centuries After 

II 

THOSE ARTIFICIAL, During our first day in the Ger- 

UNLETTERED FORESTS, nian Empirc we passed through 
many miles of artificial forest. These artificial 
forests are too artificial to please the eye of a 
lover of the picturesque in nature ; artifice is ever 
painfully evident ; trees placed with geometrical 
exactness, their trunks scrupulously clean of limbs 
to just such a height ; the ground underneath well 
kept, and as free from litter as a city lawn. How 
I did want to see a few fallen trees at various 
angles of declension ; a stump here and there ; 
possibly a primitive squirrel-trap placed invitingly 
somewhere in the background ; a clump of dark- 
girdled birch-trees, with their bark hanging in tat- 
ters, one tree bearing a set of rudely carved initials 
pointing to an oft-told tale ! 

Ill 

A WOMAN AT THs All along our route they are 

PLOUGH. gg|.^jj^g. jj-^ i-j^gjj. f^ii ploughing. 

It is not an unusual treat to see a woman guiding 
the plough. A woman's natural curiosity leads 
her to " look back " occasionally ; aside from this 
fault, she seems to turn the furrow with as nice 
dexterity as the average ploughman. It is doubt- 
ful if the same woman v/ould " execute " the 
piano with the same facility that she does the 
plough. She would substitute staccato for grace 
notes, and bring in too many accidentals to charm 



Four Centuries After 59 

_ -, 

the ear of the Muse. But you may not expect to 
find all the virtues in one woman. 

We saw a combination to-day that caused the 
Expedition to lean against the fence and laugh. 
It was a ploughing scene. The plough was being 
drawn by a sedate cow and a coquettish jackass. 
A woman had the plough in charge, while a man 
plodded alongside the traction engine, cracking a 
whip and conversing with the trio in High Dutch. 
He was a man of powerful build, and could get 
more crack out of his whip than any living clown. 
The cow and woman took his bluster calmly, but 
the jackass would shy at every explosion, wag his 
ears, switch his tail, and take a sort of " hop- 
slide-step." Once we noticed him reach out with 
his nigh hind foot as though feeling for some 
occult thing. 

I wondered why the man didn't sit on the fence 
and crack his whip. The whip would have been 
effective the length of a furrow, and sitting on the 
fence would have been less fatiguing. 

After the first shock, this picture made me feel 
sad. The arrangement was so peculiar, the sit- 
ting (so to speak) so inartistic. How the pride of 
the jackass must have been humiliated, how his 
sensitive nature must have been pained ! How 
the dignity of the man must have been lowered, 
his patience tried ! Could you blame the cow if 
she refused to "give down " her milk that even- 
ing? Then there was the woman — alas! of the 
quartette she sensed the want of poetry in this 
pastoral scene the least. 



6o Four Centuries After 

AND STILL ANOTHER 111 ffly youngcr days L enter- 
picTURE SHATTERED, tallied 501116 poctlc notioii of the 
laborer's life in the field, toiling by the side of a 
woman — his sister, or some one else's sister ; the 
refining influence of such association ; how a 
glance of the eye and a box on the ears would 
make the day slip by. Alas ! the tuberose and 
the primrose belong pot to the rose ; the silver 
lining of the clouds is not silver ; and we are told 
that the Devil is not as black as he is painted, even 
if he have an existence at all. 

I have seen the woman in the field, and I find 
that she is not necessarily " a joy forever," and she 
is rarely a " thing of beauty," either physically or 
mentally — that is, according to our exalted stand- 
ard — in the girl we left behind us. She doesn't 
look like a girl you would like to " fool with." 
Her face wears an habitual expression of passive 
earnestness, and although the. gray matter of her 
brain may be wanting in thickness, her biceps 
are well developed, and she wouldn't cry, " Stop 
now ! " many times before she would respond to 
your suit in a way that would nearly make your 
heels break your neck. A few such responses 
would discourage the most ardent suitor. 
WE ADORE A WOMAN No doubt " naturc is in earnest 
BY OUR FIRESIDE. whcn shc makcs a woman!" 
" Yes," we should expect a German to rejoin, "and 
what is nature's mood when she is making a tad- 
pole ? " And practically he says, because he is 
a " man that is born of a woman," he isn't going 
to repine. No, he will defy the penalty ; he will 



Four Centuries After 6i 

smoke his pipe, and crack his whip, and see that 
woman (who brings man into the world for a brief 
sojourn that shall be " full of trouble ") shall be 
humiliated ; shall be made to realize the enormity 
of her sins ; as his wife she shall be his mistress 
and his nurse, but not his companion ; she shall 
be made to toil until her hard-lined face speaks 
not of a soul ; and when he comes to close her 
eyes and fold her toil-worn hands across her 
breast, his solace shall be, " It was not my fault 
that I was born of a woman ! " 

IV 
Toward the evenino;- of Novem- 



HOW THE SOLDIER 



HELPS THE FARMER bcr 9th thc Expcdltion encoun- 
" DRILL." tered a squad of German caval- 

rymen. Our first impression on seeing them was 
that the German Army had been notified of our 
approach and had sent out a reconnoitring party ; 
but when nearly abreast of us they wheeled to 
their right and easily cleared a fence that an 
unruly bull would not have attempted to vault. 
They started at full tilt across recently ploughed 
fields, newly seeded meadow-land, and over divi- 
sion fences, high or low, as though they were in 
pursuit of the very devil, or the tail end of the 
French Army. By watching their movements for 
a few moments we discovered that they were in 
quest of a purely imaginary foe : they were drill- 
ing, as the result in the soft, damp soil plainly 
proved. Wherever they went the soil was thor- 



62 Foitr Centuries After 

oughly drilled full of holes from one to three inches 
deep, and the way the mud flew would have put 
a steam-dredge to shame. I have a very limited 
knowledge of farming, but the question at once 
arose in my mind : " Is it pure farm ethics to 
promiscuously include newly seeded and old mead- 
ows in this drilling process ? " And, so near as I 
can ascertain, the farmer's opinion is not called 
for, and if offered, is entirely ignored. It may be 
that a man qualified for the German Army and 
Navy is supposed to know what treatment farm 
land requires to insure a bountiful harvest. 
WE APPROACH A FOR- An inspcctlon of our map 
TiFiED TOWN. showcd that we were somewhere 
in the vicinity of Wesel, a fortified town, and as 
we ascended a slight elevation we heard a medley 
of discordant sounds that in some way reminded 
me of a disturbed hornet's nest. It was the blare 
of trumpets, near and far, open and smothered. 
This was to be the Expedition's first experience 
with a real fortified town, and it was with consid- 
erable trepidation and a measured tread that we 
advanced toward her drawbridge. Should we be 
able to take the town by strategy ? Or would we 
have to unstrap our ram and make a slight breach 
in the walls, and then sit around and negotiate a 
bloodless evacuation of the town ? Occasionally 
we would encounter a sentinel, who would eye us 
suspiciously, as though he thought we might have 
a concealed purpose or infernal machine about 
our person. We expected at any moment to hear 
one of these guards call (in the language of the 



Four Centuries After d^^ 

German), " Halt, and give the countersign ! " 
This would have perplexed us very much, as we 
had neglected to buy a stock when we crossed the 
frontier, and an American countersign might not 
be current, even at a discount, in Germany. But 
by wearing a foolish look (which we carry for 
such occasions), we succeeded in reaching the 
drawbridge without any serious mishap. This 
drawbridge spans a real moat — not one of those 
minute particles that get into your eye and look 
and feel as large as a mountain, but a genuine 
waterway. We found the bridge (which had the 
chain-hoisting attachment in place) still down ; 
and before the guards, who stood on either side 
with muskets in hand, suspected our purpose, we 
had reached it and crossed it and were passing the 
outer gate. After we had gotten fairly across the 
bridge we expected to see it flip up at any moment 
— like the door of a rat trap — and hear the guard 
exclaim " Ah, ha ! " But, to our consternation, 
the bridge remained down, and the guards said 
nothing, although they scanned us pretty closely, 
as though to estimate our fighting capacity. 

So we passed through the gate, without being 
challenged, into the town. This gate is not of 
the wicket kind which the young people are said 
to fondly lean over and say— from once to a dozen 
times at a sitting — " Good-night, dear—! — ! — (?) " 
We know from hearsay only, and it may be that 
this is not exactly what they say and do over a 
wicket gate during the month of June. Be that 
as it may, this gate is not one of those picturesque 



64 Four Centuries After 

wicket gates ; it is a massive iron affair, well de- 
signed to stay the progress of an invading army, 
until the townspeople could slip into their armor 
and have everything cocked and primed to re- 
ceive invaders in a most ardent manner. 
WHEN YOU COME TO Although thcy had gone to 
THINK ABOUT IT. yj^g^- gxpcnsc to fortlfy against 
the invasion of the soldier, we failed to see how 
they were to keep out the inquisitive microbes or 
bacteria, or how to effectually drive them out 
when they once became residents of their town. 
It seems as though a closely populated city, sur- 
rounded on all sides by thick, high walls and a 
ditch, would make a perfect incubator for certain 
" breeds " of bacteria ; and it does seem as though 
intelligent men ought to be better able to reason 
with their aggressive fellow-men than with a war- 
like host of microbes ; but, to our sorrow, we know 
it is too true that man is his greatest foe, and that 
he will often forsake his best interests to show his 
neighbor how easily he can " do him up." 
A SOLDIER MANUFAc- Ou looklug Wcscl ovcr, wc 
TORY. ^j-,^ \\\2X her principal industry is 

the manufacture of soldiers. The process is an 
interesting one ; they take the crude material from 
both town and country (where it is incubated and 
gotten well under way), and at first put it through 
a course of free exercises, which includes some 
very comical exploits — in fact, nearly every per- 
formance Hank and the boys used to delight in. 
They are taught to put one foot consecutively 
ahead of its fellow in " one, two, three " time. 



Four Centuries After 65 

At first the feet act a little diffident and are liable 
to become confused, but after a time the proper 
foot comes to the front with a promptness and 
precision that characterizes the movements of the 
soldier,. Then they are taught how to shoot — not 
how to "shoot the young idea" — but how to dis- 
charge a musket loaded with a blank cartridge. 
This is interesting and comparatively harmless. 
Then, as positive evidence that they are the stuff 
soldiers are made of, they make eyes at the girls 
who are wont to hover about the barracks. 
UNBOUNDED ADMiRA- On thc followiug momiug, we 

TioN, AND yet! awokc for the first time in a forti- 
fied town. The situation was not very peculiar 
until we attempted to get out of this fortified 
town. Now, we find it is one thing to get into a 
fortified town, while it may be quite another thing 
to get out. We doubt if a mouse gives much 
thought about the ways and means of getting into 
a trap ; it's the exit that perplexes his awaking 
senses. The Expedition makes it an inflexible rule 
to shape its course as directly through a town as 
circumstances will permit and judgment guide. 
The Expedition on this occasion started to carry 
out this policy, but had not proceeded far when 
the advance column came face to face with a 
severely plain wall — no bas-relief ; indeed, there 
seemed to have been no attempt at ornamentation. 

We didn't like to inquire our way out for fear 

of being misunderstood, if understood at all, so 

we took the first street that promised to lead 

directly at a right angle with the one that had 

5 



66 Four Centuries After 

carried us against the wall. This street very 
kindly showed us a section .of the town we hadn't 
seen before, and we began to get interested. This 
street, too, unlike eternity, had an end, and its 
end bore a striking resemblance to the end of the 
other street ; the wall was no less compact, and 
promised just as much security as it did at other 
points of its circumference. This observation 
tended to heighten the pleasure of the situation, 
although we don't recall that any member of the 
Expedition really laughed aloud on making these 
unexpected observations. Here we halted and 
consulted ourselves. We reasoned that if we took 
another street to our right and at a right angle with 
the one passed through last, our course, assuming 
that the streets were straight (which it were pre- 
sumptuous to presume), would be describing the 
third side of a four-sided figure. I never give 
much attention to geometry, but this incident 
interested me at once, and I said : " Now is my 
opportunity." We agreed that it was pretty ex- 
tensive figure-drawing that comprehended a whole 
town, but we concluded that the scheme was but 
in keeping with the vast scope of the Expedition 
generally, so we completed the third side of the 
quadrangle. It is passing strange to relate that 
this street also ended its career just as the others 
had, and, on carefully taking our bearing, we 
cheerfully struck out to complete the last side of 
our proposition. We had gone but a short dis- 
tance when our path led across a street that seemed 
wonderfully familiar. We looked up the street to 



Four Centuries After 67 

our left, and there, not more than a few yards 
away, was the identical passage with the draw- 
bridge in the vista ! 

We'passed out into the sunlight, and had very 
little trouble in shaping a course around a city we 
had failed to get through. 

Now, from a vast experience with fortified cities, 
we are prepared to formulate this rule : In travel- 
ling along the highway, should you find the con- 
tinuity of said highway broken by a fortified town, 
your most direct way through said town is to go 
around it. There may be some of the elements of 
a paradox in this statement, but to fully appreci- 
ate its beauty the prejudiced one should ignore 
its teachings and endeavor to take a direct course 
through the class of enclosures in question. 



V 



THE MODERN SCHOOL Wc fiud Dusseldorf a handsome 
OF PAINTING. (,jj.y Qf rather modern appear- 

ance. During our sojourn in this city — a sojourn 
the length of which did not warrant our becoming 
a citizen — we spent most of our time studying the 
new school of painting. We liked the new school 
in this, that it shows less partiality for the Virgin 
Mary, our Saviour, and the Saints, than the Old 
Masters did. These subjects are unquestionably 
worthy of the artist's highest conception and great- 
est skill, which does not imply that an artist should 
devote a life-time to them. An artist — an artist, 
not a machine — can teach a wholesome lesson in 



68 Four Centuries After 

the face of a mortal as well as that of our Saviour. 
The face of a saint is not understood by all the 
unredeemed to whom the artist would teach a 
lofty lesson. 

VI 
Great travellers have been 

THE APPARENT IRREG- 
ULARITY OF THE SUN's known to start out after a 

MOVEMENTS. iilght's Tcposc aud retrace their 

steps of the previous day. To avoid such an 
unprofitable departure, I have made it a rule, 
as soon as we break camp in the morning, to go 
to the bank of the Rhine and cast a chip therein, 
and, noting the course it takes, examine our com- 
pass and then look for the sun. 

People who have spent their lives in a city 
(where they go to bed about the time the inde- 
pendent farmer gets up to make hay) will tell you 
that the sun rises in the east. If you ask them 
where they got their information, they will tell you 
they were taught the simple truth at school, and 
they will frankly own that they never saw the 
morning sun much below the zenith. They will 
also tell you that the Rhine rises somewhere in 
Switzerland, and, flowing pretty directly north, 
empties into the North Sea. 

Now, we have discovered that an awful mistake 
has been entertained. We have seen the sun get- 
ting up on the east bank of the Rhine, and on the 
following morning we have detected him boldly 
rising on the opposite bank. This phenomenon at 
first startled me beyond measure, but I soon re- 



Four Centuries After 69 

covered my composure and set about investigat- 
ing what seemed to be a new departure on the 
part of our luminary. " Can it be," I soliloquized, 
" that Emperor William — or Billy Hohenzollern, as 
he is familiarly called — to inspire his subjects with 
due respect, has caused the sun to make its morn- 
ing debut on the western confines of the German 
Empire ?" I have felt that such a change in the 
divine schedule of our planetary and solar system 
were possible if the emperor's indigestion willed 
it ; but I looked for at simpler explanation of this 
startling phenomenon. I took out our compass, 
rubbed the configurations of my head thought- 
fully, and then it dawned on me that the Rhine 
does not pursue a geometrically straight course 
due north — its course is much like that traced by 
the typical small schoolboy on his way " direct " 
to and from the seat of learning. 



VII 



OUR VOLUNTEER At DusscMorf the question 

GUIDE. arose whether it were better to 

follow the many windings of this river — whether it 
were not humiliating for so noble an enterprise to 
be tracing every deviation of so capricious a stream. 
Its appearance on our map at this point reminds 
me of the antics of an angleworm when it feels 
the point of a fish-hook ; it squirms about in a 
frightful manner ; and I decided to take as direct 
a route as I could find leading to Cologne. With 
this object in view, I asked an intelligent party 



7° Four Centuries After 

standing by, my most direct way out of town. As 
he stood pointing the way I should take, a young, 
good-natured appearing fellow came up and gave 
me to understand that he was going my way and 
would be pleased to join me. I accepted his 
kind offer in language evidently just as vaguely 
comprehensive to him as his proposition had been 
to me, and we fell into line and struck out for 
Cologne, our volunteer guide, with a martial air, 
in advance of the Expedition. 
HE TREATED US AT Our coursc out of the city had 
MY EXPENSE. ^ grcat ffiauy angles in it, and 

before we had gone far our guide piloted the Ex- 
pedition into a saloon, under the implied pretence 
that he wanted to make sure of the route we 
should take. He interviewed the man at the bar, 
evidently became satisfied that he was quite right 
in his bearings, then he invited the Expedition to 
take a drink of beer with him, after which he 
showed me how much I should pay the man be- 
hind the bar. Just as we were about to leave the 
suburbs of the town and pursue our course into 
the open country, our guide, to make sure doubly 
sure, turned into another saloon to chat with the 
man behind the bar ; and again, with the most per- 
fect air of good-fellowship, he treated himself and 
the Expedition to beer, at my expense. I began to 
appreciate his liberality — he was helping me spend 
my money. There are many people in this world 
who have been so preoccupied in the getting of 
wealth that they have neglected to acquire the art 
of spending it. With them the art of paying out 



Four Centuries After 71 

money for pleasure at first causes them pain in- 
stead of bringing them pleasure ; some one has to 
help them form the habit of spending money 
before they derive any pleasure from their wealth. 
DELUGED WITH BEER We stoppcd at cvcry town, big 
AND ASSURANCE. ^nd Httle, along our route that 
day, to make sure that we had not entered the 
straight and narrow road that leads to destruction 
instead of Cologne, and at every stop the guide 
treated himself and the Expedition to beer, at my 
expense. Dinner for two was likewise at my ex- 
pense ; and it began to dawn upon me that even 
the after laugh was at my expense. I dumbly 
pleaded with him, tried to have him understand 
that while a deluge of beer would not slake his 
yearning thirst for assurance that our hegira was 
in a bee-line, it might snarl our locomotion and 
thus render the Expedition less expeditious. Find- 
ing that my eloquence was lost on him, I submit- 
ted to what seemed to be the inevitable ; and 
when we reached Cologne I felt that my capacity 
for beer was equal to that of the Heidelberg tun : 
and while at one moment I was tempted to kick 
our guiding star into a distant constellation, the 
next moment his ingenious audacity inspired me 
with unbounded admiration, and when we parted, 
the latter emotion was uppermost. 

VIII 



THERE WAS SOME- 



Of course, the objective point 
THING BACK OF IT. of thc Expcdltiou at Cologne was 
the Cathedral. Often as this edifice has been 



72 Pour Centuries After 

described by travellers, I cannot recall that any 
one has mentioned the man who meets you outside 
and asks you if you have seen the miniature 
cathedral, " the design after which the Cathedral 
was built." This man should be mentioned in the 
guide-book in upper-case type. He tells you that 
this small cathedral is in a building near by and 
that it will cost nothing to see it. This last infor- 
mation is the tempting bait for the impecunious 
explorer : a cathedral, big or little, which can be 
seen without paying an admission fee, a fee to the 
beadle, a fee for the privilege of ascending the 
tower (no "ascension room American "), a fee to 
get in the sacristy, and a fee to get out of the 
cathedral — a cathedral that can be seen without 
investing these fees, and maybe many more, should 
be seen — this alone makes it a curiosity. 
"HONESTY IS THE I thought that thcre was some- 

BEST POLICY "-IF- thlug back of this generosity, and 
I was curious to know just what it was. I found 
the small cathedral in the shop of a Cologne 
water merchant. He didn't succeed in effecting a 
sale ; we had bought our stock of Cologne water ; 
but the benevolent man who escorted me there 
confidentially told me (his confidence in a perfect 
stranger was touching), when he had me outside, 
that he was " dead broke " financially ; that he 
was in urgent want of the necessaries of life. I 
asked him what he was in the greatest need of — 
something to eat or something to drink. He told 
me he was famishing for a drink. I gave him a 
m^rk and told him to always stick to the truth, 



Four Centuries After 73 

unless his victims should insist on being told that 
he was sober and industrious and the father of a 
large and crescent family, temporarily embar- 
rassed. His little lie would make his embarrass- 
ment evident. 

IX 



THE EXPLORER 



Here, where a sunbeam rests 
ENTERS THE GREAT upoH tHc floor, staiuiug the white 

CATHEDRAL. , , -.i .1 1 

marble with the many colors 
borrowed from yon memorial window, the great 
Explorer stops. Seemingly as in a dream, there is 
borne to his ear on air fragrant with incense, the 
soft, sibilant whisperings of devout worshippers 
conning their morning prayer : now rising, now 
falling, now receding until the ear scarce catches 
what seems to be the dying echoes of ascending 
supplications. From out a stillness there steal 
the low notes of an organ — from afar they come, 
they grow, they expand, until the great edifice is 
flooded with one grand symphony and the heart 
of the great Explorer is touched with tenderness 
and love. 

X 

ELEVEN THOUSAND Wc also visitcd thc church of 

virgins! ^]^g Eleven Thousand Virgins, 

and in viewing the ghastly relics " adorning " the 
walls of this edifice, I fell into a contemplative 
mood — I often get that way — and the sad thought 
forced itself upon me : " If to-day (in this i892d 
year of our Lord) eleven thousand of Great Brit- 



74 Four Centuries After 

ain's Virgins should make a pilgrimage to Rome, 
and while returning be accosted by the Huns, or 
any other of the Continental tribes, what would 
be their fate ? Would one or two, following 
human instincts, prove false to their vows, or 
would they, one and all, choose a violent death 
rather than submit to the advances of men not 
actuated by religious fervor ? " 
REASON DOESN'T AL- It IS wcll cuough to thlulc the 
WAYS HELP US OUT. Hiattcr over, although we may 
not feel at liberty to express an opinion. There 
are some things we can easily understand, while 
there are other things (Eternity, for example), for 
obvious reasons, we cannot comprehend ; while 
between these two extremes there lie questions 
which the individual may not understand because 
he is so constituted that he cannot understand 
what may even appear self-evident to his neighbor. 

XI 



I AM TAKEN IN. 



That evening at my hotel I 
sought an unoccupied table in a 
vacant corner, and had just called for a mug of 
beer, when a young man approached and said : 
"Your host tells me you are an American." 
Here he handed me a card, continuing : ." Permit 
me to introduce myself as a fellow-countryman. 
I was told that you do not speak German fluently, 
so I venture to ask you if I can in any way be of 
service to you ? " 

I admitted that I didn't speak German as fully 
and freely as the flowing tide, and invited him to 



Four Centuries After 75 

sit at my table and talk Columbian and drink beer 
with me. He explained that he was attending a 
course of lectures at the Academy, and, pointing 
across the room to where four young men were 
sitting at a table, smoking and drinking beer, con- 
tinued : " Those are my fellow-students, who are 
out with me for the evening ; we should be pleased 
to have you join us." 

We crossed to where the four students were sit- 
ting, and I was introduced to the members of the 
party, when more beer was called for ; then Amer- 
ica and her institutions were referred to. After 
a time, the student who first presented himself 
turned to me and said : " It has been our custom 
to meet nightly at this place at a later or earlier 
hour of the evening ; and, while we drink our 
beer and smoke our pipe, listen to the recital of a 
personal experience by some one of the members 

of our party. It falls to S to entertain us 

this evening, and he was about to contribute 
his experience in being 'buried alive,' when our 
host pointed you out to us — would you care to 

listen to S 's cheerful entertainment ? " 

I replied that I had a morbid curiosity that 
would be delighted to hear from a person who had 
been buried, dead or alive. They all laughed at 
this bit of conceit in a patronizing way, and after 
we had emptied our mugs, and had them refilled, 
our entertainer of the evening began : 
A VOICE FROM THE " I havc an unpleasant recollec- 

GRAVE. . tJQ^ Qf being warned at a very 

early age that I should not enter into the more 



76 Four Centuries After 

violent sports of my playmates ; that I would have 
to be very quiet, and avoid all excitement. As 
soon as I had reached the age of better under- 
standing, our family physician tried to explain to 
me that I was born with aneurismal diathesis — pre- 
disposition to aneurism — a condition that rarely 
develops in youth. He hoped that a nutritious 
diet would build up a strong constitution to tide 
over threatened danger ; but again cautioned me 
that a moment's undue physical exertion or men- 
tal excitement might terminate fatally. 

" From that moment I was harassed with an 
abiding fear that some thoughtless act of mine 
might abruptly terminate my precarious career. 
During my wakeful hours I could not follow a 
train of thought long, could not apply my mind to 
the most interesting study for any length of time, 
without this fear of impending danger breaking in 
on my quiet : and in my sleep my dreams were 
constantly harassed with visions of a struggle 
between life and death. I felt that this fear was 
undermining my health, a feeling that seemed to 
be shared by my family, although they tried to 
conceal this from me. 

" One bright June day, during my seventeenth 
year, I went for a row on the lake ; and, its sur- 
face being calm, I continued to pull leisurely out 
from the shore, for the time forgetful that a storm 
might possibly arise and render my return labori- 
ous, if not impossible. When I had reached a 
point, possibly two miles from nearest land, I felt 
a slight breeze from landward, which warned me 



Four Centuries After 77 

to turn about at once and pull for shore. I had 
not gone far in that direction, however, when the 
breeze had increased to such a degree that I could 
make but very slow progress against it. It soon 
became apparent to me that if I were ever to reach 
shore it would be by an effort that I had been 
warned never to make ; but I resolved to take the 
chances in making a supreme effort to reach shore, 
rather than allow myself to be blown out into the 
lake to almost certain death from drowning. I 
pulled until every muscle quivered — until my heart 
beat so violently, a sense of suffocation came over 
me. Nearly dead from fear and the great physical 
exertion I had undergone, I at last felt the keel of 
my boat grate oh the beach. I recollect that I got 
up and staggered out of the boat, and then — a blank. 
" The first glimmer of returning consciousness 
which I can recall is associated with a sensation as 
of awaking from an almost interminable sleep — a 
cramped feeling, as though the voluntary muscles 
of my whole body had not acted for many days. 
I noticed that my respiration was very limited in 
capacity and spasmodic in action ; and the feeling 
of suffocation which had been my last sensation 
on reaching the beach, long, long ago, was still 
with me. I tried to move, but my muscles refused 
to act. Not a ray of light entered my open eyes 
— I was surrounded by a darkness that seemed al- 
most tangible ; and my feeble senses asked, ' Where 
am I — where are the faces of my family?' After 
repeated efforts I succeeded in moving my hands. 
I found that they had been lying crossed upon my 



78 Four Centuries After 

breast ! Could it be ? The thought which I 
hardly dared to entertain forced itself on me and 
caused the perspiration to start and a sickening 
sensation to come over me. The anguish caused 
by the awful suspicion gave me strength, and I put 
out my right hand. It was arrested above and at 
the sides, and directly above my face it came in 
contact with something, unmistakably glass ! The 
most vivid imagination, assisted by the keenest 
analysis of human emotion, will utterly fail to 
more than fancy the sensation actually experi- 
enced by me when I found beyond a doubt that 
I was in my grave ! — in a casket that would 
hardly permit me to turn over, it was so confining ; 
and here I would have to lie and wait for death 
to come by slow suffocation. Unconsciousness 
again came mercifully to my mental relief." 

Here the speaker (a spare, pale-faced man) 
stopped talking for the first time since he began 
his " entertainment," and drank from his mug of 
beer. We had all been attentive listeners, and 
when he raised his mug we mechanically did like- 
wise, and, until the mugs were returned empty to 
the table, not a word was spoken. Several of the 
party then started to fill and light their pipes, as 
though the speaker of the evening were through 
with his entertainment ; but one who had seemed 
more intensely interested than the others in the 
recital, ventured to ask (as though something 
were wanting* to make the story complete) : "Are 
you going to leave yourself there in the grave, or 
are you devising some means of getting out ? " 



Four Centuries After 79 

Without sharing in the smile, that this query- 
called forth from the other members of the party, 
our " grave " friend took up the thread of his nar- 
rative as though it had never been broken. 

" And now, gentlemen, comes the strangest part 
of the experience. I was afterward told that on 
the day I ventured out on the lake, my family, 
noting my absence, on the approach of the storm 
went out in search of me. They found me lying 
unconscious where I had fallen on the beach. 
Brain fever ensued ; and my experience in the 
grave was but the groping of my mind, although 
it seemed as though an actual experience could 
not have been more awfully real." 

Here more beer was called for, and as it was 
being drunk I was urged by all present to relate 
an experience. I, of course, like the champion 
orator, begged to be excused. But my plea was 
of no avail, so I began : 

THEN I PERPETRATE A "Gcntlemen" — and they were 
FISH STORY. g^n attention — " gentlemen, as 

your guest, I feel that I should not betray your 
confidence by asking you to follow me to my 
grave ; therefore, with your permission, I shall 
ask you to go with me on a fishing excursion on 
the St. Lawrence, to assist me in landing the 
largest fish I ever caught." 

" We are with you ! " they rejoined, as of one 
voice. 

" I had long thought to make my record as a 
skilled fisherman, so on a promising morning a 
few summers since I started out with the firm 



8o Four Centuries After 

resolution that I would hang out till I caught a 
fish that would be the talk of the season, even 
though I had to miss my dinner in so doing. 
During the fore part of the day I met with fair 
success ; that is, I had several glorious strikes, 
till along toward noon I felt a tug that warned 
me to prepare for a battle ; I had hooked game, 
and for the next half-hour I had my skill as an 
angler thoroughly tested. Finally I got my fish 
alongside the boat, and was on the point of gaff- 
ing him when there was a violent commotion in 
the water, a vicious yank at the line, a confused 
picture of a monster fish that was making, while 
you could say ' scat ! ' every motion a fish ever 
made in or out of water, and then I reeled in my 
line very easily. My fish had taken the bait and 
a few feet of line as a fitting souvenir of his ex- 
ploit. Like a wise fish, he was going prepared 
with evidence of his 'narrow escape,' so as to 
avoid trying the credulity of his fellows." 

Here I stopped talking and raised my mug of 
beer as though I had just come from my grave, 
and was glad to drop the subject. But one of the 
party wouldn't have it so ; he ventured to inquire : 
" Well, what next ? " 

"And now^ gentlemen," I resumed, as I turned 
my gaze toward the ' grave ' entertainer, " comes 
the strangest part of the experience. You all may 
know that it wants a deal of courage to keep a 
resolution on an empty stomach. When I fairly 
recovered from my surprise and chagrin at the 
abrupt exit of my fish, I was forcibly reminded 



Four Centuries After 8i 

that my stomach was empty — as empty as my fish- 
box ; and my resolution to * hang out ' was sUpping 
away from me. At this moment, while the con- 
test for supremacy between ray stomach and reso- 
lution was still undecided, Chisamore Trickey, 
well known for his success as a fisherman and his 
partiality for the truth, came alongside my boat, 
and, as though to tantalize me, held up as fine a 
specimen of muskallonge as I ever saw. I saw my 
way out at once ; I saw that I wouldn't have to 
resort to a trance. I knew that, beside his love 
for brandy and the truth, Chisamore had a craving 
for the mighty dollar ; so I at once began to ne- 
gotiate for the fish, and after considerable chaff- 
ing I got him. I took him home, and by a judi- 
cious course of treatment with a few pounds of 
shot, I induced him to tip the scales at twenty- 
seven pounds and six inches. 

" You may observe, gentlemen, that there is 
nothing novel about my experience. I will say 
that its only claim to novelty — a commendable 
one, indeed — lies in the fact that // is literally trite 
in every detail." 

They all seemed to see the moral my narrative 
pointed, and I was voted a skilled angler and 
the prize liar of the evening — that I deserved a 
place alongside the Seven-string Liar of the Greeks. 

XII 

THE ACTIVITY OF THE We saw au cxciting dog con- 

EUROPEAN DOG. |-gsj. to-day, and it occurred to me 

that we ought to be authority on many of the 

(6) 



82 Four Centuries After 

leading dog questions of the day. The dog is 
playing a very active and interesting part all 
along our route ; in fact, there appears to be a 
secret understanding with the dogs of Europe 
regarding their attitude toward the Expedition. 
It is a nicely conceived and executed plan that 
every dog shall come out of his respective lair as 
the Expedition goes sweeping by, and bark as 
though the beggars were coming to town, and 
follow for some distance in the wake of the Expe- 
dition, and, in an insinuating way, nip at its un- 
protected legs. A pair of legs protruding from 
the skirts of a coat, clothed from the knees down- 
ward in close-fitting stockings, seem to please the 
fancy of the dogs, one and all. The sensation of 
having a dog snapping at the least-protected part 
of your anatomy, and that part being so acces- 
sible to the dog, causes a sensation not easily de- 
scribed. 

On several occasions the most precocious dogs 
have met with an accident which they have found 
wholesome and instructive. The Expedition has 
procured a small mirror, which is carried in an 
easily accessible pocket. On the approach of a 
dog this mirror is taken in hand and held so that 
a very comprehensive aspect of the receding coun- 
try can be had. Directly the dog comes into the 
background, adding life and animation to the 
picture. When he has reached a point directly in 
the rear of the Expedition and is about to abstract 
a mouthful of veal (or calf) from its legs, some- 
thing, presto-like (faced with a metal heel-plate), 



Four Centuries After 83 

takes him under the chin, not in a " dear, dear 
Jack " caressing way, but with a force that dis- 
turbs the foundation of his teeth. This accident 
invariably defeats the dog's purpose, and he re- 
treats with much less conceit and with his tail at 
half-mast, as though in distress. 

Is man the only reasoning animal? We don't 
recall an instance where a dog returned for a 
second experience. 

What is there about a dog-fight 

THE FOCALIZING PROP- ° ^ 

ERTY OF A DOG CON- that makcs it such a draw ? Who 
TEST. ever knew a small boy who wasn't 

always present at a dog-fight — always ready to 
attend ? If you know of one who would anxiously 
absent himself from such an entertainment, please 
tell us what became of that boy. Did he ever 
think to turn over a stone to find an angle-worm ? 
Later in life, was he ever known to cause the sun 
to stand still for the space of even a moment in 
its nicely directed course ? 

Did you ever notice the precipitous focalization 
of a town-meeting in the event of a dog-fight ? 
How political issues are for the moment lost sight 
of in the all-absorbing question, " Which'll whip ? " 
On such an occasion the spectators soon take sides. 
It may be that in our opinion the dog with the 
stubby tail, small, erect, pointed ears, and a broad 
physiognomy, wearing a look of determination, 
will carry the day. This opinion once formed, 
our sympathies go out at once to this dog, and we 
offer to " bet a dollar " on the result. We are not 
cruel. We would like to see the thing decided 



84 Four Centuries After 

without the shedding of blood. What we are 
interested in is the test of courage, skill, strength, 
and endurance ; and if the question of superiority 
can be determined without a scratch, we go on 
our way with a feeling that we have not outraged 
our sense of propriety, although those who wit- 
nessed the fracas from their house-tops may 
accuse us of having degraded ourselves. 

XIII. 



NO ATTEMPT AT 



We are getting so we speak Ger- 
LEGisLATiNG soBRi- man Qultc flucntly — that is, we can 
say " Ein bier, zwei bier,'' and we 
can even say ^^Drei bier." This is about the ex- 
tent of our vocabulary, but we find it very com- 
prehensive in this section of the country. Speak- 
ing of beer, we are reminded that, so far as we 
can see, there is no attempt made to legislate 
sobriety in this part of Germany ; and if drinking 
beer tends to perdition, the German individually 
acts his own free moral agent. The Expedition 
may occasionally lose sight of the Rhine, in her 
many erratic windings, but it never misses the 
stream of beer, which flows full and steadily by. 
From grain that is grown in the United States, 
the Germans make a beer which they sell for much 
less than it can be bought in the country where it 
is grown. Thus, the Germans (from the man who 
works a day for the munificent sum of from one to 
two marks, to the one receiving a liberal salary) 
are plentifully supplied with beer at a cost a trifle 



Four Centuries After 85 

above that of Croton water ; and yet, you rarely 
see him with " two sheets in the wind," as we 
sailors would describe a man who had lost his 
steerage from the effect of drink. You rarely, 
very rarely, find him when he is so far under the 
influence of beer that he is not the same good- 
natured, broad-faced German, with his same, rather 
indifferent (or barracks) notion of courtesy. 
THE MORAL RESULT In trylug to Tcason out this 

OF UNDUE RESTRAINT, moderatlou, we recall the early 
experience of a boy we were once intimately ac- 
quainted with. We distinctly recall that while the 
jam was on an easily accessible shelf, the constitu- 
tion of this boy called for very little of this aliment ; 
but if the mother of this boy thought it the policy 
of the institution to place the temptation on the top 
shelf, where the use of an unstable high chair had 
to be called into service, the boy's want became 
more urgent : and the more danger there was 
of a fall, the greater the temptation to hazard all. 
If the house became " overrun with mice," making 
it necessary to place the jam under lock and key, 
the boy became very much disturbed in mind. 
The want for that which had been placed out of 
his reach became clamorous — if such a comparison 
were possible, it was more " ever-present " than 
his guardian angel ; and in his play, of a sudden 
he would be seen to stop, while a far-off look came 
in his eye, as though at commune with himself. 
The vision of a preserve-jar passed before his eye, 
and that peculiar kind of ingenuity called at Sun- 
day-school "the Devil," went industriously to work 



86 Foia- Cenhiries After 

devising the ways and means of gratifying the 
boy's longing. When this boy finally got at the jar 
of jam, he forgot the exact quantity of jam his 
stomach would conveniently take care of — in fact, 
he told himself, " Now is my opportunity ! " and he 
loaded up. Not many minutes after he had tied 
the cover back on the jar (with a nicety that made 
it look as though the thing might have just been 
excavated from Pompeii, where it had lain undis- 
turbed for nineteen centuries), his stomach would 
begin to remonstrate with him, and threaten to 
punish him for asking it to digest at one sitting 
jam enough to make a whole pan of tarts. Then 
conscience — whatever that may be in a " boy " — 
would come along to add to theboy's misery. After 
the performance was over, and the orchestra had 
wound up with " the patter, patter, patter of the 
slipper on his breeches," he would try to calmly rea- 
son out the policy of placing the jam under lock 
and key — and he resolved that, when he became the 
father of a bright little boy, he would cultivate 
self-respect in his son by generously allowing him 
some liberties. He would say, as he caressingly 
placed his hand on his son's head, and the light of 
a father's love broke in his eyes : " My son, the 
jam is on the lower shelf ; the jar is provided with 
an automatic self-lifting cover whose mechanism 
you will at once understand and appreciate ; go 
and help thyself : I admire moderation, but have 
little save scorn for a character so weak that it 
allows a stomach to be overloaded with jam." 
As this boy grew up he was very much disap- 



Four Centuries After 87 

pointed to find so many boys, both old and young, 
who seemed not to appreciate that Hberty in which 
he placed so much dependence ; and while he 
strongly disapproves alike of illicit love and illicit 
distilleries, he does not favor — although he may 
not strongly protest against — legislating m'an's 
every act.* 

XIV 

"my DEAR, DEAR Wc havc E maclclntosh which 

wife:" ^g gjjp Qj^ |.]-,g Expedition in the 

event of forced march in the rain. This coat has 
many pockets, some of which are placed in most 
unexpected places, and I have found it a mind- 
straining task to keep the exact location of them 
all. We wore this coat yesterday, and during the 
day I absent-mindedly tucked away a handker- 
chief in some one of its pockets, and at night 
attempted to locate the pocket. I have been sent 
to a closet to get some article from the alleged 
pocket of a woman's dress that was complacently 
hanging on a peg, and have thus had occasion to 
quietly swear ; but the distress this coat gave me, 
the hopes it held out for my perseverance and 
then dashed to the ground, was enough to exas- 
perate a saint. Finally I drew forth from a pocket 
of recent conquest the — no ! it was an old letter. 
My interest was diverted. I unfolded the 
crumpled thing, and, seeking the superscription, 

* Since the above observations were made, the Emperor of 
Germany has attempted to check the flow of beer. 



88 Four Centuries After 

read : " My dear, dear wife : " What could this 
mean ? I had no dear, dear wife : a thought I 
sometimes pleasantly cherished — I had escaped 
the unknown quantity, and was now safely en- 
sconced in bachelorhood. Here I began to think 
intensely — and I rarely keep up this line of effort 
long that I do not ferret out something. It soon 
occurred to me that -I had worn this same coat 
during two wet seasons in New York, and that, 
one day while making a crossing on Lexington 
Avenue, I had picked up an envelopeless letter 
which I hastily tucked away in the first pocket my 
hand reached, intending to scan it as soon as I 
reached my room, in the hope of finding within 
the address of the person to whom it belonged. 
Then it was forgotten ; and now, many months 
after, I again hold the letter before me, and the 
" My dear, dear wife : " nearly caused me to at 
once destroy it; but I reasoned that it was "an 
open letter," and thus public property. I read it, 
and now the thought will come up, " Did the let- 
ter have the desired effect — did the dear, dear wife 
remain faithful ? " I venture to offer it for the 
reader's perusal. It may appeal to more than one 
" dear, dear wife." 

My Dear, Dear Wife : 

You are somewhat surprised at receiving another letter 
from me so soon? It is not alone the fact that every houi- — 
every minute, is increasing the distance dividing us, that 
prompts me to pen this; although this widening breach does, I 
confess, make me feel homesick, which feeling you will still 
hold accountable for the existence of this letter. 



Four Centuries After 



I have just received a business communication from a friend 
of ours vvrherein he casually dropped a remark that set me to 
thinking — a remark that might imply more or less, depending 
very much on the character of the one making it. I say it 
set me to thinking — thinking of my wife, of her love for so- 
ciety, her fondness for the companionship of congenial souls, 
and (I was about to say), alas ! her ignorance of worldly mat- 
ters, and her own moral strength. 

You may say that I am unjust and peevish ; I should rather 
risk your thinking that of me than to quietly ignore the fact 
that you may be threatened by an actual danger of which you, 
in your almost childlike ignorance of the sins of the world, are 
not the least aware. I have no doubt that there are, among 
the men of our acquaintance, and whom we entertain at our 
home, and for whom you have the deepest regard, those who 
will say to themselves that my absence is their opportunity. I 
always look for the good in man, but it is in behalf of self- 
preservation to know of his frailties, and this knowledge 
teaches me that many a man, in whom the public and society 
have the utmost confidence, will privately express the opinion 
that a man's conduct toward a woman should be controlled by 
the pleasure of the woman and not by any prompting of his 
own conscience of what is considered right or wrong. Such 
men, as occasion offers, may attempt to reveal to you a new 
world, or what they may call the real inward condition of so- 
ciety. They will tell you that your early teachings had a pur- 
pose (not unlike the cocoon of the butterfly), which has been 
fulfilled, and its false teachings should now be put aside with 
your nursery rhymes ; that our outward actions are no index 
to our real thoughts and aspirations, but are rather a cloak 
that it is tacitly understood may cover anything. This infor- 
mation will be implied rather than told you in so many words ; 
and as the scheme dawns upon you, your capacity for under- 
standing enigmas will increase until a hint and a gesture may 
be as comprehensive as a volume. At first you will be shocked 
and disappointed, but as the plot (as I shall call it) unfolds, 
you may permit yourself to become in a measure reconciled to 
its seeming unnatural teachings. You will make these con- 



9° Four Centuries After 

cessions out of regard for those in whom you have had implicit 
confidence, and whom you could not think of misleading you 
to gratify personal ends. Fear of betraying your ignorance 
of the world will prevent your seeking counsel from those who 
might set you right : and thus, half in doubt, bewildered by 
the glamour that is thrown about you by those who seek your 
ruin, you drift on. There comes a day when you fly to the 
seclusion of your chamber and seek relief from those beset- 
ting doubts in tears. 

Our taste for sin, like certain dishes on our table, has 
to i)e cultivated to be enjoyed ; there are some people who 
can never acquire a liking for snails, neither can they bring 
themselves to enjoy the fruit of transgression ; they are 
never unconscious of their wrongdoing, and this ever-present 
conscience prevents enjoyment. You, with your delicate sen- 
sibilities and early training, belong to the latter class. No 
matter what others may say, you feel that you have stained 
your character, and you give way to tears. At night you 
start in your sleep, you turn on your pillow, you wake to a 
realization of inexpressible loneliness. 

No ; tears are of no avail — all the tears that have ever 
been shed could not wash away that stain from your con- 
science. Your God may forgive this transgression, your 
husband may condone your violation of the marriage vows, 
but your conscience can never be put at rest. 

You sec. ray dear, I have pictured the possible as having actu- 
ally taken place. I trust it will serve its purpose as a warn- 
ing. Forgive me, and permit me to find, on my return, a few 
months hence, the same pure, loving wife to greet my coming. 

Address me as I instructed in my last letter, and believe me, 

Your ever- loving Husband. 



XV 

BEETHOVEN, SONATA, Lovcrs of music iTiay not recall 

pants! even having heard of Bonn's 

justly celebrated university, while they will have 



Four Cefituries After 91 

no difficulty in associating the name of one of the 
greatest (if not the greatest) composers of our 
age (the one who has been characterized as " the 
Shakespeare of music ") with this small Rhineland 
city. It is the birthplace of Beethoven. 
MORE AUTOBioG- ^ ^m " passionatcly " fond of 

RAPHY. music, as the girl just home from 

the conservatory would declare. My first happy 
recollections as a child are associated with pleas- 
ing combinations of sound, whether accidentally 
performed or otherwise ; and of a summer afternoon 
I would often lie for hours in the shade of an old 
birch on the. banks of a creek, listening to the 
tinkling of passing water and speculating on the 
mathematical relations of sound. I became " pre- 
cocious " on a jews'-harp at a very immature age. 
My extemporaneous compositions on this instru- 
ment were not so limited in design and feeble 
in construction as usually characterizes the pro- 
duction of a rural genius — they were, in effect, 
alternately stirring and soothing ; and when 
threatened by the mob, I would play something 
soft and tranquillizing which would be almost 
"Orpheus-like" in its influence on my listeners ; 
and thus by mere force of genius I would tide over 
my threatened extermination. I was graduated 
from the harp to the mouth-organ, on which I was 
soon able to execute " Home, Sweet Home," with 
all her many intricate variations of domestic felic- 
ity and broken hearth-stones, throwing tremolo on 
and off at will, and all this with one hand in my 
pocket. Here I again escaped the vigilant com- 



92 Fom' Centuries After 

mittee ; and later in life, when that epoch arrived 
which is heralded by a painful consciousness that 
we have hands and feet with no use for them, or 
a place to stow them while passing through the 
ordeal of the drawing-room — at that critical time 
when the boy is harassed with a vague yearning 
for the society of Hank's sister, but perversely 
keeps shy of her — at this never-to-be-forgotten 
time in my life, I took to the guitar ; and long, 
long after the chickens had gone to roost, I would 
sit and pluck its strings and pour forth my pent-up 
feelings to the "inconstant moon" until she was 
glad to dodge behind the first cloud that came 
along. 

The fear that the reader might think I had acci- 
dentally stumbled on Beethoven in my Baedeker 
has betrayed me into offering this bit of autobiog- 
raphy, which I should much prefer to have left to 
my paid biographer. I believe this feeling of 
delicacy in referring to one's self is pretty general 
with great men — and I feel that I should sustain 
the reputed modesty of greatness. Furthermore, 
my book on etiquette (price ten cents) tells me that 
it is not in good form to refer to one's self so long 
as one has forbearing neighbors to be analyzed. 

Years ago, when my discovery of Europe was 
far in the perspective, I had promised myself that 
if ever I visited Bonn I would make a critical 
study of her acoustic properties, vital statistics, 
etc., and, with these data, endeavor to account for 
her having produced a Beethoven. This promise 
was about to be fulfilled. 



Four Centuries After 93 

The Expedition tramped into town by what 
appeared to be the most direct street, and had not 
proceeded far when we came to a small square or 
recess formed by the Cathedral and the hard walls 
of adjoining buildings. In the centre of this sun- 
less place stood a bronze statue, a fascinating 
young woman and (as a conversation disclosed) 
her mother, and a little way to one side posed a 
German officer, dressed in an excruciatingly close- 
fitting uniform. Evidently this man when pro- 
moted had metaphorically stepped into his prede- 
cessor's clothes, although literally he had gotten 
into them with the assistance of a glove stretcher 
and a shoe-horn. Every detail of his anatomy, 
and what not (as the professor would say), stood 
out in bold relief, and with a fidelity that was 
startling and apprehensive — particularly was this 
noticeable in his lower extremities. At a respect- 
ful distance from this group of bronze and flesh, 
the Great Explorer stopped and, striking an atti- 
tude, soliloquized: "At last, we realize one of 
the long-cherished occasions of a lifetime — we 
are at the home of Beethoven ! " Then we men- 
tally reviewed his life — a life how strangely un- 
happy ! 

Of an exquisitely sensitive nature, the early 
knowledge that he was losing his sense of hearing 
(of all the senses to him the most precious) tended 
to embitter his future life. It must have been a 
heartrending shock, the first knowledge that all 
earthly sounds were gradually but surely dying 
to him, until even the throbbing of his own im- 



94 Four Centuries After 

mortal symphonies broke silently on his ear like 
waves on the shore of an imaginary world ; and 
again we hear in one of his sonatas the pleading 
of a tender love, the boundless, unrequited yearn- 
ing of a soul. 

Such was the rapt contemplation of the Great 
Explorer as he stood in that little square in Bonn 
containing the statue of the great composer, and 
this is about the quality of emotion that should 
thrill every spectator who has a soul and has — 
attended the Grand Opera. While he was thus 
still under the rapt spell of the occasion, the fol- 
lowing dialogue broke upon his delicately tuned 
ear : 

" Why, mother, you don't recollect Beethoven, 
the great composer ? " 

Mother : " I recollect the name, but couldn't 
have told whether he was a great composer or a 
reformer — I depend on you for my memory, you 
know." 

Daughter : " Yes, but it was only four days 
ago, while in Vienna, that you listened to one of 
his symphonies. Don't you recollect making the 
remark that it seemed as if both the music and 
musicians were going crazy ? " 

At this juncture of the conversation, the officer, 
who had been standing near without being ob- 
served by the ladies, turned and walked down the 
square. The young lady saw him, and at once 
manifested a lively interest in his get-up. Bring- 
ing her face near her mother's ear, she exclaimed, 
in a slightly elevated voice, or " stage whisper " : 



Four Centuries After 95 

'* Oh, mother, do look at the fit of that man's 
pants ! " 

Pants ! This broke the spell that held the 
Great Discoverer almost entranced to the spot, and 
brought him back to the stern realization that this 
world is not a symphony. Beethoven, Sonata, 
pants ! ! ! 

Is it a greater crime for a young, beautiful, 
spiritual-faced lady to be detected in the act of 
chewing gum in public than for her to be over- 
heard referring to a man's " pants " ? 

After all, was not Beethoven's infirmity benefi- 
cent ? He must have felt the thrill of music — 
have fully appreciated the regulation and propor- 
tions of sound after his physical defect had re- 
sulted in entire deafness : to this his late compo- 
sitions attest. On . the other hand, this same 
infirmity was a safeguard against the shock which 
one of his admirers had just sustained. Imagine, 
if you can, Beethoven, with his hearing unimpaired, 
in the seclusion of his villa adjoining the Imperial 
gardens of Schonbrunn, rapt in the composition of 
his oratorio, the " Mount of Olives." Save for a 
gentle breeze which goes rustling through his leaf- 
embowered retreat, nature is hushed as though 
fearful. of breaking the spell that is weaving those 
immortal strains. Of a sudden an American tour- 
ist — maybe a woman with the face of a Madonna 
— unannounced, invades this sacred seclusion and 
starts the air to vibrating with the ejaculation, 
" Pants ! " I know it is sacrilegious to call up 
such a picture. 



96 Four Centuries After 

XVI 

EUROPEAN " iLLUMi- At uight, whcH alonc in my 
NATION." room trying to record the events 

of the day in my log — condition of the highway, 
our latitude and longitude, discoveries in the local 
flora and fauna, synopsis of our interview with 
the Ju Ju men, etc.— as the shadows begin to flicker 
about the room, and on my paper, I fall to won- 
dering if I am not really back in the Dark Ages. 
At least, the light of the nineteenth century rarely 
penetrates the darkness of my room. There is a 
vain attempt to dissipate this darkness with one 
solitary ghastly candle, apprehensively short at 
both ends. If I increase the number of candles 
I but multiply the shadows, which are rendered 
little thinner by the arithmetical operation. When 
I see several shadows of myself on the wall I begin 
to feel skittish and doubt my ocular accuracy. 
One shadow may be company, but two or more are 
a crowd — a crowd automatically following my 
movements as though I had mesmerized the whole 
lot. This is exasperating ; and I extinguish all 
but one candle, and at the same time dispel all 
save one of my shadows. 
THE CANDLE AS A ^hat vlvldly real painting by 

SHADOW-MAKER. Gcrard Dow, called " Evening 
School," was doubtless inspired by the flickering 
candle-light with which his life was illuminated ; 
and the painting remains a fitting commentary on 
the deep, noisome shade of the mediaeval age, 
which had hardly begun to lift at the time the 



Four Centuries After 97 

painting was executed. I now make it my first 
duty on reaching my room at night to take an 
inventory of the candle — estimate the duration of 
its brief, solitary life. It is always short, ofttimes 
much shorter, but always costs from two to five 
cents per night, regardless of length. When the 
inventory is completed, I sit down and begin to 
write. When fairly on the scent of some fleeting 
fancy started up by recalling the events of the 
day, the shadows begin to deepen and dance 
about the room. The lithograph of a mediaeval 
ruler looks down from his frame on the wall, and, 
with a voice muflled with age and cobwebs, re- 
marks : " Ah ha ! " The Madonna wears the 
same expression of resigned fortitude ; even the 
angels who are wont to hover about me cast a 
shadow ; and the hand that is groping about with 
the pen, in an effort to render thought immortal, 
casts a shadow deeper than the thought itself ; 
sometimes, though, the thought casts a shadow. 
Presently from the direction of the so-called illu- 
minant I hear a splutter and a splurge, not unlike 
that of the fretful frying pork (forgive the shock, 
my poetical friend). If I snuff it, I may briefly 
prolong this dawn of darkness. Now, to snuff a 
candle with thin-skinned fingers, and not use pro- 
fanity or any other domestic appliance, requires 
a dexterity that does not come with a life bright- 
ened by kerosene, gas, and electricity — unlike the 
poetic inspiration, the art of plucking the cal- 
cined wick from a burning candle must be acquired. 
I have acquired the art. How well I recall my 



98 Four Centuries After 

first experience ! On that occasion I made a 
round, graceful, full-armed movement (Delsarte 
style), and inserted the thumb and index finger of 
my right hand into the blazing candle.* 

Having done this, I bethought me what to do 
next. This was a critical moment, and required 
great presence of mind and an abiding faith that 
could enter a burning furnace and not be scorched 
beyond identification. I had supposed that I pos- 
sessed all of these virtues. This moth-simplicity 
— the " briars " to my intelligent researches in 
physics — was "burnt away." After having thor- 
oughly reviewed the ways and means, I came to 
the conclusion that it would be proper, under the 
circumstances, to grasp the calcined wick and 
take a direct and expeditious route out. Having 
decided on this line of action, I lost no time in 
executing it. The finishing touch was done with 
considerable animation, while a few well-chosen 
observations on the darkness of the age were ex- 
temporized in unstudied rhetoric. In my desire 
to perform a radical operation on the candle, I 
overreached and took hold of the unburned wick. 
NOT '^To BE coNTiN- Ou thc followlug momiug I 
UED IN OUR NEXT." discovcrcd that I had brought 
away candle and all, and the snap I gave my fin- 
gers, by way of emphasis, had distributed tallow 

* I have since learned that when the operator has fairly got 
his thumb and finger into the fire, about 99 per cent, of the 
necessary time it takes to snuff a candle has been consumed. 
This fact will always demonstrate itself if the performer has a 
stop-watch at hand. 



Four Centuries After 99 

to the four quarters of the room (I was about to 
say the globe), lending it the appearance of a tal- 
low factory ; and the exposed pages of our jour- 
nal were rendered thereby transparent, as though 
prepared for copying. They never took kindly to 
ink after this treatment. By close application I can 
make out the few last lines I penned prior to my 
exploit with the candle. It is exceedingly inter- 
esting in this, that it leaves us uncertain as to what 
the denouement would have been had not darkness 
dropped, curtain-like, so untimely. 

" The Expedition has now reached Darkest Eu- 
rope. Oh, how much these poor, neglected beings 
need light ! If we but had a search-light of a thou- 
sand fat candles power, how we would make the bats 
and small (yet more active and energetic) fauna 
hustle ! Last night we were rudely awakened in 
the dead of night from a most blissful dream of 
home and the folks. The faces that clustered 
about the old hearth-stone (not the old warped 
stove this time) shone brighter than the polished 
surface of the brass andiron. We were, indeed, 
very happy ! At this supreme moment of domes- 
tic bliss, I felt something tickle me in the ribs. 
Suspecting my mischievous sister, I turned with 
the intention of catching her in the act and draw- 
ing her across my knee. This attempted change 
of position dissipated the vision, and I opened my 
eyes on profound darkness. The tickling in my 
ribs, however, did not vanish with my dream — this 
sensation, alas ! was real. Under cover of the 
night, had some one stolen into my room to rob 



Four Centuries After 



me of my good name, my loose change, and other 
trinkets ? The thought was horrifying ! I turned 
down the covering and instituted a thorough ex- 
ploration. What was my consternation to — I'll 
have to snuff this infernal candle before I can 
proceed with this exciting narrative ! " . 

Here was an untimely break in the records of 
that day, which, owing to the misapplication of 
grease, was never mended. I am sorry, as I have 
become very curious to know what it was that 
tickled the sleeper from out an enjoyable dream 
to painful reality. But I promise to record the 
whole transaction next time, dream and all. 

XVII 

I LOVE TO ROVE ABOUT I aui vcry fottd of dreaming. 
IN DREAMLAND. ^}^g Q^ly Way I Can account for 
this partiality is that dreams do not follow the 
set conventional lines that control our real ac- 
tions. It may be needless to add that I love free- 
dom of thought and action — thus I resort to airy 
dreams. You may have observed that we rarely 
attempt to jump from a balloon, without the sus- 
taining help of a parachute, while awake and in full 
possession of our knowledge^of cause and effect ; 
but such a feat is quite practicable with the sleeper, 
for the reason that he leaves off dreaming while 
in mid-air. This arrangement permits us to enjoy 
the exhilarating sensation of falling, without the 
unpleasant demoralizing effect of having a fall of 
several thousand feet arrested by this tangible,; 



Four Centuries After 



resisting earth. A man can't even get married 
and unmarried with quite the same facility while 
awake that he may in dreamland — recent cases in 
South Dakota excepted. 

XVIII 

THE LAST GUEST OF Ou the cvcning of November 

THE SEASON. \TyX\x wc Tcachcd Rolandseck and 

put up at the hotel by that name. It would seem 
that I am the only guest — the last leaf of the sea- 
son ; and as I sit alone in a long, lofty hall, warming 
the legs of the Expedition by the fire in an open 
grate, " I feel like one who's left alone in some 
banquet hall deserted," etc. But I make away with 
a tenacious beefsteak (evidently a remnant of the 
past season, the tenacity of which remnant ac- 
counts for its having been left over), and then 
ask to be shown to my room. This room, I 
find, overlooks the river, which flows closely by. 
Out in the stream, hardly more than a stone's 
throw from where I sit, I see the Convent of Non- 
nenwerth, where the beautiful Hildegard took the 
veil. This is the signal for me to review in my 
memory the legends of the river flowing so peace- 
fully by. It was late when I crawled into bed, 
with the misgivings that the steak revolving in my 
stomach had betrayed my confidence in a meat 
diet : but the thoughts and fancies of the day 
were soon lost in that mysterious realm of night 
called sleep. 



Four Centuries After. 



XIX 
He was again by the river. By 

"it was a dream." . 

his side there walked a maiden 
whose hair was flaxen and whose eyes were blue. 
They watched the clouds go drifting by, and lis- 
tened to the lapping of the water at their feet. 
They plucked the petals from the opening bud, 
and talked philosophy — how much there is of 
good in life, the means by which attained. 



" And it shall be a union of the mind alone. 
Hand in hand, our every act shall be an effort to 
rise above the grosser life, so that when the time 
shall come we may put aside this life as though it 
were a garment, and from this to the beyond shall 
be but as a step." 

Again, with footsteps sad and slow, they walk 
the river's brink. Eyes tear-bedimmed, and sor- 
row in her voice, she speaks : 

" Is this the upward path we vowed to tread, a 
life of noble deeds to reach ? " 

To this the man (who was not so entirely filled 
with as lofty thoughts and aspirations as his gentle 
companion) rejoined : 

"It thus hath been, and ever shall be. Try as 
you may, you rise but to fall again. 'Twas never 
intended that man should fly, and as your ideal 
can ne'er be reached by mortal feet, you're 
doomed to disappointment." 



Four Centuries After. 103 



She : "Enough ! Henceforth we walk apart." 
And as she spoke she turned away. 

To be thus abruptly forsaken was too much for 
the sleeper, and he awoke. He was " rather fa- 
tigued with his night's rest," as the old lady who 
" enjoyed poor health " would express it. Inves- 
tigation showed that the resentful beefsteak he ate 
the evening before was the cause of his disturbed 
sleep. 

XX 

"RUINS" RUINED Bv ^c havc to rcport that Messrs. 
RESTORATION OR Thomas Cook & Son are not 
NEGLECT. keeping up their ruined castles 

along the Rhine as per contract. Some are so 
badly "ruined" that they have to be placarded to 
avoid being mistaken for the work of cave dwell- 
ers, or a land-slide, while others are "restored" to 
a degree that has wholly deprived them of their 
former picturesqueness. We looked for some 
time to find a ruin that filled our expectation of 
one ; then the Expedition posed therein, while a 
young German " pressed the button." When we 
came to develop the coveted exposure, we found 
a most perfect likeness of the zenith, with a small 
fragment of ruin in the foreground as though it 
were just dropped from the heavens. The opera- 
tor had left the Expedition out in the cold, cold 
world. It was very fortunate for this young Ger- 
man that we developed the result of his kind office 
about six months after the day he officiated, and 
at a distance of several thousand miles, else he 



I04 Foiir Centuries After 

might have heard something to his disadvantage 
— observations on liis stupidity in dislocating the 
objective point, or mistaking our purpose. 
THE CAMERA AS A However, we have a picture 

METAMORPHosER. that includcs one -half of a ruin, 
the right ear of the Expedition, and our tourist 
bag — quite enough to identify us with the ruin: — 
as our ear and tourist bag are of peculiar work- 
manship, and our ear-mark is registered. Refer- 
ring to our camera, we will take occasion to praise 
its work. An explorer should not prowl about 
without one of those dear little exaggerators ; and, 
in fact, you rarely see a tourist nowadays without 
one — it is the tourist's badge. We have a collec- 
tion of photographs that speaks in unqualified 
praise of the camera as a metamorphoser. We 
have a Holstein cow we got up in Holland. She 
is built on the telescope principle — that is, she has 
been shoved together so that her length over all 
is about the same as her beam. This is for con- 
venience in transportation ; an economist would 
at once see and admire her compactness, although 
an artist might not like her as a "cow study" 
while in her telescoped condition. 
HER FEET VERY MUCH Wc also havc the exposure of 
IN THE FOREGROUND, a Grctchen, whom we detected 
reclining gracefully (as though just on purpose), 
and, the sun being right, we deftly took her in — 
our little camera. We see her now — not with our 
mind's eye (which would have been much more 
complimentary), but in an unflattering photo. 
Her feet are toward the observer ; ah, how they 



Four Centuries After 105 

have grown within six months ! Evidently, they 
were not designed for transportation. 

We. have one perfect little picture of the Expe- 
dition, though ; it represents us as standing con- 
templatively viewing distant mist-wreathed moun- 
tains, but the camera made a mistake this time, as 
in reality we are looking beyond into the past. 
There is a smile playing about our mouth, although 
you can't see it, standing at a distance as we do ; 
but the smile is there "just the same," as we 
recall circumstances. 
THE WANT OF TASTE Thc most pcrfcct thing about 

IN CLASSIFYING. ^ ^^^^^ jg j^g Qutfit for taklug tin- 
types. In one well-appointed ruin they had a 
goat, with a goatee, and a mild-eyed gazelle. 
These were a part of the stage fittings. They 
begged to take a half-dozen tin-types of the Expe- 
dition in the society of the goatee, although the 
gazelle looked beseechingly up into our face all 
the while. This was too much ; it showed only 
too well how destitute they were of artistic taste 
or the crudest notion of the iitness of things, and 
we indignantly declined their proposition and 
walked away with our most effective haughty 
air, which is very crushing in its operations. 

If you have friends "doing" 

'^ what's in a 

NAME?" FoaND Europc, and wish to find them, 
CARVED ON A VENER- yQu should first consult the hotel 

ABLE RUIN. . , , . r -1 . 

register ; then do not tail to ex- 
amine the walls of the principal ruins. There you 
are sure to find their names, and the date of their 
advent ; that is, of course, assuming that they are 



io6 Four Centuries After 

Americans. Don't be discouraged by the ever- 
present notice telling the visitor he may not dis- 
figure the ruins ; such a notice acts as a stimulant 
on the vandalish propensities of the American, 
and he aspires to place his name higher than all 
the rest, though it causes a " stitch " in his back. 
I would respectfully ask, "What's in a name?" 
that has been carved on some venerable ruin by 
the eccentric vanity of an American tourist. I 
once heard a fellow (yes, fellow) enumerate the 
places about the world whereon he had carved his 
name. He even contemplated desecrating the 
Holy Sepulchre, and boasted that he would have 
left his name thereon had the place been less pro- 
tected by the followers of Christ and Mahomet. 

The Great Explorer has not allowed the Expedi- 
tion to make one scratch toward immortalizing its 
conquests in the Old Country. He intends to leave 
laudation to posterity. This may put posterity to 
a slight expense, but it will be something toward 
preserving those ruins which are the principal 
source of revenue to the country containing them. 
There are usually three meth- 

METHODS OF REACH- •' 

iNG AN ASPIRING ods at thc dlsposal of the tour- 
''"™' ist in reaching a well-equipped 

castle ; namely, by tramway, by a little donkey, 
and on foot. The Expedition always chooses to 
walk. Steam renders climbing too easy to be 
enjoyed. If you would fully appreciate an aspir- 
ing ruin, you should reach it by an exercise of 
your own muscle. Of course, the dignity of the 
Expedition forbids our riding the humble little 



Four Centuries After 107 

donkey at the disposal of the tourist. Again, 
there is something besides dignity that leads us to 
decline the office of a donkey. The legs of the 
Expedition do not remain folded up with the same 
facility as does a pocket-rule, and as said legs are 
much longer than the legs of a donkey, they trail 
along the ground and become worn and soiled. 
OUR KNIGHTLY SPELLS Thc cxpcdltion huuts up the 
IN DREAMLAND. lowcr cnd of a bridle-path — over 
which, by the way, the pale light of the honey- 
moon is not always shed as a gentle inspiration to 
climb — then we follow its many windings until we 
quietly reach the castle, as though about to take 
it by stealth. Then we point our camera out of a 
turret, while we imagine we are some feudal lord 
red-hot for a feud. When we have humored this 
fancy for a time, we swoop down on the common 
people in the low-lying country and — pay for 
something to eat ! We pay for what we get as a 
matter of policy, as we fear that, should we wrest 
our grub from the people, as we are tempted to 
do to render the illusion effective, we might meet 
with a resistance not easily overcome ; in a word, 
we might meet with a " nausty " defeat, a defeat that 
would not further the knightly spell which nightly 
has recourse to the broad domain of dreamland, 
and o'er which, up to date, Billy Hohenzollern has 
not gained dominion ; his present attitude looks 
threatening, however. If King William should 
extend his sway over dreamland, I fear he would 
strip us of our knightly arms, and take possibly 
even our legs, our pinions, and pluck some of the 



Four Centuries After 



quills from our opinions — which opinions might be 
found somewhat odious to the old school of kings. 

XXI 

"perfectly exqui- While crossing the'River Rhine 
site!" by ferry to-day, a young lady 

passenger called the attention of the Expedition to 
herself (quite unintentionally, doubtless), by ex- 
claiming in pure Columbian, " Perfectly exqui- 
site ! " This caused the Expedition to prick up its 
ears and look the field over to see if the young 
lady really had any provocation for using such 
extravagant means. At the time there was noth- 
ing within our horizon .that struck us as being 
more excruciatingly delicate than another, so we 
waited for her to bubble over again. We hadn't 
long to wait. She began to show uneasiness ; 
then, as a tremor passed over her slight frame, 
she asked, as though addressing the Deity : " Could 
there be anything more exquisite ? " In our trans- 
port we felt like saying : " No, my dear little thing, 
no ! You are more exquisite (or exquisitor) than 
anything else in heaven or earth ! " We didn't 
say this, though ; we rarely give way to benevo- 
lent impulses save when asked for alms, as some 
one has remarked that it isn't in good form to do 
so, unless some one steps on your corn. We sat 
perfectly still and waited for further development. 
The young lady relapsed into a momentary quiet ; 
then she bobbed up again with the suddenness of 
a " jack-in-the-box," and announced that, in her 
opinion, something else was "exquisite." . And so 



Four Centuries After 109 

she ran on until she had thoroughly canvassed the 
grounds and found that everything — the ferry, the 
ruin, the mountain, the castle, the heaven and the 
earth, and all that there be in them, were " exqui- 
site ! " in a greater or less degree. 

As we reached the shore and turned to walk 
away, this bundle of exquisitely sensitive fibre 
passed into another paroxysm. But it was im- 
possible to resist the exalting influence of this 
effervescing youth, which felt so keenly and ex- 
pressed itself so extravagantly — call her back ! 

XXII 

THE LAMB AND HIS At Boppard thc Expedition had 

FLEECE. another large summer hotel, ZTf?/^/ 

Bellevue, all to itself. How haughty it made us 
feel to have a whole retinue of servants at our 
beck and nod — and how those menials did bend 
and scrape and give us their undivided attention 
— they having no one else to bestow it on. Later 
we saw another side to all this, when it came to 
passing out the fees — to fee every servant in a 
large hotel : and we at first thought of engaging 
the services of a paying-teller. I couldn't help re- 
calling the miserable fate of a lamb which had to 
furnish wool for a whole community. 

XXIII 

^K.^^.o... „„ We find that the Seven Sisters 

AN HONORABLE PUR- 
POSE " AND A CAN OF wlio suffcrcd petrification as a 

NiTHo-GLvcERiNE. p^j^ighmeut for coquctry are pass- 
ing through another ordeal. Believing the Lurlei's 



Four Centuries After 



punishment of not sufificient warning to tlie way- 
ward sirens of to-day, man (man of masculine 
gender) has set about annihilating them -with 
nitro-glycerine. Why not advise the ardent 
youth of to-day to start out with an " honorable 
purpose " in one hand, and a can of nitro-glycerine 
in the other ? With such an equipment he could 
take the leading role in a play with a minimum of 
acts and scenes in it ; and would always have for 
immediate use in an emergency the means by 
which to bring about a climax with calcium light 
and sky rockets combined. A young man thus 
provided could approach the object of his devo- 
tion with some degree of assurance and very little 
pocket money. No patent applied for. 

XXIV 

A LETTER FROM At Bingen-ou-t hc" Rhiuc, I re- 

HANK. ceived a packet of letters, among 

which I found one bearing the postmark of " Kal- 
amazoo, Mich., U. S. A.", and a superscription in 
which I at once recognized the peculiar writing of 
Hank Smith. 

Yes, Hank's writing still retained its initial 
peculiarities — its compound curves, its hoop-skirts 
(as we used to call the complements to the capitals), 
and the delicate shading indiscriminately on both 
the shady and sunny sides of his letters — there 
was no doubt that this letter was from Hank. 

Hank and I grew up in the 

HANK AND I. . 

same town, swam m the same 
hole, jointly organized expeditions to neighboring 



Four Centuries After 



fruit orchards, alike avoided school, on Sunday 
and week days, often occupied the same bed and 
ate from the same " trough " — in a word, we were 
churns ; and for a time after the pretence at school 
(where we promised each other that we would 
individually do something to bring our names to 
the notice of the world even if we had to resort 
to the ignoble lines of getting immensely wealthy) 
we watched each other's career with that interest 
which comes naturally with such early associa- 
tions. But neither seemed in a way to commit 
some daring crime or perform some brilliant piece 
of heroism to bring his name to the front ; so, for 
want of nourishment, our interest in each other 
languished. Hank moved west to the celery dis- 
trict of Michigan : a soil, he playfully said, that 
could supply the world with celery, ought to nour- 
ish genius ; and in the thrifty West, fame or 
notoriety was more liable to come unsought with 
the rapid passage of events. So we drifted apart, 
and, as men, had lost sight of each other — or rather 
I had lost track of Hank, but his letter shows 
that he had " kept an eye on me." 

Its perusal cheered me up wonderfully ; and it 
offered a favorable opportunity, in replying, to 
place myself in my true light before a friend, if 
not the world. The letter ran as follows : 

Ho, ho, friend Benjamin, I have found 

hank's lament. , c ,1 ,. 

you out ! bo you thought to sup unob- 
served across the sea, commit some outrage, languish for a sea- 
son in some donjon keep (or some such romantic place where 
they " keep " offenders against the law), get our consul to inter- 



Four Centuries After 



cede for you, and thus get extensively in the morning' papers ; 
then come home, sit down, and, with a guide-book at one hand 
and your spelling7book at the other, wantonly, without just 
provocation, write a book on travel. 

And has it come to this pass ? Are you thus desperate ? 
Why did you not commit suicide ? You could have died with 
the blessed assurance that you had called the world's attention 
to yourself for the space of a day or so, at least. Think of 
two or three millions of people reading your brief and simple 
biography as in one voice some auspicious morning ! If the 
thing were properly arranged and executed, you might elicit 
an " Extra ! " When a man is dead we are disposed to rake 
around pretty industriously for his virtues, although his stock 
may have been low and he have died at the hands of an 
ofScial hangman. I understand that it takes all the possible 
good deeds of a long life to cover a small tablet marking the 
resting-place of some of Westminster's "' illustrious dead." 
This doubtless resulted from a want of regard for the taste 
they were to leave in the mouth of the public after they were 
gone — they could have made a s-howing if they had tried, and 
so can you if you tiy. 

Now, Benjamin, don"t mar the sentiment that will mark 
your last resting-place with the statement that you were author 
of a book on travel. Anything but that : write an enthusias- 
tic treatise on Skunk Farming, or on Dog Meat as Human 
Food, or write " The Biography of a vShrimp.'" 

I should say more, but want to get this into the post at 
once, so it will be sure to head you off. I should have written 
before you sailed, but didn't discover your intended flight 
until just this moment — too late to reach you with a letter in 
this country. I shall expect to hear from you at once on your 
receiving tins — possibly you may be able to explain your con- 
duct. In the meantime, I am the same 

Hank 

P. S. — You recollect Bill Sykes. who, on account of his 
size, always used to be " Snapper" when we played " Crack 
the whip " ? Well, I met him the other day ; he has grown to 



Four Centuries After 



be a polished man of some political note in his locality. You 
can never be sure how a boy will iurn out when he reaches 
manhood. You know we thought he would never be of 
greater use than that which we put him to while at school. 
This discovery look me down a peg or two, and calls to mind 
what you used to say about the uncertainty of what a boy will 
make as a man : " It's easier to point out the young drake than 
to distinguish the fool from the genius." 

The Same Hank. 

I at once sat down and penned the following 
incoherent letter, which, as an example of what 
one will say on the spur of the moment, makes in- 
teresting reading for sober moments : 

(It occurs to me that some exacting reader may 
deem these letters out of place in a serious work 
like this, so I will state that my reason for insert- 
ing them is that I find the body of this book does 
not quite fit the covers I had designed for its 
reception — and as a sort of limitation to my "say," 
On making this discovery I scratched my head 
thoughtfully, when the thought of wedging in 
these letters came to my mind. Great head ?) 



XXV 

Bingen-on-the-Rhine, Germany, 

November l']fh, iS — . 



LETTER ' 
HANK. 



Dear Hank : Your letter addressed 
to me at this place just reached my hand. 
You can't know what pleasure a letter 
addressed to me in the wilds of Europe — and written by you 

S 



114 Four Centuries After 



I YEARN TO WRITE 
" POETRY," BUT — ! 



of all human beings— affords me, notwithslanding the scathing 
rebuke it bears ; which rebuke may have been considered 
ever so deserving, but is really unjust. 

Yes, I will own that I have had some 

SOMETIME I WOULD • ,1, , , r •.• i. 1 ^ 

serious thoughts of writing a book, to 

FATHER MY THOUGHTS. rr 

which I should affix my own name. You 
know I have launched several fledgling thoughts on the 
world over fictitious names, but you may not know that I have 
always had an abiding hope that some day I might have the 
courage to step boldly forth and father some of my numerous 
metaphorical offspring. 

You know that my natural bent is 
poetry — that I was ordained by a Higher 
Power to be a poet. You will recollect 
how some seemingly insignificant occasion used to agitate the 
spirit of poetry in me, and that the resulting stanzas were not 
only an anodyne, but were a sure cure for hardening of the 
heart — would soften the most callous criminal until quite re- 
signed to die violently. You may not have watched the mar- 
ket quotations lately, so I'll tell you that my early medium of 
expression — poetry (?) — has hardly a market value. Managers 
of some periodicals (ready to take advantage of a weak point 
in their fellow-men) even charge for space occupied by so-called 
poetry, with a fair prospect of reaching wealth by a short cut. 
Yes, Hank ; poetry (particularly whole volumes of it) is the 
most difficult product, possibly excepting the Rutabaga turnip, 
to hoist on the market. 

NOTORIETY IS FAME ^ "^^""^ thought to couccal my real 

OF A DOUBTFUL purposc in attractive covers and a mislead- 

CHARACTER. j^g title, get the reader thoroughly inter- 

ested in some leading problem of the day ; then — the reader 
thoroughly beguiled — like the boy who set the pail of water 
above the door for the other boy to receive when he came 
through, to deluge him with diluted poetry. I reasoned that 
the ingenuity of this scheme at least would bring me notoriety, 
if not fame ; and is not notoriety simply fame of a doubtful 
character? If not, who will presume to point the line of 
demarcation ? 



Four Centuries After i f 5 



GAINED A HEARING BY ^ Understand that some of our well- 
BRAYiNG IN HIGH c— kuowti (or much known) authors have 

WHY I HUSH MY gained a hearing by braying in high C, 

CAROL. Qj. i^y some like extraordinary performance 

which spoke nothing of literary ability. But my better, no- 
bier nature conquers ! I will not come before the public in a 
mean disguise, at least. However, to speak frankly, there are 
other influences than that of a mercenary nature which influ- 
enced me in hushing my carol : Macaulay says, " As civiliza- 
tion advances, poetry almost necessarily declines " ; and I see 
that an eminent French critic (Jules Lemaitre) predicts that 
poets and poetry will be extinct by the year 2000. It is 
really this information which decides it — I shall not enter the 
field of song. I shall labor in prose. It would profit me lit- 
tle to gain immortality that should at once begin to wane, and 
entirely expire at the close of the next century. Neither do I 
wish to be accused of retarding the glorious march of civiliza- 
tion. But, Hank, I will offer you and the boys the consoling 
assurance that (denying myself poetry as an outlet for my 
hoisted emotions) I will express myself in flexible prose — prose 
that would sometimes criminate me if writing poetry were 
really a criminal offence, instead of a mild misdemeanor. 

But it is not always easy — in fact, it rarely is easy — to find 
a public ready to pay for the privilege of being tortured with 
a book written in prose by an " anon " genius. 
HAS TO CREATE THE ^ome onc of acknowledged authority 

TASTES WITH WHICH has Said that " only by accident is a work 
HE IS TO BE ENJOYED, of gcnius immediately popular,"' so you 
will see. Hank — believing the assertion to be true — the success 
my debut hinges on an accident. But the same authority 
goes on to state that "a really great man has to create the 
tastes with which he is to be enjoyed." You begin to realize 
the stupendous task I have undertaken ? It seems almost as 
hopeless as our early attempts to lift ourselves by our respec- 
tive boot-straps ! I am to create the tastes by which I am to be 
appreciated ! Read that over slowly, Hank, and try to grasp 
its full significance. How v/ould you, an unknown rustic, like 
the task of creating a new style of hat ? To be sure, you 



ii6 Four Centuries After 

could invent a hat that would be as novel as " Dick's hat- 
band," but to create a taste for that peculiar style of hat, would 
be the rub. Do you see ? 

My book shall be unique in many re- 

MV BOOK SHALL BE t T Ml t ». • t 

spects : I will agree not to insert superan- 

UNIQUE. ^ . , . , 

nuated wood-cuts m my book, asking the 
purchaser of a copy to believe they are typical scenes of the 
country np to date; I will not ask the "-dear reader" to 
stand with me on Mt. Blanc and view the promised land — 
this would injure the eyesight and destroy the confidence of 
the reader. 1 will religiously avoid those long, rapt descrip- 
tions of man, other animals and things, which go so far 
toward determining the length, breadth, and thickness of a 
work on travel and discoveries. 

'■ But," you say, " what, in the name of wonder, will you put 
in your book V My dear Hank, there are many things to say 
that may just as well be catalogued " Travel and Discovery" as 
otherwise. Few will note the deception ; and 1 will so far gain 
the confidence of many of my readers, they will even endeavor 
to locate the theatre of my dreams. This is touching, isn't it ? 
You will begin to see that my scheme is 
TO FILL A WANT THAT ^^^^j^ ^^^ ^^^^ ^^^ proposed work is cun- 

WAS NEVER FELT. . , , . , ^,, , r i r 

nmgly designed to hll a long-ielt — 1 was 
about to say, a long-felt want ; but I really hope to fill a want 
so novel that it has never been felt — -a sort of intangible one, you 
see. I'll send you a sample copy as soon as out, if you will 
solemnly agree to conceal it about your person until the ver- 
dict is in. Then should it be decided that my idea is in ad- 
vance of the age, you are to surreptitiously insert it in your 
fireplace, where, as the poet would express it, it will impart a 
momentary warmth and cheery glow, at least, and thus will 
not have been born wholly in vain. 

But to come down to a serious discus- 
THE FIELD OF Dis- ^^^^^ ^f ^^^ fj^jj ^f discovcry. As you 

COVERY. . • r 1 1 1 1 

intimate, this field has been gone over 
pretty thoroughly, and a bnok now and then (and several be- 
tween times) has been written on travel. You know. Hank, 
that when the cows have fed the pasture pretty close — until 



Four Centuries After 117 



they go roaming about with their heads in the air — the sheep 
come along and get a good living ; they nibble close, go right 
down to the root of the matter. Now, for illustration, we 
will assume that I am a sheep. By the way, do you recollect 
the ram Silas Wright used to let graze in his orchard ? I never 
think of a sheep, I can't even eat mutton, that I don't recall 
how he (the ram, bless its soul) used to help us out with our 
apples ! Talk of the walls of Jericho ! Why, the prints of 
his horns still linger like a birth-mark on — but we'll reluc- 
tantly let that pass. 

To return to our presumptuous comparison : the sheep nib- 
ble close — go right down to the root of the matter, and get a 
living where the cows leave off. It seems pretty hard, but to 
carry out the comparison I'll get a living (?) in the field of dis- 
covery, where the cows have left off. Turning to art : the 
average tourist will own that a subject worthy of our thought 
should be treated radically ; yet, with this conviction still 
warm, he goes scurrying over the country (here we drop the 
cow and sheep), catching a gay butterfly here, a scarabee there, 
instead of giving his attention to art, as he set out to do. 
I need hardly ask if this is sustaining the dignity of his pur- 
pose. The mistaking ones don't seem to realize that this is 
entomology, pure and simple It is well enough to be alert 
for a rare species of bug — sometimes the subject is forced 
upon you, but to devote your whole time to entomology to the 
exclusion of art is contrary to the dictates of reason. Just so 
soon as the tourist turns from art and goes scurrying over the 
country in quest of bugs, the painter drops his brush, the 
sculptor his chisel — I believe those are the respective tools 
used by these artists, although I haven't had a brush in my 
hand since we finished painting our old punt years ago. By 
the way, did you ever find out who it was loaded that craft 
with stone and sank her at the foot of the bridge ? I knew 
that paint was an innovation, and would cause jealousy ; from 
pitch to paint v/as too much for the boys. And the chisel ! 
You can't forget (I didn't believe you would at the time) the 
Sabbath we marred, with our hammer and chisel, in an effort 
to render our initials immortal on the rocks above the old 



Four Centuries After 



stone church ? How something happened that evening in the 
back shed — the same old demonstration of cause and effect. 
I am sure that the memory of that occasion clung about 
your anatomy for the several days ensuing at least. Your 
father had strong religious convictions, but his right arm was 
still stronger. Altogether, this was a painful epoch in our 
lives ; but, do you know, Hank, I'd gladly pass through it 
again ! 

You see, I can't keep to my text at all in writing to you. I 
forget art, everything, and go back to the old threshing- 
ground. I was saying, as soon as the tourist turns from art 
and goes scurrying over the country in quest of bugs, art loses 
its stimulus and the artist neglects his work. Seeing here a 
sadly neglected field of discovery, I am paying considerable 
attention to art, not to the neglect of my stomach, however ; 
but I may say that, next to foraging for something to eat, get- 
ting knowledge of the arts is paramount. Look up "para- 
mount " to make sure you are following me. 

You should see me standing before a 

MY MANffiuvRiNGs ^^,^^ ^^^ painting, or fresco-one of 

I^f ART. ° . ^ ^ . ^' ... 

those pieces of virtu whose inspiring pur- 
pose met its Waterloo with Napoleon. Your untrained eye 
would pass it by with the observation (mentally spoken, as 
though addressed to the Deity) : " Where, oh, where will the 
advertiser of soap and stomach bitters get space next, now 
that he has invaded the very sanctuary of art?" Tourists 
from your section often make the same mistake. Hank ; l)ut, 
thanks to the All-Wise and Beneficent, they never receive a 
second shock by discovering their mistake — they are so con- 
stituted that they never realize their blunder. 

I repeat (a failing which threatens my immortality), you 
should see me standing before a great painting or fresco ; see 
me back up and step on some one's toes, pass to the right and 
then to the left, then stop close in front. You would think 
me afflicted with a mild kind of dementia. That would be 
doing me a further injustice. All these movements are per- 
formed by the art critic. He is in search of high light, low 
light, sky light, and perspective. He tries to place himself in 



Foicr Centuries After 119 

touch with the artist — tries to grasp motif, which sometimes is 
very elusive, like the marsh-light we used to chase along the 
creek, till we got wet feet and the conventional tanning. 

It would seem that sometimes an artist 
ACTION WITHOUT A ^^^^^^ ^^^ ^j^j^ nothing definite but his 

MOTIF. . 1 , , , , 

canvas, paint, and brush ; he leaves the 
world to discover his motif. And right here the skilled crilic 
shows his almost divine insight. He sees beyond the artist, 
even ^beyond the vision of the reader of his criticism, into 
the vague and (to the ordinary mortal) the intangible, and 
grasps a motif, thus rescuing the artist's reputation from 
oblivion. 

Do my thoughts jostle and trip up each other, Hank ? Am 
I wading out a little too deep, as I used to say when you were 
learning to swim ? Just give the word, and I'll stop. I don't 
wish to take you where it's over your head. What I want to 
tell you is that the painter, like the author of our novel (not 
to mention the work in hand), doesn't always make his pur- 
pose, the lesson he wishes to teach, as apparent as the steer's 
horns on our old hat-rack — his motif doesn't stick out so you 
could hang your hat on it ; so, along comes the critic, the 
reviewer (the artist's and author's go-between), to clarify the 
public's mind of maddening doubt. The idea may still fail 
to stick out, but, with a dubious smile of wisdom, we accept 
the go-between's word in lieu of conviction. 

Why, Hank, now that I have got my 
I'LL TAKE A REEF IN ^^^^^^^ ^oUed Up, I could make the whole 

MY ENTHUSIASM. _ . . 

domain of art as clear to you as — as — 
well, as plain as those " sunnies " that used to dilly-dally 
about our hooks. And I tell you the domain of art is bigger 
than the Russian Empire, including some inter-Asiatic ter- 
ritory of doubtful dominion. This will give you a vague, 
very vague notion of what one tackles (that's a forceful word, 
eh?) when he attempts to comprehend art, and will make you 
feel awfully proud of me (no, don't mention it), and catise you 
to hustle around to take back the cruel imputations (I don't 
know whether that's just the word or not) you made in your 
letter. Yes, I'll take a reef in my enthusiasm. 



Four Centuries After 



" This thing has reached unexpected 
WE TRY TO SUPPRESS dimensions," as the philosopher remarked 

THE AUTHOR. i , , , ■, , 

when he lound that the cucumber had 
burst the bottle he was growing it in. I intended simply to 
write a few lines to let you know that — how that recalls the 
old copy-book — to let you know that my purpose in organizing 
this expedition was not only honorable but generous ; but 
those reminiscences (not bacteria) have crept in and so length- 
ened and expanded its dimensions, I shall have to send it as 
manuscript (an author's merchandise), and, iinless you let the 
thing out, no one, not even the Postmaster-General, would 
suspect that it was really personal correspondence. By the 
way, I can send MSS. from Europe to the United States at 
the rate of one cent for each two ounces, while Uncle Sam 
charges four cents for carrying two ounces of same matter 
from Kalamazoo to Schoolcraft — both post-offices, as you 
know, being in the same county and only a few miles 
apart. And still I boast that I am a citizen of the land of 
the free and the home of the brave, and cheap and rapid 
transit — whenever I find any one who can, and is willing to, 
understand Columbian. 

You recollect that when we used to go 
"I WAS ABOUT TO ^^ ^^^j. ^y^^^ ^^ rccitc, about as sure as 

REMARK." . - , ,. , , - 

fate we used to discover that we had a 
pretty distinct knowledge of everything but our lesson ? 
Well, what I particularly had to tell you in this letter, after 
correcting your false notion of my purpose, was the principal 
purpose of ihe Expedition. Art, over which I have raved to 
the eternal destruction of several sheets of choice linen paper, 
is really a matter of secondary importance to the Expedition, 
though personally I am all art, as I announced a few pages 
since. The paramount purpose of the Expedition is to discover 
the source of the Rhine. We are also curious to know how a 
river is generally made, and particularly the construction of 
the Rhine. We wish to watch it grow and expand from a 
small, insignificant mountain torrent, to a grand, castellated 
river. To be exact, we shall reverse this plan, and watch the 
river contract. From the source of the Rhine we shall (mind 



Four Centuries After 



you, shall) proceed to Venice, thus completing a trip across 
the European continent. 

YOUR BACK, NOT THE ^ ^^ rccoUcct thc olcl map we used to 
■ MONOTONY, WAS throw walttut shucks at to break the 
BROKEN. monotony of school life — how you were 

caught in the act and persuaded to sit on the floor with your 
feet resting on a bench a foot and a half above the base of 
learning, and how you used to declare that when you came 
out of the hour-and-a-half seance your back, and not the 
monotony, had been broken? Does the old map stand out 
now in your memory? I thought I could call it up. 

You see the ragged outline of Europe? Well, right here is 
Amsterdam (where many of those from Wayback project their 
European tour), a city you were always fond of pronouncing, 
because it contained a dam. Boys, like parrots, take a tena- 
cious hold of cuss words. Here at Amsterdam the Expedition 
was fitted out, so to speak, and was started on its perilous 
journey. Now, following my finger, note the line described 
by the Rhine to its alleged source in the Alps — a discussed 
point the Expedition is to set at rest ; thence to Milan, around 
which city we take a half-turn with our line, as though Milan 
were a snubbing-post ; then we carried said line due east, and 
fastened it to one of tiiose little striped posts to which the 
gondolier of Venice secures his craft. 

Now, on this line, something like an 
SHALL HANG MY EX- attenuated clothesline, I shall hang a 

PLOITS ON OUR LINE . 

OF MARCH batch of most astounding experiences — 

astounding alike for their truthfulness 
and unique design. In addition to pinning my exploits to 
this line. I shall have them stronglj' bound together by a com- 
petent book-binder, so that none may slip away into some one 
else's book. I have had a few somewhat narrow escapes, but, 
the Lord being willing, I shall experience a few narrower 
ones. You see, I don't care how narrow they are (down to the 
breadth of the typical hair, which, as you know, is the prover- 
bial limitation), so long as I escape. An exploit that doesn't 
allow its hero to escape has a depressing effect on the reader 
— likewise on the hero. 



Four Centuries After 



No, Hank ; that i5 not much of a ride 

A WET "hitch" in , ,, . , ^ 

— but we are walking ; and after you 

HIS DEMONSTRATION. => ' J 

have walked a few days, and your shoes 
have shrunk at all points of the compass (as we mariners say), 
until you have to use a pile-driver to get tliem on your thrifty 
feet, the objective point (Venice) seems to recede — becomes 
farther off, gets coy, as it were. A tramp across Europe, 
Hank, is even farther than it used to seem up to the swamp 
and back — particularly " and back." Do you recollect the 
day we skated up and back, and on the return trip you showed 
me how much easier it was to skate over an air-hole than to go 
round it ? — how your demonstration had a hitch in it, and how 
I threw you my tippet and you pulled me into the same 
demonstration ? — how we sat the rest of the afternoon before 
the old grist-mill stove, steaming and poking the fire? Yes, 
you recollect it ; and I recollect that mother asked me the 
next day : " Benjamin ' (whenever her opening remark was 
headed with " Benjamin." I pulled myself together for serious 
thought) — " Benjamin, why are your clothes so wrinkled, 
your breeches so short, and so baggy at the knee ? " 

" Mother," I replied, in an offended air, " what can you 
expect when you send me chasing about town in the rain to 
match a shade of silk that couldn't be found in Paris ?" 

Of course, my reply was made to scout 

SCOUTING THE TRUE ,, . , , . ., 

the true issue, and was what the opposing 
counsel would pronounce irrelevant and 
immaterial. In those days I used to stand off the issue — 
used to compromise with my conscience and the true issue, 
and I have known you to strain a point until it almost broke^ 
to avoid a thrashing ; nowadays my conscience is altogether 
too alert, too keenly analytical to allow of such subterfuge. 
Now I either tell the truth in a matter-of-fact way as though 
it were a set habit with me, from which even a slight departure 
were impossible, or tell a well-fortified lie and charge its full 
market value to my account with the gate-keeper. 

Now, I would say, " Mother, I can't 

I WOULD BE GENEROUS. ,, ,. tt , 1,1 • i • 

tell a he ; Hank pulled me into his 
demonstration ; he's to blame, and will receive the effect of 



Four Centuries After 123 

which he was the cause " — and you would get a double 
dose— after your father's prescription. 

The other day I walked nearly all day 

I WAS BACK AGAIN, j^^ ^j^^ ^.^j^ ^^^j ^^ ^^j j^^ j ^,^g ^^^ jj^^j^ 

HANK. ° 

dryer than that demonstration of yours. 

Instead of an old box-stove, with no end of dry wood, I found 

the typical European heater — a pretty, glazed-tile affair, whose 

purpose you would never suspect unless you saw the opening 

where the thing is fed, I asked permission to go round and 

sit at that end (the executive end, I call it) — I believe they 

were starving the poor thing. Well, I piled on the fagots till 

her pulse ran up to fever heat and my clothes began to steam. 

With my elbows on my knees and my chin in my hands, I sat 

and watched the warm glow and listened to the crackling 

fagots. I forgot the Great Discoverer in the wilds of Europe 

— forgot the discomfort of wet clothing, and was back by the 

old box-stove in the grist-mill, poking the fire and speculating 

on "how we'd get out of it." 

It's no use. Hank, in trying to bring this letter to a nice 

close, so I'll abruptly say — take care of yourself, and don't 

overdo iji an attempt to become notorious, and I will remain 

the same ^ - 

Ben. 

P. S. — Address me care of Shepard's Hotel, Cairo, Egypt. 
I am going to cross to Egypt, even if I have to stow myself 
away in the hold, or perch, bird-like, on the cross-tree of 
some trans-Mediterranean steamer. 

P. S. No. 2. — My first impulse on read- 
" YOU MAY BREAK, ■ ^^^ advlcc, " Writc an enthusiastic 

YOU MAY RUIN THE . . . 

'vAwz'" treatise on skunk farming, or on dog 

meat as human food, or write the biog- 
raphy of a shrimp" — ^I say, my first impulse on reading such 
advice was to entirely ignore it, as I suspected you of trying 
to guy me. I know very little about the habits of a shrimp, 
know less about dog meat as human food, and as to skunk 
farming, the idea is ridiculous. However, I could write an 
exhaustive treatise on the all-pervading qualities of the one 
we caught across the abdomen in our old double-spring bear- 



124 Four Centuries After 

trap. I never asked you if you excavated the suit of clothing 
you buried. "You may break, you may ruin the vase" — 
pronounced *' vawz " by an extra-nice collector of bric-a-brac 
whom I met while at large in a collection a few days since. 
To satisfy my curiosity to know that my ears were serving 
their purpose, I betrayed the art collector into chatting about 
vases for some time. I would say : " Of course, you have 
seen the celebrated urn [not vase, mind you] found in the 
tomb of Emperor Alexander Severus, and which was afterward 
purchased by the Duke of Portland ?" 

Certainly, he had seen the celojirated Portland " vawz." 
Yes, it was unmistakably " vawz." Would you suspect that 
the scent of the roses would hang round a "vawz ?" It 
seems incredible ! And, by the way, it seems quite as incred- 
ible how I hang round this letter — " like a pup to a root," you 
would say. 

B. H. 

XXVI 

THE ART OF PRINT- Durlog thc lattcf half of the 

™°- fifteenth century, while Columbus 

was going round from court to court begging 
some one to give him an introduction, and a west- 
erly passage, to the Khan-Khan of Tartary, the 
art of printing by movable type was first invented. 
Notwithstanding the rival claims of Haarlem, 
Holland, and Feltre, Italy, the Germans hold that 
the first printing from movable type was done in 
Mayence, and that John Gutenberg, and not John 
Fust, was the " fust " printer. This discussion of 
" who and where " has served as a stimulant in 
perfecting the art of printing. It seems incredi- 
ble, however, that any one should have been bold 
enough to lay claim to such job work as was exe- 



Four Centuries After 125 

cuted in those days. The printer of to-day would 
use several columns of our morning paper in a 
denial, if, in fact, he were not summoned to appear 
before the Grand Jury to answer to a criminal 
charge. The work is prett}?-, but when it comes 
to reading the imprint from type fashioned after 
Gothic handwriting, or pure Caroline minuscule, 
with their contractions and ligatures, their breath- 
ings and accents, to all of which is added the 
illumination of an Oriental sunrise, we turn to 
the chirography of a late departed editor with a 
sigh of relief. After perusing a printed page of 
Gutenberg's time we could easily account for the 
existence of "cursive" type. We should need a 
whole font of cursive type if we were to find our 
morning paper printed in the Gutenberg style. 

It is interesting to note that the first job work 
struck off with the new system was the letters of 
indulgence issued by Pope Nicholas V. in behalf 
of the Kingdom of Cyprus. The source of this 
information does not state what outrage the little 
island of Cyprus had committed, or the price of 
the indulgence. Statistics and history are often 
quiet when they succeed in getting us interested. 
Some one has quoted some one 

SOME ONe(?). , , . , 111 

else as havmg observed that the 
pen is mightier than the sword, and we would add 
that the press (Hoe's latest) and the typewriter 
(the instrument, not the girl operator) are a mighty 
improvement on the two first-mentioned instru- 
ments. Just think, if it were not for the press this 
volume would never have had an existence, and 



126 Four Centuries After 

the world would have gone on famishing for 
knowledge and intellectual life. Yes ; next to 
the distillery, the press is undoubtedly the great- 
est lever in the world. 

XXVII 

THE EUROPEAN WAR Ycar after year, my morning 
cloud! paper has contained an article 

calling the reader's attention to itself with this 
startling head-line (in type almost as arresting as 
those used in show bills) : 

" THE EUROPEAN WAR CLOUD ! " 

That interest which we naturally have for an 
event with fight in it, whether the contestants be 
man or beast, and the confidence I reposed in the 
editor of my morning paper, used to betray me 
into reading column after column of European 
war rumors, until I began to suspect that my 
editor and the Associated Press were " faking " 
for the edification of their subscribers. 

With my knowledge of physics, I began to won- 
der if clouds, properly so called, constructed after 
nature's formula, could remain suspended year 
after year without precipitating an occasional 
shower. Then it occurred to me that every cloud 
has its silver lining, and I asked if it could be that 
the editor of my paper (who had promised to serve 
me with news) was, assisted by the Associated 
Press, getting up these clouds for the silver that 
was in them. 

Here was another doubt to be explored by the 



Four Centuries After 127 

Expedition ; and ever since we arrived in Europe 
we have been collecting data (which is perfectly 
innocuous, however) on the subject. Now, with 
our comprehensive collection of data in hand, I 
am able to give a very lucid notion of what a 
European war cloud really is. It is not " visible 
vapor floating in the air at a considerable height 
from the earth's surface, liable to be precipitated 
by a falling temperature," as one who has studied 
meteorology might suppose it to be, but is a vague 
surmise which emanates from the arsenals and soldier 
mam{ factories of £urope, and goes floating about in 
the press. The war clouds are usually small, and 
what might be called "cumulus," and really 
promise peace rather than war. Occasionally, 
however, the war clouds assume the aspect of 
"nimbus" just prior to a rain-fall; but a warm 
breeze comes along and the threatened storm is 
arrested, although the Produce Exchange may 
have been visibly affected. 

HE WAS vEKv GaARH- ^hilc at Mayeucc I met a Ger- 
ED IN EXPRESSING HIS man who had spent several years 

OPINION. • A ■ 1 1 

ui America, where he accumu- 
lated a comfortable little fortune, and with which 
he had returned to the place of his birth to spend 
the remainder of his life and American money. 
In conversation with him I tried to induce him to 
express an opinion as to the prospects of war in 
Europe. He was very guarded in expressing his 
opinion, as though he felt he were exposing him- 
self to the smallpox. He simply shrugged his 
shoulders (which might mean one thing or an- 



Four Centuries After 



other), and said that he had " no means of know- 
ing Vhat might happen at any moment." I pon- 
dered long over this comprehensive reply — turned 
it over and over, and viewed it from all sides, but 
nothing throughout its length and breadth was 
revealed that the Emperor could possibly call trea- 
son. " No-means-of-knowing-what-might-happen- 
at-any-moment ! " 

As I continued to turn it over in my mind, a 
feeling of inexpressible apprehension came over 
me, and I began to have an almost uncontrollable 
impulse to look under the chair I was sitting on. 
" At any moment! " I felt like abandoning the 
expedition at once and fleeing to America. " At 
ANY MOMENT ! " and I reached into my waistcoat 
pocket for a capsule of bromide. 

If he had told me the old, old story, that "war 
was unavoidable, and would possibly go careering 
by, trailing its scarlet cloud, in less than a holy 
minute," I would have sat calmly b}^ and informed 
him that he was quite a breezy liar — a liar of the 
old school, vending the same ideas in the same 
phraseology ; but his " might happen at any mo- 
ment ! " for all he knew, was too modern a way 
of putting it for my comprehension. Possibly 
there was a key to this style of expression which 
would disclose a hidden meaning? 

But here the bromide began to 

A GAME AT BLUFF. , , _ ^ , , , 

work, and I felt calmer and more 
at ease. Thinking to draw him out by cross-ques- 
tioning, I asked him if he knew of any one who 
wanted to fight, anyway — if all the threatened war 



Fotcr Centuries After 129 

wasn't bluff — if he had heard any one of the 
European powers ask its neighbor to " brush a 
chip off its shoulder." 

The seeming perplexity this fusillade of ques- 
tions caused him made me feel bolder, and I de- 
clared it to be my candid opinion that if someone 
would jump up and say "Scat ! " all of a sudden, 
one and all, big and little, of the European pow- 
ers would scamper like mice when a parlor-match 
is scratched at three o'clock in the morning. Al- 
though my sudden sally was unexpected and 
caused him to squirm a little, he ventured no 
reply, but began to boast of Germany's great 
army, and called to my mind that, in proportion 
to its inhabitants, the standing army of the United 
States of America was the smallest in the world. 
I could see that he felt sure he 

THEN I BOASTED OF 

OUR STANDING ARMY had mc, aud I did feel pretty close 
°^" "-D-'s- pressed ; but, rallying, I picked 

up the first missile at hand. It was this : " That 
America has, by great odds, the largest standing 
army of doctors of medicin-e of any country in 
the world, each individually armed to the teeth 
with a pill-bag, more destructive to friend and foe 
than a Gatling gun in the hands of the most bit- 
ter enemy." 

This was too much for his batteries, and he 
suffered an ignominious defeat. 

When he had somewhat recov- 

HE HAD PASSED 

THROUGH AN " EN- crcd, hc told mc, with touching 

GAGEMENT." pathos, that during his sojourn 

in America he once had occasion, as he thought, 
9 



130 Four Centuries After 

to call in a physician. Providence guided him to 
a young man who was feeling around with the in- 
dorsement of a cheap diploma, to determine if the 
profession was a congenial one. The young man 
diagnosed his case, and (with an alacrity the patient 
mistook for American push) pronounced him a 
" goner ! " Seemingly to bear him out in this start- 
ling statement, he prescribed a dose that smote the 
patient where he lived, and made him have confi- 
dence in the young physician's prognosis. How- 
ever, he did recover from the effect of the drug — 
not to mention his slight ailment — although he be- 
lieves he had a peep into the everlasting reward. 

I saw that what I have said was liable to add to 
a bad opinion, so I told him I knew quite a num- 
ber of physicians who were doubtlessly acting con- 
scientiously, and intelligently, in prescribing drugs 
— and others who would like to do the same, but 
hadn't a chance ; and that, although there were 
many who hadn't the patience to attend the pre- 
scribed course of a college of established reputa- 
tion, they had no end of patients as soon as they 
put out their shingle — and thus was brought about 
quietly what is produced on a noisy battlefield. 
THE HAPPY EFFECT OF ItwouM sccm that \xv Europe 
A DRUG. they entertained some extravagant 

notions regarding the requirements of a licensed 
practitioner in America. While at Bonn, the Ex- 
pedition met a student who had put in some time 
at Guy's Hospital, and in speaking of the exact- 
ing demands on the European medical student, 
he said a fellow-student, an American, had cited 



Four Centuries After 131 

som^ queer cases of mal- (or unique) practice in 
the States. He told of one young man who 
slipped through the prescribed course with little 
money and no conscience, and boldly tacked up a 
shingle in a country town. It happened that one 
of his first calls took him several miles into the 
country. Arriving at the bedside of his patient, 
he took her pulse — which, owing to his terroriz- 
ing appearance, had gone up to ninety in the 
shade — then, examining her tongue, he had arrived 
at a diagnosis — she was sick. He didn't think to 
ask what he had been called in for (the precaution 
a young doctor who couldn't diagnose perfect 
health, not to mention disease, should have taken) 
— he didn't think to ask, and inspired all present 
with so profound an awe, none thought to volun- 
teer the information. " She had a slight cold, with 
its resulting fever," and he prescribed as per 
manual he carried in an inside pocket. 

On the morrow his patient's husband, having an 
errand to town, called at the doctor's office to pay 
the fee for the previous day's visit. The doctor 
accepted the fee ; and then, in a would-be matter- 
of-fact way, asked if his prescription had had a 
pleasing effect. " Yes, it had worked to a charm, 
and both the child and mother were doing well." 

But to return to the consideration of war. War, 
like the disputes of individual neighbors, is some- 
times brought about by some simple, senseless 
occurrence, for the cause of which maybe neither 
belligerents were responsible. I have a beautiful 
little example of the warring of neighbors, which 



A RURAL DRAMA. 



132 Four Centuries After 

may or may not be apropos, but I venture to 
bring it in right here. 

Two neighbors, whom we will 
call A and B, were thrifty farmers, 
who knew more about farming than they did 
about civil law ; but they were not aware of how 
little they knew of law ; however, they — like one 
or two other farmers we know — believed they 
knew all there is of law, both civil and divine. 

Act I 

At the proper time they set about constructing 
their respective gardens, which were so located 
that nothing but a plain, board fence separated 
them. Among the seed which A put in the ground 
were a few squash seed of a choice variety ; and, 
while he carefully covered them up and marked 
the plot assigned them, he could almost feel the 
first prize awarded for squash at the next fall's 
county fair. It so happened that B planted seed 
of a choice breed of pumpkins, just on the oppo- 
site side of the division fence. B felt no less sure 
that he would receive the first prize for pumpkins 
at the county fair the ensuing fall. 

Then the rain descended on the neighboring 
gardens, after which the Sun brought his germi- 
nating influence to bear on them. 

Act II 

Before long, on either side of the division fence 
there could be seen many yards of vine, bearing 
large, yellow blossoms. One day a large and Indus- 



Four Centuries After 133 

trious bumble-bee came humming along, seeking 
what he might discover. He entered one of the 
yellow, bell-shaped pumpkin blossoms, and his 
buzz was heard to grow small, until it was almost 
lost on the observer's ear ; but in a moment it 
began to grow louder again, until out came Mr. 
Bumble-bee. He looked " too cute for anything," 
all powdered with the golden pollen of the pump- 
kin blossom. After admiring his dress for a mo- 
ment, as he sat reflecting on the rim of the blos- 
som, up he got and away he sailed across the 
division line, and, without forethought or mali- 
cious intent, entered one of A's squash blossoms. 

Act hi 

One day in the fall, these neighboring farmers 
were seen in their respective gardens : one to har- 
vest prize pumpkins : the other to gather in prize 
squash. At first, they both showed surprise, which 
emotion was followed by anger. A accused B of 
maliciously planting pumpkins dangerously near his 
squash ; B rejoined," with much spirit, that A was 
the offender. At this A, forgetting all discretion, 
vaulted the division fence, and, placing his fist in 
close proximity to B's nose, addressed him by a 
name not his own — by a name that did not smell 
of the rose and should never have been applied to 
a being fashioned after our Maker — and stated 
that he could thrash a pumpkin grower in a bibli- 
cal minute. B replied that he (A) was a liar, 

and squared away for active service. 



134 Fou7- Ceniiiries Aftej- 



Putting aside the Marquis of Queensberry rules, 
they went at it — not to rectify the error of the 
meddlesome bumble-bee — not to make prize pump- 
kins and squash of muled truck, but because their 
mad disappointment had driven out reason. After 
a round or two, A got back on his side of the 
fence with a black eye and other souvenirs of 
the contest ; and while B was pretty badly winded, 
he was by no means effectually thrashed. 

Act IV 

B, not knowing that law was invented for the 
use of lawyers, is sure he sees a point of law that 
he can use in punishing A for vaulting the divi- 
sion fence ; he reasons that A not only got a 
physical whipping, but at the same time "burnt 
his fingers," legally ; and he consults a lawyer, 
who tells him he has a sure thing — that there is 
more money in it than in prize pumpkins. 

They "try it on," but as both farmers have a 
little bank account, the story is " to be continued 
in our next " until it is carried " higher than 
Gilderoy's kite " — and the lawyers win the case. 

[curtain] 

XXVIII 

I AM GETTING FOND Thc cxtravagant use of " 'heim " 

OF 'heim. g^g g terminal to the names of 

towns in these parts is something astonishing, and 

it occurs to me that here is opportunity for a poet 



Four Centuries After 135 

of small calibre. The town that refuses to rhyme 
with " 'heim " is the exception to the rule. Even 
the label on a bottle placed near my plate at din- 
ner has a " 'heim" on it ; and I must own that I 
am getting fond of " 'heim." At first, I thought it 
an innovation — it was so ever-present ; but, as we 
all know, we can become reconciled to almost 
anything, Rhine wine not excepted ; and now 
the query arises, How will I ever exist without 
" 'heim " when I get back where all stimulants but 
water are " prohibited " ? 

AT "work" in the To-day we saw the people at 
VINEYARD. work in the vineyard, gathering 

the last grapes of the season, from the expressed 
juice of which they were to make a choice brand 
of " 'heim." One of the men in the vineyard told 
me he had spent four years in America, where he 
had earned from $1.25 to $1.50 a day ; but he 
couldn't stand American prosperity, so he came 
back to the place of his birth. I asked him what 
pay he was getting in the vineyard. If he worked 
a day, he got the equivalent of about thirty-eight 
cents United States money ; but should he ab- 
sent himself from the vineyard until " the eleventh 
hour," the fact would appear on the time-book, 
and he would not receive pay for a whole day's 
labor, as is promised those who labor in a vine- 
yard I heard a deal about when I was a boy. 
From those thirty-eight cents this man had to 
clothe himself, pay for something to eat, and a 
place to sleep ; what remained he was at liberty 
to deposit in a bank, or spend foolishly. But I 



136 Four Centuries After 

could plainly see why this young man chose to 
work in a vineyard for thirty-eight cents to knock- 
ing about in America at $1.25 or $1.50 — I found 
him laboring with a bevy of young German girls. 
And what sport they were having ! Their laugh 
came rippling down from the hillside, peal after 
peal, and so enraptured me, I enthusiastically told 
the young German that he ought to be cut down 
to eighteen cents a day. 

XXIX 

THE RHINE IS FORCED Thc pcoplc through whosc do- 
To TOIL. minion the Rhine flows force her 

to "work her passage" — tax her for the right of 
way. A strong feeling of justice might prompt 
one to pronounce this taxation an injustice ; that 
in her many side excursions and turnings-back in 
her journey to the sea, she had quite work enough, 
and to ask her to propel the ferries that cross and 
recross her bosom, and to turn the mills that 
grind the corn of the country, is but little this side 
of an outrage. A people's notion of justice is 
determined by their, education : to the mind of 
a savage, justice is one thing ; to the thinking of 
a free-born American, it is quite another. How- 
ever, be it justice or not, the fact remains that 
the energy of the Rhine is harnessed to many 
ferry-boats and grist-mills. 
THE RHINE FERRY- ^u thc first occaslou we had 

BOAT. to cross the upper course of the 

Rhine, we were struck with the simple ingenuity 



Four Centuries After 137 

employed in the construction of the ferry-boats 
and their mode of propulsion. The boat is a flat 
affair, with perpendicular sides, much after the 
style of the Mississippi flat-boat, or Hank's punt. 
We looked in vain for the typical rudder ; and as 
we left the shore we began to grow apprehensive ; 
it looked like a vile plot to set us adrift at the 
mercy of the impetuous current, which would carry 
us, with her old-time accuracy, on a treacherous 
rock, where we should be wrecked and drowned. 
Then, after the autopsy (when the true inward- 
ness of the Great Explorer's purpose would be 
revealed, along with other viscera), he would be 
canonized. We have no deep-rooted objections 
to being a saint while alive, but do object to that 
process necessitating our demise — which arrange- 
ment would defeat the purpose of the Expedition. 
We strongly protest against any courtesy or token 
of deep esteem that stops, or even retards, the 
progress of our enterprise. 

But to return to the ferry-boat on which we had 
taken passage. We were filled with apprehension 
(deducting a late breakfast, of course), as we saw 
and felt the boat leave the shore without the re- 
assuring tiller. We reasoned that we would feel 
much more secure if we could see a tiller, even 
though " pleasure were at the helm." However, 
when our attention was called to our motor power 
we experienced a degree of security that was en- 
joyable indeed ; and we began at once to specu- 
late on the possibilities of our adapting the same 
attachment to a steamship in crossing the stretch 



138 Four Centuries After 



of long, lonesome sea that rolled between us and 
our home. 

We will attempt a description of this propelling 
and guiding attachment. A strong cable is at- 
tached to the up-river side of our craft, at a point 
exactly amidship. This strong cable has another 
end, which end is securely anchored at a point up 
and in the centre of the river, possibly one-fourth 
mile distant from the end attached to the ferry. 
Two guy cables, one leading from what we will 
designate as the bow of the craft, and the other 
from the opposite end, are attached to the main 
cable at a point a few feet from the boat. It will at 
once be seen that if theseguys, being of an equal 
length, are attached to the side of the boat at an 
equal distance from the attachment of the traction 
or main cable, they will have the effect of keeping 
the side of the ferry at exactly a right angle with 
the sustaining or main cable ; and the force of the 
descending stream pressing against the side of 
the boat would cause said boat to seek the centre 
of the stream and there remain suspended. But 
such is not the desire of the ordinary passenger — 
he wishes to get across the river. To achieve this, 
end, all that is necessary is to shorten the gu}' 
cable at the end of the boat facing the channel, 
while its fellow is being lengthened, which will 
have the effect of bringing the forward end of the 
craft around until the force of the current strikes 
her on the quarter, as we sailors express it, and 
thus pushes her across the river. 

To return the craft to the shore of departure 



Four Centuries After 139 

all that is necessary is to reverse the re/ative 
length of the guys, and, presto ! she moves. This 
effect of the current of the stream on the flat side 
of the boat is the same as that of a breeze on the 
sails of a vessel. To mark the changing position 
of this long sustaining cable, so that boats passing 
up and down the river may avoid fouling it, gayly 
painted buoys are attached to it at frequent inter- 
vals throughout its length. 

To stand on some distant height and watch this 
great pendulum slowly oscillating from shore to 
shore, on the shimmering surface of the Rhine, is 
an ample reward for many a labored stride. 
A FLEET OF GRIST- Thc grlst-mills, too, are pict- 

MiLLs. uresque. How grossb^ deceived 

we were the first time a fleet of them hove in sight. 
We were turning a bend of the upper Rhine when 
we saw, in a narrow part of the river, what we 
mistook for a fleet of mediaeval side-wheelers, or 
a plodding Dutch fleet that had wandered away 
from the lower Rhine. Our attention was at once 
called to the fact that they did not appear to be 
making the time a contract now calls for in a 
steamboat, and we reasoned that they were doubt- 
less the Rhine Accommodation packet. By walk- 
ing briskly for a few moments we overhauled 
them, and were about to sing out, " Ship ahoy ! 
Where bound?" when we discovered that each 
and every one of the fleet was securely riding at 
anchor. The cumbersome side-wheels were being 
slowly turned by the swiftly passing current, which 
produced the delusive impression that they were 



140 Four Centuries After 

laboring to get up stream. We at once pictured 
the sons of the soil bringing grist and their girls 
to these mills on a bright, balmy day, and, while 
the grain was being triturated, we could see them 
going out on deck and delighting the girls with an 
imaginary excursion. Such an outing would be 
economical and free from those dangers which 
beset the real excursion. They could add to the 
exhilaration of such an occasion by imagining 
(while their imagination was rampant) that each 
boat of the fleet was contesting the lead. With 
their girls at their side, the fact that each boat 
remained in its respective place from year to year 
would be of very little moment ; love would be on 
the move, and, as love is blind, the excursionists 
would not realize whether it was the Rhine rush- 
ing by or the German Empire going in an oppo- 
site direction, so bamboozling (this word is bor- 
rowed) is the alleged effect of love. 

XXX 

I MEET MY MARGUE- Evcr slncc WB crosscd the Ger- 
RiTE. vi\2i\\ frontier I have been looking 

for my ideal Marguerite, the maiden with whom I 
could personate the character of Faust. Yester- 
day being the Sabbath, I attended services — ser- 
vices conducted in an unknown tongue. As I 
left the church, it occurred to me that the time 
and place were propitious for me to make the 
coveted discovery, and as the congregation came 
out I looked expectingly at the faces of its younger 
members. Sure enough, there it was ; that inno- 



Four Centuries After 141 

cent, winsome face. Yes, and she was in the com- 
pany of my hostess, who, recognizing me, cour- 
tesied after the fashion of the German peasant. 
Raising my hat, I joined them, and attempted by 
a backward move of the head and a smile to ex- 
press the pleasure I found in their service. I 
learned, on reaching our little hotel, that my 
Gretchen was a daughter of my host. 
THE CURTAIN GOES That cvcnlng the chief of the 

"^- Expedition occupied a bench by 

a table in the combination family and public sit- 
ting-room of our little hotel, making the daily 
entry in the official journal. The mention that 
the Expedition had discovered a natjve typical 
beauty that morning was just penned when the 
subject of the paragraph entered the room. Here 
the pen was laid aside, and a mug of beer called 
for. It was brought by our Gretchen, who was 
motioned to sit down on the bench beside the 
Explorer. 

In a small German hotel every member of the 
proprietor's family plays a part in caring for the 
wants and entertaining the guest. Thus, in serv- 
ing a stranger with beer and then sitting down to 
entertain him, Gretchen need not feel that she has 
overstepped the bounds of propriety. Her mother 
sits across the room engaged in knitting and a 
friendly chat with a neighbor, and her father sits 
not far away smoking and conversing in a high 
key with a group of Germans, an occasional broad 
laugh from one or all of the group reassuring the 
stranger that the discussion bears no bitter feelings. 



142 Four Centuries After 

NEVER MiND-wE'LL From E tourist bag the Ex- 
have A PANTOMIME, plorcr brmgs forth a polyglot. 
Opening the manual, " I speak 
English only," is found and traced to its equiva- 
lent in German. This humiliating declaration is 
pointed out to Gretchen, who -looks knowingly, 
and in return traces out the equally comprehensive 
acknowledgment, " I speak German only." Here 
is a striking situation — a Faust speaking English 
only, and a Marguerite who speaks nothing but 
her native tongue ! How is the next scene to be 
developed ? There seems to be an insurmount- 
able hitch at the outset, as though the actors had 
forgotten their lines, or the carpenter had mis- 
placed the curtain crank. 

The polya^lot is again appealed 

THE COMMONPLACE 1 V to & 11 

VOCABULARY OF OUR to, but It rcfuscs to parlcy just 
POLYGLOT. j^j^g fitting sentence for the occa- 

sion. This polyglot is a manual of many not very, 
comprehensive languages. The following is a 
sample of its most clear and flowing style : " Where 
are we now ? How long shall we stop here ? Can 
I have a warm bath ? The Pope, A donkey. Soap. 
I engage you by the hour. That is rather dear." 
Evidently the author of this work had never per- 
sonated Faust — had written the book wholly unin- 
spired, and had presumed to assume that the 
requirements of a purchaser of a copy would 
never rise above the matter-of-fact wants of the 
grosser man. How could a man ever insinuate a 
tender emotion with such a phrase as, " Can I 
have a warm bath ? " 



Four Centuries After 143 



Between two hearts that beat 

" WELL, RATHER ! ' 

as one, and had been beating in 
like rhythm for some time, there might be so nice 
an understanding that such an innocent request 
as, " Can I have a warm bath ? " might have a hid- 
den meaning — a significance that it were better 
for the mutual interests of the twain that it remain 
hidden. Under such circumstances, it might be 
induced to mean, " Meet me by moonlight alone " ; 
and such a sentence would be sure to throw the 
curious listener off the scent and under certain 
circumstances would cause him (or more likely her) 
great astonishment. Neither would the ardent 
admirer make much progress with, " That is rather 
dear." He might reconstruct the sentence and 
make it read, " Is that rather dear 1 " That would 
be approaching a tone of endearment, beyond 
which it would be " rather " vague. Alike vague, 
too, would be, " That dear, is rather." To all of 
which, one understanding the situation would 
remark, " Well, rather ! " 

Other sentences, having a different use, were 
rejected as being wholly unavailable on this occa- 
sion. 

For want of more direct means by which to 
bring about the tragic denouement, this manual, 
containing a few most unpoetic expressions pre- 
sented in many tongues, was still appealed to, and 
the German numerals recited — Gretchen pronounc- 
ing ^^ jEi'n," and her pupil replying, " £/n " ; " Z7aei," 
" Zwei " ; " Drei," " Drei " ; and on up into figures 
of higher denominations than those on the money 



144 Four Centuries After 

of the Expedition. The German pronunciation 
of the pupil was found a little faulty, as well as 
halty, and Gretchen often found it necessary to 
ask for a repetition of certain numbers. Her 
pupil repeatedly tripped on ^^fUnf," but was 
picked up and placed on his German legs with an 
untiring energy and a painstaking that was very 
beautiful, and made the pupil feel very grateful, 
besides a few collateral emotions. 
THE PLOT SLIGHTLY Bcforc lottg, 3. young man of 

THICKENS. not over-prepossessing appear- 

ance, sitting across the room, noticed that the 
right arm of the now thoroughly engrossed pupil 
(the arm on the side next to Gretchen) had been 
placed along the top of the back of the bench in 
which Gretchen was sitting. Now, it requires no 
knowledge of human motives to be able to account 
for the disposition of that arm on the back of 
Gretchen's bench. Any one who has ever occupied 
a chair alongside of another containing a person 
who was conjointly interested with him in a book 
— a book from which both were seeking informa- 
tion — any one, we say; who has been thus handi- 
capped, will at once understand that the relative 
position of this pupil's arm to the back of his 
teacher should not have been considered com- 
promising, although it might have been suggestive 
to an evil mind. Furthermore, as the interest in 
the lesson increased, and both teacher and pu- 
pil leaned forward in rapt and eager interest in 
the page before them, was there reasonably any 
significance in the fact that the aforesaid arm, 



Four Centuries After 145 

losing its poise on the back of Gretchen's chair, 
and following the natural law of gravitation, should 
reach a more secure resting-place between the 
back of the bench and its occupant ? 
CERTAINLY, QUITE Wc arc surc that this was a very 

NATURAL. natural phenomenon ; and to one 

knowing the character of him who had seemingly 
gone astray, as well as we do, there would come 
no suggestion of wrong-doing. 

The young man across the room, who had been 
watching every detail we have described, as though 
he were personally interested, now came over 
and, laying his hand rather rudely on Gretchen's 
shoulder, said something in a high key that 
was not in her pupil's vocabulary. At this, 
Gretchen glanced over her shoulder at the arm of 
her pupil, and then looked defiantly up into the 
young German's face. With a rather sulky look, 
the young German returned to his seat across the 
room, and resumed his observations. 

By skilful gestures the pupil 

HER HUSBAND. 

succeeded in asking Gretchen who 
the young German was. In reply, she ran her finger 
over several pages of the polyglot until it pointed 
to — " husband \ " Then, with an elevation of her 
eyebrows and a nod of her head, she raised the 
index finger which had searched out husband, and 
pointed at herself. Here the arm that had found 
so much warmth and repose between Gretchen 
and the back of her bench, sought the side of 
Faust ; which, in the " light of recent events," was 
thought to be its more proper place ; and here, 



THE COMPANY DIS- 
BAND. 



146 Four Centuries After 

too, the management saw that it was in a real 
dilemma — a more serious one than that of the 
confusion of the actors' tongues : the woman cast 
for the part of Gretchen was a married woman ! 
Seeing no alternative, the but 
half-organized company reluc- 
tantly disbanded : the leading man going to his 
couch (or, rather, feather-bed, properly so called); 
the leading lady — she will have to send in her own 
report, as we never saw her again. 

[curtain] 

XXXI 

worms! what mem- We are approaching the historic 
OKIES YOU CALL UP ! Womis. As wc go trudglng along, 
what memories the name calls up ! We see a 
promising j'^outh sitting with his feet dangling 
over a bridge which spans a certain small stream 
in America. He holds a fish-rod in his hands and 
is intensely peering into the v/ater. Beneath the 
surface, there where it catches a reflection of the 
pair of truant feet, we see the advance guard of a 
school of " sunnies " or " goggle-eyes." As they 
timidly approach the baited hook, note the look 
of expectation on the face of the young fisher- 
man ! One, larger and more venturesome than 
his fellows, delicately nibbles at the tempting 
morsel. The face of the fisherman is becoming 
radiant ! His hands tighten their hold on the 
pole ! The representative " sunny " pronounces 
the worm in prime condition, and then downs it. 



Four Centuries After 147 

The fates of both the worm and the fish are sealed. 
There is a slight splash ia the water, a swish in the 
air,- and the first fish is landed. Several youngsters 
pass by on their way to the old swimming hole. 
They hold up their right hands with the two first 
fingers extended, and cry, " Ooh-hoo ? " No ; he 
doesn't care to go swimming — the fish are " taking 
hold," or " bitin'," to-day. 

ANOTHER EXAMPLE IN That evenlttg, a little past chore- 
cAusE AND EFFECT. time, wc See our fisherman trudg- 
ing homeward. His " pole " is over his shoulder, 
and a hand tightly grasps a string of fish — a dozen 
or more, some as many as three inches in length. 
Arriving at home, the roseate hue of the picture, 
by sharp gradation, changes to a dark blue. He 
and his parent, on his father's side, hold a diet in 
the woodshed. The question whether it's policy 
to fish against chore-time is hotly discussed ; and 
above the smoke and carnage of war we hear a 
resolution moved, seconded, and adopted — a rule 
drawn up and applied where it will be the most 
effective. At the next shift of the scene, we see 
our little angler standing round the corner of the 
shed with his hand on the seat of war. His face- 
tious sister edges up and inquires how many 
bushels to the acre the last thrashing shows — if he 
will have his fish broiled, fried, or baked. This is 
too much ; and, with tears in his eyes, he vows 
then and there that some day he will go away off 
and become great, and then come home and lord 
it over the whole family, from the head of the 
table down to the cat. 



Four Centuries After 



Who would suppose that fate could evolve a 
mighty discoverer out of so insignificant material 
as this barefooted follower of Isaak Walton ? 

Yet, as the Expedition runs against a passing 
cart, and shatters and dissipates this reproduction 
of a bright spot in vanished youth, the truth is 
brought home. 

We understand that a patent India-rubber 
angle-worm has been placed on the market as the 
latest addition to artificial bait. Now, with this 
patent rubber fish-worm in one pocket, and his 
reeled line in the other, the boy can steal away 
in broad daylight. Truly, science is helping the 
" boy," as well as the man. 

How vivid and persistent are the thoughts 
which Worms calls to mind. There was a man 
who used to frighten us out of several weeks' 
growth with his array of jars and astonishing 
tales of — but we'll let that pass. 
"THOSE GOOD OLD Thc hlstory of " those good old 

DAYS." days " makes very interesting 

reading to-day (in these days of religious toler- 
ance, when a Christian may lose his head in dis- 
cussion, but not under the guillotine ; may burn 
with religious zeal, but not at the stake). In those 
days, when the Church had a pretty tenacious hold 
of the helm of state — had it pretty much its 
own way both in temporal and spiritual affairs — 
before they began to sing " Come to Jesus " — at 
the beginning of the fifteenth century. Pope Leo 
X. set about to rebuild St. Peter's on a most 
magnificent scale. 



Four Centuries After 149 

A BRISK SALE OF IN- Thls Undertaking called for 

DULGENCEs. moncy, and as it was at a time 

before church fairs came into vogue, the Pope 

had to resort to the sale of indulgences to raise 

the funds with which to meet the demands of his 

architect, and he turned loose among his subjects 

one of his most fetching bulls. 

FIFTEEN FLOGGINGS Tctzcl, ottc of hls agcuts for 

IN ONE DAY. (.|^g g^jg Qf indulgences up in 

Germany, proved a very enterprising - salesman 
indeed. He rated polygamy at six ducats, and 
murder at eight, but perjury and sacrilege cost 
nine. These were considered pretty high prices 
in those days ; nevertheless, he did a thriving busi- 
ness. At this time, along came one Martin Luther, 
a man who was born of poor but respectable par- 
ents. He wasn't the first man to be born of poor 
but respectable parents, so nothing was thought 
of the circumstance at the time. However, he 
relates that he got no less than fifteen floggings 
in one day. This was promising, as floggings 
bring out the latent energies. 
LUTHER MAKES A Luthcr got hold of a Biblc, and 

HOLE IN tetzel's bcgan to think for himself. As 

DRUM. 1i 1 -U -J 

a result, he became convmced 
that the remission of sin could not be bought 
with money. With this conviction, Tetzel's cry 
for money annoyed him exceedingly ; and in a fit 
of desperation he declared : " God willing, I will 
make a hole in his drum ! " He made an exceed- 
ing large hole, which affected its resonance some- 
what, and rendered its notes less effective. Then 



150 Four Centuries After 



WORMS FOR A DIET. 



Luther and Tetzel began slinging very filthy mud 
— mud that badly bespattered God's greensward 
and the pages of history ; all of which went to 
show the dire need of reform. Luther became so 
obstreperous, he was invited to a diet at Worms, 
the very city now lying before the Expedition. 

Just think of Worms for a pro- 
tracted diet, or New York City for 
a Republican Convention ! We were once inti- 
mately acquainted with a youth who was very rnuch 
distressed in mind when he first heard of Luther 
and his diet at Worms. He (this youth) reasoned 
that the inquisition had placed Luther on a diet of 
worms, with the hope of curing him of his longing 
for religious reform, and, although he has since 
found out his mistake, he can't forget first impres- 
sions. This diet was distasteful to Luther, as 
might well be supposed, but he went manfully for- 
ward, and by his courage preached a more forceful 
sermon than words or mud could express. And 
the reform begun by Luther went apace. 
LET LOOSE A MOST Back iu thc eleventh century, 

FEROCIOUS bull! Hcnry IV., having quarrelled with 
the Pope (the famous Hildebrand), called a diet at 
this very town of Worms. He thought to depose 
the Pope, but the Pontiff assembled a great many 
bishops, and let loose a most ferocious bull of ex- 
communication, which very soon brought the mon- 
arch to sue for relief in most humiliating terms. 
A MORE EFFECTUAL Thls soTt of splrltual starvation 

METHOD. treatment was tried on the would- 

be reformers, but it failed to bring them back to 



Four Centuries After 151 



the fold of the Mother Church. Then they tried 
a more summary method of excommunication — 
they cut off the heads of the heretics. This was 
a very effective method ; the person receiving this 
kind of treatment for heresy was never known to 
seek redress in Cooper Union. But the physical 
force which the Mother Church used in her attempts 
to stop the leakage in her membership failed to be 
entirely effective ; the reformation went on ; the 
number of its adherents constantly increasing in 
the face of every obstacle. 

SEGMENTATION What ncxt ? A few miles below 

BEGINS. Worms is the retrograding town 

of Spires. It was at this town that during the 
year of 1529 the Reformers called a diet — a little 
diet of their own — to which they carried their 
" protest," which entitled them to the name of 
Protestants. From this time onward the study of 
the reform is very interesting as a study in evo- 
lution, or segmentation. 
it's example we The protestations that were 

WANT, brethren! promptly formulated and pro- 
mulgated when reform was fairly agitated, and 
the subsequent divisions and subdivisions of 
opinions, as though the thing were being split up 
for the slides of a microscope, are of peculiar inter- 
est — may afford a lesson to those who, knowing 
the danger of discussion, do not dare (or feel that 
they cannot afford) to take sides in the controversy. 
When we see learned disciples of Christ throwing 
the mud of doctrinal controversy at each other, in 
the presence, or to the knowledge, of the unre- 



152 Four Centuries After 

deemed, we would say : "Alas, gentlemen ! -where 
is your boasted brotherly love ? Put aside this 
hair-splitting and go forth into the world and teach 
us by example how to live consistently during 
seven days of the week ! 

"As a passenger in a steamship, what would you 
think, dear members of the ecclesiastical tribunal, 
of the officers of that ship, if, in the presence of 
threatened danger, they should enter into a bitter 
discussion regarding the relative merits and de- 
merits of the ship's lifeboats, when their only dif- 
ference lay in a slight variation of model, one and 
all intended to serve the same purpose, although 
the designer of each boat laid much stress on his 
' improvement ' ? " — Come to think about it, I may 
be drifting out of my sphere of usefulness. 

XXXII 

I WILL CALL IT "a My ucrvcs sustained a great 

CROCKERY EPISODE." shock kst ulght, and I still feel a 
little shaky. I put up at the typical little hotel of 
as typical a German hamlet. My host seemed 
anxious to do all his limited knowledge of the 
wants of man suggested, and my hostess, a comely 
young woman, was no less attentive. In due time 
I gave out that I would be pleased to go to m)- 
room. Under the guidance of my host, and by 
the wavering light of a candle, I ascended a 
creaky pair of stairs, on through an empty room, 
whose bare floor complained at every step, to a 
chamber containing a neat bed, a stand with 



Four Centuries After 153 



wash-bowl and pitcher, and four walls hung with 
the ever-present temporal ruler, the Madonna, 
angels, etc. I bade my host good-evening in my 
unique German, and, seeing that my door was 
securely fastened, hurriedly inserted myself be- 
tween the two feather ticks, and had just tuned 
my snoring organs for a gentle snore when " sud- 
denly there came a tapping, as of some one gently 
rapping, rapping at my chamber door." Rapping 
at my chamber door, mind you ! " ' Tis some visi- 
tor," I muttered, " tapping at my chamber door — 
entreating entrance at my chamber door." 

How was I to know that it was not some bold 
robber or a gentle maiden, "rapping at my cham- 
ber door " ? To still the beating of my heart 
I lay repeating, " 'Tis some visitor, entreating 
entrance at my chamber door — some late visitor, 
entreating entrance at my chamber door ; this it 
is, and nothing more ! " 

If I were sure that it was a burglar, " rapping at 
my chamber door," I could have the courage to 
protect myself. But you can't always be quite 
sure that it isn't the chambermaid who is " rap- 
ping, gently tapping," at your chamber door at an 
unseemly hour to inquire if she has changed the 
linen. It is sure to fiustrate me to have the maid 
ask to change the linen after I have retired for the 
night, and my clothes are dangling from a chair, 
possibly at the farthest end of the room. 
THE TAPPING PER- Thc tapplug bccamc loud rap- 

sisTED. piiig, a-nd I resolved to investi- 

gate. Putting this resolution into effect, I slid 



154 Fou7' Centuries After 

out of bed, and, stealing quietly to the door 
whence came the " tapping, gently rapping," I 
carefully drew the bolt, and swung the door open 
a foot or two, intending to sell my life dearly 
should any one want to buy. I don't believe in 
bickering over a deal, but I do insist on getting 
the highest market price for any article, and 
I didn't purpose giving myself away, or pas- 
sively surrendering, on this occasion., 

I repeat, I opened the door a 

HORROR OF HORRORS ! 

foot or two, when, horror of hor- 
rors ! my worst suspicion was realized. There, 
with a flaming candle in one hand, and — shall I 
speak it ? — it wasn't a dagger in the other, stood a 
woman ! To grasp the full significance of the 
situation, you must get a view of the man who 
heard the " tapping, gently rapping, at his cham- 
ber door," and got out of bed and opened it for a 
woman. He was dressed (to be more accurate, he 
was undressed) in a night-shirt whose leading trait 
was what is generally characterized as " the soul 
of wit " — that is, brevity. It extended anywhere 
from the armpits to its wearer's knees — I dare not 
give its exact length, for fear of being mobbed. 

He was clothed in " this, and nothing more ! " 
YES, IT WAS A sTRiK- Oh, how I shouM like to have 

iNG SITUATION. a fcw thousaud chromos of that 
picture, and a stand near the entrance to the 
Brooklyn Bridge. The thing would " sell like hot 
cakes." 

I took the situation in at a glance — so did she. 
I saw at once that she didn't intend to betray me ; 



COMPANION PICTURES. 



Four Centuries After 1^5 

neither was she in quest of my hard-earned cash : 
she had thoughtfully (dear soul) brought me 
another piece of crockery. She was afraid that I 
would be unable to sleep with aesthetic tranquillity 
near a broken set of crockery. 

I gracefully took the thing — 
this made a new picture, com- 
panion picture to the first. In my confused state 
of mind I said, " Many thanks, good-night," in 
Columbian, carried the complement to my set of 
crockery to the washstand, and gently placed it 
therein without jar or clatter. 

Yes, it requires great presence of mind, with a 
delicate and quick sense of propriety, to appear at 
perfect ease on all occasions. 

XXXIII 

" BY THE STRASBURG It Is prcciscly 9.30 A.M. Wc 
CLOCK." g^j-g j-iQj- asking you to take the 

dyspeptic time-piece of the Expedition as author- 
ity, nor are we offering the local time of some 
dilatory railroad ; we are looking into the broad 
face of the celebrated Strasburg clock. Nothing 
cheap about that ! 

Last evening, as the Expedition came along a 
road leading to this city, we could not forget that 
we were approaching Strasburg. There was the 
squawking of the goose on every hand, and high 
overhead we saw the stork lazily fanning the air, 
her long legs trailing behind, something like the 
tail of a kite. 



156 Four Centuries After 

The Expedition having examined the mechanism 
of the celebrated clock, and partaken of path de 
foiegras, we moved on. 

XXXIV 



A SELF-CONSTRUCTED 



I found an American stopping 
^"^N. at our hotel in Strasburg — or, 

rather, he found me. He was not the American 
Henry James is fond of meeting abroad. He was 
one of those auto-didactic characters who boast- 
fully style themselves " self-made," instead of 
stepping forward and, in an apologetic way, say- 
ing : " I made myself ; and owing to inexperience, 
and a want of natural aptitude, the result is not 
what I fondly hoped and expected it would be. 
My style of architecture may be found a little 
mixed — that I have built a cupola on my Gothic 
house." Continuing — ^" If I had another such job, 
I should certainly place it in the hands of skilled 
workmen, even though I had to shovel sand, write 
fiction, and do like menial labor, to meet the out- 
lay of such an undertaking." 

No, this self-constructed man — about whom the 
scaffolding still picturesquely clung — made no such 
elaborate introductory explanation. He simply 
announced that he was " self-made," and the only 
excuse he possibly could have had for volunteer- 
ing the information was, as he told me, that a 
professor of languages had tried to approach him 
that evening with every known language but the 
one in which he (our American) clothed his 



Four Centuries After 157 

thoughts. This, it seems, had excited in him a 
bitter contempt for the professor, and the art of 
teaching generally. When he told me that he was 
" self-made," I looked very sober, almost serious, 
and asked him if he wished to assume all respon- 
sibility of the job. He looked at me inquiringly, 
but with an expression that told me at once my 
nicely studied little drive had fallen short — the 
joke was too studied for his self-educated brain. 

He told me that he was an American — by which 
he, of course, meant that he was of the United 
States of America, as there is very little of America 
outside of the United States — to the thinking of 
every self-respecting, legitimate child of Uncle 
Sam. I found that his stock of information com- 
prehended the political gossip of America, from 
the time he began to vote up to date. Outside of 
domestic politics, into the domain of art, his knowl- 
edge was neither comprehensive nor reliable — it 
was quite as circumscribed as my own, but, unlike 
me, he didn't realize that every time he opened his 
mouth to rave on European art he literally put his 
foot in it — in his mouth, not art ; his foot would 
have ruined a large collection, had said foot got 
at large in art. Now, my knowledge of politics is 
very meagre. If I were asked to name the Presi- 
dent and his Cabinet, I should be very much 
frightened and have an appointment elsewhere, 
taking effect at once. This patriotic American, 
my chance acquaintance, got me into a chair before 
a plain table, and then, as though to make sure of 
me, he ordered champagne. With this introduction. 



158 Four Centuries After 

he opened up a long vista of political and war 
reminiscences ; how he had run " right smart " 
for some localhonor. Here I wedged in the query, 
" I understand that you are from the South ? " 

" Well, I reckon so. I was born in Alabama." 
I had " reckoned so " from the " right smart " 
run he had made. A Troy Laundry wouldn't 
invariably succeed in polishing such expressions 
out of the vocabulary of a Southerner. 

The lively set-to between the 

HE EVADES ARi' AND -' 

ENTERS THE FiE:.D OF Nortli aud South was recounted 
BATTLE. ^j^^ commented upon. He told 

of the important part he had played in the contest 
and the number of opponents he had exterminated. 
Whenever there was a slight lull or fracture in his 
delivery, I would endeavor to introduce art ; but 
he would slip away from my proposed subject and 
fall to fighting or electioneering again. Every 
time the bottle at his side repeated the paraphrase 
" Good, good, good," it would act as an encore, 
and the campaign grew hotter and the dead and 
dying became thicker on the battle-field. The 
conflict was perfectly awful, and I felt like wiring 
for Forbes. To add to the horror of the occasion, 
my " fighter from Wayback " chewed tobacco. I 
asked him how he got chewing-tobacco in Europe. 
He informed me that, through the advice of a 
fellow " chewer " who had " done " Europe (and 
who complained that he had-" lost his cud" while 
abroad), he had brought a stock with him, though 
he was forced to do some pretty tall fighting to 
get it across the borders. Throughout all the 



Four Centuries After 159 

fighting, he introduced his chewing habit with tell- 
ing effect. He would flirt a jet of tobaeco-tinged 
saliva through space toward a large open grate, 
with a precision that was intended to illustrate his 
accuracy with a musket. Occasionally, in a hot 
engagement, he would neglect to train his battery 
with his accustomed nicety ; then the projectile 
would go a little wide of the mark, but it would 
do just as much damage as though it had reached 
the enemy's line. From an artistic point of view 
— to the lover of the picturesque, this enemy's line 
(the fireplace) became an interesting study. A 
projectile, striking an outlying tile at an acute 
angle, would leave evidence of its career across 
the surface of several tiles, until its further course 
might not be arrested till it reached the face of 
the bastion, or what not. Many of these markings 
were longer than the scope of an artist's arm. 
Although I don't chew, I couldn't help admiring 
these exploits of my fellow-American. 

After a time, the combined 

I FINALLY BETRAY ' 

HIM INTO DISCUSSING forccs of thc North threatened 



ART. 



his defeat, and the bottle, whose 
applause of " Good, good, good," had at first 
promised him victory, began to have the opposite 
effect. Accepting this as my opportunity, I per- 
suaded him to relinquish the " lost cause " and 
capitulate — and then by a flank movement I 
adroitly betrayed him into discussing art. His 
recent engagement had made him rather reckless, 
and he entered the field of art with an abandon 
that was frightful. He had visited the principal 



i6o Four Centuries After 

art collections of Europe— was on intimate, I may 
say familiar, terms with all the Venuses — was very 
much taken with the Venus de Medici, the Venus 
of Milo, and Venus Victorious in particular. He 
had visited all the museums designed for the 
edification of *' men only." In fact, he had seen 
everything that should not be included in a respect- 
able catalogue, besides many curiosities that are 
not mentioned in such a list ; and he was very 
anxious to give me points on how to get at " hid- 
den curiosities — the pass-word, fee, etc." 
A GREAT WASTE OF In rcfcrrlng to paintings, it was 

PAINT AND CANVAS, j^^g opiniou that Europe was 
wasting a great deal of paint and canvas. He 
couldn't understand why an artist should spend 
his time and material in painting a gayly colored 
sunset, when we were having upward of three 
hundred and sixty-five every year, in any decent 
climate but that of London. A little clump of 
trees, with a solitary bird on a near branch, evi- 
dently in the act of singing, to his mind was no less 
a piece of nonsense than that of sunsets on canvas. 
On telling me that he had just come from Milan, 
I asked him what he thought of "The Last 
Supper." He said he came near killing his guide, 
believing that the great fresco was another piece 
of imposition gotten up for the express purpose 
of prolonging the time it takes to go the rounds 
of the city. 

It was late in the evening when I succeeded in 
making my escape from my compatriot. 



Four Centuries After i6i 

XXXV 

WHAT WOULD YOU Latc 006 eveiTimg we reached 

HAVE DONE? a small town not far from Stras- 

burg (the name of which, for reasons that shall 
be apparent, I will not mention), and asked for 
a night's accommodation at the only place that 
could be called a hotel. I was not disappointed 
to find that the landlady and her two daughters 
spoke German only, but was pleasantly surprised 
when, along later in the evening, one of the daugh- 
ters presented a young woman who addressed me 
in quite correct Columbian, saying that my land- 
lady had asked her to come and act as interpreter 
for an English-speaking gentleman. I told her I 
had succeeded in making my simple wants known, 
but should like to make a few inquiries regarding 
local manners, customs, etc. Her conversation 
showed her to be well informed, not only on sub- 
jects of local interest, but to have a knowledge of 
the world that could hardly have been acquired 
in a small inland town. 

After a time I learned that she had been in 
America ; and when I spoke of scenes with which 
she was familiar, I noticed her attempt unobserv- 
edly to brush away a tear, and then draw the 
child, standing near, closely to her side. Not 
having noticed that the child came in with her, I 
supposed it to belong to my hostess. Observing 
the tender way in which she fondled it, I ventured 
to ask if she loved children. In asking her this, 
I intended to pay her a tacit compliment, as, of 
(") 



i62 Four Centuries After 

course, all womanly women love children. She 
replied that she did, and that she loved this one 
in particular, as she was its mother. I drew the 
child toward me, and, with the best of intentions, 
asked it whose child it was, to which it lisped, in 
broken English, " Mamma's." 

"What, not papa's child?" I innocently asked. 
At this, the mother drew the child from me and 
sent it out of the room. 

I have the most sincere respect and admiration 
for a mother and her holy office, and feel it my 
duty to acknowledge this sentiment on every 
available occasion ; and I have usually noticed a 
new light come into a mother's eyes when she 
hears a stranger ask her child about its father. 
This assumed interest in the child's father is in- 
tended to convey a pretty compliment to the 
mother ; though, when we come to think what this 
assumption implies, we will see that it is not 
always a safe proceeding in the absence of knowl- 
edge of the child's paternity. It was evident, 
from the mother's conduct, that I had unwittingly 
made a mistake on this occasion. 

As soon as the child was out 

WITH A TEAR AND A 

FAR-AWAY LOOK IN of thc room, thc mother turned 

HER EYES- ^Q j^g ^j^^ g^J^ ^l^^j. gj^g £gj,. g]^g 

owed me an apology for such seeming rudeness, 
and that she could see no other way of explaining 
her conduct than to tell me of an experience she 
had passed through while in America. Here she 
went on to relate that she was born in Strasburg ; 
that hef father had been a well-to-do shopkeeper. 



Four Centuries After 163 

who had given his daughter a rather liberal educa- 
tion. During her seventeenth year, both her 
parents died. About this time she chanced to 
meet an American lady who was in quest of a 
young woman to act as travelling companion and 
governess to her children. She was offered this 
position, which she gladly accepted, as the slender 
fortune left her offered but shabby support. When 
her employer returned to America, she accom- 
panied her. She had been in America but a short 
time when she met a man of gentlemanly address 
in whom she soon became interested, which 
interest soon ripened into love and-' betrothal, 
and at the end of a year's acquaintance they 
were married, with every prospect of a happy 
future. 

At the beginning of their acquaintance, her 
husband had told her that he was a widower ; that 
his wife, whom he had met and married in Australia 
(whence they had both gone in quest of a home), 
had been reported as one of the lost of a wrecked 
ship, on which she had taken passage for San 
Francisco to join her husband. This early love 
seemed to have been entirely forgotten in his 
new-found affection, and they were soon planning 
a home — a little cottage, the ideal of their united 
lives ; and to them the whole world was soon 
narrowed down to this one little spot. 

Days full of sunshine slipped by ; weeks grew 
into months, and the compact that was made 
before God constantly strengthened with time. 
Then, as though to make the union more binding 



164 Four Centuries After 

(if such a thing were possible), another face— a 
small voice — came into their life. 

One morning, about a year after this last event, 
the husband — the father — sat at the breakfast 
table reading the morning paper. He chanced to 
scan the personals, when his attention was arrested 
by one reading: ''Any information regarding 

the whereabouts of will be gratefully received 

by his wife, who was reported lost in the wreck of 
steamship." 

As the paper dropped to the floor, the mother 
of his child hurried to his side and caressingly 
asked the cause of his agitation. In reply, he 
pointed out the "personal." 

But half-realizing the full significance of the 
situation, she at first did not give way to her emo- 
tions, but went to the cradle and took the child 
in her arms — that, at least, belonged to her ; then 
turning to the father of her child, she said : 

What do you suppose she said, 

YES ; BUT WHAT J V i" ) 

WOULD vou HAVE dcar rcadcr ? and how did she 
''°'"'- act? What would jw^ have said 

and done on a like occasion ? You, strongly en- 
dowed with a mother's instinct and love, what 
would you have said to the father of your child ? 
Would you willingly have given him up — have 
surrendered him and the little home to another — 
to another womah ? 

I am not addressing this to the cold philoso- 
pher ; I would ask the opinion of the wife and 
mother, and until I hear what she has to say — 



Four Centuries After 165 

until she tells me what she believes she would do 
— I do not feel at liberty to tell what this woman 
^/^. do and say when the test was applied.- 

XXXVI 

EUROPEAN BEEF- It is our habit to call for a 

STEAK. broiled tenderloin of beef. We 

feel justified in being thus extravagant, as expe- 
rience has taught us that in about ninety-nine 
times out of a hundred the villains serve us with 
a slice from the Achilles tendon of "the cow with 
the crumpled horn," or from that of an Irish or 
Papal bull. 

,^. „„r.^^r,^,r-. 1^ h c Icadlug property of the 

ITS PROPERTIES — • Oil J 

METHOD OF KILN- Europcan beefsteak (unlike that 
DRYING. q£ ^ mathematical fact) is great 

elasticity. The art of kiln-drying beefsteak has 
reached a high state of perfection in Europe. 
There may be something in the quality or condi- 
tion of the raw material which would account in 
a great measure for their success. Be this as it 
may, we gladly (we were about to say maliciously) 
accept this opportunity to declare that when it 
comes to tempering a beefsteak for wear, Europe 
may be applied to. They will treat it to defy 
alike the tooth of time and of man. The gastric 
juices of the Expedition, assisted by the peristal- 
tic action of the stomach, have no perceptible 
effect on some of the steaks submitted for analy- 
sis. Thinking that the stomach might be playing 
off on its constituent in the hope of being coaxed 



1 66 Fozir Centuries After 

with quail, we gave several pieces of the most 
tenacious sample of steak a thick coating of gen- 
uine Dutch mustard. The mustard was assimi- 
lated, but the pieces of steak continued to revolve 
in the stomach, something after the fashion of 
peanuts in a roaster. 
MUSTARD VERSUS Spcaklug of mustard reminds 

COLIC. j-^g \);x2X it has gradually worked 

its way up from an auxiliary to the main article 
of our diet. It is one of the mighty few things 
that cost nothing in Europe. The Expedition has 
eaten at one sitting as much mustard as a certain 
little boy's mother used to apply to said little 
boy's abdomen in an extreme case of colic, or — 
no, we won't say it. We are constantly harassed 
with the alarming thought of what would be the 
consequence if a piece of this beefsteak should 
get lodged in the appendix verviifortnis ! Grape- 
seed, orange-seed, and like intrusive little germs 
are forgotten in the presence of little cubes of 
European beefsteak. 

I feel positive that it was an 
infernal piece of European beef- 
steak that lost me a most brilliant conquest while 
at a certain so-called first-class hotel in Mayence. 
During the evening I had been rather informally 
presented to a most fascinating young lady, and on 
the following morning, finding myself sitting di- 
rectly opposite her at the breakfast table, I at 
once set about to make a favorable (possibly last- 
ing) impression. I saw at a glance that she was 
a woman of refinement and culture, and could be 



CONFIDENT. 



Four Centuries After 167 

approached only by my most studied manners, 
which equipment, by the way, is irresistible. Had 
my mind been less occupied in contemplating the 
vision of loveliness across the table, I would ha_ve 
suspected the design of the steak lying before me. 
As it was, I mechanically picked up my knife 
and fork and proceeded to wear a piece off the 
margin of the beefsteak. In the course of time 
this initial task was completed ; then this piece 
(of the size of which I had but a vague notion) was 
carried to my mouth. When it had been fairly 
placed therein I discovered that it was several 
sizes too large for my oesophagus ! What was I 
to do ? I couldn't reduce it with my'^;eeth, as it 
was too strongly reenforced with connective tissue 
and superficial fascia. 

REMOVING GARBAGE Somc pcoplc arc very deft at 

FROM THE MOUTH. rcmovlng garbage from their 
mouths with the assistance of a napkin or large 
sleeve — and I could have performed this feat had 
I been around back of the house ; but I lacked the 
courage to test my skill on this, of all occasions. 
Although the lady opposite me made no comment 
on my perplexed appearance, she must have realized 
that all was not well with me, and I imagined I 
saw an ill-suppressed smile flitting about her 
charming mouth, although I couldn't imagine the 
ghost of a smile flitting about my own. Doubt- 
less smiles know when and where to flit. 
A COMPLETE BLOCK- I rcviewcd my varied experi- 
^°^- ences, but could recall no avail- 

able means of disposing of the cumbersome beef- 



i68 Four Centuries After 

steak. I couldn't proceed with my breakfast, 
ignoring the presence of a steak, as there wasn't 
room enough in my mouth to get my breakfast by 
— it was a complete blockade. The young lady 
opposite me now inquired the time of day of a 
lady at her side, who doubtless hadn't the time of 
the year about her, less probable that of the day. 
Intuitively seeing an "opportunity," I mechani- 
cally pulled out my chronometer and was about to 
proffer the information, when, horror ! my articula- 
tion was so impaired with the presence of Euro- 
pean beefsteak I shouldn't have recognized it even 
at my mother's knee. This was too much. I 
abruptly left the table and hastened to my room, 
where I soon dislodged the offending steak. 

I related this thrilling mishap to a lady friend 
of mine not long since, and she rejoined, by way 
of consolation, that had I not put the oversized 
steak in my mouth as I did, I would have inserted 
my foot sooner or later, which might have proved 
a worse predicament — and she looked down at my 
feet in a mock critical manner. 

Whereas the Arctic explorer in 

THE EUROPEAN HEN. , , . - 

extreme cases has been forced to 
subsist on moccasins, in the wilds of Europe we 
have resorted to the hen. In the absence of beef- 
steak, swine-cutlet, calf-cutlet, chopsor sausage, the 
life of a hen, of whose moral character and general 
diet we knew nothing, would be sacrificed. Many 
a time I have sat by a window of our hotel and 
watched the execution. Usually, the high execu- 
tioner was our hostess or her buxom daughter. 



Four Centuries After 169 

The ceremony would open up with a grand cackle 
and stampede of the fowls around the back-yard, 
where they had been quietly grazing, with the high 
executioner in full chase. Then followed a dem- 
onstration of " The Survival of the Fittest " and 
" catch as catch can." The young fowls always 
survived, and the fat capons (said to give rotun- 
dity to the abdomen of man) — well, they displayed 
an agility or a sprightliness that led me to suspect 
they had not been radically caponized. One 
would always be safe to venture money on the 
result of the chase. The old hen who had cackled 
over many and many an ^gg — who had compla^ 
cently brought forth brood after brood, over which 
she had subsequently hovered with a tender care 
fraught with maternal instinct — she whose muscles 
had become atrophied or had suffered fatty degen- 
eration — she who had long survived her early 
associates and was now looking back on a van- 
ished youth — yes, alas ! it was invariably she who 
was at last run down. This spectacle was not 
appetizing ; and when we were called upon to hold 
an inquest over her remains, we would perform 
those functions rather in the interests of science 
than with the hope of finding therein food for a 
gourmet. A hen that had been run down would 
be found to consist of a frame of bone, sparingly 
covered with connective tissue, and traces here and 
there of muscular tissue. 

INCUBATED DURING Of coursc, thcrc is no means of 

THE MEDIEVAL AGE. positlvcly determining the age of 
a hen ; like other feminine bipeds, she is very 



lyo Four Centuries After 

sensitive on this point, and would mislead you in 
offering data pointing to her alleged age. If I am 
allowed an opinion, an opinion based on evidence 
found on the hen's person after her demise, I 
should give it as my honest opinion that we 
have carved (or, more correctly, attempted to 
carve) many a hen whose incubation took place 
during- the mediaeval ages, or not later than the 
beginning of the renaissance. 
WHAT ARE WE TO ^ ^avc of tcn cotttcmplated how 

EXPECT OF THE mucli morc entertaining such a 
fowl would be, had she the gift 
of speech, and had been served to us alive. With 
the knowledge she could have imparted, I would 
have been enabled to twang a good many Euro- 
pean liars. History is very interesting reading 
for those who have unbounded faith in anything 
and everything. When we come to peruse the his- 
tory of our own day, and immediate neighborhood, 
and find that we are accused of having been born 
before the day fixed in the calendar, of poor but 
respectable parents, and that we have actually had 
to toil with our hands, we feel that we are taking 
great risks in trusting history to give us informa- 
tion regarding the dynasty (or otherwise, as the 
case may have been) of any people in past ages — 
don't we ? 

XXXVII 

LIKE A BENE- Ou our march through Alsace- 

DicTioN. Lorraine we frequently pass 

through quaint little towns or hamlets which, in 



Four Centuries After 171 

their simple style of architecture, resemble each 
other in a striking degree. The houses of these 
towns, of from one to two stories, are placed even 
with the street, usually with their gables to the 
front, the projecting roof offering a protected 
place in which to dry corn, and at this season of 
the year containing long festoons of yellow ears, 
which contrast pleasantly with their background 
of white-washed walls. We trudged through one 
this afternoon that seemed to be a fitting type of 
them all, and vividly reminded me of some old 
engraving I have seen way back in the dreamy 
past. The town was built on one lonig street, 
which served the double purpose of street and 
highway ; and being perfectly straight, offered a 
pleasing study in perspective. Standing at one 
end of the street and looking down the vista to 
where the vanishing lines almost meet, what do 
we see ? The nearest object is a primitive-looking 
two-wheeled cart, drawn by one horse, which ap- 
proaches us as though he were going just outside 
the town, and had all day in which to get there 
and back, and the driver appears to have pas- 
sively accepted these conditions. The cart having 
passed out of our perspective, we again look 
down the street. School is out, and the street is 
now in possession of calling children and squawk- 
ing geese. It would hardly be safe to say which 
predominate, geese or children — or which are the 
noisiest : yet neither of them are as noisy or as 
boisterous as they should be ; they have a hushed, 
restrained way about them that seems unnatural. 



172 Four Centuries After 

Their actions are sedate, and, as the stranger 
comes down the street toward them, the children 
form into whispering groups, and the geese come 
filing along, the gander in the lead, not half as 
aggressive as he should be. The scene becomes 
almost oppressively hushed — and I feel that I 
should like to have Hank step in and give it 
life. 

As we near the centre of the town, we see on 
our right a small open shed in which an ox is 
being shod, and a little way beyond is the project- 
ing sign-board which tells us we have reached the 
hotel : directly in front of which we see standing, 
sentinel-like, the tall, long-handled town pump ; 
and almost directly across the way is the little, 
unpretentious church — man's spiritual and tem- 
poral wants both provided for, close at hand. 

As we were coming along we noticed a quaintly 
dressed elderly man approaching from the other 
end of the town, ringing a bell, and in a monoto- 
nous voice calling out something that I, of course, 
could not understand ; and as we come near him, 
he turns aside to gossip with a woman who 
leans out of a window on the street. As they 
talk, they look our way and nod knowingly at each 
other — " A stranger ! " 

I slowly and reluctantly step out of this quiet 
scene, rubbing my eyes as I go. Its effect on the 
passions is almost like that of a benediction ; and 
when in the hurry and bustle of life, the thought 
will persist in coming to me : " Have these people 
solved any of the problems of life ? Would it be 



i 



Four Centuries After 173 

safe for me to look closer into their lives, or 
should I be thankful and contented with the 
superficial picture I have carried away ? " — which, 
as a picture, is one of the most quieting and com- 
forting in my mental gallery. 

XXXVIII 

" VIVE LA FRANCE ! " Thc pcoplc throughout this 
NOT GOOD FORM, p^ft of thc Gcrman Empire seem 
timid, and hesitate to harbor strangers. They 
are doubtless afraid they may unwittingly enter- 
tain an emissary of the French, and thjjis offend 
the Emperor. In these parts it is not considered 
in good form for either a German or a foreigner 
to cry " Vive la France!" I understand that the 
cost of such an expression of French patriotism 
has been fixed at twenty marks, the cry to be 
quite plain and undemonstrative. If recited with 
undue zeal and emphasized with fire-arms, the 
cost runs up perceptibly. This information causes 
the Expedition to act very soberly, and forbear 
lisping a word of America's Menu language. It 
would prove embarrassing, indeed, should we be 
mistaken for a French enterprise. 

XXXIX 

THE EVOLUTION AND ^^hctt not far from the Swiss 
RETROGRESSION OF bordcr wc dlscovcrcd an intel- 
ligent dog, of quiet demeanor 
and a sense of self-respect, leading a species of 



174 Four Centuries After 

man of apparently some instinct. If the dog had 
been favored like Balaam's ass, he could have 
given his follower some good advice ; even as it 
was, one could plainly see that he (the dog) was 
assuming all responsibility of the outing. The 
man was carrying a gun. This made me feel 
apprehensive, and the dog seemed to share this 
feeling. The man bore further evidence that they 
were in quest of game — he wore a game-bag, 
which was as flat as a, cake of Egyptian bread. 
Finding that he could speak Columbian in a rudi- 
mentary fashion, I engaged him in conversation. 
It was too true. His conver- 

MENTAL VACUITY. 

sation was as pointed an mdex of 
his mental vacuity as had been his personal 
appearance. 

I tried to find out what the political tempera- 
ment was in that section — if the natives were ripe 
for a democracy ; if there were any prospects 
that the border line between Germany and France 
would be shifted again, etc., to all of which he 
would ingenuously make reply something like 
this : " No, the game is not very plentiful." 
This was exasperating. It appears he had started 
out with just one idea — he was after game. This 
entertaining just one idea at a time showed that 
he was not wholly wanting in wisdom. Had he 
attempted to wrestle with two or more thoughts 
at a time, he would have been tuckered out. 

Still, I envied him : his mind would never get 
feverish with teeming thoughts and sap the 
nourishment from other parts of his anatomy — 



Four Centuries Aftej' 175 

would never rob his feet of their pabulum and 
leave the man with an unstable base. The dog, 
the man, and the Expedition soon reached a town, 
and wended their way to a hotel, where the 
Expedition accepted a drink at the expense of the 
mighty huntsman ; then we parted : I took a 
room for the night, the dog and his precious 
charge, the " man," going their way. 
IS THE DOG TO BE THE My host, who spokc a little 
"fittest" animal? Columbian, informed me that the 
dog and man were of noble lineage. The dog's 
genealogy could be traced back through many 
generations ; and a system of judicious alliances 
had produced a resulting dog that was the pride 
of the neighborhood. The pedigree of the man 
could also be traced back for many generations, 
but the judicious alliances that had brought about 
such happy results in the dog's family-tree, had 
not been observed in the evolution of the man ! 
He was a living commentary on the awful result 
of intermarriage and an effete civilization. 

While looking back for evidence of the evolu- 
tion of man, why not lay more stress on the evi- 
dence of man's retrogression ? 

I used to entertain queer no- 

ROYALTY AND GREAT- ^ 

NESS THRUST UPON tlons regarding the exalted office 
""^" of royalty, and I promised myself 

that the first royal personage I should meet on 
his native soil, I would salute by falling down and 
stepping on myself, or manifesting some like 
token of profound respect and adoration. One 
was pointed out to me near Mayence, and I at 



176 Four Centuries After 

once mentally took back my promise. I wouldn't 
have prostrated myself before this particular speci- 
men of royalty if it were to save my neck — from 
the matrimonial noose. He was one of those 
people who have greatness thrust upon them 
before they are old enough to resent it. He 
seemed to feel the misapplied greatness keenly, and 
acted as though he would much prefer to be a 
very ordinary country gentleman. They had him 
in uniform — not that of the common soldier, but 
the elaborate outfit of a real officer. Doubtless 
the clothes were cut to order, as they were a per- 
fect fit, but their nice construction had not brought 
about the dignity and reposing grace to their 
wearer which we looked for in a soldier of rank. 
It was plainly to be seen that they had persuaded 
him to try to personate the fierce and intrepid 
conqueror, but the fact that his management had 
assigned him the wrong part was no less evident. 
I felt like stepping up behind him and cracking a 
paper bag to see him faint away. They had set 
him to galloping back and forth in front of a 
" handful " of soldiers, who stood as demurely as 
"the three crows who sat on a limb." Of a sud- 
den, he would stop in his mad career, give the 
soldiers the word, when they would go through a 
series of free exercises that were not at all after 
the Delsarte school. After a time the officer 
espied a bevy of young lady admirers. I can't 
say whether they came "per appointment," or not, 
but it looked like it, as he at once placed his 
soldiers all in a row, where he fixed them by some 



Four Centuries After 177 

invisible means as though about to take their 
photo ; then he wheeled his horse about and gal- 
loped off to where the ladies were awaiting him. 
In the presence of the ladies he seemed to forget 
the carnage of war, his soldiers, and his uniform, 
and gave his whole attention to his fair admirers. 
After he had been unbent in his free and easy chat 
with the ladies for some time, it seemed to occur 
to him — with the same abruptness with which he 
left the battle-field — that he had forgotten some- 
thing. He vaulted into his saddle, assumed a 
soldierly air, and with a full, round mpvement of 
his right hand, touched his cap to the ladies, and 
returned to the soldiers, who had stood during his 
absence apprehensively rigid, without even wink- 
ing an eye. He again " pressed the button " which 
reanimated his soldiers and caused them to make 
various evolutions, with an accurate unison that 
had none of those hitches which characterize the 
movements of the figures in the clock at Stras- 
burg, or Hank's automatic tin soldiers. 
IS IT sELF-DESTRuc- Hcrc I tumcd reflectively away. 

TioN? j(- began to seem more evident to 

me that the union of royalty is no guarantee that 
the issue will be a type of beings above the ordi- 
nary mortal. Then I asked myself : " Why not 
allow such fellows to follow more after their 
natural bent ?— if they prefer to be soldiers, and 
show an aptitude in that line of dissipation, let 
them follow it ; likewise, when they prefer to be 
common country gentlemen, and chase the bob- 
tailed rabbit, and other denizens of the royal pre- 



178 Four Centuries After 

serves, why not allow them to do so, instead 
of making automatic soldiers or anomalies of 
them?" And the echo from yon dismantled 
castle, which had witnessed some "tall " fighting 
" in days of old, when knights were bold," answered, 
interrogatively, " Why not ? " 

I have read our exhaustive 

EUROPEAN ETIQUETTE. . . / 1 • , 1 , 

treatise on etiquette (which tells 
us what we may do and what we may not do in 
polite society — price ten cents) — I have eaten away 
from home on several occasions, and thus feel 
prepared to criticise the liberties taken by the 
European at his hotel table and elsewhere. I will 
not attempt to point out the border-line between 
the natural instincts of man and the dictates of 
custom. I have no doubt, if we were educated 
from childhood up to take our food in the same 
" survival of the fittest " manner observed by swine, 
we would not feel so keenly critical. But I have 
always eaten at a table (save when at a grass 
picnic), and was taught at an early age that it 
is a token of ill-breeding to put one's feet in the 
" trough"; that, no matter how much of a hurry 
we may be in to play hockey or do the chores, we 
should be quiet and graceful in our table move- 
ments. If we see not what we want, or seeing it 
out of our reach, we should ask for it quietly, in 
an aside way — in a word, never to get up and 
crawl over the table for a coveted article ! To 
keep our mouth closed while masticating the food 
therein, opening it to insert a new consignment or 
to make some appropriate want known, or some 



Four Centuries After 179 

timely observation — never to open it for the recep- 
tion of a foot. It goes without saying that I was 
instructed how, when, and where to use the knife, 
and charged that, while an occasion might arise 
permitting the use of the fingers in carrying food 
to the mouth, we should jiever, never use our 
knife for that purpose^save at the risk of being 
socially ostracised. I was taught many other little 
points on how to act at the table, but it must 
already be apparent that I belonged to a highly 
civilized American tribe. 

SMOKE AT THE TABLE ^ sct out with thc Jntcntion of 
AND CHARGE FOR cxposlng somc of the European's 

THE PROGRAMME. • , i 1, J 1 • 

ill manners — bad, accordnig to 
our standard ; but it just occurs to me that, accord- 
ing to this same code, I, as the guest of the people 
I would criticise, may not do so. It would be 
betraying the confidence those people reposed in 
us. I cannot help being grateful toward a people 
who, on several occasions, allowed us to eat our 
dinner before demanding pay for it. So I will not 
condemn them for smoking at the table ; I would, 
however, have praised the ladies for sitting with 
their hats off during the performance at the the- 
atre if the management had not charged for the pro- 
gramme and dragged their performance through 
from six-thirty to eleven p.m. 

CHARMING, YET poLi- I Can't Say enough in praise of 
TIC, CURIOSITY. (-}^g charming way the German 
hotel proprietor has of interviewing the stranger 
who enters his house. He shows a lively interest 
in knowing your nationality, where you just came 



i8o Four Centuries After 

from, what your present business is, and where 
you are going. When I learned that this informa- 
tion is for the Government's edification — that these 
interviews are a part of national policy — I was very 
careful to answer the inquisitors truthfully, and to 
use the same phraseology from day to day, so as 
not to be accused of equivocating. When a Ger- 
man official puts a question to you, you are not 
justified in trying to put him oif with a fishing 
exploit, or like evasive parley. 

At first, this telling the truth 

VERACITY AS A HABIT. , . , , . , 

and nothmg but the truth will 
cause you to act constrainedly, but after a few in- 
terviews (unless you be a confirmed liar) you will 
feel more at ease. Telling the truth, like lying, is 
a habit which, when once acquired, is as easy as 
lying. This truism cannot be demonstrated to a 
liar, unless he be willing to form the habit of 
always telling the truth — this last habit once 
acquired, the demonstration is complete. I antici- 
pate much good to come from a popular exposi- 
tion of this bit of philosophy. Those who have 
alwa)^s supposed their partiality for lying to have 
been a part of their heritage may, on reading this, 
try its efficacy. I would add, in the form of an 
appeal — brethren, being denied the privilege of 
choosing our grandfather, let us console ourselves 
with the thought that we are permitted the choice 
of telling the truth. What a privilege ! and yet 
how few avail of the opportunity. 



PART IV 



I 



WE STEP FROM AN EM- Oil thc moming of Novem- 
piRE INTO A REPUBLIC, ^g^ 30th, tlic Expeditioii fear- 
lessly entered the Republic of Switzerland. We 
understood that she had no standing army (or, 
rather, that her army was rented), so we antici- 
pated an easy conquest. Nevertheless, before 
crossing the line, we carefully inspected our outfit 
to see if it in any way bore even a suggestion of 
Austria — made sure that there were no peacock 
feathers in our hat. We had little doubt what the 
outcome of an engagement would be, yet we did 
not purpose encouraging hostility by flaunting any 
of the hated Austrian's feathers. 
"to ALL WHOM IT Wc wcrc ttot challcngcd until 

MAY CONCERN." -^yg rcachcd Baslc, when we were 
asked by a man in uniform to show our colors. 
With a spread-eagle flourish, we drew forth our 
letter of introduction from Mr. Blaine, and spread 
it out before him. He began reading, " To all 
whom it may concern," etc ; held the document 
up to the light to admire the full-page American 



1 82 Fotir Centuries After 

eagle (with its talons full of William Tail's darts) 
in water print, and then, with an official curiosity, 
turned his attention to our outfit. 

I explained the mechanism of 

OUR SOILED LINEN AND '■ 

STOCK OF GOOD our pedomctcr, of our revolver, 
INTENTIONS. ^^^ Q^j. g^QQ]^ Qf somewhat dam- 

aged good intentions, which he begged us to do- 
nate to the city of Basle to pave her streets with ; 
but I advised him to try asphaltum and cork 
instead. I showed him everything, even to a 
bundle of soiled linen which we were trying to 
keep concealed until we found an opportunity 
to have it boiled and disinfected. He looked 
it over, and said that he would have to run us 
in to the quarantine. I explained that there was 
really nothing infectious about it — that it was 
German soil that made it look suspicious, which 
soil we had thought would be an acceptable dona- 
tion to his little rock-exposed republic. He saw 
the force of my argument, and told us to pass 
on. We passed, not " according to Hoyle," how- 
ever. 

II 

THE THREE KINGS It may not be generally known 

IN A REPUBLIC. ^^^^ ^^g oldcst hotcl In Switzer- 
land, and one of the oldest, if not the oldest, in 
the world, is The Three Kings at Basle. We 
didn't put up at this hotel, though, as I am too 
democratic in my sentiments to look for hospital- 
ity in a hotel bearing such a regal name — it sounds 
like a libel on the Swiss Republic. 



Four Centuries After 183 

WE PREPARE FOR THE I thoroughly admircd the quaint 
GEOLOGIST. ^]-j(^ curious carvings in Basle, and 

on the following morning we started for Zurich. 
It required no effort to believe that we were in 
Switzerland — a land of snow and mountains. 
During the day, the Expedition had great diffi- 
culty to keep the snow from accumulating on the 
bottom of its hob-nailed and iron-heeled shoes : as 
a horseman would put it, the shoes "balled up." 
We would stop at every stone we could find pro- 
truding from out the snow, and stamp and kick 
and — make unbecoming observations on the beauty 
and utility of snow. We should like to hand down 
some of the remarks we made — down to posterity, 
even to the third and fourth generation ; but we 
fear that that good society for the suppression 
of adulterated literature might misunderstand our 
motive. We succeeded in demolishing every stone 
we came to, preparing the way for the geologist 
who is studying the erosive effect of glaciers. 
We don't like to mislead science, neither do we 
like to walk all day on snowballs, like stilts, thus 
endangering the ankles, the neck, and the ultimate 
success of the Expedition. 

During the day our route car- 
ried us over slightly elevated 
ground ; and when we had reached the highest 
point in the path (where the wind seemed to come 
from all points of the compass, but originally 
started from the North Pole) the Expedition was 
observed to grab for its ears as though there was 
fear of their getting away or their exact location 



HYPERBOLICAL EARS. 



Four Centuries After 



being forgotten. This apprehensive movement 
was repeated several times during the day, until at 
night there was no difficulty in finding them, 
although we had some difficulty in establishing 
their identity, they were so badly swollen ; indeed, 
they were so puffed up and exaggerated that when 
the Expedition attempted to lie on its side, that 
night, the head would roll off the ear of that side 
almost as freely as it would have rolled off a guil- 
lotine block at the drop of the knife. 
YOU HAVE HEARD OF Durlng a night at Brugg, I was 
TENNYSON'S BROOK? awakcncd several times in the 
night by the sound of flowing water, which I was 
forced to assume was rain-water running from the 
eaves, although I knew that when I was last out- 
of-doors it was by far too cold to permit of a rain- 
fall. I was filled with apprehension when I 
thought of what must be the result of a rain on 
the then painful walking. I was very much re- 
lieved in the morning, though, when I found that 
the flowing water was coming from the ground 
instead of the heavens. A stream of pure, cold 
spring-water was flowing through the house on 
every floor from cellar to attic — not spasmodically 
during the dry season, like the action of Croton 
water from a faucet on the top floor up in Harlem 
a few years since, but full and steady, on and on, 
like the brook to which Tennyson has called our 
attention and which I refer to by permission of 
his publishers. Flowing water is particularly 
plentiful here in Brugg, the town being situated at 
the confluence of the three rivers : Limmat, Reuss, 



Four Centuries After 185 

and Aar ; still, I find that there is a barrel of 
beer on tap in the hotel. 

Ill 

A PAIN WE SHALL CALL Thc poet ofteo refers to a 
"nameless." nameless pain. I don't know 
what he means, but I suspect he wishes to call our 
attention to a distress the exact location of which 
it would not be aesthetically correct to^mention in 
a poem, or a drawing-room, or a serious work like 
this. The Expedition met with one of these pains 
this morning. We were making an imprudent 
sally around a mountain side of uncertain foot- 
hold when — something happened ! On looking 
around, we found that the Expedition had met with 
another one of its phenomenal falls. 

We have thoroughly investi- 

KOW ARE WE TO FALL => ^ 

gracefully and gated " the Rise and Fall of the 
PAINLESSLY? p^^^j^ Rcpublic," thinking their 

experience might give us some points on this pain- 
ful subject, as we knew the Dutchmen to be very 
deliberate in their movements — and we reasoned 
that deliberation in falling must have much to 
recommend it to an enterprise that is doomed to 
fall from once to 'steen times a day. We found 
nothing that would answer our purpose, as we 
ascertained that the Dutch Republic never reached 
any great altitude, physically, and its fall is not to 
be compared with some of the falls the Expedition 
has sustained. Delsarte affords no practical ad- 
vice in a case of this kind, as his pupils are taught 



1 86 Four Centuries After 



to fall on a level surface, where they are prone to 
lie (or lie prone) as evidence of their fall. Now, 
the Expedition rarely " listeth where it falleth," 
but instead, shoots off at a tangent and brings up 
later on in the vague beyond. Those were the 
exact lines it described in its ejaculatory course 
this morning ; and that point of its anatomy which 
received the staccato impact of the fall was what 
would be called in architecture its rear elevation. 
The resulting pain, the policy of the Expedition 
has seen fit to call " nameless." 

DELICACY IN THE Thc rcadcr will at once appre- 

FACE OF " REALISM." giatc thls dcUcacyin the face of 
the prevailing realism — when a leg is called a leg 
— and will turn to a fly-leaf and make a long note 
on this literary departure. 

At another time, just at the 

THE NICE REASONING " •• 

OF AN UNBEFOGGED crltlcal momcnt when we were 
BRAIN. grasping another scintillating but 

elusive idea, we realized that the feet of the Ex- 
pedition were on the brink of an almost bottom- 
less pit. This was a very critical moment, and 
required great presence of mind, quick decision, 
and immediate action ! The situation was this : 
A projecting crag offered us a support until we 
could regain our foothold, but to accept this kind 
support (offered, as it would seem, by a special 
act of Providence), necessitated our loosing our 
grasp of the precious thought we had in hand — 
which meant the loss to the intellectual world of 
an inspiration that would have covered, say, an 
octavo page or two, and would have rendered 



Four Centuries After 187 



many a fireside intensely brilliant for a few mo- 
ments. Would it be noble to lose so much to the 
world to save a paltry life ? No ! And we were 
about to slip down, down, into a snowy grave, 
clinging to our " last production " and the hope of 
an ample reward, when it occurred to us that, 
even should we make this generous sacrifice of a 
life as resolved, we would be acting very much 
like the man (unable to see more than one side of 
a proposition at a time) who jumped from a 
sinking ship into the sea with the ship's anchor in 
his arms, and the vision of the precious gold it 
would bring him at Simpson's junk-shop. 

Here was a striking illustration in mental phi- 
losophy, showing the nice lightning-like working 
of an unbefogged mind. With feet slipping on the 
brink of an awful abyss, the mind remained faith- 
ful and accurate in its workings, and in an incredi- 
bly brief space of time decided a question that 
would have kept a grand jury out about eleven 
hours. The working of a great brain is not only 
interesting, but sometimes the gross results are 
overpowering — particularly so when it is your 
own brain that is working. 

IV 

THE SWISS POST CAR- Whllc mailing a parcel of 
RiEs LIVE MALES, printed matter at Brugg, I was re- 
minded of the well-known fact that the Swiss post 
not only agrees to deliver your letter, but will 
undertake to deliver yourself, too, if asked to do 



:8S Four Centuries After 



so. This seems, at first sight, a very happy 
arrangement. Think of being stamped and ad- 
dressed " To Miss AngeUc Romantic, Neuchatel, 
Switzerland," and then sitting down and passively 
awaiting delivery. You may never have seen or 
heard of your lady consignee, but coming to her 
as you would, by post, would she not be justified 
in receiving you with open arms, and without any 
preliminary introduction ? As you would be in the 
hands of the postal service, you would be expected 
to act submissively, and be delivered as per ad- 
dress, or returned to sender " if not called for 
within ten days.' But the Swiss post's method of 
delivering their real males may not be just as I 
have pictured it. I have never been transmitted 
by post, and should never submit to being sent to 
a miss who was a perfect stranger— such a miss 
might not be as good as a mile — in an opposite 
direction. 

V 

TVROLESE MANTLE Duriug thc aftcmoon of De- 

AND BUCKSKIN LEG- ccmbcr 3d, wc travcrsc the lovely 
^^^'^^- valley of the Limmat to Zurich, 

the " intellectual capital " of Switzerland — the 
"Athens of the Limmat." Here we are to rest 
for a few days while a Tyrolese mantle and buck- 
skin leggings are being made. The gentleman 
who is to construct them was a resident of New 
York City for some fifteen years, and the story of 
his experience in the New World was told me in a 
very graphic manner. It contains a wholesome 



Four Centuries After 



lesson for the ambitious young man of to-day ; so, 
without really asking the permission of the reader, 
I will bring it in here. 

HIS HOME WAS TOO While Dut 2i mere boy, his 

FULL OF PAIN. father (at the instigation of his 

mother) gave him a most profound thrashing. 
He could not brook such energetic precept ; it 
not only stung at the point of contact, but a sense 
of injustice rankled in his little heart. He re- 
solved to go from beneath this " guiding and 
restraining hand " — to leave the paternal stone- 
laden roof, and fly to the land of the free and 
the retreat for anarchists and the propagator of 
contagious diseases. 

HIS WILL AND HIS Thus, but half-flcdgcd, he lit 

.STOMACH. Qyj. fj-om the parent nest, and, 

with a sturdy heart and a few little trinkets tied 
in a cotton handkerchief (of course), he stowed 
himself away in the cargo of a transatlantic ship, 
which bore him in due time (for a wonder) to the 
shore of his adopted country. During the voyage 
he faltered on several occasions (while his little 
stomach was rejecting what he could ill afford to 
lose), when he would gladly have submitted to 
home treatment — but it was too late ; and one 
day he found himself in a strange cit}'-, in a strange 
country, surrounded by people who did not seem, 
or care, to understand him. 

At first he had a hard time of 

THE "pin RACKET." . i i i • 1 1 

It ; but before long he had picked 
up a few words of Columbian, and a batch of 
American ideas, and with this capital he made his 



19° Four Centuries After 

real start in life. This was at the time, he said, 
when the " pin racket " was being worked — when 
a young- man who wanted a job would enter a 
business house and, hat in hand, inquire for the 
proprifetor. When (after respectfully standing 
around for a long time, and being stared at by the 
office boy) he finally got an audience with the 
" old man," he would, while approaching his 
would-be employer, and while yet at an effectual 
distance, stoop and pick up a pin, and thus, by 
this ingenious display of industry, he was sure of 
an opening. Alas ! for the office-seeking boy of 
to-day, this idea has gone entirely out of vogue — 
it has been worked until " it doesn't pan out 
enough to pay for washing." The great financier 
of to-day is too far-seeing to be deceived by such a 
ruse, and when a young applicant stoops in front 
of him to pick up a pin, a suspender button, or to 
tie his shoe, while he (a man whose every moment 
is worth, maybe, many and many dollars) waits, he 
meets the misguided youth with a curt " No ! " 
which dissipates all hope of carrying the appeal to 
a higher court. 

Our transplanted Swiss at last succeeded in find- 
ing an opening (he didn't say whether he found it 
with a pin or used a can-opener) — he found an 
opening, a mere crack at first, but in the course 
of time he found a capacious entree to a highly 
respectable business, and, in time, owned a con- 
trolling interest in this business. He also con- 
trolled several votes, which rendered his foothold 
in New York much firmer and more secure. He 



Four Centuries After 191 

winked when he imparted this information, which 
set me to thinking. 

With a modest measure of 

HOM£ AGAIN — THE 

CALF— A WIFE— Wealth came a desire to revisit 

SHORN SAMSON. ^J^g pj^^g ^f J^jg |^jj.^J^_ r^^^ ^^^^ 

he thought of home and its bright spots, here and 
there between thrashing times, the stronger the de- 
sire to be back again took hold of him — to forgive 
all and make an ostentatious display of his wealth. 
He recrossed the ocean ; this time occupying the 
place of honor opposite the captain at the table, 
to whom he never grew tired of telling his experi- 
ence down in the hold, on his trip to America. 
At home, the proverbial calf cutlet was served, 
and adventures recounted. As he was still un- 
married, he became the prey of designing mothers 
and bold maidens, but one young lady, of a modest 
and retiring nature, captured the prize. He had 
intended to return to America after a brief absence, 
but his wife (yes, he married her) could not bear 
the thought of crossing an ocean to a strange 
people ; so he reluctantly disposed of his business 
in America, and opened up in Zurich — and here we 
found him, happy in his family, but longing for 
the push of American enterprise. 

As he was a member of the 

WOULD PERISH IN AT- 
TEMPTING TO MAKE Alpine Club, I asked him his 

THE PASS. candid opinion as to the possi- 

bility of a man with good long legs getting through 
the pass of the St. Gothard. He said that it was 
utterly impassable — that no one had thought of 
attempting to make it during the winter months 



192 Four Centuries After 

since the opening of the tunnel beneath, and that 
one would be sure to perish in an attempt. He 
afterward saw and talked with other members of 
the club, and they all agreed with him in regard 
to the supposed condition of the pass. 

At our hotel, I met a man who 

THEY ALL AGREE THAT ' 

IT can't be done— had acted as commercial agent for 
we'll see ! ^ leading business house in Zurich 

during the preceding twelve years, and claimed to 
know every pass in Switzerland as well as he knew 
his pocket ; and he felt just as positive as the 
members of the Alpine Club that we would find 
making the pass, at that season of the year, beyond 
human power of endurance. I exhibited the legs 
of the Expedition, which excited unbounded ad- 
miration — even caused the barmaid to smile ; but 
he persisted in holding that even so long and 
cunningly moulded legs as we had chosen, and 
pinned our faith on, could not carry us through 
the pass. To all of which I rejoined, " We'll 
see ! " 



VI 



BRUSHING AWAY a 



I found the arsenal in Zurich 
tear-i ASK, WHYNOT vcry intcrcsting. It was here I 

LET HIM live ? i.t.^■^T^^■ r,-. , 1 > 1 i) 

saw " William I ells cross-bow. 
William is dead ; and despite this convincing cross- 
bow, a species of vandal is trying to render him 
deader. Alas ! (and right here I will venture to 
say alas ! that I am called upon to use alas ! so 
often) alas ! even fame gives no assurance of 



Four Centuries After 193 

immortality. And still another noble lesson is 
being shattered and thrown to the ground ! It is 
true that nearly every country has had its William 
Tell, but one alone lives in the mind of the 
average boy up our way — but one noble, daring 
William Tell, and his son looking trustingly up 
into his father's determined face. What a lesson 
for the youth of to-day ! Where is the son who 
would stand unflinchingly while his father blazed 
away at the apple with the cross-bow of to-day ? 
The confidence of the son of to-day would come 
from the assurance that his father would hit 
neither the apple nor his trusting child, and not 
from the belief that the. archer could hit an apple 
as large as a barn. Yes, times have changed, or 
else I have been mistaken. 

In the city library, the most 

zwingle's bible. . ■ 1 1 T 

uiterestuig book 1 saw was the 
Greek Bible of Ulrich Zwingle ; not that I could 
read it, but from its associations. I always have 
a certain kind of admiration for a man who has 
the courage — moral or physical — to stand up and 
denounce fraud and extortion. Zwingle believed 
that the people were paying too much for their 
indulgences. Some one has irreverently said that 
he favored "quick sales and small profits." This 
is ridiculous, of course, as he makes his purpose 
quite clear in his ten propositions, and the courage 
with which he defended his ground ought to go as 
evidence of. his sincerity, although religious zeal, 
of all enterprises, seems to be the most blinding 
to human wants and needs. 
(13) 



194 Four Centuries After 

ZURICH'S FOUNTAINS ^ut thc most iiitercsting feature 

AND PERPENDICULAR of Zurich IS hcr old fountains, 
which play the year around. No 
city father tells them when they may or may not 
go out to play, but a higher authority has them 
in charge — the Maker of the mountain whence 
they draw their supply of crystal water. I also 
admire the pitch of some of her streets. We 
descended one that stood (the street stood) at an 
angle of not quite i8o degrees — and then we 
threatened to put in a bill for street cleaning. 

VII 

Early on the morning of De- 

A MOUNTAIN SPUR. , , „ ,. . , - 

cember 6th, the Expedition left 
Zurich for Zug. For a time our course lay along 
the margin of Lake Zurich, but in a few hours it 
trended westward and led up the sloping side of 
the Albis, which chain of mountains had to be 
crossed. We thought to save time by leaving the 
clearly defined path and taking a more direct 
course, carrying us across a spur of considerable 
magnitude. I will explain right here, for the 
understanding of those readers who have formed 
their notion of what a spur is from their geog- 
raphy, and that implement of war on the old 
rooster, that a spur is not a small pointed affair on 
which point the traveller is in danger of falling 
and actually being impaled. It is a sort of an 
annex to the principal range of mountains, and 
for whose point the traveller may search a long 



Four Centuries After 195 

time and not find — unless his foot should slip and 
he be involuntarily borne to observe that a spur, 
although not itself a point, has more points than 
are ascribed to a mariner's compass. In conversa- 
tion we often fail to see a point, unless force is 
used in directing our attention to it ; and thus, in 
a drawing-room, where it is not permissible to 
get up and emphasize one's points with physical 
force, said points often fall short of the mark, and 
the fattening joke is lost to the listener, who pas- 
sively sits with a smile as expressionless as though 
it had no brain-backing, and wonders what the 
speaker is driving at, anyhow. 

SOONER OR LATER, I^ this, our first expericncc with 

SOMEWHERE (?). ^n Alpiuc spur of any pretence, 
we had nearly everything pertaining to it to learn : 
so in our sublime ignorance we boldly left the 
path and struck out, intending to steer the Expe- 
dition by compass alone, after the style of the 
bold mariner, reasoning that, if we held a straight 
course due south (deviating now and then a point 
or so of the compass to avoid a point of the 
mountain), we would arrive sooner or later at 
another beaten path leading somewhere. This, of 
course, was a little vague — but such are the vicis- 
situdes of a great explorer. 

WE HEAR SOMETHING Wc hadu't procccded far when 
DROP again! we began to suspect that it would 

have been by great odds the shorter way around. 
Distances were cruelly deceptive, while the Expe- 
dition was trying to annihilate them with a pure, 
glistening snow, reaching anywhere from the 



196 Four Centuries After 



Expedition's knees to its chin, but we were 
undismayed by what to many would have been a 
disheartening situation — we pushed on ; now over 
crevasses, whose depths were not at all inviting ; 
now climbing up a short declivity, and then expe- 
ditiously descending another ; again in the yielding 
snow to the depth, maybe, of six feet (?) ; then 
emerging to a spot where the wind had blown 
away the snow down to ice, that offered the Expe- 
dition a most glorious start in life, for no telling 
where. It was on one of these last-cited spots 
that the Expedition met its Waterloo — where the 
mountain side had been tilted to such an angle 
that it nearly rubbed against the ear of the Expe- 
dition ; the wind had brushed the snow away as 
clean as if it had been paid for the job — to a 
degree that would have put the New York Street 
Cleaning Commissioner to shame. The Expedition 
was carefully feeling its way around this spot, 
when, " all at once, and nothing at first," something 
was heard to drop t * * * 
"NO VISIBLE MEANS lu vcstigatlon (somewhat em- 

OF SUPPORT." barrassed by difficulties) disclosed 
the fact that the Expedition had lost its equilibrium, 
and for a time had " had no visible means of sup- 
port," as is said of the widow ; but, obeying a 
common law of nature, was gravitated down the 
mountain side to a place of rest. Fleeting 
glimpses of it could be had as it made its extem- 
poraneous descent. The sequence of events, how- 
ever, transpiring between the time of departure 
and time of arrival at the lower terminus of our 



Four Centuries After 197 



downward career, would sometimes get a little 
confused ; nevertheless, we gleaned many facts in 
physics — we also gleaned much snow down the 
back of our neck, and in sundry other places. 
INVESTIGATING CER- All thls rcqulrcd no great 

TAIN PHENOMENA. physlcal cffort On the part of 
the Expedition, so we set about investigating cer- 
tain phenomena. " Change of place is motion," 
was frightfully evident, and, " A body set in motion 
will move forward in a straight line unless acted 
on by some other force," was no less evident a 
providential law. After a descent of four hundred 
feet, and possibly a few inches — lightly touching 
at points of interest en route, as a coasting 
steamer might put it, the Expedition brought up 
in a bank of snow of unknown depth. Here 
a gross weight of about two hundred pounds 
avoirdupois had fallen a distance of four hundred 
feet — seemingly an extravagant dissipation of 
energy, without the least recompense. Yet there 
was reason in all this ; as though Providence had 
been its guide, the Expedition found that it had 
landed within a few feet of a well-beaten path, 
which, by a few minutes' walk, brought us to a 
small town, where reckonings were taken, and a 
new departure made. 

WE ENCOUNTER A I Tclatcd thls uarrow escape to 

PROFESSOR. ^ professor who was carrying on 

his geological researches in the Alps, and whom I 
met at the Hotel Bellevue, Andermatt. He at 
once inquired how I had determined the distance 
of our fall with such nicety in so inaccessible a 



198 Foicr Cetituries After 

place as I had described. I hadn't calculated on 
this query, and it nearly carried me off my feet. 

I will say rio^ht here, for the 

DON T TRY TO LIFT -' 45 ' 

YOURSELF OUT BY bcnefit of thosc who have always 
YOUR BOOT-STRAPS. ^^^ ^ geuevous and not over- 
critical audience (such as is usually found about 
the stove of a country store), that my experience 
teaches me it is well to examine closely one's 
experiences for flaws before one hoists them on a 
professor, who likes nothing better than to put 
the unscientific recounter to a chemical test. 
Just so sure as one loses his ladder, or rope, or 
what not, and attempts in his bewilderment to 
lift himself out of his deep predicament by his 
boot-straps, the professor will brighten up and 
observe : " Let's see ; you said you lifted yourself 
out by your boot-straps ? I'll make a note of 
that," as though he were going to subject it to a 
test. Here the recounter becomes confused, and 
feels that in some way he has made himself ridic- 
ulous ; whereas, in case of doubt, had he gone to 
the seclusion of his chamber before relating his 
exploit, read his physics, and, standing before the 
mirror, tested the availability of his boot-straps 
in an emergency, he would have avoided the em- 
barrassing box his short-sightedness and the pro- 
fessor's long-sightedness got him in. 

In my predicament I hastily reviewed my studies 
in physics, and so promptly did my mental facul- 
ties respond to the call, the professor seemed not 
to have noticed my slight hesitancy in meeting 
his query. 



Four Centuries After 199 

I CHASTISE THE PRO- " Ah, profcssor, you make me 
FEssoR. very happy ; I began to think 

that I shouldn't have the opportunity of display- 
ing my knowledge of physics. You see, as I 
began my perilous and impromptu descent, it 
occurred to me that I might have the pleasure of 
relating my little exploit to some learned man 
[here the professor smiled blandly and bowed in 
acknowledgment of my nicely turned compli- 
ment], so I bethought me to enter into detailed 
observations. With this (which, mind you, oc- 
curred to me at the very outset of my downward 
career — I'm not referring to my moral decline), I 
deftly carried my right hand to my left wrist, and, 
locating the radial artery, began industriously to 
count its pulsations. I am usually calm and col- 
lected on the most trying occasions — save when 
talking on scientific subjects [this for the pro- 
fessor], so I was not surprised to find my pulse 
throbbing almost as regularly as it would had I 
been 'kinder loafing around' in the shade, of a 
summer's afternoon ; and, notwithstanding many 
doubtful attitudes I assumed en route, I lost not a 
throb. When I gathered myself up I looked 
around to see if a mountain spur had been broken 
off or simply a spur of my anatomy — I felt sure 
there had been a break in the continuity of some- 
thing — and, having taken an inventory of my watch, 
my compass, alpine-stock, my tourist's bag, my 
flask, my mental faculties, and minor apparati 
belonging to our outfit, I carefully set about to 
compute the space I had passed through. Know- 



Four Centuries After 



ing the number of pulsations my heart made in a 
minute, and adding a few throbs thereto for pos- 
sibly slightly accelerated pulse, I soon determined 
the time that had been occupied in my downward 
flight. Then I took into consideration the law 
governing a falling body. In my case it seemed 
as though it was an unruly law that had my fall- 
ing body in charge, but this was doubtless an 
error of personal equation. In working this thing 
out, I had to take into account a slightly impeded 
course — the two or three protuberances on the 
mountain-side which had come in contact with 
the, or my, falling body. By carefully feeling 
those places on my anatomy which had received 
the impact of these mountain-side protuberances 
(not taking into account the contused area on my 
anatomy marking my final lighting-place), I could 
estimate by their degree of tenderness the gross 
amount of retarded momentum said falling body 
had sustained. After a vast deal of figuring, I 
satisfied myself as to the space my comet-like pas- 
sage had described in English feet and inches." 

Here I looked defiantly at the professor, as 
much as to say : " There, will you ever attempt 
to overhaul me again ?" His face bore a striking 
likeness to that of a drivelling idiot ! 
WE CHEERFULLY CON- Thc falls cxperienccd by the 
TRIBUTE TO SCIENCE. Expedltlon wlll scrvc as nice- 
working hypotheses for the geologist in his attempt 
to elucidate the violent changes that have taken 
place from time to time in the configuration of the 
earth's surface. Is this clear to the reader ? What 



Four Centuries After 



I wish to state is, that these extemporaneous and 
reluctant alpine descents made by the Expedition 
suggest to our somewhat contused brain a possible 
explanation for the absence of a mountain spur 
here and the presence of the demoralized or frag- 
mentary remains of erratic ruminating and migrat- 
ing homo, and the debris of other mammalia in 
the lower regions. 

Would the reader like a ray of 

BEAUTIFUL TRUTHS IN -' 

A TENACIOUS NUT- calclum light thrown on this sub- 
^^^^^- ject ? It's one thing to know 

what you want to say, but it's quite another thing 
to be able to select and arrange just such words 
and exclamation points as shall clearly express 
one's thoughts to the mind of a mixed audience. 
If my readers had, one and all, received a thor- 
ough training in geology, I could make this thing 
appear as clear to them as the molecular theory 
in chemistry. But here comes in the disadvantage 
of not educating the public up to a certain stand- 
ard. We come across one who knows it all, and 
another who " doesn't know a little bit," as the 
popular poetic saying goes ; thus handicapped, 
one who would make clear to all alike the beauti- 
ful truths wrapped up in science is left about the 
same as speechless. 



VIII 

CONVERTING WATER lu our hotcl at Zug — thc Hdtel 

INTO ELECTRICITY. ^^ ^^"^^^ ^^^ j^^^ PefistOH (whatcvcr 

that may be) — my attention was called to one of 



Four Centuries After 



the many uses to which the ever-flowing water is 
put in this, the grandest, in a perpendicular sense, 
of all countries, namely, that of illumination. 

This hotel is brilliantly lighted at a merely 
nominal expense ; the cost of the plant, keeping it 
in repair, and the care of the dynamo, which can 
be intrusted to almost any one possessing the sim- 
plest knowledge of electricity, including " when 
and where to 'monkey 'with it." The contract- 
ing effect of electricity on the protoplasm, particu- 
larly the playful and evanescent little fellow called 
the amoeba, should be explained in a few well- 
chosen scientific terms, as a want of this simple 
knowledge has often resulted in depriving a fam- 
ily of one of its members, and sometimes of its 
only visible means of support. 

From Zug, on the morrow, 

THE MOUNTAINS °' ' 

BECKON US ON Dcccmber yth, we turned our 
AND on! fg^^g toward Schwytz, our path 

skirting the east shore of Lake Zug. The scenery 
along our route keeps the Expedition thoroughly 
alive all day. We have mountains for constant 
companions — there are several going our way — ■ 
that is, they keep just a little in advance of the 
Expedition, as though acting our body guard. 
This is by no means our first acquaintance with 
mountains, but is the first time we ever approached 
them by our present means of locomotion. When 
one approaches a far-seeing mountain at the speed 
of from thirty to forty miles an hour, and this, too, 
while sitting in an easy-cushioned chair — you don't 
notice her — the mountain's — shy, coy way ; but 



Four Centuries After 203 

attempt to approach her on legs — on legs of your 
own, be you ever so ardent, you will have your 
attention called to her elusive ways several times 
during the day, and again as dinner-time grows 
apace. This phenomenon will be more apparent 
to those persons who have been following ant- 
hills all their lives. It is exasperating to walk all 
day just at the foot of a mountain, as, if you were 
working a treadmill — a mountain which you prom- 
ised yourself in the morning you would cross — 
maybe eat your noon-day meal just on the other 
side ; while instead, at night, you find yourself just 
on this side — the identical side which you have been 
admiring all day until an empty stomach and lagging 
feet enter a protest against so much admiration and 
so little attention to the animal. It is not every day 
that an expedition has such travelling companions 
as the Righi and the Pilatus, while, on the other 
hand, it is not every day that a great expedition 
passes within hailing distance of aforesaid peaks 
— a pretty even exchange of honors, I take it. 



IX 



don't TELL ME THERE Toward night we reached 
WAS NEVEK A TELL ! Schwytz, lu thc cautou of that 
name, and from which sprang the collective title 
of the Swiss Republic. Truly, we are approach- 
ing the home of William Tell. The person who 
can walk from Schwytz, along the Bay of Uri, to 
Altorf, and not feel ennobling emotions, had best 
be watched by some detective bureau. I wouldn't 



AWFULLY GRAND 1 



204 Four Ce?ituries After 

trust such a person with my silver plate, for fear 
he wouldn't resist the temptation to break it up — 
and meet with pewter and disappointment. 

The roadway from Brunnen to 
Fliielen is cut nearly all the way 
in the solid rock — a long, narrow shelf in the face 
of a perpendicular cliff, from which the traveller 
looks directly down on the surface of the lake. 
At several points the roadway is tunnelled through 
the rock, and through the lake side of the tunnels 
are cut arched openings like the windows of a dis- 
mantled cathedral, and through which one may 
lean and look out over the lake many feet below, 
the gentle breaking of whose waves this vaulted 
chamber catches and exaggerates into a confusion 
of silvery tinkles. After you enter this roadway 
at Brunnen, you see no easy way out until you 
reach Fliielen, at the foot of the lake. After the 
Expedition had traversed this road for a distance, 
we found it contained quantities of snow, ice, and 
bowlders, that had become detached from above ; 
and we saw several bowlders, weighing a few tons, 
nicely poised above us as though awaiting our 
martial tread to bring them down on us, though it 
may be these same threatening missiles had re- 
tained this same menacing attitude for ages. As 
we saw no track of man or beast in the snow, we 
began to suspect that we had taken the path in- 
tended for summer travel only, but we saw no way 
out save by advancing, so we kept on ; but we 
stepped very carefully, and kept an expectant eye 
on the debris stuck on the face of the cliff above 



Foitr Centuries After 205 

our path. Midway between Brunnen and Fliielen 
we came to William Tell's chapel, " where a small 
ledge of rocks, still pointed out as ' Tell's plat- 
form,' presented the only landing place for an 
extent of several miles ; the steersman succeeded 
in leaping on shore and effecting his escape. The 
Voght also escaped the storm, but only to meet 
a fate more signal from Tell's bow, in the narrow 
pass near Kiissnacht." 

"GASTHAuszuM Rcachiug Altorf, we put up at 

wiLHELM TELL." thc Gastkuus zutii Wilhelm Tell, 
Schoner grosser schatiiger Biergarten Mittagessen 
von Fr. 1.50 an — Zummer zwn Fr. i — bis Fr. 1.50. 
IV. Muller- Vonderach. There you have it, in a 
nutshell. Very modest, you will see ; and you 
may inquire why we didn't choose a more preten- 
tious hotel. Because this was the only Gasthaus 
zum Wilhelm Tell in Altorf. We should have 
been tempted to accept the accommodation of 
any place bearing that name — even a pigsty. 
PROPER TRAINING lu thc momlug, as the Expedi- 

wiLLTELL. \\Qx^. was passing through the 

streets, it halted before a colossal statue, in wood, 
of William Tell. Yes, we were really in Altorf, 
in the Canton of Uri — Uri, the home of indepen- 
dence ! It was between the men of the three 
Lands — Uri, Schwytz, and Unterwalden — that the 
"Everlasting League " was first made. A com- 
pact entitled the " Everlasting League " speaks 
of a spirit of determination which seems never 
to have wavered. At Morgarten, and again at 
Sempach, they bore out this determination to 



2o6 Four Centuries After 

resist the authority of the Austrian. Arnold's 
cry : " I will make way for you, confederates — 
provide for my wife and children — honor our 
race ! " can never be better understood than while 
standing in the presence of all this natural gran- 
deur. While we stood thus contemplating, we were 
surrounded by, we should say, all the young Swiss 
of the canton, who we suspected were getting 
ready to attack the Expedition with snow-balls — 
and we could almost feel the snow pack in our 
ears and slip down the back of our neck. Thus 
expectantly, we turned to move on, and as we did 
so we were greeted with — what do you suppose, 
my young American reader ? Yes, you, too, 
would have expected snow-balls — snow-balls that 
had been packed and dipped in water the night 
before. We are wrong, this time— instead of a 
fusillade of snow, one and all of this group of 
young Tells respectfully raised their caps and 
then quietly dispersed. The shock was almost as 
great as iced snow-balls would have been. We 
couldn't understand this. 'There was nothing in 
our make-up that would have elicited such treat- 
ment in an American village. Could it be that 
this was the result of Swiss training ? 



X 



MORE ECSTATIC RAV- 



We leave Altorf and continue 

iNG. on up the valley of the Reuss. 

It is a calm, cold morning, and the Expedition 

tramps briskly along whistling a martial air, in 



Four Centuries After 207 

which its shoes join with a sharp responsive chirp. 
As yet, not a sunbeam has entered this deep nar- 
row valley ; and we look out of shade, almost as 
deep as twilight, to distant mountain-tops whose 
eastern sides are illuminated by a brilliant band of 
gold. In a few moments the gilding has reached 
the western confines of the valley, and is creeping 
down from crag to crag, until our way is bathed 
in a flood of sunlight and bespangled with myriads 
of dazzling gems. All day we trudged through 
inspiring scenery. At one place the valley nar- 
rows down until it is hardly more than a ravine ; 
then again it expands into a wide plain, seemingly 
without any entrance or exit, and through which 
the shimmering Reuss can be seen taking its erratic 
course. Here and there, against the sides of the 
valley, in a setting of snow of vivid whiteness, 
an Alpine home can be seen nestling, and at 
greater intervals we see a cluster of houses, from 
out which a spire protrudes ; and, farther up, there 
stretches a long-drawn village, lying like a " burnt 
seam " against the snow-clad mountain-side. Now 
the thin silvery tones of the church bells drop 
down into the valley from one side, then from 
another, swelling and receding, echoing and re- 
echoing, until their source loses its identity, and 
the lone traveller is lost in an ecstasy of admira- 
tion and bewilderment. 

Toward night the Reuss has 

DO YOU REMEMBER? . 

dwmdled to a mere mountain tor- 
rent ; now fretting over a narrow bed of rocks, 
sparkling in the sunlight ; now a foaming cascade, 



2o8 Four Centuries After 

ever growing smaller and more musical as we 
approach its source in the upper Alps. The heat 
of the afternoon sun, confined to the lower valley, 
melts the snow until there is the chatter of water 
everywhere. Can you recall those bright balmy 
days in April, when the warming sun's rays were 
reducing lagging snow-banks to tinkling stream- 
lets — when the merry sound of flowing water 
might be heard along the most insignificant hill- 
side — when, as a boy, those promises of spring so 
filled you with joy and goodness, duty became a 
pleasure, and you let Hank's, or the other fellow's, 
offence go unpunished ? AVell, it is these ever- 
present Alpine streams that recall many such an 
April day of a certain past, and between the past 
and the present, this occasion is made one that 
can never be forgotten. 



XI 



WE ENCOUNTER AN 



I am keeping an eye alert for a 
IBEX !-iN OUR MIND, chamols or a stray ibex, but for 
some reason they fail to show up. It may be that 
the formidable appearance of the Expedition has 
frightened them off — they are said to be very shy 
in the presence of strangers. On the whole, it may 
be as well that we are not permitted to encounter 
either of these animals. I can picture the awkward- 
ness of a situation wherein an ibex, with horns 
almost as long as the Matterhorn, stands in the 
path of the Expedition. I loathe to shed the blood 
of an innocent creature, particularly if it be large 



Four Centuries After 209 

and formidable. I also loathe to have my own 
blood shed — I need what little I have. With all 
this loathing, the progress of the Expedition might 
have been arrested for some time, had an ibex ap- 
peared in our path. 

"they HAD NO We are informed that "the few 

WINGS." endemic species of mammalia 

found in the Alps, are chiefly small rodentia and 
insectivora, which can multiply rapidly in the 
midst of a large and increased human population." 
This is putting it very modestly, indeed. The 
discovery we made in the dead of a night in 
Switzerland, led me to believe that a something 
belonging to the animal kingdom (though residing 
in a republic) was epidemic, and that the insecti- 
vora referred to were not performing their con- 
tract. The species we encountered was not so 
coy as the ibex ; we found that they were even dis- 
posed to get right in bed with a perfect stranger — 
they introduced themselves. I judged that they, 
too, would multiply rapidly in the midst of a large 
and increasing human population. 



XII 



THE VISCOUS AND 



The management of the Expe- 
PLASTic THEORY." ditiou was vcry sorry that it was 
unable to investigate fairly the " viscous and 
plastic theory " of James Forbes, as applied to 
the glacier, and her graceful yet deliberate move- 
ments down the mountain-side. I wanted to 
examine a piece of ice that was viscous and plastic. 
(14) 



Four Centuries After 



All ice that has come in sudden contact with my 
anatomy seemed to have the property of a solid, 
in an exalted degree. I believe that a small area 
of plastic, and not necessarily viscous ice, would be 
just the thing to learn to skate on. I well recollect 
the ice I learned to skate on. It wasn't plastic. In 
the course of a short time it contained stars of all 
magnitudes ; the collection included a dog star, a 
Venus and Adonis, constellations, dippers and 
bears — stars that had gotten into the profession 
through a back window or by high kicking — the 
field of ice was literally strewn with stars, but 
there wasn't a garter in sight. 

THE IMPORTANCE OF ^r. ^ Croll's thcory of the 

COOPERATION. glaclcr's movement has helped 
us very much to elucidate the phenomenon of the 
Expedition's course down a mountain-side. He, 
Dr. Croll (the dear old soul), says in his "Climate 
and Time" : "As the glacier cannot expand later- 
ally on account of the walls of its channel, and as 
gravitation opposes its expansion up the valley, it 
necessarily finds relief by a downward movement 
— a direction in which gravitation cooperates " — 
almightily, as we will venture to add. In lieu of 
a better illustration, this reference to a glacier's 
movements may be applied to the persistent down- 
ward movement of the Expedition. It is true that 
the Expedition can, in an emergency, expand a 
little laterally — it has done so on several occasions 
when we were living on the American plan. It is 
positively true that, as gravitation opposes the 
expansion of the Expedition up the valley, it (the 



Four Centuries After 



Expedition), following the same law governing 
the glacier, finds relief (after a fashion) by a down- 
ward movement — the direction in which gravita- 
tion" never fails to cooperate. We must not over- 
look the importance of this cooperation of gravi- 
tation — its assistance is something astonishing ; in 
fact, the operations of gravitation so outshine all 
other physical operations, I believe it would be no 
more than just to leave off the qualifying " co," 
and speak simply of the operations of gravitation. 
I believe in justice, and rendering unto Csesar, 
etc. 

XIII 



THE HOISTING PROP- 



The Expedition claims to be 
ERTiEs OF CHEESE. an authorlty on Schweitzerkase. 
We have seen it growing in its native clime — or 
we should say climb, as much of the material can 
be had only by climbing for it — and we have 
thoroughly tested its lifting powers. AVhen we 
resolved that we would attempt to march through 
the Alps, we saw that we would have to look 
about for an aliment possessing great lifting prop- 
erties. We stumbled on to the alluring statement 
that a pound of very ordinary cheese, " completely 
oxidized in the human body, produces a force 
equal to two thousand seven hundred and four 
foot-tons '' — 2,704 foot-tons ! Can you compre- 
hend the astonishing significance of such a force, 
fellow-economist ? One pound of cheese impart- 
ing a force of 2,704 foot-tons ! You appreciate 
the magnitude of 2,704 feet when looking from 



Four Centuries After 



such an altitude, and you doubtless have a notion 
of the crushing weight of a ton ? 
FIGURATIVELY SPEAK- You Hiay bc ablc to grasp the 
iNG, ONLY. full import of such' a statement, 

but I frankly own that the thing is not as clear as 
noontide to me. When I first saw the statement, 
I soliloquized, " Ah, ha ! " I saw at once an easy 
means of surmounting all obstacles requiring force, 
and I at once sat down and formed a rough esti- 
mate of the number of pounds of cheese it would 
take to carry the Expedition over to the sunny 
side of the Alps. I found that I could figure the 
Expedition across the Alps with surprising facility, 
and have a quantity of cheese left, figuratively 
speaking : but when it came to a practical test, I 
found one serious drawback to the smooth work- 
ing of the thing as viewed in perspective, namely : 
that of preparing cheese for oxidation in the 
human system. A pound of cheese in a human 
stomach is not a pound of cheese ready for a 
system to oxidize. I would like respectfully to 
inform the scientific gentleman who offered such 
a glowing account of his cheese experiment — (and 
who doubtless carried on his researches in a sheet- 
iron-lined laboratory, and not in his stomach) — 
that a pound of ordinary, inoffensive-appearing 
cheese, in an ordinary human stomach, will hardly 
lift its own weight ; and, notwithstanding all this 
man of science claims, man will never mount to 
the New Jerusalem if he depends on the lifting 
properties of cheese. 

Scientific gentlemen are prone to make statements 



Fom' Centuries After 213 

that very far mislead the unscientific public, and I 
believe it is about time these gentlemen were 
clothed in an injunction or placed in a strait- 
jacket, or under some like restraint. 
GENEALOGY IN A Whcn I first hcard that the 

CHEESE. Swiss of the cheese district were 

in the habit of keeping their genealogy in a famil)^ 
cheese, instead of the family Bible, I was very 
curious to know their reason for selecting seem- 
ingly so transitory a substance. I know now. I 
was mistaken about the durability of cheese. 
There is cheese that is as lasting — almost as endur- 
ing — as stone. It is not unusual to find a famih^ 
cheese one hundred and fifty years of age. Now^ 
when we find a specimen of cuneiform writing, I 
carefully examine it to see if it is not fashioned 
out of Schweitzerkase. 

THE KIND OFFICE OF Thc productlou of Schwcitzcr- 
THE GOAT. kase is a wholesome study in econ- 

omy. Years ago, long before Columbus discovered 
America (we often refer to this event, as it is the 
one most easily grasped by the American of 1892), 
the inhabitants of the upper Alps bethought them 
to what practical use they could put the desultory 
patches of grazing land, out of the reach of man. 
As a solution to the problem, almost divine in its 
nicety, along came the tight-rope-walking goat, 
with her goatee and kids. She boasted that she 
could get a living where the chamois left off — far 
above where the conifer ceased its struggle for 
a precarious existence. The milk of the goat 
naturally suggested cheese ; and thus it came 



214 Four Centuries After 

about that the choicest grades of cheese are made, 
through the instrumentality of the goat, from the 
moss and hchen and tender grasses that are out of 
the reach of all herbivora but the goat. One of 
the characteristic Alpine scenes is a lone man — 
or, as often, a woman— -with a flat, oblong wooden 
can containing goat's milk, strapped to the back, 
slowly descending yon distant mountain-side. 
THE AGGRESSIVE DO- Wc havc catcu all kinds of 
MESTic CUSS. Schweitzerkase, and in quantities 

that caused an insurrection in our domestic econ- 
omy, until we fell in with a piece of cheese that 
was found to be the habitat of the Acartis dojnes- 
ticus. This decided it. We banished at once 
cheese from our bill of fare. When that little 
domestic cuss, familiarly known as " skipper " (I am 
not sure whether this is simply his nautical pseu- 
donym, or not), steps right into a piece of cheese 
and makes it his home and reproducing grounds, 
I gladly admit that possession is nine points of 
the law, and accordingly vacate all rights and 
liens to said cheese. 

Speaking of the acarus and his 

A NICE, BUT PERPLEX- '^ ^ 

iNG QUESTION IN cascous haunts, recalls a nice 
ETHICS. question in ethics — or elsewhere 

— I was called upon to decide for a group of 
young German soldiers we met at Mayence. One 
young fellow related that late one evening, while 
on a hurried shift by rail from Cologne to Wesel, 
he ate a hastily compiled lunch, consisting princi- 
pally of cheese, which his soldierly appetite rel- 
ished keenly. On the morrow (we say morrow, as 



Four Centuries After 215 

there is a touch of poetry in the experience) he 
discovered by the light of day that the remaining 
piece of cheese contained a thriving colony of 
acari — or, speaking more accurately, the remains 
of a colony that had been many times decimated by 
the soldier. What this philosophical young German 
soldier wished to know was the lesson the experi- 
ence was intended to teach — that man should not 
tackle cheese until it has been reconnoitred, or 
was it intended to point out to the acarus the 
danger it ran in taking up its abode in cheese? 
This was the alleged excuse he had for recit- 
ing so unpalatable an experience ; but I suspected 
him of having an ulterior motive, as we were din- 
ing at the time, and the cheese that was just 
brought on with the dessert had been the occasion 
of the recital. As I have outgrown the delicacy 
of youth, the young soldier's shot fell far short of 
the mark ; and I rejoined : " The experience you 
so thoughtfully and timely submit for my humble 
opinion reminds me of the vexed question in the 
case of the worm that gets caught by the early 
bird. Wherein does the lesson lie ? — that the 
worm should seek his lair before the arrival of the 
bird ; or, that the bird should be up and doing 
at a very early hour? You will plainly see that if 
the worm puts himself out of sight before daylight, 
the advice to the bird in regard to early rising 
would be of little avail. I shall have to decline 
offering an opinion on the profound question." 
At this I scooped up a quantity of cheese and ate 
it with more gusto than I actually felt, and the 



2i6 Four Centuj'ies After 

philosophizing soldier called for wine for the party, 
while all hands laughed a broad German laugh. 
HORSE-PLAY OR I found It much easier to accept 

SWORD-PLAY ? such horse-play in a matter-of-fact 
way than to take offence, and such conduct dis- 
concerts the German and offers no favorable 
opportunity for a " parley " with swords. I always 
prefer to parley with words rather than with 
swords. A cut with pointed words doesn't draw 
blood, as does a sword in skilful hands. 

XIV 



SHALL WE GO 



On December loth the Expe- 
THRouGH THE PASS, dltlon rcachcs Goschenen, the 
OR UNDER IT? ^^^^^j^ eutrancc of the St. Gothard 
Tunnel. Here the question, " Shall we go through 
the Alps, or over the Alps ? " has to be decided. It 
would be a short, dark, uninteresting ride of nine 
miles through the tunnel ; but over the mountain — ■ 
who can tell what we may not see? How shall I 
ever be able to describe a mountain pass unless 
we explore one ? — and we decided to go up to the 
entrance and look in, at least. 

I find that the builder of our 

STOLEN FIRE. . 11../ T ■ 1 

" guide book (maliciously so 
called) has used the very words I intended to use 
in speaking of this part of our route. I will for- 
give him this once, trusting he will never again 
steal my fire. He has quoted me, as I might put 
it (although he has neglected to credit the source 
of his extract or abstract), as saying : 



Four Centuries After 217 

" From Goschenen, the road runs through a ra- 
vine called the Schollenen, above which the rocks 
ascend perpendicularly to a great height, while the 
Reuss is heard to rush through its narrow channel 
at a considerable depth below. The road passes 
by a huge block of granite, dislodged from the 
cliff called the Teufelstein (devil's stone), from a 
tradition that it was thrown down by the devil. 
Parts of the road about here are roofed over by 
stone, and niches are cut in the rock to protect 
travellers from the avalanches which occasionally 
descend in the spring. We repeatedly cross and 
recross the river by a zigzag route, over many 
bridges, and presently arrive at the Devil's Bridge, 
constructed originally, it is stated, in 11 18, by 
Giraldus, Abbot of Einsiedeln. The span of the 
arch is twenty-six feet, and its height from the 
surface of the water to the keystone about sev- 
enty ; but as the arch spans a cataract almost 
vertical in its descent, the bridge thus acquires an 
altitude of nearly two hundred feet. 

" The whole scene is full of 

that's right! , ,11 

savage grandeur — leavmg out 
of account the diabolical spell the devil has 
thrown about the spectator. " The granite rocks 
rise sheer and unbroken from the water's edge, 
and present a steep and sterile grandeur which 
artists of many centuries have in vain striven ade- 
quately to delineate." The advertiser of soap and 
stomach bitters, however, hasn't striven in vain ; 
he got there with his little ladder. This species 
of vandal is an agile little cuss. 



2i8 Four Ce7itu7'ies After 

" The new bridge, even while we stand on its 
centre — itself twenty-seven feet higher than the 
old one — seems forgotten, amid the awful acces- 
sories with which it is surrounded ; yet, in the 
solidity of its structure, boldness of its design, and 
the airy expanse of its arch, it affords expressive 
evidence that the constructive genius of man can 
triumph over the most formidable natural ob- 
stacles." 

Here I would remind the reader of a well-known 
event in Paul's campaign against the French, 
namely — the encounter of the contending armies 
in the valley of Urseren, where the French were 
pretty badly demoralized, and put to it for breath. 
Suwarrow, commander of the Russian forces, in his 
despatch gives Paul a brief but thrilling account 
of his exploit : 

" Our army penetrated the dark mountain cav- 
erns of Urseren, and made themselves master of a 
bridge which connects two mountains, and justly 
bears the name of the Devil's Bridge. Though the 
enemy had destroyed it, the progress of our vic- 
torious soldiers was not impeded. Planks were 
tied together with the officers' sashes, and along 
the bridge they threw themselves from the preci- 
pices into tremendous abysses, and falling in with 
the enemy, defeated them wherever they met. 

" It now remained for our troops to climb a 
mountain, the summit of which is covered with 
eternal snow, ice, and clay, by which numbers of 
our horses were impelled down the yawning cav- 
ern, where some found their graves, and others 



Four Centuries After 219 

escaped with the greatest difficulty. It is beyond 
the power of language to paint this awful spec- 
tacle in all its horrors." 
WHAT WERE OUR ^^6 evcut just rcfcrrcd to was 

CHANCES? during the month of September, 

1799 ; our Expedition reached the valley of 
Urseren on the loth of December, nearly a cen- 
tury later. If Suwarrow lost thousands of his 
soldiers in making this pass during the month of 
September, and at a time when, there being no 
tunnel, there was an unrelenting attempt at keep- 
ing the pass open throughout the year, what were 
the chances of the Expedition's getting through, 
without a greater sacrifice of life and other para- 
phernalia ? This was the query which entered the 
mind of the Great Explorer, as we marched up the 
valley of the Urseren to Andermatt. We stopped 
at Hotel Bellevue for dinner, and with the hope 
that we mi^ht gain some information regarding 
the present condition of the pass. This hotel — 
(the first in Andermatt) — was still open for the 
accommodation of a few guests who wished to fill 
their consumptive lungs with a dry, bracing air. 
I believe they were pursuing a wise course, as I 
very much doubt if the bacillus of consumption 
would find the air of that altitude, during the 
month of December, congenial and favorable for 
its enterprise — except members of the fur-bearing 
bacillus, and they are too rare to create much 
damage. We could gain no knowledge of any 
one's having attempted to make the pass within 
many weeks, and no one seemed to have thought 



Four Centuries After 



of doing so. They all seemed of the opinion that 
the valley had snow and. bluster enough in it for 
even an aspiring Esquimau. They were unmis- 
takably people of intelligence and refinement, but 
they could hardly conceal their consternation, 
pity, or some like emotion, when I casually re- 
marked that I believed we would attempt to reach 
Airolo by the pass of St. Gothard. 

That afternoon we proceeded 

THEY SHOOK THEIR i 

HEADS, ALIKE FOR to Hospcuthal, a little hamlet 

GOLD AND SILVER. j^^^ ^^ ^^g f^^j ^f ^^g p^^g^ 

where we found accommodation for the night with 
the postmaster — we wished to be as near the pass 
as possible on the following morning. Save for a 
few guides and their families, this place was de- 
serted for the winter. Our host was an Italian, 
who could speak not a word of Columbian, but 
we succeeded in making it known that we wished 
to cross the Alps by the St. Gothard Pass. He 
appeared very much frightened, and when we 
inquired for a guide he shook his head. That 
evening every member of the hamlet, we should 
judge, called and looked the Expedition over — 
admission, free ! They all looked as though they 
were very needy, but one and all sorrowfully shook 
their heads at the silver five-franc piece offered for 
the services of a guide to pilot the Expedition as 
far as the hospice. As the test of their real opin- 
ion as to the probable condition of the pass, we 
held out a napoleon. Their mouths watered at the 
appearance of the glittering gold, but they shook 
their heads in the negative, alike for silver and 



Four Centuries After 



gold. This made us feel a little queer. Here 
were strong, able-bodied men, who had passed 
.their lives in sight of the pass, and who, without 
a doubt, were much in need of the simple neces- 
saries of life, but were not tempted by a napoleon 
to enter the pass. It seems as though this, added 
to the discouraging advice received all along our 
route, would have turned back any enterprise that 
was not guided by a fool — and it doubtless would. 
Nevertheless, we went to bed that night with the 
resolution that, the weather not having changed 
much for the worse during the night, we would, 
early on the morrow, start up the pass, reserving 
the privilege of turning back in the event of a 
storm or — a change of purpose. We awoke 
several times during the night, with the impres- 
sion that we heard the death-watch pacing back and 
forth along the corridor in front of our cell. This, 
of course, was a phantom of a feverish brain. 

XV 

According to arrangement, we 
were called in the morning at six 
o'clock ; and hastily eating a light breakfast, and 
bidding our host and his family good-by — (with 
the suggestion that they might expect us back to 
dinner) — we started out in the dim twilight of the 
morning of December nth. The Expedition's 
time-piece pointed to the hour of 6.45. With a 
heart full of misgivings and determination, the 
Enterprise proceeded by the winding road up the 
pass. 



THE START. 



Four Centuries After 



When we had reached the first 

WE LOOK BACK. i i r 1 ■, i 

level of the pass, we turned and 
looked down in the valley of the Urseren. The 
mountain ridge forming the opposite side of the 
valley was just discernible in the dim twilight of 
the morning ; a little to our right down the valley 
lay Andermatt, white and peaceful ; and beneath us 
nestled the half-ruined little town we had just left, 
whence now came the distant, wavering notes of 
the chapel bell, striking like a death-knell the half- 
benumbed ears of the lone being standing far 
above. It was just seven o'clock ; and it occurred 
to us that our hostess had given us to understand 
(with a look in her superstitious face that was far 
from reassuring) that the people of the hamlet 
were to pray for the safety of the Expedition that 
morning. After a few moments' deliberation, we 
turned our back on the valley, and continued on 
up the winding path of the pass. 
WE HAVE " COME TO A A fcw obscrvations on " the 
GREAT PASS." grcat pass we had now come to " 
seem timely, and with the reader's permission we 
will allow the Expedition to walk on while we 
look up statistics ; and those who don't care for 
statistics may walk on with the Expedition. 

The situation of the St. Gothard Pass is in many 
respects peculiar : the fact that it lies at an alti- 
tude of nearly seven thousand feet, and has a 
winter of from eight to nine months' duration 
(statistics do not state so clearly to what season 
the other four months of the year are assigned), 
belongs not to its striking features ; but the well- 



Four Centuries After 



known fact that all the valleys that contain the 
most considerable streams of the central Alps 
appear to radiate from the neighborhood of this 
pass does lend it peculiar interest. If we measure 
from the summit of the St. Gothard Pass to the 
head valleys of the Rhone, the Aar, the Ruess, 
the Voder Rhine, the Ticino, and the Toccia, we 
will find — if we don't break our neck in the peril- 
ous attempt — that the most distant lies within a 
radius of nine English miles from that point. 
Some writers regard this pass, in some special 
sense, the central point of the whole system of the 
Alps. On each side of the pass the mountains rise 
to an altitude of from 8,000 to 10,000 feet. During 
the winter months the snow is said to sometimes 
drive into masses forty feet high, and avalanches 
are not infrequent. The hospice is situated just 
below the summit of the pass. There was a hos- 
pice here as early as the thirteenth century — be- 
fore Columbus had completed his arrangements 
for a call on the Khan-Khan of Tartary. In 
the seventeenth century a larger one was built, 
but was ruthlessly swept and dusted away by an 
avalanche in 1775 ; but it was succeeded by a third, 
which was also followed by still another larger 
and more commodious one. As winter sets in, 
two men and a dog take up their quarters in the 
old building, becoming, for the space of eight 
months or so, forced anchorites. It is their duty 
to care for the buildings, and assist any ''phool " 
who may in a moment of unusual depression stray 
away into the pass. It was the intention of the 



2 24 Four Ceftturies After 

Expedition to endeavor, at the most, to reach the 
hospice the first day, where we would remain over 
night, continuing the exploit to Airolo on the fol- 
lowing day. 

The roadway through the pass, like most of the 
roads in Switzerland and other European coun- 
tries, was said to be marked on either side by 
stone posts two to three feet in height. It was 
those inanimate guides we intended to look to for 
evidence of a road ; so long as they were in sight, 
there was little danger of our losing our way. 
Two conditions might occur to conceal our guide, 
namely : the stones might be at places covered 
with snow, or a storm might come up and conceal 
them. In either event, the Expedition felt it 
would be very much embarrassed, to put it mildly. 
For some distance, the wind 

CONFIDENT. 

had kept the roadway swept 
pretty clean of loose snow, leaving a hard and, 
in many places, slippery path, over which, with 
care, we could make good progress — and we felt 
encouraged. At the end of an hour we began to 
encounter patches of freshly fallen and drifted 
snow, through which we passed with some labor ; 
this, however, by no means discouraged us — on 
the contrary, we began to suspect that all that 
was needed in successfully making the pass was 
an unlimited stock of " X L C R." 

At the expiration of another 

SNOW, SNOW, SNOW ! 

half-hour the patches of imped- 
ing snow had become blended in one continuous 
patch, of varying depth and consistency, the pas- 



Four Centuries After 225 

sage of which demanded an unrelenting effort. 
A few flakes of snow now struck the cheek of 
the Great Explorer. They continued to come, 
increasing in number. The wind, which blows 
pretty constantly down the pass, had now at- 
tained a velocity that dislodged the falling snow, 
and carried it whirling by. At the end of the 
second hour out, the Expedition wavered for a 
moment — it was stalled in snow hip deep, and the 
air at times was so full of snow, objects were un- 
discernible at a distance of a few paces — in fact, 
there was nothing to be seen but snow, snow, 
snow, with here and there a straggling stone 
doubtfully indicating the trending of the road. 

" Would it not be better to 

DELIBERATION. 

turn back ? " the Explorer asked. 
We felt that it would, although we knew that it 
would require a mighty exertion to retrace our 
steps. We had a vague notion that the hospice 
could not be far ahead. 

WE RESOLVE NOT TO Wcrc you cvcr beset by an im- 
TURN BACK. pulsc to do wroug — to do some- 

thing that betrayed a moral weakness — for exam- 
ple (which is offered freely, without added cost), 
a desire to read a trashy novel with a very flexible 
paper cover, instead of a work on travel, or the 
book you took out of the Sunday-school library 
last Sunday, with no well-formed intention of 
reading? As you are born of woman, you have 
doubtless been thus afflicted. Fortunately, our 
moral deformities are not all alike. We were on 
this occasion tempted to hazard a life, simply to 



2 26 Four Centuries After 

carry out a determination we had made to cross 
the European continent on foot. Considerate 
posterity would place our name in the same cate- 
gory with bridge-jumpers, jumpers from a balloon, 
the man who went through the whirlpool in a 
barrel, the bold mariner who sailed across the 
ocean in a cockle-shell, and the man who goes in 
search of the North Pole. And notwithstanding 
our somewhat flippant remarks regarding such 
doubtful methods of seeking fame, we now ex- 
claimed : " What a glorious prospect ! " Here we 
are reminded how easy it is for a great mind to 
pigeon-hole its prejudices while carrying out a 
noble (or otherwise) project ! And thus, as we 
worried on through the snow, prospective compli- 
ments went surging through our dazed brain ; — 
and we resolved not to turn back. 
ouK SPIRITS ARTi- At the cnd of the third hour 

FiciALLY ELEVATED, q^^., We camc to a half-ruined 
chalet. We entered it, and taking out a visiting 
card, we wrote in pencil (not blood) across the 
face of it, "9.45 a.m., December nth — caught in 
a snow-storm, while en route from Hospenthal to 
Airolo, but hope to reach the hospice before 
night," and then tucked it in a crack over the 
entrance door, where it can easily be found to-day, 
if some one hasn't already borne it away as a rare 
souvenir of the pass. After taking a not very 
strong pull at the Expedition's flask, we started 
on, with our spirits slightly elevated, and those in 
the flask depressed in a like degree. For several 
weeks the Expedition had been tugging around a 



Four Centuries After 227 

quart of the best inspiration, or budge, that could 
be had in America for money, and until this occa- 
sion we hadn't uncapped it ; but on this day it 
proved to be a mighty fulcrum. 
WE MIGHT NOT BE ^^6 hadu't gouc far from the 

ABLE TO PROVE AN chalct wlicn thc stones by the 
'^"'^'' roadside sank entirely out of 

sight, and our course became but a shrewd con- 
jecture. As is well known, the configuration of 
clean snow during a storm that cuts off the sun's 
rays is not easily determined by the eye — very 
uneven surface appears as though perfectly level. 
This deception presented another danger — we 
might at any moment walk off a bluff or into a 
deep chasm, and very effectually dispose of our 
remains for a long, long time, until exhumed by 
some enterprising geologist or some brother 'ist. 
This prospect was not at all cheerful — here we 
took another pull. This was preparing us for 
another emergency — tended to make the Expedi- 
tion feel as though it could trudge and wallow 
on over chasms or any other styles of holes in the 
ground. 

Along toward the expiration of the fourth hour 
we came to banks of snow that threatened t,o 
engulf us ; here we tried lying down and rolling. 
This means of locomotion was slow and tedious, 
but at places the snow was so yielding it was our 
only means of keeping on the surface. From this 
onward, progress was all work and no play, as 
there were no places where the snow didn't come 
up to our hips. 



2 28 Four Centuries After 



WHEN IN DOUBT. 



At about twelve o'clock, we 
reached a place where apparently 
our course lay across a chasm. We saw the top 
of one solitary stone protruding from out the 
snow at a point seeming to mark the beginning of 
a bridge. This stone indicated one (only one) side 
of the roadway, but which side was a question of 
speculation. Forming as clear a notion of the lay 
of the land as we could — encumbered and dis- 
guised as it was with snow — we came to the con- 
clusion that it marked the left side. We knew 
that all doubt could be dispelled by assuming that 
our surmise was correct and walking to the right 
of the stone — if we remained in sight, we could 
feel sure that the stone marked the left margin of 
the road — but if we should sink out of sight and 
the memory of this generation, we could feel satis- 
fied that the stone marked the right side of the 
roadway — cool but protracted satisfaction. 
BUT WE MAKE A SIGHT This was a dilcmmawhlch no 
DRAFT ON THE FLASK. Qnc Can apprcciatc until he has 
been placed, or places himself, in the same situa- 
tion—the situation was a highly interesting one. 
Snow often forms for several feet beyond the 
brink of an abyss. We knew that there was a 
brink in the vicinity, but just where was very un- 
certain. We decided not to turn back, as we felt 
sure we should perish before we could regain 
Hospenthal in the present condition of the 
weather — here we drew on our flask for a decis- 
ion ; then we gave the word, and the Expedition 
advanced. 



Four Centuries After 229 

Instead of going two or three 

SOMETHING HAPPENED. , . , . , 

feet to the right of the stone, as 
we -should had we felt sure which side of the road 
it marked, we advanced a little to the right of a 
direct line to the stone. When almost abreast of 
it — something happened. Many and many tons 
of snow slid away from beneath the feet of the 
Expedition and went with a smothered plunge 
down, down many feet into the chasm below ! 

What became of the Expedition ? 

NOT PASSIVE INTEREST. 

We took a lively interest in this 
query — an interest always lends zest to an exploit. 
At the moment we felt the mass of snow mov- 
ing, we reached out for our objective point, the 
stone, and hugged it as though it were of flesh and 
blood, while our legs dangled over the sides of a 
substantial bridge that had, presto ! come into 
sight. Then we very carefully drew the Expedi- 
tion back on to the bridge — carefully, so as not to 
uproot the stone— we didn't wish to do any dam- 
age to the pass. This experience made us feel 
very weak and accelerated the flow of perspira- 
tion, notwithstanding the fact that the tempera- 
ture of the pass was far below zero, Fahrenheit. 
From this event onward the duration of time was 
lost sight of ; we would walk and roll until ex- 
hausted, when we would fall over in the snow, take 
a pull at the stimulator, and in a few moments 
continue our mixed method of locomotion. 
WE GET RETRospEc- At last wc camc to the fixed con- 
TivE. viction that we were out of our 

course and were in for it, and we lay in the snow, 



230 Four Centuries After 

thinking of the many little acts of kindness we 
had performed from childhood up, not daring to 
review the other side of our account. We saw a 
pretty vivid picture of home and a vacant chair 
— a home peopled with expectant faces — a home 
that had discarded playful jokes and had hung 
crape on the door. Yes, in our mind we became 
quite an artist, executing these touching little 
scenes with startling abandon. 
ANOTHER STRING TO As wc lay thcrc revelling in 

OUR HARP. our little picture gallery, our ear 

— the ear of the Expedition — seemed to catch a 
fugitive note that did not belong to the great 
yEolian harp of the pass. The wind, as it came 
sweeping down the pass, striking a projecting 
angle here and there, along the mountain-side, 
would emit a deep amphoric note, that cannot be 
reproduced elsewhere — a sound which once heard 
can never be forgotten. During the last few 
hours, our ear had become accustomed to this 
sound — this awful music ; and, as we lay there in 
the snow, our ear after a time detected an added 
note — a sound that was strikingly familiar. We 
listened intently. Yes ; it was the sharp metallic 
note produced by the wind on telegraph wire. It 
then occurred to us that a line v/as carried some- 
where through the pass, reaching the hospice on 
its way. We were, with a somewhat painful effort, 
again on our feet, trying to shape a course to the 
spot whence proceeded the beckoning note. We 
had advanced but a few yards when we staggered 
against a wall of an outbuilding of the hospice. 



Four Centuries After 231 

"LOUD APPLAUSE What dicl wc do ? We fell 

FROM THE GALLERY ! " back in tlic SHOW agalii, wcakcr 
than ever, and personated the spanked child. In 
a few moments we were rapping on a door of the 
old hospice. There was a loud bark, the sound of 
hurried feet, the rattling of a chain and bolt, the 
door swung open, and the frightened faces of two 
Italians and the glad bound of a noble St. Bernard 
greeted the Mighty Discoverer. 

A SAD EVENT DE- ^hc dog actcd as though 

FERRED. almost crazed with joy, and the 

men, who spoke not a word of our language, hur- 
ried to make the Expedition as comfortable as lay 
in their power. They looked and looked at us as 
if they thought we had dropped from heaven — or 
the phool's paradise. After a few moments' rest, 
we took an inventory of the Expedition, and made 
some startling discoveries ; first, we had lost all 
but the base of an eighteen-carat gold-filled double 
tooth — a tooth on which we had expended much 
care and money and which we had rated as be- 
longing to the first order — a tooth on which Simp- 
son would have advanced several dollars. This 
phenomenon was pretty clearly explained ; we had 
been for many hours making a mighty muscular 
exertion in an intensely cold and somewhat rarefied 
air. Several times during the day we had found 
our mouth wide open, as though set for flies. The 
temperature of the body had reached white heat 
— so hot that during the afternoon we saw bare 
hands and a head from which the capote had fallen 
— while the air that entered the open mouth and 



Four Centuries After 



struck the teeth was of an extremely low tempera- 
ture. The effect on the grinding economy of the 
Expedition was easily understood, if not easily re- 
paired. We found that our face was bleeding at 
several places where the sand-like snow had beaten 
with a force almost equal to a sand-blast. We 
also made the discovery that the quart flask, which 
at 6.45 that morning was full of inspiration, or 
budge, was entirely empty, although the cap was 
found in situ (as the professor would say) and 
tightly screwed down — so we were forced to believe 
that none had escaped ; it had been used to coax 
out the latent energies of the Expedition. This 
was heroic treatment, indeed. The advocates of 
temperance — who really recommend (demand) 
total abstinence — may say what they will con- 
demnatory of budge, we shall beg still to hold 
that it was the means of deferring a sad, sad 
event — that of our demise. It may be that an 
early and violent consummation of this event 
would serve as a sort of scarecrow to other sensa- 
tionalists, but such a catastrophe would fall far 
short of serving our purpose — as the frog might 
say to the little boy who pelted him with stones. 
ANOTHER STRIKING ^s thcy had uo accommodation 

SITUATION ! ill the old hospice for guests, we 

were given to understand that the Expedition 
would have to be quartered in the new building ; 
so at 9 P.M., with shovels and lantern, we — the 
two men, the dog, and the Expedition — started 
out to tunnel our way to said building, which feat 
we accomplished after a vast deal of labor (the 



Four Centuries After 233 

Expedition holding the lantern while the Italians 
shovelled), and the Expedition was conducted to a 
highly frescoed room, which apartment had never 
been artificially heated and whose temperature 
was now down many degrees below zero, Fahren- 
heit — in fact, at the temperature of the pass. 
Leaving ''a call" at eight o'clock on the follow- 
ing morning, we retired beneath many woollen 
blankets. The fauna didn't disturb our dreams 
that night. Here we were, on the night of Decem- 
ber nth and 12th, snug as a bug, alone in a bed, 
alone in a room, alone in a very large, unheated 
building, at an altitude of about seven thousand 
feet above the sea. Here was another striking 
situation. During the night we were suddenly 
awakened by a loud report. We at once saw that 
it wasn't a " stock report " — it sounded like the 
discharge of cannon, and we at first thought that 
the St. Gothard had saluted the Stars and Stripes. 
The light of a match, however, disclosed a badly 
shattered water bottle radiating from a perfectly 
stiff piece of water. 

XVI 

OUR SOURCE OF THE On thc followlng morning, De- 

RHiNE FROZEN UP ! ccmbcr 1 2th, the weather being 
somewhat settled, we induced one of the men at 
the hospice to escort the Expedition part way 
down the pass, and to point out the small lake of 
Lucendro, the so-called head-water of the Reuss, 
a tributary to the Rhine, but which we would 



2 34 Four Centuries After 

name the true source of the Rhine. We found it, 
but what a disappointment ! After marching from 
eight to nine hundred miles, to find what we were 
to pronounce the true source of the Rhine frozen 
perfectly solid! It was neither "flexible" nor 
" viscid," but as solid as the walls of the pass. 
So, virtually, this little lake is not a perennial 
source of any river. As we saw it, not until the 
spring-time comes, gentle Annie, and after Annie 
has donned her thin white dress and has been 
crowned Queen of the May, and begins to con- 
valesce from the May-day cold — not till some 
time along after these harrowing events, should 
we listen for the gurgle of the water from this 
lake of the pass. With disappointment and sorrow, 
we turned our face toward Airolo. 

ANOTHER STRIKING ^hc dcsccnt bcgins but a little 

ILLUSTRATION IN " CO- Way from the hospice, and is one 
continual abrupt descent (much 
steeper than on the other side of the pass), carried 
along twenty-eight sloping terraces. Near the 
first terrace are engraved on the surface of a rock 
the words " Suwarrow, Victor." This general 
must have had some of the spirit of the present 
Expedition : of the eight thousand men who com- 
posed his army at the beginning of his campaign, 
he returned to his country " with a miserable 
remnant " — returned to die in disgrace of a broken 
heart — or from " heart-failure," as the doctor 
puts it when perplexed. This part of the road 
is called the Val Tremola, from the alarmingly 
steep descent. " There is nothing on any of the 



Four Centuries After 235 

great Alpine routes more striking than the descent 
from the top of this pass by the numerous zig- 
zags to Airolo." Our guide didn't lead us by the 
zigzags — the zigzags were full of snow ; so he 
took us by a direct route — one of his own choice, 
and much more striking, and wearing to the 
breeches. He instructed the Expedition in the 
art of going down the mountain-side in Laplander 
style — that is, sliding on one's feet, supported by 
an alpine-stock. This was very interesting and 
somewhat expeditious. Occasionally we would 
try coasting, without either a hand-sled or tobog- 
gan,^ and here we conceived the advantages and 
disadvantages of coasting without a hand-sled. 
The advantages lie in one's not having to haul a 
sled uphill, but this advantage may find a liberal 
offset in the erosive action on one's breeches at 
the point of contact with the mountain — a point 
where one is particularly anxious to have one's 
breeches retain their integrity. That day, as the 
Expedition entered Airolo, it was noticed to edge 
along — walk constrainedly — as though something 
awful had happened. 

YES, " DISTANCE LENDS Whcu he had fairly reached the 
ENCHANTMENT." vallcy, thc suu was shining 
warmly, and in many places the ground was en- 
tirely bare of snow, the grass looking green and 
promising. From this congenial clime we turned 
and looked up the pass, where we saw, resting 
against a dazzling white background, what ap- 
peared like a light mist. We knew it to be a snow- 
storm that "comes early and stays late." Things 



236 Four Centuries After 

are not always what they seem in perspective, as 
I have had occasion to remark before. 
WE HAVE SHATTERED Wc arc now ovcr the backbone 
ANOTHER " can't." of thc Alps (by so doing, have 
demolished another " can't " or " impossibility "), 
and are virtually in Italy, although nominally we 
are still in Switzerland, in the Canton of Ticino, 
one of the last acquired states of Switzerland. We 
have now to trace a river from its source — to 
watch the evolution of a river from a small moun- 
tain stream to which other small streams pay 
tribute, until it reaches the dignity in fact, as well 
as in name, of a river — a very interesting study 
indeed. 

XVII 



HE WAS GOING OUR 



During the morning of our first 
WAY. day in the valley of the Ticino, 

and while sitting by the wayside examining a map, 
a young man wearing the uniform of the German 
Army walked by, saluted the Expedition, and said 
in imperfect Italian (we had been studying Italian 
for a day or so, and were highly critical) : " Buon 
journe, sig?iore." I saw that he had the militar}^ 
step and general bearing of a soldier, and I was 
somewhat curious to know why he should be thus 
tramping through a foreign country. We again 
met him while eating our noonday lunch at Faido. 
He came over to. where we were sitting, and, with 
his gallant salutation, asked if I could '''' spree hen 
sie Deutsche I gave him to understand that I 
" parley " Columbian only, but that we had a little 



Four Centuries After 237 

book which spoke most any language except 
Volapiik and Low Dutch. Here I got out our 
polyglot, and after a deal of leaf-thumbing I suc- 
ceeded in finding out that our chance acquaintance 
had just served his time in the German Army and 
was on his way to Genoa, where he was to take a 
steamer for Constantinople. As he was in no hurry 
to reach his destination, and wished to see some- 
thing of Italian peasant life, he thought he would 
walk for a few days ; and he asked the Expedition 
if it was going his way. I told our polyglot to 
inform him that we were steering due south for 
Milan ; thence we should trend eastward to the 
city with the ocean in its streets. 

"MUSIC HATH A Hc cvidcntly was very much 

CHARM." taken with the get-up of the Ex- 

pedition, and he asked if he might join us as 
far as Milan. I consented to that arrangement ; 
and thus it came about that we had a soldier — a 
sort of body guard — in our party for a few days. 
As we marched along — with a combination of 
military step and independent lope — we took 
everything in sight as an object lesson in the 
study of German and Columbian. Pointing to a 
mountain, the young German would Sdiy, "Ei/i 
berg" — and I would reply, in my flowing tongue, 
" A mountain " — and so on until we had run out 
of objects ; and as our vocabulary was still too 
limited to tackle the study of metaphysics, con- 
versation lagged. Then I discovered that our 
contingent was a rapt musician. He whipped out 
some kind of a reed instrument, which he had con- 



238 Four Centuries After 

cealed about his person, and, deftly joining its many 
parts till it was nearly as long as our alpine-stock, 
he began to pour forth his soul throughout the 
whole length of the tube. He began with a mar- 
tial air, in double-quick time, which was intended 
to inspire a soldier to face any danger and walk 
right through the bastion, over its pavement of 
steel spikes, with impunity. This took us over 
the road at a lively pace without fatigue. When 
he had kept the Expedition at double-quick time 
for a league or so, he skilfully fingered the thing 
so that it produced music soft and slow. This 
transition was brought about without adding a 
joint to the length of his tubal cane. I was 
astonished, and yet I was soothed — and here it 
occurred to me that " music has charms to 
soothe a savage breast." I had never felt the 
full force of this statement before, and it came to 
me like a revelation. Then our musician tripped 
off into an air that made the Expedition prance 
and take a sort of hop-slide step. And again, as 
though to display his versatility, he switched off 
into Wagnerian music. Here I picked up a stone 
from the wayside in a menacing way, and gave 
him to understand that the voluptuous strains of 
the Italian opera were excruciating enough, if we 
must have opera music. At this he drew in his horn 
— or, more correctly speaking, he disjointed it, put 
it in a case, and hid it away in his clothes again. 
hark! he breaks The stillness which followed 

FORTH INTO SONG ! ^^ ^^ ^iV^ thC StOpplUg Of 3 ClOCk 

in the dead of night. Our contingent evidently 



AN AWE-FULL DUET. 



Four Centuries After 239 

felt hurt. We walked for some time in this 
strained silence ; then, all of a sudden, without 
any announcement or warning, he broke forth 
into song — German song. His voice was strong 
enough, but it hadn't received the training that 
it should have had. It would seem that the Ger- 
man Army doesn't give the voice the same degree 
of attention that is bestowed on the step. But our 
vocalist seemed satisfied with his voice, and after 
a time forgot the dignified presence of the Expedi- 
tion — he was going from home, and, pulling out the 
tremolo, he sang of his Vaterland, and we could 
plainly detect tears in his voice and on his cheek. 
After a time, he struck into 
some good old Lutheran hymns 
— I couldn't understand their words, but the air 
was there, although somewhat in disguise. Here 
the young German was startled by hearing the 
Expedition join in with its sweet, melodious voice, 
tinged with sadness and a slight cold ! You 
should have been there ! We were marching 
through a narrow valley at the time, and the 
voices of the singers were reflected from side to 
side of their confines, until it seemed as though 
the air was literally split into fragments of har- 
mony. Fortunately, we were in a sparsely inhab- 
ited section of the valley, or else we should have 
drawn " a large and enthusiastic audience, leaving 
standing room only." As it was, a goatee by the 
wayside stopped his ruminating, shifted his cud 
reflectively, pricked up his ears, and looked some- 
what startled ! 



240 Four Centuries After 

XVIII 

OUR GERMAN IN- OuT German contingent seemed 

QuisiTioN. jQ |3g jj^ constant doubt as to 

whether we were on the right road or not ; and he 
would stop every one we met, and go through a 
formula something like this : touching his cap in 
his military way, he would address the stranger 
with the salutation, " Buon jour^ie, signore," and 
then, while pointing along the road we were pur- 
suing, would ask, '^Via Milano?" If we were on 
the right track, the reply would be " St, si, signore " ; 
for which information our German inquisitor 
would offer, " Grazia, signore," and, again touching 
his cap, we would pursue our way until we came 
to another candidate for our German inquisition. 
This persistent inquiry on the part of our German 
contingent soon had a peculiar effect on his 
bearing : he began to carry himself with an air that 
plainly said he felt he was chief of the Expedi- 
tion — and it dawned upon me that he had usurped 
command ! During the first night he had, in a 
self-imposed servile way, cleaned the mud from 
the shoes of the Expedition ; now he was march- 
ing at the head of the enterprise. 

We all have experienced the annoyance of 
having to hunt for some misplaced little fitting 
of our " den," but how many have attempted to 
recover misplaced confidence ! 
"don't move till I saw that some decisive meas- 

I GIVE THE word!" ^rc wouM have to be adopted to 
subjugate or quell him, but what to do was not 



Four Centuries After 241 

forthcoming. If we were in Darkest Africa, we 
could have arranged the matter — could have 
".cooked his goose,'' so to speak, very effectually 
and expeditiously. We would have had simply to 
station him in some small town with* the instruc- 
tions to remain there until released, and in the 
meantime we would relieve the Expedition of his 
officious presence. 

XIX 

During the afternoon of the 

DIVERGING ROADS. , , . , , . , . , 

second day follownig his advent, 
and while on our way from Bellinzona to Lugano, 
the Expedition came to two diverging roads. The 
usurping German held that we should take the 
road leading southeast, while our map made it 
appear that we should take the road bearing to 
the southwest. Rather than lose time by carrying 
on an argument through the medium of our poly- 
glot, we took the road to the southeast. At first 
it carried us by a nice, deceptive gradation, up out 
of the valley of the Ticino ; then our path became 
tilted to an angle of less than forty-five degrees, 
and it became apparent that we were tackling a 
mountain. It was getting late, and high time 
that we were in our quarters for the night ; and 
the young German seemed perfectly confident 
that we should soon reach a town. The former 
chief was not so confident, not by many leagues. 
The Expedition moved " onward and upward " — 
often more upward than onward — but no beacon 
light appeared ahead to cheer us on, Momen- 
16 



242 Four Centuries After 

tarily stopping and looking backward down into 
the valley, over which a dark mantle had settled, 
we could discern here and there a light flickering, 
as though to taunt us in our dilemma. We turned 
and continued the ascent of the mountain, up 
whose side the darkness was rapidly creeping. 

We had left the valley free 

MORE X L C R. 

from snow ; now we found it in 
quantities that rendered walking very fatiguing, 
and somewhat dangerous. But all things — but eter- 
nity and a snarled fish-line — have an end, and late 
that evening we saw the long-looked-for light. 
We traced it to its source, and rapped at a door of 
a building, the architecture of which we didn't 
stop to criticise. We were cautiously admitted, by 
a man in uniform, into a room whose chief feature 
was a large fireplace, with a bright fire burning 
therein. This room contained another man, also 
in uniform. We soon discovered that we were the 
guests of the Canton Forest police, and that our 
general appearance and the time of our arrival 
were, to say the least, suspicious. 

Yet we keenly relished the 

corn-cake they fed us, and then 
we were escorted to a room on the second floor, 
containing not a sign of a bed, but, thank good- 
ness, it did contain a solid floor ; and, rolling him- 
self in his mantle, the Great Explorer was soon 
dreaming just as chastely as though he had 
been lying on a hair mattress. We awoke early 
on the following morning, to make the cheerful 
discovery that we were locked in. We were fur- 



IN BONDAGE. 



Four Centuries After 243 

ther reassured to find that the only window at- 
tempting to Hght the room was heavily barred. 
Our hosts, or custodians, had evidently taken us 
for a species of rara avis, and had caged us. We 
would undeceive them by refusing to sing— we 
wouldn't carol a note. Then we rattled around in 
a boisterous fashion, until our jailers came up and 
opened the door of our aviary. Here I indig- 
nantly unfurled the Expedition's letter of intro- 
duction from Mr. Blaine. Neither of the police 
could read it, but they saw at once that it was 
official, and they let us escape. 

The relation of the American and German ele- 
ment of the Expedition was awkwardly strained 
from that time on ; the German was pensive, and 
occasionally would sing snatches of his guttural 
melodies in a manner well intended to make the 
most obdurate pensive. So they moved along, 
each wrapt in his own thoughts. 



XX 



IF I BUT HAD THE 



I might devote much time and 
COLORS AND THE spacc In an attempt to describe 

SKILL TO APPLY 'em ! „ • iU 1 

scenery we are passmg through, 
but I don't wish to be thought selfish, so I will 
leave something for the next artistic explorer who 
may set out on an expedition leading through 
these parts. Then, I feel sure that there is not 
color enough in my ink bottle to do half justice 
to the scenery of the Italian lakes and the homes 
along their banks (and I am not long enough in 



244 Four Centuries After 

"the reach" to " dip my pen in the sunset hues ") ; 
and, again, I may have the feelings of a Tinto- 
retto, but not his skill in applying color. I might 
have described a mountain by saying that it was 
" awfully grand and magnificently sublime " ;-and, 
if I were a young woman, I might apply the same 
epithet to the Italian lakes. I could be con- 
tented to dream away a life on Lake Como, the 
Italian's paradise, but I can't afford such a luxury. 



THE LAND OF CHEST- 



PART V 



At Chiasso we were overhauled 
NUTS, MAccARONi, AND by tlic Italian customs officials. 
^™°- Wg had no cigars about us, and 

this time our linen was as spotlessly clean as our 
conscience — neither of which required disinfect- 
ing. They submitted the young German to a 
pretty thorough scrutiny, though ; being a neigh- 
bor, he was suspected of having some wicked 
design in view in visiting Italy — possibly thought 
him an emissary of the German Army. At first, 
they mistook his tubal cane for an infernal 
machine ; so, to show the inspectors that the 
thing was perfectly harmless and not infectious, 
he strung it, and played " do-me-sol-do " in clear 
gander notes, the first of which, as it put the air 
in violent motion for a radius of several miles, 
caused the inspectors to dodge as though they 
thought the thing had burst. When he reached 
the " do " in the upper register, the inspectors 
cried, " Enough ! " — they were satisfied that the 
thing was designed to torture, not to kill. 



246 Four Cejituries After 



II 



ONE, TWO, THREE. 



The very first act of the Expe- 
dition after leaving the hands of 
the Italian inspectors was to purchase a quart of 
freshly roasted chestnuts.* This, we reasoned, 
would place us on friendly terms with the natives. 
Just think, a quart of chestnuts ! If the reader 
has ever been filled with the awful suspicion that 
a wasp was working its way up his or — (no, we 
won't say it) — up his trousers leg, he has a vague 
notion of what apprehension is ; but he can never 
appreciate its full significance until his " friend " 
starts to open up an "old chestnut" in the pres- 
ence of distinguished guests. Oh, the agony of 
suspense, the humiliation — and the stillness that 
follows, as though the very bottom had dropped 
out of conversation. 

Speaking of chestnuts reminds , 

READY ! r 1 A • 

me or the American we met at 
Basle. He found out that the Expedition Avas an 
American enterprise, and thus he seemed to deem 
it his imperative duty to entertain us. He was a 
humorous man. Now, some people are violently 
humorous, or they are flat and commonplace — 
they know of no intermediate ground. I am de- 
lighted to meet these people, as, when I learn 
their mood, I know pretty well what will fit their 
case. This man invited me to his room, where he 

* We bought the chestnuts just to make this experience 
apropos. 



Four Centuries After 247 

pulled out an old flat-iron and a hammer and 
began to crack jokes. They were, one and all 
superannuated jokes — jokes that had done good 
service in their time, as their triturated condition 
attested, and well deserved the rest to which the 
benevolent world had assigned them. I saw that 
I was in for it, so I submitted to the inevitable 
with a grace that increased my self-esteem. I 
was so familiar with every joke — knew so well 
where the laugh was ordained to come in, I 
allowed my mind to wander to other scenes until 
the narrator was making the home-stretch, when I 
would take a full inspiration, and, at the cue, 
would break into a most violent paroxysm of 
laughter. I brought in the laugh very artistically 
to several jokes, then I began to grow heedless, 
and finally found myself laughing at the wrong 
end of a joke. This was awkward, but I apolo- 
gized, saying that a new light had been thrown 
on a previous joke. This explanation was satis- 
factory, and when I parted with my fellow-coun- 
tryman that evening, I wrung his hands and 
declared that I never should forget the occasion 
— which was literally true. I relate this incident 
to illustrate how an artist may appear to be in 
the second heaven of delight, while in truth he is 
being " awfully " bored. 

YES, KEENLY sENsi- Whilcwc havc thls subject in 

TivE. hand, we may as well continue 

our observations on joking as an art. In listening 

to a joke with the anatomy of which you are 

unfamiliar, it is well to have some one who is 



248 Four Centuries After 

s 

initiated at your side to nudge you at the proper 
time. There is nothing that so disconcerts a 
humorist as to have an auditor laugh long before 
the hilarious climax has been reached. An anti- 
climax is killing. A humorist is exceedingly 
sensitive when he knows that his joke has suf- 
fered malformation, and he is in doubt himself 
as to whether it calls for laughter or the prompt 
action of a vigilance committee. 
WITH A "cracked" It rcquircs skill — a precision in 
THUMB TO HIS MOUTH ? aiming z. blow with a hammer — 
to crack nuts successfully, and not crack your 
thumb with the same degree of success ; and 
before the advent of the silver-plated nut-cracker 
(with its cunning little nut-pick), the person who 
could open up a butternut without yielding to 
profanity was sure of a warm place by his neigh- 
bor's fireside. But if it requires skill to crack a 
hard-shelled nut without offending your thumb, it 
wants more than skill to crack a joke and not 
offend some one of your fellow-beings. The nut- 
cracker aims to hit the nut, but may hit his thumb ; 
the cracker of jokes aims to please, but he may 
deal a neighbor a wicked thump. The nut-cracker 
who hits his thumb is pretty sure to please his 
audience, as there is something irresistibly funny 
about the antics of a man with a cracked thumb, 
which satisfies where the meat of a nut falls short. 
Although the man who cracks a joke at the ex- 
pense of a neighbor may elicit a patronizing laugh 
from his audience, he is at once pronounced un- 
gracious. I believe that the man who suffers to 



Foil)- Centuries After 249 

make us laugh has a very large soul ; but the man 
who causes his neighbor to suffer for our edifica- 
tion, wants in fine feelings as well as in skill. But 
I forget : we will never reach our destination if I 
continue to stop by the wayside to. moralize. 
Those Italian chestnuts have served their purpose 
nicely — they appeased my appetite and offered a 
very shallow excuse for this digression — any one 
can digress, it requires no art to do so. 

Ill 
We reached Como on the even- 



THE ITALIAN ARMY- 



CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE, ing of December i6th, and put up 

at the hotel // Falcojie. We were again in a countr)^ 
with a standing army. The soldiers swarmed 
about Como as though they expected the Aus- 
trians down upon them at any moment. Our 
German amused me with his criticism of their 
tactics on the parade ground. Of course, many of 
their manoeuvres were all wrong, in the eye of the 
German ; and while we were marching from Como 
to Milan he was constantly imitating them in what 
he pronounced their false movements. 

At Monza we visit the Duomo to see the cele- 
brated iron crown with which twenty-four Lom- 
bard kings have been crowned, and which was 
used at the coronation of Napoleon as King of 
Italy. This crown contains one of the nails of the 
true cross, which the Empress Helena brought 
from Palestine. Did you ever hear how the Em- 
press determined which one of the thi^ee crosses 



250 Four Centuries After 

she discovered was the true cross on which our 
Saviour was slain ? We are told that " a noble 
lady, who was at the point of death, was sent for, 
and as soon as her body touched the third cross 
she was immediately cured " — and thus the iden- 
tity of the true cross was established. That was 
simple, wasn't it ? I have several coins which 
were struck off at the time of this " miraculous 
invention," in commemoration of the event. They 
show the Empress and the true cross, thus leaving 
no doubt in the mind of the true believer of to- 
day as to the authenticity of the invention. 

At Milan we bade adieu to our 

WITH ALL HIS FAULTS. „ , 

young German chance acquamt- 
ance. After all, I was sorry to see him go. His 
unbounded faith in his ability to guide a great 
enterprise, and his youthful enthusiasm, seemed 
sometimes aggressive ; but when I thought of the 
fervor with which he said his evening and morning 
prayers and the fondness with which he leafed his 
little Bible, I felt ashamed of my own shortcom- 
ings — and the way he sang and chirped, whistled 
and piped, had endeared him to me, and I felt 
very sad and lonely when he turned his manly face 
another way. 

IV 

DOES HE CALL FORALL Thc Expcdition did Milan, 
OF THIS DISPLAY ? much aftcr the fashion of the 
average tourist. Of course, we visited the Cathe- 
dral, with its astounding wealth of marble, precious 
metal, and gems. We wanted to determine, by 



Four Centuries After 251 

actual count, the number of statues adorning this 
great edifice — whether two thousand or two thou- 
sand and five hundred — but our time was too 
limited to satisfy this desire. Think of an isolated 
pillar over ninety feet in height and twelve feet in 
diameter ! Standing alone, it would excite wonder 
in the observer ; but the grand proportions of this 
building are so nicely adjusted, you would scarce 
suspect the fifty-two supporting pillars of such 
noble dimensions. We entered the vault of St. 
Charles Borromeo — fee, five francs. He is can- 
onized and loaded with precious stones. It isn't 
his fault, however, that he is made to support this 
dazzling display — it was all done after he was 
dead. He devoted his life to the interests of his 
people, and spent his large fortune in charity. If 
he were still alive in the flesh, as in memory, he 
doubtless would dispose of his present trappings 
and use the proceeds for some other purpose than 
that of personaj adornment. 

THAT "certain LIT- Ouc of thc first placcs we vis- 
TLE BOY" AGAIN. jtcd xw Milan was the refectory 
of the Dominican Convent attached to Santa Ma- 
ria, to see Leonardo Da Vinci's fresco, " The Last 
Supper." Yes, it is badly battered and scarred, 
but if the observer will stand at the proper dis- 
tance, he will find material that will call up the 
" Last Supper," seen hanging on the wall in many 
a humble home. I recollect one home in par- 
ticular, which was presided over by a certain little 
boy's grandmother. This little boy used to spend 
a great deal of his time at this home of his grand- 



252 Four Centuries After 



mother — we think he had greater liberties there 
than at home. Sometimes, when it was supposed 
he was at his grandmother's, he was neither there 
nor at home. On those occasions he could be 
found — by the eye of the All-seeing, rarely by his 
parents — down on the pond in the old swimming 
hole, over on the rocks — he wasn't always in one 
place, oh no ! Now, the life of this little boy's 
grandmother was made up of (it seemed to him, at 
the time) early rising ; breakfast, preceded by 
saying grace ; then reading from the Bible, fol- 
lowed by a long prayer ; spinning or knitting, 
singing and humming old hymns till dinner, for 
which thanks were rendered before partaking ; 
then more humming and knitting. At tea the 
prayer was not forgotten ; then early to bed, 
which was invariably initiated by, " Now I lay me 
down to sleep ! " Now, it did seem to that boy 
as if the days at grandma's were a never-ending 
prayer — and they were, to that dear soul (who 
used to spread a piece of bread with butter and 
sugar for that boy to eat between meals) — and we 
trust that she is now reaping her reward. But 
there are very few boys who can comprehend a 
prayer — and those few, it is irreverently said, are 
designed for cherubs. To their mind it is all lost 
time — time that might be utilized in raising some 
great weight ; and, they reason, while in the act 
of raising this weight, the mind Would be just as 
surely (according to their reasoning) taken from 
the vicious temptations of man as it would were 
they conning a prayer — and in the end, the weight 



Four Ce7ituries After 253 

would represent so much reserve force that could 
be used in driving some monster engine. 

•So, during prayer at grandma's, this boy was 
not as attentive to the matter in hand as he should 
have been. He always made it a point to sit or 
kneel so that he v/as facing a lithograph of this 
identical " Last Supper," hanging on his grand- 
mother's wall. This picture had almost as many 
colors as the original — and it captivated the eye 
of that boy ; he learned to love it for the relief it 
afforded him — and this is the way that that boy 
(who has become the Great Explorer) came to 
take such an interest in Da Vinci's fresco of " The 
Last Supper." 

V 



A RIGHT ANGLE IN OUR 



Leaving Milan by the Porta 
LINE OF MARCH. Veiieziu, the Expedition shaped 
its course due east, with the Adriatic as its objec- 
tive. Although the many kinks in our line of 
march from Amsterdam to Milan have caused the 
Expedition to travel often in a direction that 
carried us toward our starting point, our general 
course has been pretty nearly due south, until to- 
day, when we throw a coil of our line of march 
around Milan, and turn our back on the West, 
and look expectantly toward the Orient. 

Our path lies through the most 

EASIER TO RAISE CAN- , . 

ADA THISTLES THAN productivc gardcu of Europe, 
TO "RAISE-' A called the "Wet Milanese," from 

MORTGAGE. . , , , , . , . 

Its elaborate system of dramage, 
said to be the most perfect system in Europe. 



254 Four Centuries After 

This soil produces five crops yearly. When I 
think of the soil in which I grew and made mud 
pies — soil that couldn't be relied upon to produce 
one decent annual crop, I begin to suspect that it 
isn't from choice — an exercise of pesthetic tastes, 
that induces the farmers up our way to adorn their 
farms with a mortgage instead of neat farm build- 
ings. I will venture to predict that the time is 
coming when our farmers will have to depend on 
a well-directed effort made over less territory for 
a return from the soil, rather than stumbling along 
over much territory with an abiding faith in Prov- 
idence — which may send the seven-year locust, 
the potato-bug, the Canada thistle, a drought or a 
flood, instead of the horn of plenty. But if the 
European farmer has reduced farming to a science 
— has brought the soil to a high state of produc- 
tiveness, he has something to learn of the farmers 
up our way in the art of landscape em.bellishing — 
in arranging farm implements about the fields 
effectively ; a mowing machine here, a hay-rack 
there, a plough disposed of as though every farmer 
were emulating patriotic Putnam ; and wagons, 
heavy and light, placed about the barn-yard in 
varying stages of decadence. Without a doubt, 
our farmer (may the ravens hover over him) is in 
some respects highly artistic in his tastes — a sort 
of passive virtue, however. Would our farmer 
ever think to neatly blanket his cattle when turn- 
ing them out to pasturage on a damp, cold day ? 
No ! It wouldn't pay our farmer — in fact, he hasn't 
time ; he has got to go to town to see the man 



Four Centuries After 255 

who accepts the interest on the mortgage, and to 
expectorate about the village store. To sum up, 
our farmer is a paradox, or a mixture of contra- 
dictions — he has time, yet he hasn't time ; he 
wants money, yet he doesn't want money — judg- 
ing his negative efforts to get it. 

HOW DOES MAN " But," you Say, " what has all 

REASON? this to do with art?" You are 

right — I am out of my true sphere ; art is my forte, 
and I'll trip right back in a moment. The mul- 
berry tree, so plentiful throughout this plain, 
speaks of cheap labor, as it is said that silk can- 
not be produced in a country where labor receives 
a liberal recompense. I feel a pessimistic twinge 
when I consider that silk, an article used simply 
for adornment, is had at such a price to the unfor- 
tunates of our fellow-beings. And the little toiling 
and spinning silk-worm, what does he receive for 
his labor? After he has industriously wound his 
little cocoon of from three thousand to four thou- 
sand yards of silk thread, man (the superior ani- 
mal) comes along and robs the industrious little 
fellow of both his life and his silk. Is not this the 
acme of ungratefulness ? What a reward for mer- 
itorious work ! What a travesty on justice ! But 
man (who reasons by tradition, or accepts a thing 
as being right because he found it so when he 
came on earth) does not seem to think for a mo- 
ment that he may be doing the silk-worm an out- 
rageous injustice. 

The gourmet may take just as much pride in 
knowing the various grades of cheese as he does 



256 Four Centuries After 

in telling a choice brand of wine ; I am now 
watching the growth of Parmesan and Stracchino 
cheeses. We are eating these cheeses on their 
native soil. The Italian never fails to serve a lit- 
tle platter of grated Parmesan cheese with our 
plate of soup. The ever-present Italian soup — the 
soup we get in small towns— is constructed of 
water from the River Po — the " river that rolls by 
the ancient walls where dwells the lady of my love " 
— (or some other classical stream) and Parmesan 
cheese. This, I believe, is the running formula 
for the staple Italian soup of the laboring or loaf- 
ing class. This soup may not be very invigorat- 
ing, but it is strong — the cheese insures that 
quality. 

VI 
The roads are not in quite as 

TO "illustrate." . 

good condition for travelling out 
of Milan as those we have been perambulating 
through. Recent rains may account for this, in a 
measure. During the cloudless nights they freeze, 
but as soon as the sun gets his rays to bear on 
them at an obtuse angle, the frost comes out and 
leaves in its stead a surface something like that 
produced by soft soap on the ways of a ship-yard. 
Progress of a pedestrian over such a surface is 
deceptive ; and we have to sight across stationary 
objects by the roadside to determine whether our 
change of place is in the desired direction or not. 
To illustrate : The Expedition raises one foot 
from the ground, momentarily poising the weight 



Four Centuries After 257 

of the Expedition (with its whole outfit, weight of 
care, etc.) on its other foot ; then, by a nicely 
directed effort, the body of the Expedition is car- 
ried forward of the centre of gravity to a point 
where it is caught and supported by the projected 
foot. Now, if the foot on which the body of the 
Expedition was momentarily poised had remained 
stationary until the projected foot had received 
the weight of said Expedition, the result would 
have been a change of place forward. Alas ! it 
was rare that such was the inspiring reward of 
aforesaid effort. Just at the moment when the 
body of the Expedition was being carried forward 
of the centre of gravity, the foot on which the 
weight of the Expedition rested took an insidious, 
gliding movement backward in the direction of 
Milan. So, when the road reached this " viscid " 
condition, the Expedition had to appeal to its imag- 
ination, or its pedometer, for evidence that it had 
progressed forward. And thus, in a sort of merry- 
go-round way, we would glide about the highway 
till evening, when we would take out our pedome- 
ter and cipher out the number of miles this little 
myopic reasoner told us we had covered during 
the day. A pedometer, like some people, has (or 
exercises) but one idea ; its only care in life is to 
keep tally of the number of steps we take, making 
little allowance for recoil or backward movement. 
What do you suppose a pedometer would say of a 
man who had walked a treadmill all day ? It 
would tell just the number of steps the wearer 
had taken, but would not add, as strict truthful- 
17 



258 Four Centuries After 

ness ought, that not one of all these steps had 
carried the deluded being beyond the starting- 
point. 

While the roads are greasy, they are not at all 
cut up as roads up our way would be at this season 
of the year, or a little earlier. 

FOR LENGTH, IT Right here, I'm going to make 

BREAKS THE RECORD, ^y^at at first may seem to the 
uninitiated reader like another wanton digression, 
but I am confident that a few will at once appre- 
ciate the consummate skill of the author, in placing 
everything in this delicate mosaic where it will 
be the most effective. I have intimated that some 
people are constantly lugging in a subject apropos 
of nothing — exploiting the most unexpected topic 
on the least appropriate occasion. We all know 
(we who have dined out) that the success of a 
repartee depends not so much on what we say as 
when we say it — that if we wait till the next day 
to rejoin a sally, the effect (in these days of rapid 
transit) may not be electrical. Likewise, in build- 
ing a book like this, topics should be skilfully led 
up to — should be timely — not introduced abruptly. 
Now, I am going to talk about roads, and I am 
sure that my artist friend will at once see my 
apropos of this subject, and appreciate the grand- 
eur of its length — I have tramped nearly across a 
continent to lead up to a talk on roads. What 
a grand apropos ! What art ! 

I will own right here that I haven't thumbed 
statistics to gather my data (I believe that is what 
the professor calls them), but have picked them up 



THE EUROPEAN 
CARRIAGEWAY. 



Four Centuries After 259 

by the wayside — along my apropos. Furthermore, 
I am not sure that I shall employ the phraseology 
used by science, in referring to the various features 
of a public roadway. However, should I make my- 
self too clearly understood, attribute the fault to 
habit rather than to intention. Anticipating the 
worst, as. usual, I will add that I am not a candi- 
date for Road Commissioner ; I appreciate the 
alleged honor you would pay me, but must decline 
acceptance — I see more mud than honor. Still, 
I am perfectly willing to "teach the twenty " how 
the thing should be done. 

The Expedition has scrutinized 
European roads pretty closely. 
We found such precaution quite necessary, to 
avoid going afield. But, besides the care neces- 
sary in selecting our path, I have made a close 
study of European road-construction and system 
of keeping them in repair ; and now I can under- 
stand the assertion that, while the American rail- 
road system is the best in the world, European 
carriageways are far superior to those in America. 
Think of walking across a continent and not 
finding a stone in the road throughout the route 
large enough to throw at a sparrow ! These con- 
ditions, of course, inspire the birds with a degree 
of confidence that permits the boy to sprinkle 
salt on their tails — if he can get close enough — 
and thus does away with the necessity of loose 
stones in the road for the accommodation of the 
boy. / 

In constructing the European roads, the first 



26o Four Centuries After 

care is the choice of a foundation. In low places, 
where the soil is yielding and difficult to drain, 
the old Roman method of removing all loose soil 
until a solid foundation is reached, and then laying 
a stone foundation to a height above the surface 
soil, is sometimes adopted ; but where the surface 
soil is easily drained, the roadbed is made thereon, 
as it is found that surface soil will sustain a road- 
bed sufficiently stable for ordinary wear, if the 
soil serving as a foundation be kept dry — which 
result can be obtained by efficient drainage, and 
a roadbed that is impervious to water. Are you 
following me, Hank ? Am I sufficiently obscure, or' 
is there too much skylight ? 

The European road is of ample width, rarely 
less than sixteen feet ; it is made crowning or con- 
vex, so that water will at once drain off into the 
shallow gutters or waterways along the margin of 
the roadbed, instead of leeching through the road- 
bed into the foundation. The road is bordered on 
either side by a ribbon of greensward, in which 
trees are grown. If these trees be young, the 
drainage from the road is conducted by a little 
gutter to and around the roots of each tree, and 
then out and down into the foundation drainage 
or ditch. These trees may serve not alone as an 
agreeable shade, but their roots, reaching down 
into an unstable soil, bind and help keep it in 
place. The European road once made, it is kept 
in constant repair. During every day of the year 
the eye of a practical road-builder scans every 
inch of the road, in search of places that show a 



Four Centuries After 261 

weakness in the roadbed, or a tendency to wear 
into hollow places, where water would pool, grad- 
ually soak into the roadbed, and thus cause serious 
damage, not alone to the roadbed but to the foun- 
dation. Neat stone piles may be seen at intervals 
along the roadside for immediate use in repairing. 
No matter how far you may be from a town, you 
find that the road is swept regularly. The detritus 
and other accumulations of a public road are a 
danger to the road, as they prevent water from 
thoroughly draining off ; and in Europe the 
sweepings of a public road are valued as a fer- 
tilizer. I notice that immediately after a soaking 
rain (or during the rain, if protracted) a gang of 
men, provided with broad hoes and one-horse 
carts, come along and clean off all surface 
"grease" that the rain has made, thus doing 
away with mud and its weakening effect on the 
road's stability. In Europe the drayman is not 
allowed to haul a heavy load on any style of 
wheels he may see fit to select. He is advised to 
use a wheel of large diameter, and is compelled to 
use a broad tire, the width of which is determined 
by the weight of the load he is to haul ; and in- 
stead of cutting a road, the effect of the wheels 
of a heavy-laden cart is something like that of 
the roller used in levelling the road's surface. 

In Europe, the man who has charge of the road's 
construction is supposed to know more than a 
" little bit " about the making of a road — indeed, 
he is supposed to know it all, which is not danger- 
ous ; and he is paid for making a road, not for 



ROADS UP OUR WAY. 



262 Four Centuries After 

getting in his time, and keeping the time of others 
who work under him to get in their time. 

We have seen the country car- 
riageway of Europe ; now we 
reluctantly come back to America. When the 
railway is not at our service, how do we get from 
town to town, up our way ? Do we fly ? Alas ! 
we cannot fly ! Do we swim ? Not exactly ; we 
submit to a compromise between swimming and 
flying ; and at certain seasons of the year it is not 
safe to say which of these two methods of locomo- 
tion we nearer approach. It is alleged that we, 
too, like the Europeans, have carriageways ; at 
first, we try to prove an alibi, but it is found that 
we were there all the time, though somewhat dis- 
guised with mud. Now the allegation is usually 
accepted, though it is tacitly understood that our 
claim to roads is a miserable subterfuge. 
HOW WE " CONSTRUCT " How do wc makc roads up our 
OUR ROADS. -way ? The formula is very simple. 

Those having our road-construction in hand would 
not attempt to work after an abstruse formula. 
Our road-maker is usually a farmer, who may or 
may not know the first principles of farming, but 
couldn't recognize a road if he saw one. Does he 
build our road as the Roman did his, by remov- 
ing the loose earth to get a foundation, then 
carrying the foundation up with a material that 
will not only serve its original purpose but will be 
an everlasting monument to its builder ? Well, 
not exactly. Our road-builder tries to reverse 
this order of proceedings. Instead of removing 



Four Centuries After 263 

the loose earth to get a foundation, he heaps more 
loose soil into the projected roadway, on which he 
makes his roadbed ; and then, at his leisure, he 
proceeds to hammer the foundation through it and 
down to where it belongs — or thereabouts. It isn't 
easy to ascertain just where his foundation finds 
lodgement, as the mud is sometimes a little opaque. 
AGAIN, " THAT RE- How do wc Icccp thc roads in 

MINDS me!" repair up our way? Now I am 

pleased. The question opens up a most delight- 
ful vista to me. I " dearly love " to contemplate 
road-work on our country roads — there is so much 
about it that resembles play. Between spring 
ploughing and haying-time is the favorite time for 
the " old school " of road-workers — the old masters 
— to get in their time. At that season of the year 
when the air is balmy — before the roads are dusty 
— when the little bird can be seen flying about 
with straws and odd ends of this and that with 
which to repair last year's nests— at that season of 
the year when to stay within doors is the height 
of exasperation and to go afield is to follow an 
irresistible instinct : this is the season of the year, 
my European friend, when we repair our roads. 
Of course, it is at a time of year when we are not 
in much need of a road, as we can drive almost any- 
where ; but, you see, it is not alone on account of 
the pleasant weather that this season of the year 
is chosen — we must get in our time when the roads 
come to the surface, very much after the rule rec- 
ommended in shooting a loon—" Shoot when he 
comes to the surface." 



264 Four Centuries After 



"a SCHOOL FOR THc placewhei'e the old school 

SCANDAL." of road-workers are fond of wear- 

ing out their poll-tax, is there where the road 
receives the shade of a wayside tree ; there the 
road is worked for all it is worth. Yes, I see such 
a spot now ; it is marked by a pile of stone, around 
which five of the old school are ranged, sitting on 
old boxes or three-legged stools. Each is pro- 
vided with a very light-weight long-handle stone 
hammer, with which they are successively annihi- 
lating time, and making feeble efforts at reducing 
the size of the stones before them. As I approach 
from a distance, I observe that the movements of 
the hammers are growing spasmodic — they are 
slowly raised at irregular intervals, and then 
allowed to drop back on the objective stone. 
When I get near enough to catch snatches of a 
conversation, I find that Urial has the party almost 
paralyzed with a bit of scandal, the characters 
figuring therein being in graves over which grass 
has long since grown. 

" He was seen to come out of the back way 
— no, Smith had gone to town, and returned 
unexpectedly " 

Here two of the hammers remain poised in the 
air, three rest on the stone pile, while the four now 
thoroughly paralyzed listeners stare expectantly 
at the speaker. Uncle Sam's highway is for- 
gotten, and the road-work at this point has mo- 
mentarily come to a complete standstill. The 
climax having been reached and safely passed, 
the hammers are again put in motion, while the 



Four Centuries After 265 



sound of their blows can be just heard above the 
chorus of immoderate laughter which follows 
Urral's airing of a fragment of forgotten past. 
, What a iolly good time these 

LET S SEE ; HOW DID •* JO 

YOU SAY MAN REA- old boys arc having, anyhow ! 
^°'^^' How the occasion does carry 

them back to a time when this section was a 
howling wilderness — before the morning paper 
came into vogue, and when they had to rely on 
local gossip alone. And now they are gossiping 
again ! These old boys have never outgrown 
their curiosity — have never ceased wondering at 
man's frailties. They can't understand that man 
is doubtless very much as he always has been, 
and always will be. They don't mean to be 
unkind — and this morning in particular they har- 
bor no man ill-will, but they persist in gossiping ; 
and if I were to ask them which would be worst 
in its effect on the community, for one of their 
neighbors to go astray or for half a dozen to sit 
about airing their neighbor's misfortune, they 
would be very much surprised at my temerity in 
asking such a question. They understand that- 
God forgives, but they — they gossip. 

The simple inconsistencies of these old boys are 
just as marked when I succeed in getting them to 
gossiping about roads — and, now that they are in 
good humor, I approach them, and, placing my 
hand on Urial's shoulder (he being the spokes- 
man of the little coterie), I abruptly insert a new 
topic. 

" Urial, we know you are always ready and 



266 Four Centuries After 

willing to solve social problems, now why can't 
you help us see the need of roads — real roads, 
instead of a series of fenced-in lines of quagmire ?" 
DID YOU EVER FIGURE I have approachcd him at the 
°^"^ right time, and in a playful way 

that wins his attention at once, so I proceed : 
" Did you ever consider what a perfectly smooth 
road, of easy gradation, would be to us farmers ? 
[I am a farmer for the moment] — how it would 
bring us nearer the markets ? — that to be on the 
road would then be a pleasure instead of a school 
for profanity ? Did you ever think that with such 
roads our wagons and harnesses would last a life- 
time of ordinary usage, and that the valuation of 
our farms would advance — in a word, that such 
roads would easily pay for themselves — for the 
cost of building and maintenance? When a road 
is properly built, it costs less to keep it in repair 
than the estimated cost of our present pretence at 
repairing." 

Without stopping for a reply, I continue : 
" Did you ever figure what it costs us to keep a 
wagon in repair on such roads as these ? Have 
you considered the terrible strain on wagon and 
harness (not to mention the horses and driver) in 
passing over a road cut up as this is — where at 
one moment one wheel may be nearly to the hub 
in a mixture of mud and stone, while the others 
are trying to surmount stone near the surface, the 
next moment the relative level of the wheels being 
reversed ? Of course, you haven't considered the 
damage to merchandise hauled over our roads, 



Four Centuries After 267 

but you do know, though, that you have to carry 
eggs in your hand when you take them to market, 
unless you wish them poached on the way. Now, 
Urial, I have an errand up the road a bit, but 
shall be back in the course of an hour or so. In 
the meantime, I want you to canvass the part)^ 
around this stone pile and report to me what you 
will do toward agitating the question of real 
roads." Without saying more, I abruptly turn 
and walk briskly away. 
" you can't TEACH In thc course of two hours I 

AN OLD DOG." agalu approach this interesting 
group, but this time I come upon them from across 
the fields and take them unawares. Urial is again 
addressing them, and with animation that prom- 
ises happy results. Still unobserved, I come near 
enough to catch the drift of the speaker : 

" She ? She ought to have been turned out of 
the church at the time ! No longer ago than last 
Sunday evening, as I was coming home from 
church, I saw her and " 

Here I walk away without making my presence 
known to the dear old boys, who, during my ab- 
sence, have slipped back into gossiping with about 
the same facility that a duck takes to water — and 
right here I must slip back into the road leading 
from Milan to Venice. 

VII 
I have been gone so long I 

AN "ear MARK." 11 ,- 1 1 T-, ,• • , 

can hardly find the Expedition s 
characteristic footprints. Wise Providence has 



Four Centuries After 



shaped one of my feet almost after the flat style — 
indeed, the arch of the right foot makes a pretty 
well-defined hole in the ground ; this slight depart- 
ure from the approved style has been mistaken 
for evidence of genius — and they predicted that 
I was destined to write Don Juanish poetry. Some 
people will grasp at a straw even when in but a 
few inches of water. 

From Milan to Treviglia our 

"AMERICANO ! " 

course lay alongside a tramway, 
and after the tram-car had several times checked 
its speed as it approached the Expedition, with 
the expectation of taking the enterprise aboard, 
the conductors began to appreciate our indepen- 
dence of steam, and as they passed by, a lusty cheer 
would go up — " Americano ! '' We have no means 
of knowing how they discovered our nationality. 

VIII 

HAVE I BEEN TO CON- A Sunday evening found us in 
FEssioN ? Desenzano, a smalltown on the 

southern shore of the beautiful Lago di Garda. 
The ringing of church bells awakened a desire to 
attend divine services — which, with an apology, I 
recorded in our log as a phenomenon. It was about 
the hour of the day when up our way they ring 
bells to call the sincere worshippers (and the 
young people who sit and giggle on the back 
seats) to evening services ; and in my ignorance 
of the methods of the Latin Church, I took it for 
granted that the bell ringing in this little Lombard 



Four Centuries After 269 

town had the same significance that it had at 
home. I attempted to convey to our hostess 
(through the kind, but uncertain, office of our 
polyglot) my desire to attend divine services. It 
was some time before I could make her under- 
stand just what I was in quest of ; but in time she 
seemed to comprehend, when she sent me out in 
charge of a bright young Italian, who conducted 
me about the town, through streets that could not 
have been darker during the Mediaeval Ages, until 
he stopped in front of a building which had some 
of the appearance of a private dwelling but bore 
no resemblance to a church or cathedral. He 
played a brief tattoo with the door-knocker, to 
which a Sisterly-dressed woman responded. After 
a moment's conversation, she turned and con- 
ducted us up a stairway, to our first right, through 
a long, dimly lighted vestibule, and into a capa- 
cious hall, where she motioned us to seats. While 
awaiting further developments, I stealthily took a 
survey of the surroundings. The most conspicu- 
ous piece of furniture in the room (and that was 
very much so) was a table, spread with linen, 
spotlessly white, on which were arranged several 
plates ; and by the right side of each plate stood 
a quart bottle, bearing a rather conspicuous label, 
telling of the vintage, etc. — and I asked myself, 
" Is this ordinary divine services, or a love feast ? " 
At this moment a man, past middle age, entered 
and crossed the room to where I was sitting. He 
wore the sombre dress of a Catholic priest, and — 
if he were a woman, I should have said — a 



270 Four Centuries After 

sweetly smiling face. His hands were clasped in 
front of him, but as he came near me he extended 
the right hand (a white, plump hand, as soft and 
yielding as a woman's) — and we clasped hands. 
Here was another striking situation. Two persons 
standing holding each other's hand, but unable to 
carry on a word of conversation. We both made 
some appropriate observation in our respective 
tongues — observations that struck the objective 
ear but conveyed no meaning to the understand- 
ing. 

While we stood thus, mutually perplexed, six 
men, dressed in a garb identical with that worn by 
my silent vis-a-vis, filed into the room. Their 
full round faces also wore gracious smiles. The 
one holding my hand bowed apologetically — as 
though he would ask to be excused a moment — 
and turned beseechingly and addressed his brother 
clergymen. They, one and all, looked disap- 
pointed — as though they were very sorry, but 
couldn't help it. So far as I was concerned, here 
was another Tower of Babel. Just at this moment 
I thought of our polyglot, and, with a feeling of 
reassurance, I reached into a pocket of my coat — 
a pocket constructed just to contain it — and, lo ! it 
was not in place. Our interpreter had deserted. 
While still in my re-perplexed 

THE SPIRIT OF DEVO- •' '■ '- 

TioN GOES uNSATis- conditiou of mind, I was ap- 

FiED. preached by the seven priestly 

gentlemen, the one who first greeted me taking 

the lead. He stepped forward, and taking my 

hand, carried it to his lips, and then placed it in 



Four Centuries After 271 

the hand of the priest at his side — and so the 
hand was passed around until the seven priests 
had grasped it and carried it to their lips. This 
procedure was a very pretty sentiment in lieu of 
words, of the exact significance of which I am 
still in doubt. After this ceremony had been gone 
through, the man who first came into the room con- 
ducted me to the door and — no, he didn't kick me — 
but, in every way save words, expressed his regrets 
that we were so sadly in need of a medium of 
communication — and then bade me an affectionate 
good-evening in correct Italian. 

Now, when I come to think the 

WHAT IS VIRTUE ? 

matter over, I strongly suspect 
that I have been to confession. Doubtless my 
hostess failed to fully understand my require- 
ments as I attempted to express them ; but, look- 
ing me over, came to the conclusion that I had 
committed some mild outrage which I wished to 
confess in the ear of a priest. What a painful 
mistake on her part ! And here again I see the 
beneficent wisdom that declares virtue to be its 
own reward. I passed years of reflection before 
I could see how virtue could be its own reward. 
It used to remind me of the true story of the 
famishing snake — getting desperately hungry, it 
turned, and, beginning at the tail end, swallowed 
itself whole, and thereby appeased its appetite. I 
used to go about with my head bowed to a reflect- 
ive angle, saying to myself : " Virtue is its own 
reward — that is, virtue is its own reward — or, con- 
versely, its own reward is virtue — what is virtue ? 



272 Foiir Centuries After 

Virtue is its own re ! " Here I would run 

against something whose inherent virtue was re- 
sistance — a resistance that would knock the con- 
templation out of me, for the time being, at 
least. I couldn't see how, according to the 
science of bookkeeping, we were to open an ac- 
count with virtue — or, rather, how, when once 
opened, we were again to close the account. It's 
strange how perplexing these little " truths " are 
when you once disturb their equilibrium. Of 
course (somewhat like the little game, "Heads, 
you take crow, and I take turkey ; tails, I take 
turkey, you take crow "), it's all plain after due, 
uninterrupted reflection. 



IX 



A VIOLENT BURST OF From Dcscnzano to Peschiera 
PATRIOTISM. Q^j. course lay along near the shore 

of the lake ; and we would occasionally go down to 
the beach, where we would sit and explore the 
many-colored pebbles and shells with which it was 
strewn. I should like to have dilly-dallied about 
that beach for a long time ; it was so clean, and the 
swell rolled in with such a lazy, musical sound, full 
of dreams and delicious indolence, and the Italian 
sun shone down so benignly. The strong fortifi- 
cations of Peschiera call to mind the fact that we 
are near the Austrian frontier and on the battle- 
ground where the Italians threw off the Austrian 
yoke. But the proximity of the Austrian frontier 
was more forcibly called to mind while marching 



Four Centuries After 273 

through the town. As we came along, with head 
erect and martial tread, as though on dress parade, 
a group of cadets whom we were passing sang out, 
in a chaffing voice : " Bin, zwei, drei — ein, zwei, 
drei" \ which our knowledge of German told us 
was the '' one, two, three," used in drilling the 
step. This was as much as to accuse us of being 
a hated Austrian soldier. As we came abreast of 
the group the Expedition halted, came right about 
face, and, saluting the young Italians, we responded 
as of one voice, '''' E pluribus unum " (how our Latin 
ever came to us without referring to our spelling- 
book we can't tell, unless the occasion was an 
inspiration). " The effect was electrical," as our 
correspondent, or reporter, would put it. The cry 
went up, along with their caps, "Americano / " The 
Expedition bowed acknowledgment, and passed on. 



X 



THE GREAT EXPLORER 



It was nearly evening when we 
ENCOUNTERS A apprchcnsi vcly approached the 
ROMEO. gates of Verona, another fortified 

city of the first order — Verona, of which Ruskin 
has said : " If I were asked to lay my finger, in a 
map of the world, on the spot of the earth's sur- 
face which contains at this moment the most singu- 
lar concentration of art-treasuring and art-treas- 
ures, I should lay it on the name of the town of 
Verona." This and much more was brought to mind 
as we marched through the streets of this clas- 
sical city on the way to our hotel. 



2 74 Four Centuries After 

Thinking to try exploration after dark, the 
great and intrepid Discoverer sallied forth from our 
hotel and pushed his footsteps about town. He 
had proceeded but a short distance when he was 
accosted by a veritable Romeo, dress and bearing 
identical with the article seen on the stage — the 
broad-brimmed soft hat trimmed with a nodding 
plume, the gay mantle — in a word, the get-up was 
perfect — I should have recognized him had I met 
him in Timbucto. This is the style of men who 
watch over Verona — -the town is full of 'em. This 
one hurried forward and asked the Great Explorer 
for his ca7-te de visite. The Expedition carries a 
card-case filled with a gentleman's calling cards of 
correct style, bearing the name of the chief of the 
Expedition, and " U. S. A." very conspicuously 
written beneath in official script. These initials 
stand for the United States of America, or the so- 
called army of those States. The city guard, see- 
ing that he had an American instead of an Austrian, 
said, " Avaunt thee ! " At which our Explorer 
avaunted in his most stagey manner. 

Later in the evening, while trav- 

HE IS URGED TO COM- °' 

PROMISE HIS GOOD crslug a strcct somewhere in Ve- 
NAME, ETC. rona, a voice from a second-story 

window sighed, or seemed to sigh, " Ah me ! " 
Looking in the direction whence came the sigh, 
our classical student saw, reclining, framed in the 
window-case, a wayward Juliet ; and he observed : 

. . ? 

Juliet : ! 

RoiMEO : ! 



Four Centuries After 275 

Juliet : ? 

Romeo : I'll report your conduct 

to -a certain society I know of 

! 

\Exeunt\ 

AT THE TOMB OK Wc fouucl tlic rulncd tomb of 

JULIET. Juliet in the old cloister of the 

Franciscan Convent, We dropped our visiting 
card with the many others found in a basket, hung 
on the wall for that purpose, and a tear on the 
grave of her who was faithful to the instincts of 
love — and now we have yet to visit Mantua to pay 
our tribute to Romeo. From the tomb of Juliet, 
we visited a few of the old churches ; then we 
climbed about the amphitheatre, and gratified our 
vandalish propensities by carrying away a frag- 
ment of the facing stone of this solid piece of 
masonry. The pilasters and decorations of the 
small piece of facing which remains, show a re- 
markable degree of preservation at the end of 
upward of eighteen centuries of exposure. It 
would be well for the pie-builders of New York to 
examine the lasting material of these pilasters. 
We are a little uncertain, but think that they 
might glean a few points in the method of con- 
structing pies for durability. This suggestion is 
offered gratuitously, without malicious forethought 
or wicked intent, and ma)^ be declined without 
comment. 

But we spent the greater part of the day in the 
Museo Lapidario, during which time the following 



276 Four Centuries After 

thoughts on art, and the conspicuous place the fig- 
leaf occupies therein, passed through my mind. 

XI 



THE FIG-LEAF IN 



The fig-leaf plays an important 
(OR ON) ART. pj^j-t in European art. Its im- 

portance in this respect is of comparatively recent 
discovery. During many centuries, art saw fit to 
bestow on marble the divine form of man — to-day 
the fig-leaf is the most conspicuous feature in art. 
It used to be a pleasant study to watch the little 
fig-leaf put forth alongside the fruit — so curious 
that fruit, without preliminary blossom, and leaf 
should come out side by side at the same time. 
Now the mere thought of a fig-leaf causes a 
shiver ; and I hear of a young lady who refuses 
to eat or touch a conserved fig, on account of the 
doubtful office assigned to the fig-leaf. 

There may be something in this growing uni- 
versal use of the fig-leaf. Let us see. If you 
pick up the morning paper and slyly cut out an 
innocent advertisement, every member of your 
household will at once become curious as to the 
contents of the clipping, although they may have 
passed this same advertisement by, morning after 
morning, without its having arrested their atten- 
tion. They at once assume that the article was 
of more than ordinary importance — a poem, or a 
bit of scandal ; and, like the sealed letter that has 
been intrusted to their care for delivery to a third 
party, it excites their curiosity— they want to 
know what's in it. 



Four Centuries After 277 

COLD MARBLE, NOT Is a piccc of coM mErblc, fash- 

THE FLESH-TINTS ioiied aftei' a Venus or an Apollo, 

OF THE CANVAS. . , , i . 1 i ■ 

more picturesque when clothed in 
one solitary fig-leaf than it would be had it been 
left just as it came from the artist's chisel ? Or 
does the leaf have the same enhancing effect as 
the four-sided hole in the morning paper, marking 
the absence of the simple advertisement ? 

The ordinary mortal at once observes the fig- 
leaf ; he appreciates the fact that it was a recent 
addition, and reasons that, from an artistic stand- 
point, it could not have been intended for drapery. 
He then infers that the leaf is not the work of an 
artist, but was put there by — possibly — the janitor, 
to conceal a part of the artist's handiwork. It is 
an inartistic innovation, and to a lover of the 
beautiful — to one of a clean mind, its effect on a 
piece of statuary is like that of a false note in 
a symphony — it jars on his sensibilities, and he 
soliloquizes : " Am I a child, or has the present 
age fallen so low morally that it has to resort to 
such an extreme as this ? " Yes ; if the spectator 
be not of a vicious turn of mind, the decidu- 
ous statuary (that which has shed its leaves or 
has never leafed out) will excite nothing but 
admiration ; whereas, be his thoughts prone to 
follow forbidden lines, the presence of a fig-leaf 
will cause his imagination to reproduce vividly 
the surface covered by the fig-leaf. And will not 
the mental effort required in imagining what he 
instinctively sees wanting, although possibly 
slight, cause the mind to dwell on the theme 



278 Four Centuries After 

which the short-sighted reformer has attempted 
to avert with one frail fig-leaf ? 
ART OR "coNVEN- ^"^ thls auclent city of Northern 

lENCE." Italy the explorer of to-day 

(1892 : four centuries after Columbus made his 
historic blunder) may discover that the fig-leaf has 
been introduced with telling effect on art. He 
may leave an art gallery with the impression that 
the attempt (well or badly directed, he is by no 
means sure) of his age at " decency " has indeed 
been pretty generally introduced. He reaches the 
street, to be shocked by sights that cannot escape 
the observation of a person with his eyes open. I 
refer (not wantonly, and apologize in doing so) to 
those unsheltered, unconcealed, discolored slabs 
of marble placed at convenient intervals along 
the sides of the streets — maybe the principal 
thoroughfare — for the convenience of a public 
whose conception of decency as herein manifested 
would hardly lead a Westerner to look for fig- 
leaves on their statuary. What would be the 
effect on morality if a fig-leaf — one solitary fig- 
leaf — were placed at each and every one of these 
unsightly conveniences ? Would such a move 
render the fact less conspicuous, or would the 
presence of the fig-leaf simply emphasize the fact 
that many fig-leaves were wanted. 

If any part of nude statuary 

IT GROWS PAINFULLY , , , , , , - , , 

EVIDENT THAT WE ARE sfiould bc conccalcd from the 

NOT ALL CONSTITUTED gazc of any part of the public, I 

would respectfully suggest that 

all nude statuary be dressed according to the ap- 



Four Centuries After 279 

proval of some modern dress reform society, and 
then a commission be appointed to examine into 
the moral stamina of every candidate for admit- 
tance to the Museums of Art. Every candidate 
should be temporarily labelled according to his 
moral strength, each label indicating the time for 
its wearer to call at the gallery and just how much, 
if any, of a statue should be exposed, for his 
edification and sesthetic life. But there are a cer- 
tain class of beings who, for their own safety, as 
well as for that of the right-minded public, ought 
to be permanently branded as they do cattle out 
West. I refer to that moral weakling of whom it 
is alleged that he goes to bed in the dark for fear 
he will see his own undraped legs, and thereby 
start a train of thought running at the rate of 
sixty miles an hour direct to perdition. 
WHY NOT BE CON- But It may be that this move 

sisTENT? is not alone prudery — it may be, 

alas ! that this reform (of which the fig-leaf should 
be taken as a symbol, rather than a means to that 
end) is called for. If so, why not be consistent ? 
Why not have begun the movement by placing the 
fig-leaf on the ballet, or, rather, on the more than 
suggestive gesturesof the ballet, instead of placing 
it on a cold piece of marble ? No true lover of 
the beautiful in nature and art would suffer from 
such an innovation ; no one will dare to say that 
a ballet clothed in tights — a ballet made up of 
slight women and stout women — women whose 
form reminds the observer of the acrobatic skater 
in his inflated rubber suit, and who bear about as 



Four Centuries After 



much resemblance to a Venus as a hippopotamus 
does to a race-horse — no one would dare to say 
that such an Exhibition elevates man's artistic 
tastes or appeals in any way to his finer and better 
nature. 

XII 
We were awakened early this 

FOR ONCE, NO ONE WAS ^ 

NIGH TO GIVE OUR moming by a violent ringing of 
MEMORY A NUDGE. ^11 the church bells of Verona. 
If we had been in a small American city we should 
have inferred at once that there was a conflagra- 
tion somewhere in the city, but being, instead, in an 
Italian city, we soliloquized, while yet but partly 
awakened : "What sin of commission or omission 
gets the good people of Verona out at so unseason- 
able an hour in the morning ? " We had settled our 
bill with the Hotel Roma preparatory to an early 
morning smart, and as the bell-ringing had driven 
away all desire for sleep, we dressed and hurried 
out on the street. Dawn had hardly begun to 
break, and the streets were so dark, people hurry- 
ing along seemed like passing phantoms. Find- 
ing a coffee-house open, we got our morning bowl 
of caffe con latte, zucchero, and pane; then we con- 
tinued on through the city to the Via Padova. 
We were halted and asked for our visiting card 
only twice while passing through the city. Evi- 
dently our outfit hadn't a very devout appearance, 
as we saw none of those who were responding to 
the bell-ringing overhauled. When we were fairly 
out of Verona on the highway, we still met people 



Four Centuries After 



hurrying along, all going one way — to the city, 
looking neither to their right nor to their left ; 
and along later in the morning, while approaching 
a small town, we found that the people were all 
going our way — were going to their nearest town, 
whose bells were ringing just as incessantly as 
those at Verona. Farther on, we reached such a 
position between several towns that the bell-ring- 
ing came to our ear from them all ; and it seemed 
as if all Lombardy were bell-ringing, and that the 
ear of the Expedition had struck the exact centre 
of the commotion. There was a light breeze blow- 
ing down from the distant mountains which caused 
the notes of the more distant bells to come and go, 
grow full and clear ; then they were carried away, 
only to come again with a sudden clearness that 
made it seem as if they had been dropped down 
upon us from some distant height. 

Toward mid-day the Expedition reached a town 
midway between Verona and Vicenza. The streets 
were thronged with people, hurrying hither and 
thither in a most energetic manner. We came 
to a church in whose open belfry could be seen 
four bells, all madly ringing, in and out of time, 
as though noise rather than harmony were better 
intended to fire the heart of man with religious 
fervor. With the hope that he might discover the 
occasion for this universal demonstration, the 
Great Explorer followed the throng into the 
church, where he stood alone, a little to one side 
of the entrance. Yes, he was very much alone — 
in a strange land — listening to a strange service in 



Four Centuries After 



an unknown tongue. The air was fragrant with 
incense, and there seemed to be pleading in the 
accents of the youthful choir. As the stranger 
stood there, he forgot the many eyes that were 
turned toward him — he drifted away from the 
incense and the small-voiced choir, and built up, 
from a few words and intonations which his recep- 
tive ear had caught from out the services, the song 
divine, "Peace on earth, good-will toward men." 
And then he understood the meaning of the bell- 
ringing — it was Christmas. 

Vicenza bore every appearance 

THEY GROW UP TO- - . , . 

GETHER, AND THEN- of its bcmg 2. grcat markct-day, 
THE ONE EATS THE instcad of Chrlstmas. The roads 

OTHER ! ... . , 

leadmg to town contamed a mot- 
ley lot, among which there was little evidence of 
wealth. Nearly every one was on foot, leading, 
driving, or carrying some domestic animal to mar- 
ket. One woman was leading a sheep, as docile 
as Mary's little lamb ; a boy had a papa goat in 
tow — or, rather, the goat had the boy in tow pretty 
constantly, in his efforts to scrutinize everything 
along the roadside that appeared to be goat pab- 
ulum ; an old woman was cajoling a black hog 
into believing that she would really like him to go 
in a direction opposite to the one she was pursu- 
ing ; another woman had a crate of poultry on her 
head — they were all there, and the animals being 
led or driven seemed to be almost on a social and 
intellectual level with the " superior" animals lead- 
ing or driving them. The occasion was doubtless 
a sad one for many a home ; these dumb animals 



Four Centuries After 283 

had grown in the affections of their humble mas- 
ters — had become a part of their humdrum life — 
may have shared the same room, and were now to 
part. The " other half " of the world can't under- 
stand what this parting means. One observation 
we made may be of interest to zo51ogists, namely 
— all the swine we saw during the day (and we 
saw many hundreds) were irredeemably black ; 
there was neither a white nor a mottled one in the 
number. We can't account for this phenomenon. 
WE AGAIN REHEARSE We vlsitcd Palladio's Villa near 
the"avaunt!"act. Vicenza, and finding a breach in 
the walls surrounding the grounds, we crawled 
through and went strolling about the grand old 
neglected place : through embowered walks, by 
marble fountains that had long since suspended 
operations, by disfigured statuary — on, till these 
tokens of past splendor put us in a contemplative 
mood — till we couldn't have told whether we were 
simply a guest or the real proprietor. It was 
while in this abstracted frame of mind that a 
keeper came along and rather unceremoniously 
acted as our valet de place as far as the gate — only 
as far as the gate — which he unlocked, opened, 
and, pointing to Via Padova, said, in a classical 
style quite befitting his surroundings, " Avaunt 
thee ! " and again we carried out those instructions. 

XIII 

DID YOU VISIT THE It Is casy to believe that Padua 

botanical garden? Js ^\^^ oldest city in Northern 

Italy, as is claimed for her — she looks it ; and 



284 Foiir Centuries After 



it would seem that her people are suiting their 
movements to a prospective long life, the heritage 
of one born in a city renowned for its antiquity. 
There is one feature of Padua, however, of which 
too much cannot be said in praise. AVe refer not 
to her renowned University, which is too well 
known to call for mention from a self-made man, 
but would call attention to her Botanical Garden 
— a veritable paradise. Don't fail to visit this 
spot while in Padua, especially if your call be 
made during mid-winter. 

I shall not soon forget our 

A PADUAN IDYLL. 

evenuig at Padua. At our little 
hotel (we purposely chose a very unpretentious 
hotel this time) I found the almost ever-present 
kind-faced priest. This man spoke English (im- 
perfectly), which was a guarantee that I would 
be entertained. When I entered the combination 
kitchen, dining and sitting-room, or family-room 
of our hotel, he was sitting playing a game at 
cards with our hostess and her daughter. • I took 
a seat to one side, and at the finish of the game in 
hand the priest came over to where I sat and, in- 
troducing himself, asked in the kindest way — in a 
manner that could not be intrusive — if he could 
be of any service to me. I thanked him and said 
that I was quite comfortable ; then he invited me 
to join their little card party. Here I frankly 
owned that I knew nothing about cards. He 
looked disappointed, and, excusing himself for a 
moment, returned to our hostess. There was a 
momentary conversation in Italian, and then the 



Four Centuries After 285 

daughter left the room, to return in a moment 
with four bottles of what proved to be a tolerably 
effective brand of wine, which were ranged on a 
table. I was invited to occupy a chair at this 
table, which was so placed that it brought me 
directly in front of one of the bottles of wine. 
No, I don't know anything about playing-cards — 
further than their history, which informs us that 
they were first printed before the art of printing 
with movable type was introduced- — and I know 
very little about wine ; but, not wishing to disap- 
point every advance these kind people were mak- 
ing toward entertaining their foreign guest, I took 
the proffered seat at the table. The kind father 
occupied a place directly opposite, and our hostess 
sat at one end of the table, and her daughter at 
the opposite end. While four glasses of sparkling 
wine were held aloft toward a point in the centre 
of the table, the priest made some flattering refer- 
ence to America and the one of her subjects 
present, at which the glasses were emptied of 
their contents. The conversation which followed 
was very pleasant, and did not falter a moment. 
I got from the priest much desired information, 
and in return I told him what little I might know 
of questions regarding America on which he 
sought knowledge ; and occasionally a snatch of 
conversation would be carried on with our hostess 
or her daughter, the priest acting as my inter- 
preter. 

As the wine warmed our souls the priest be- 
came still more affable, and our hostess was over- 



Four Centuries After 



flowing with reminiscences, which were repeated 
for me with, possibly, a kind word of explanation, 
or a deserving apology, during which interval she 
(our hostess) would lean forward expectingly, 
until she saw that she had been understood, when 
she would break forth into laughter, the immoder- 
ation of which could well be understood and ex- 
cused under the circumstances. The daughter 
had little to say, but her black eyes sparkled, and 
when the American was not looking her way, she, 
too, would laugh — a laugh that contained more 
rippling music than that of any other member of 
the little party. Later in the evening, the priest 
asked her to get her guitar and sing for us. 
Woman-like, she at first begged to be excused, but 
after the usual course of urging, to which the 
American added his persuasive voice — second- 
handed — she complied. There was a timid little 
prelude — a slight tripping and accidental arresting 
of vibrant strings ; then, with a masterly hand, 
and seeming to forget those about her, she glided 
off into a minor key. The tinkling notes of the 
strains that rose and fell with the sweet voice of 
the singer produced a spell that transfigured the 
dingy old kitchen : the polished sides of the cop- 
per stew-pans, ranged on the walls, winked and 
blinked in the flickering candle-light, and the 
smoke from the few fagots in the fireplace passed 
lazily up the chimney. The priest seemed to be 
carried back into the past, while our hostess me- 
chanically brushed away a tear. 



Four Centuries After 287 

XIV 

WENEAR THE END OF Early Oil thc moming of De- 
oaR " TRAMP." cember 27th the Expedition might 
be seen shaping its course along the highway, to 
the City in the Sea — the spot toward which we 
have taken so many steps, and which we hope to 
reach in a few hours. The distance from Padua 
to Venice is upward of twenty-five miles, and, as 
the weather at starting is favorable for walking, 
we trust to easily cover that distance before even- 
ing. During the early part of the forenoon we 
reach the River Brenta where it trends from a 
southerly course to due east — the direction which 
the Expedition is going — so we agree to travel 
together. It is along this river (which has more- 
the appearance of a canal than a river) that mer- 
chants of Venice have built their summer homes. 
They are ranged on either side of the river — an 
almost endless Venetian street. At one place, 
where the homes stand close together, we see a 
building bearing a placard telling us that it was 
formerly the residence of Lord Byron, but is now 
used as a primary school. And we wonder if the 
poet's name acts as an inspiration to study, or 
to play truant ! At one time this summer street 
must have been a delightful retreat, but now nearly 
every place has the appearance of neglect, which 
though lending added picturesqueness from an 
artistic point of view, must make it less attrac- 
tive as a place of residence for the average 
mortal. 



Four Centuries After 



As to-day we are particularly 

OUR WATCH, THE SUN- _ . 

DIAL, AND THE HOUR iuterestcd in watching the pas- 
OF PRAYER. sage of time, we have called to 

mind the various ways in which we are warned of 
the flight of time in Italy. First, there is the sun- 
dial, on the side of the house, or as an ornament 
in the grounds. You usually see a sun-dial on a 
school-house ; if not very useful, it is a classical 
ornament. Then, there are the hours of prayer. 
As we go whistling along, liable to become obliv- 
ious of the flight of time, we hear the ringing of 
bells in distant towns, and in yonder field we notice 
the laborers stop their work, uncover their heads, 
and stand thus perfectly still for a moment ; then, 
crossing themselves, they replace their hats. Look- 
ing at our tirnepiece, we see that it is mid-day. 

Yes, the Italians are very religious — particularly 
so at stated intervals of the day; at other times, 
religion doesn't appear to hamper their capacity 
for worldly enjoyment. They can't crack a whip 
as loud as the Dutch and the German carter, but 
the Italian finds an ample outlet for his love of 
noise through the bell. 

WHEN AMONGST Onc cvcuing, but a few days 

ROMANS— after the Expedition entered 

Italy, we put up at the dingy little hotel of as 
dingy and antiquated a town. We had eaten our 
maccaroni, and I had taken possession of the 
quaint stationary seat in one end of the large 
open fireplace, and, resting my face in my hand, 
I began peering into the few dying embers, rem- 
nants of a fagot fire. I had sat thus for some few 



Four Centuries After 289 



minutes, until the voices of those who stood or sat 
about me, drinking vino and talking in a quiet key, 
were forgotten in the contemplative mood the 
graying embers produced, when, in a vague way, 
I became conscious that the bells of a monastery 
near by were ringing. This did not strike me as 
being at all unusual or significant, as I was coming 
to the conclusion that bell-ringing was Italy's 
principal occupation. Feeling a hand gently 
touching my shoulder, I looked tip. The group 
about me were all standing with heads bowed and 
uncovered, and the elderly gentleman who had 
tried to engage me in conversation a few moments 
before pointed to my hat as though he thought I 
had not heard the bells. Baring my head, I, too, 
rose and stood with the group with bowed head — 
for shame rather than in devotion. In a moment, 
they all made the sign of the cross, and, covering 
their heads, resumed conversation and vino drink- 
ing. There was something about the time and 
place, the apparent simple faith of these people, 
that affected me peculiarly, and I slunk back to my 
shady retreat in the fireplace and tried to reason it 
out. Had I looked at a timepiece on this occasion, 
I would have found it six o'clock in the afternoon. 
WHAT ! A VENETIAN Along toward evening, the 

SNOW-STORM? gj,y^ which was so promising in 

the morning, begins to take on a threatening 
aspect. Clouds which look very much as though 
they contain snow are drifting down from the 
Tyrol, and, a little later, we actually see flakes of 
snow sailing in the air. Snow flying in the air near 



OF COURSE ! 



290 Four Centuries After 

Venice ! What an idea ! Who ever wrote snow 
poetry in Venice ? The poet tells of languidly 
drifting about the streets of Venice with the song 
of the gondolier lulling him into a heaven on 
earth, but when has he made poetical reference to 
a snow-storm in Venice ? He doubtless has, but 
he-iiasn't trilled his lay in my hearing ; so I am, to 
say the least, disappointed. 

But I ought to have known 
better ; we all know, of course, 
the relative position of Venice on this little earth. 
We do, do we ? It may be we have forgotten a 
point or two about geography, and it may further 
be that we got our knowledge before our mind 
acquired its prehensile faculty. Do you know to 
what city the people of America go to attend an 
Ice Carnival, to learn tobogganing and the use of 
snow-shoes ? — where that grand river flowing by 
is frozen so stiffly through the winter months that 
a railroad track has' been laid on its surface, over 
which heavily laden trains have passed ? Yes, 
you recognize the city at once — it is Montreal. 
You know, of course, that this city lies between 
forty-five and forty-six degrees north latitude, but 
have you kept the fact in mind that Venice (about 
which Messrs. Cook & Son and their patrons speak 
in such warm and glowing terms) lies in the same 
degree of latitude ? I frankly own that this fact 
had slipped my mind. I had been perusing a work 
on European winter resorts, which dissipated all 
truthful knowledge I had ever acquired regarding 
meteorology and climate in general. 



Four Centuries After 291 



DISLOCATION OF THE As wc iicar thc coast the houses 
ARCTIC REGION. dwlnclle away to an occasional 
one of no great pretension, and in their cheerful 
stead we are carried into a salt-marsh, almost a 
wilderness. The few flakes of snow are con- 
stantly increasing in number, and there is already 
quite a respectable quilt of snow on the ground, 
and the Expedition soon runs into a maze almost 
as perplexing as an x^lpine pass. The air 1% be- 
coming so full of snow we can see but a few yards 
ahead of us, and it begins to look as though we 
would have a bed of snow, instead of one of eider- 
down in a Venetian palace. We inquire for a 
hotel at the scattered houses along the way, and 
are directed to go farther on. We go farther on, 
until we are aware that night is at hand, and are 
warned that we must find some shelter for the 
night, if it be no more than a fence rail, or be 
forced to accept "a one-night stand" as the pro- 
fessionals say. We come to a large farm-house, 
where we apply for lodgement. We are directed 
to go farther on, but we persist in asking permis- 
sion to stay right there for the night. The mis- 
tress of the house seems perplexed, but nods 
assent, and shows the Expedition a suspicious- 
looking chamber containing a bed that appears as 
if it might already be occupied ; then we go below 
into the living-room. The few fagots smouldering 
on the hearth give forth no heat, and the place is 
cold and cheerless. In a few minutes the men 
come in, and, after a moment's talk among them- 
selves, they beckon the Expedition to follow them, 



292 Four Centuries After 

and then go out through the storm to the stable 
where the cattle are kept — a compactly constructed 
stone building. The animal heat of the cattle 
renders this place comfortably warm. There is 
the smell given off by healthy cattle — which is by 
no means as offensive a smell as one may encoun- 
ter elsewhere among beings not classified as cat- 
tle — and the fragrance of new-mown hay. The 
party consists of two women and four men ; the 
relations, we should judge, are those of father, 
mother, a daughter, one son, the " hired man," 
and the Explorer. All but the latter member 
group themselves on stools about a low table, 
from a secret drawer of which is taken a pack of 
playing-cards, and the game opens up and lasts 
during a long evening. The place is illuminated, 
or beshadowed, by a lantern that is passing 
through an eclipse, and which occupies a position 
in the centre of the table. 

The Explorer begs to be al- 
lowed to occupy a place on a 
pile of hay a little way apart from the group of 
players, from which vantage ground he lies and 
watches the spectral group of silent players — 
silent save for an occasional chaffing remark, 
doubtless regarding the result of the game. We 
detect the hired man making eyes at the daughter, 
who blushes — or it may be the feeble glow of the 
lantern reflected, on her cheek. All the time there 
is a rhythmical sound of the cattle chewing their 
cud. Occasionally they stop to shift it to the 
other side of their mouth, or to exchange it for a 



ANOTHER CANDLE- 
LIGHT STUDY. 



Four Centuries After 293 



new one from their convenient temporary storage. 
Their peaceful rumination, along with the novelty 
of- the scene, makes another picture worthy a 
frame. 

As the evening wears away, we plainly see that 
Cupid strays even into the by-ways. If this 
treacherous little fellow isn't playing havoc with 
the hearts of the hired man and the daughter, our 
knowledge of human nature is misleading. 

When the party breaks up we ask to remain 
just where we are all night — we much prefer clean 
hay to the undiscovered heart of the bed we got 
a glimpse of. We are accorded this privilege, and 
they go out and lock us in. 

MISUSE OF iMAGiNA- Whllc wc llc \\(txQ. \\\ thc dark 
TioN. ^g ^]-y |-Q imagine that we are 

really in a Venetian palace, our life and money 
perfectly safe ; but our thought will stray from 
such a picture into the domain of the " penny- 
terrible." Not long since we read the statement 
(well intended to reassure the timid explorer) 
that " eight times as many murders are committed 
in Italy as in any other European country ! " 
This information is wont to come to mind just at 
a time when the knowledge that the millennium 
were about at hand would really be much more 
acceptable. Not long since, while trudging along 
through Eastern Lombardy, we chanced to espy 
by the roadside a marble cross, partly concealed 
by a rose-bush. Pushing the bush aside, we found 
that the stone bore an inscription in Italian. Our 
very limited knowledge of this language per- 



KEEN DISCERNMENT. 



294 Four Centuries After 

mitted us to discover that the stone marked the 
place where some one had met with a violent death. 
The preceding evening, while in Padua, we asked 
the priest if he knew the history of the stone. 
He did, and he related it ; and now we are re- 
viewing the bloody tale in its minutest detail, and 
as we drop to sleep we wonder if the villains who 
have us in charge will mutilate our body or sim- 
ply make a clean cut across our throat. 

On waking this morning, De- 
cember 28th, we discover that we 
are still alive. We know this by our surroundings 
— they couldn't be mistaken for heaven. Finding 
that the continuity of our throat hasn't been mo- 
lested, we get up and make our toilet — a la tramp 
— and as soon as the gallant hired man comes 
along and unlocks our chamber-door we make 
our exit into the snowy morn. 

XV 

We find that we are in sight of 

AND THIS IS VENICE ! , , , , , 

the lagoon ; and out there, partly 
veiled in a mist which the rising sun has tinged 
with gold, rests " the Queen of the Sea," looking 
very bridelike in her mantle of spotless snow. 
And this is Venice ! With which, we forget all 
discomforts — we do not feel the snow nor the cold 
of the mist-laden breeze from the north ; we see a 
city in the sea — rising, as it were, from out the sea ; 
and the vision warms our soul — but later we dis- 
cover that the warmth hardly reaches our feet. 



Four Centuries After 295 

and a sensation of discomfort in that distant 
quarter (or, more correctly, half) of our body in- 
trudes on our contemplation, and we go stamping 
along, trying to get up circulation throughout the 
length and breadth of the Expedition. 

We cross the lagoon, through 

A YIELDING CARPET => ' => 

OF VENETIAN thc mazc of piles marking the 

"slush." jjj^g q£ deep water, and land in 

Venice. Here we find, on closer inspection, that 
the snow — the beautiful snow, about which poets 
rave — is already slightly soiled, and has reached 
the consistency of " slush " — so called up our 
way. Everywhere it is being shovelled into the 
sea. They have no use for it in Venice — the 
whole city doesn't own a sled. The youngster 
of Venice doesn't know what it is to coast or 
"slide down-hill" — there is no down-hill in Ven- 
ice. When you have taken the sliding down- 
hill, the snow-balling, the constructing of snow 
houses and men, the skating, and like sports that 
come with winter — when you have taken all this 
hilarity from the life of the boy up our way, you 
have taken much, very much, from the real live 
"boy." To be sure, there is much left, but that 
which is left would grow monotonous if a winter 
didn't come along once a year to bring variety. 
So we at once feel sorry for the boy of Venice. 

XVI 

WE don't like to And now, before we forget it, 

BOAST, but— ^g must observe that our tramp 

from the Venice of the North to the Venice of the 



296 Four Centuries After 

South is completed. It will be remembered that 
the Expedition left the former city on the after- 
noon of November 2d. In the meantime, we 
have traversed the land of the Dutchman, we have 
crossed the German Empire, passed through the 
land of William Tell, and have now just com- 
pleted the passage of Maccaroni-land. We have sat 
by the fireside with the poor (who are the repre- 
sentative) people of these countries ; we have 
eaten at the same table with them, and we have 
slept under the same roof, although not in the 
same bed, with them. We have often been forced 
to accept very humble accommodation, but more 
often we have chosen such accommodation — not 
in the way of economy alone, but because it 
carried us into the byways of European travel and 
disclosed much that could not have been reached 
by other means. This tramp has not, of course, 
been a symphony without a break, or false note, 
throughout its length ; but, on the whole, there 
was less of the unpleasant than we expected on 
setting out. We found novelty where we might 
have found fault. It may interest the reader to 
scan some of the bills of fare we found in the by- 
ways — he will find them easy reading, but in not 
a few instances he would have had some diffi- 
culty — he would have needed a deal of courage 
(moral, physical, and stomachic courage) to eat 
the food referred to — unless he had tramped all 
day in the air, which makes a gourmand of a 
gourmet. Although we tried the accommodation 
of some of the best hotels along our route, we will 



Four Centuries After 297 

not mention this experience, as any one with 
money can, and usually does, eat and lodge in 
the better grade of hotel. 

We can live — no, we will say 

LIVE ? OR EXIST ? . . 

exist — m Italy, at a smaller mon- 
etary expense than in Northern Europe, but if we 
are to count wear and tear of our digestive econ- 
omy anything, the cost of living in Italy is pretty 
nearly up to that of the other countries we have 
foraged in. 

Here is the most reasonable (or unreasonable, 
according to your digestion) accommodation we 
found in Italy : 

Vino (native wine) 60 centesimi. 

Pane (bread) 15 

Minestra (soup, consisting of maccaroni, 

etc.) 25 

Uovi (three eggs) 60 "■ 

Alloggio (chamber, lodging for night).. 30 " 

Total / 1 . 90 

There you have the minimum cost of one meal 
and a night's lodging in a byway of Italy — one lira 
and ninety centesimi — or about thirty-eight cents 
Columbian money. Here is another reasonable 
bill: 

Cena (supper, including wine) /. i . 60 

Camera (chamber, or lodging) 1.50 

Colazione (breakfast) i . 00 

Total /. 4.10 



298 Four Centuries After 



Supper, lodging, and breakfast, eighty cents ! 
And here is another : 

Vino (wine) /. i . 10 

Pane (bread) 20 

Minestra (soup) .60 

Costoletta (veal cutlet) .70 

Formaggio (cheese) .25 

Alloggio (lodging) 2 . 00 

Caffe e latte (breakfast, coffee with milk). ... .60 

Total /. 5.45 

And here is still another : 

Minestra (soup) .30 

Pane (bread) .10 

Carne e legumi (meat and peas) i • 50 

Vino e zucchero (wine and sugar) i .00 

Camera (lodging) 2 . 00 

Colazione (breakfast) i.io 

Total /. 6 . GO 

You will observe that the vino is ever present — - 
in even the most modest bill of fare. They all 
drink wine in Italy, and as it was easier had than 
water, we drank quantities of it. This wine hadn't 
the effect of causing you to grope around, "the 
next day," in space a foot or so from your head 
under the delusion that it is out there. You will 
also observe that the lodging in the first bill is 
valued at thirty centesimi, or about six cents our 
money. It was just about as commodious as the 
article rated at two lire in the other bill. The cost 
of lodging in Italy is nominal. The bed, though, 
isn't as neat — the linen isn't as spotlessly white — as 



Fozir Centuries After 299 

that found in the Northern European bed ; but 
when it comes to frescos — rooms for which we 
have paid from twenty to forty cents contained 
frescos that would cost many hundreds of dollars 
to reproduce in New York City. Some rooms 
were gorgeous : and when there was a full moon 
to illuminate these rooms, we would lie awake in 
bed admiring Lombard art and wondering if we 
really felt something crawling, or if it was the 
effect of the bewitching moon. 

XVII 



THE EXPEDITION IS 



After passing through all this, 
PLACED TO SOAK— ITS our first sclf-lmposcd duty (under- 

PHVS.CAI. CONDITION. ^^^^^^ J,, ^^g ^^^^ ^^ ^^^ iuStigation 

of the health-officers of Venice) was to place the 
Expedition to soak in a bath-tub — then we in- 
terviewed " the merchant of Venice." 

The Expedition is in fine health, not a case of 
yellow fever or scurvy having appeared to thin 
our ranks. It is true that, as the result of an in- 
growing toe-nail, the Expedition has occasionally 
started off of a morning with a slight limp ; while 
this was a little inconvenient, it has been at no time 
so serious a matter as to cause alarm. We have 
thought all along that, should the perversity of 
this nail threaten seriously to delay the Expedi- 
tion, we would not hesitate to extirpate or ampu- 
tate the whole toe. We shouldn't be stubborn as 
to the style of surgical operation. We believe in 
heroic treatment as the only means at the honor- 
able disposal of a hero ; and should occasion have 



300 Four Centuries After 

called for extreme measures, there would have 
been a whish ! and off she goes ! " We are the 
stuff that soldiers and sailors are made of." 

At one time, believing that we were acquiring a 
bunion, I philosophized : " If ' Pilgrim's Progress ' 
was the manifestation of a bunion, why not a 
bunion the result of a pilgrim's progress ?" You 
can reconcile yourself to almost anything you can 
believe to be the unavoidable result of your own 
acts. 

One day a pain got into a tooth of the Expedi- 
tion. The size of the tooth gave an uninterested 
spectator no notion of the boundless scope of that 
pain. For a time, it seemed as vast as all Eternity 
and as all-absorbing as the first-born. The ques- 
tion of treatment came up, when, in his momentary 
delirium, the Great Explorer suggested, with a 
flourish, as radical treatment, decapitation, over- 
looking the fact, self-evident to a mind untroubled 
by physical pain, that such heroic treatment would 
very much embarrass the purpose of the Expedition. 
This trait went to show the courageous stuff of 
which the Expedition is composed. If a man is 
wanting in courage, he will show it when he is 
wrestling with an aching tooth, and while it may 
take moral courage to stand in court and be cross- 
examined when you know you have been lying, it 
takes physical courage to go about calmly and com- 
placently with a smile on your face, and a tooth in 
your mouth that seems to be focalizing all the 
misery in Christendom. Smiles and pain rarely 
blossom side by side on the same stock. 



Four Centuries After 301 



Right here I am inspired to 

don't ! . 

write a poem on the difinculties of 
rearing a plant that shall bear both smiles and 
pain, but, not wishing to cause the sensitive reader 
unnecessary pain, I will get up and work off the 
unnatural inspiration on my sand-bag, which I 
have suspended near at hand in my room. A few 
moments of active physical exercise will usually 
quell an invading inspiration of like nature. I 
should heartily (not maliciously) recommend the 
sand-bag to all who are subject to like attacks — 
that is, if they love their fellow-men. I used to 
know a dear old gentleman (a true Christian, I 
sincerely believe — gone to his reward, peace be with 
him !) who would say, on offering advice like the 
above : " Brethren, let us pray ! " 

But to get back to the Expedition — on the morn- 
ing following a day's tramp in the rain and a night 
spent in a bed that had not been slept in for many 
days, the Expedition noticed that there was a feel- 
ing in its running gear — a sensation at the knees 
as though it needed lubricating — a feeling as if 
they might be heard to squeak. As soon as we 
get fairly under way and warmed up, this feeling 
disappears, but while present, it causes a decid- 
edly uneasy apprehension. 

AS YET, WE HAVE HAD As yct, wc havcn't heard of an 
NO "relief." expedition having been sent out 
to relieve us. Nor have we heard that even an at- 
tempt has been made to raise a fund for our relief. 
Such neglect is not at all flattering. We would 
even be willing to subscribe to such a fund. But 



302 Four Centuries After 

it may be that we haven't been lost long enough. 
We don^'t believe in being untimel)^, and we should 
kick most vigorously (as did Emin Pasha) if there 
should be an unseasonable attempt at rescuing 
the Expedition. And, come to think the matter 
over, we are convinced that there is much more 
to be seen and discovered. We met a well-dressed 
American the other day (another of the species 
we are fond of meeting, they are so original), who 
said that he had been in Europe two weeks, but 
that he wasn't going home for a week or so, and 
continued, " I'm going to hang out till I get my 
full." He referred to that part of his anat- 
omy bounded by the lower half of his waistcoat, 
and, although he doubtless intended to gain force 
by clothing his idea in a metaphor, the literal 
reference in the presence of a mixed company was 
somewhat startling, to say the least. On recover- 
ing from the shock his announcement caused our 
delicately tuned sensibilities, we told him that 
much depended on what he was to fill said recep- 
tacle with — and we asked him what he thought 
of maccaroni, anyway. His reply was clothed in 
language unsuited for a sober work like this. 
"iwiLLHAVKTODis- ^ ^^-^^st not forgct to add that 
PENSK WITH YOUR thc succcss of thc Expedition, thus 

SERVICES." r ■ • <- i 1 

far, IS m a great measure to be 
attributed to the heroic courage and unfaltering 
constancy of my followers. It would be the 
height of injustice not to acknowledge this 
indebtedness — of course ; but, notwithstanding 
the excellent service they have rendered me, I 



Four Centuries After 303 

must dispense with it henceforth. I must reduce 
my expenses, and to do so I will have to push on 
entirely alone. There is another reason, however, 
besides that looking to economy, which leads me 
to " go it alone " ; namely, I am getting just a little 
tired of referring to "us, we, and ours" — and I 
have no doubt the reader shares this fatigue, and 
will find the more frequent use of the personal 
pronoun " I " quite refreshing. 
AS I AM PERFECTLY I antlclpatc tliat each and every 
SECURE. one of my lieutenants will publish 

a book fully as thick as my own, setting forth 
therein their views — how they would have done it : 
how they would have surmounted the obstacles we 
have encountered ; how they would have enacted 
Faust ; how they would have passed through the 
crockery ordeal ; how they would have fixed upon 
the true source of the Rhine, though frozen stiff. 
They will devote much space to telling how they 
were shamefully deserted in a foreign land — in a 
word, they will act in a very human way and show 
the world that they are jealous of the fame that 
will surely come to me. x\lthough I anticipate all 
this, I feel perfectly secure, as /, Chief of the 
Expedition, shall have a biographer who will fix 
my fame and clarify my character. My biog- 
rapher's services will act on my character very 
much like that of an ^%g in our coffee. What an 
example we would set for posterity if we could all 
have a biographer ! 



304 Four Centuries After 

XVIII 

The history of Venice is very 

LIKE THE DOINGS OF -' -' 

"a LAO AND HIS intercsting; it seems like the 
LAMP. ' evolution of much out of noth- 

ing, and in many respects reminds one of the 
vicissitudes of the founders of the Dutch Venice. 
We have observed that everything has to have a 
starting-point ; so, as a preliminary to the evolu- 
tion of Venice, the rivers emptying into the 
Adriatic brought down sediment from the interior 
of the continent and deposited it along the north- 
west shore of the sea, as a tribute to the Adriatic 
for the privilege of pouring their waters into her 
dominion. This thing went on for many years 
before history took note of the growing fact (and 
we will observe that the filling-in process is still 
going on, leaving seaports far inland) — went 
quietly on year after year, until the contributed 
sediment began to pile up and protrude in places 
of small area above the sea, and these places soon 
grew to the dignity of islands. About this time, 
during the fifth century, Attila — surnamed The 
Fear of the World — led the Huns over the Alps 
into what is now Northern Italy, and made it 
exceedingly unpleasant for the inhabitants of the 
invaded country. It would seem that Attila's 
Hunny suasion resembled not the honey distilled 
by the bee ; he would swoop down on a people, 
and with one fell swipe would wipe them out as 
effectually as " rough on rats." It seems that a 
few of the inhabitants of Eastern Venetia espied 



Four Centuries After 305 

these rudimentary islets out in tlie lagoon, and, 
not at all liking the methods of the Hungarian 
invader, they packed up their worldly effects and 
took up their abode on one of them. Like the 
founders of the Venice of the North, this little 
band began fishing. While circumstances favored 
fishing, it seemed to favor no other industry, and 
being of a philosophical turn of mind, as well as 
good fishermen, they chose the life of a fisherman 
to the untimely death of a Venetian landlord. 
THEY ACTUALLY Thcsc pcoplc, In whom adver- 

CAUGHT THEIR FISH ! gity bcgot thrift, fishcd and fished 
until they had acquired some wealth, which they 
invested in ships. The first exploit with these 
ships was the destruction of a band of pirates 
dwelling on the east coast of the Adriatic. Having 
achieved this initial victory, their leader, or Doge, 
constituted himself Protectorate (and thereby 
became a self-made Protectorate) of the sea in 
those parts, and thus receiving in consequence the 
title of Duke. 

Next, the Venetians undertook the transpor- 
tation of the Crusaders. They made considerable 
money out of this enterprise. While there were 
very few Venetians who cared to rescue Jerusalem, 
they were ready to encourage the enterprise by 
transporting the enthusiasts for so much per head 
— there was money in it for them, as Messrs. Cook 
& Son would say to-day. 

BECOME POWERFUL, I'^ tlmc, the Vcnctlans grew so 

AND THEN— wcalthy and powerful, it was no 

crime for them to filch the splendor from the less 
20 



Tf06 Four Centuries After 

powerful Eastern cities. Had the Venetians been 
less powerful than their neighbors, their conduct 
would have been considered wrong, according to 
the established code of ethics, and they would 
have deserved, and doubtless have received, chas- 
tisement. History teaches us that a people who 
show their hatred of oppression by valiantly fight- 
ing to escape the hand of their oppressor will, 
on gaining their hard-bought freedom, turn 
around and oppress others less fortunate of their 
fellow-beings — will take from their weaker neigh- 
bors the same rights which they gained the world's 
applause in fighting for. 

THEY TOOK NOTHING Thc Vcnetlans remarked that 
OUT OF THEIR REACH, ^^gy ^^d fishcd loug cnough, and 
fought long enough, to entitle them to act the 
role of oppressor ; and, washing away the fish- 
like smell, and assuming a haughty air, they set 
about playing their part. They dismantled the 
cities that were accessible to their navy, and car- 
ried the fittings to their little jewel in the sea. 
Knowing full well that real flesh and blood horses 
would be of no service in their narrow spot of 
earth, they stole bronze horses. They pillaged 
cities of their most precious marbles, lugged them 
home, and cut them up into slabs, with which they 
veneered their city. And thus, at the expense of 
other cities, the Venetians built their city in the 
sea — a conglomeration of splendor — a mosaic that 
dazzles and thrills the spectator until, at the 
height of his transport, he exclaims : " At last, I 
have found it I " 



Four Centuries After 307 

The Venetians of to-day do 
not fish — they are too genteel for 
such offensive employment. A large portion of 
them, however, are genteel paupers. In Venice, 
toil, like virtue, is its own reward. To be exact, 
labor does receive a slight recompense, which is 
far from enough to encourage virtue, and we dis- 
covered several cases where virtue was rated at so 
paltry a price, and a sale seemed so pitiably 
urgent, we paid the purchase price, but were quite 
satisfied with wisdom and sorrow as a return for 
our outlay, and with which we hurried on. 

XIX 



DISAPPOINTMENT AND 
APPREHENSION. 



I was disappointed in Venice, 
on making the discovery that 
while Amsterdam, the Venice of the North, has 
six hundred bridges, this, the real and original 
Venice, has but three hundred and six bridges. 
This was a painful disappointment, and made me 
feel very apprehensive about my being able to do 
the city without chartering a Gondolier by the 
season. To be outdone by a Dutchman must be 
humiliating to the Venetian. Then, too, I have 
discovered another source of apprehension in the 
fact that this city, like the Ancient Mariner, sees 
" water, water everywhere, but not a drop to 
drink " — save that brought by aqueduct from the 
mountains inland, and that precipitated by pass- 
ing clouds. Supposing the conduit should burst, 
wouldn't we get awfully thirsty ? ■ 



}o8 Four C cutleries After 



The first place which the tour- 

DOES HE ? . . . , , , . . . 

ist Visits on reaching this city is, 
of course, St. Mark's. I would ask the reader, 
should he ever visit A^enice, to step into St. Mark's 
some morning when the sun has about reached the 
zenith. Choose a time when you feel that you 
are quite at your liberty. Having taken your 
stand, note the effect of the feeble lamp-light (for 
the lamps of St. Mark's are never extinguished) on 
the interior ; then follow the course of some sun- 
beam, that comes sifting through from above, to 
where its progress is arrested. Note the marked 
general effect of light and shade — the effect on 
the splendor of the interior decorations — on the 
upturned faces of the worshippers. Listen to the 
whispered prayers from out the tomblike silence. 
Stand where you are for some time, and you begin 
to wonder what all this means. Your thoughts 
come teeming on : Is this worship ? Does the 
God who sees and knows all, approve of this 
splendor while the shadow of yon campanile 
rests on want and misery and their resulting vices ? 
Yes ; there are sermons in stones, even in those 
stones on which art has placed its spell ; and for 
some of God's people there is a forceful, if not 
eloquent, sermon in man's short-sightedness. 
don't STOP TO REASON, Whllc In thc trcasury of St. 
BUT "believe." Mark's, I am reminded that I am 
approaching the East. " Blood of the Saviour, a 
fragment of the true cross, a piece of the skull of 
St. John," etc. Just think ! blood of the Saviour, 
and a fragment of the true cross — not of the spu- 



Foul' Centuries After 309 

rious thing exhibited in cathedrals elsewhere. 
While at Jerusalem, we were — but Jerusalem is 
elsewhere. 

When, as the modern discoverer, you turn your 
face toward the East, your first duty to your 
own peace of mind is to become as credulous as a 
child. Should you stop to reason, should you say, 
" Can this be the genuine thing — could it have 
survived through all these ages?" the spell would 
surely be broken, and faith in man, at least, be 
sadly shaken. Should that first garment, made 
from the inspiration of sin in that far-off Garden 
of Eden, be pointed out to you, do not smile, do 
not scoff, I pray you, but try hard to believe that 
it be the identical fig-leaf garment Eve donned to 
conceal her shame, and which, by some means 
unknown to advanced science, has been preserved 
for your edification. If you can bring yourself to 
believe all this — to believe all that shall be told 
you to be true, much is in store for you, and you 
will shed many and many a tear from eyes that 
may not have been thus dimmed since you out- 
grew the cares of youth — and your guide will be 
abundantly backshished. 



XX 



THEIR WAYS ARE MORE I sm toW that evcry part of 
THAN DEVIOUS. Vcnicc Is acccssiblc on foot. 
This is doubtless true (some people even say that 
the North Pole is accessible), though I know of 
many long, narrow streets that ought not to be 



3IO Four Centuries After 

accessible, as they end in disappointment, or, 
more correctly, " pockets," one side formed by a 
canal, and the cold, bare walls of houses on the 
other side and at the bottom. These places are 
altogether too accessible. After you have confi- 
dently walked into a few of these blind alleys, 
you feel as though you would like to box the 
compass, or the ears of the architect who planned 
the city. 

I have discovered one charming feature, or trait, 
of the streets of Venice, though, which reminds 
me in a striking degree of the streets of Boston : 
they (the streets) are so nicely, or awfully, con- 
structed that they return the pedestrian to his 
place of departure within a very brief time and 
space — or, at least, that is what they have done for 
one of their explorers. It was not found neces- 
sary, either, that the pedestrian be placarded, " If 
not called for within ten days, return," etc. 

Having navigated the principal canals, I thought 
I would see how much of Venice I could get over 
on foot, and, with this end in view — no, this end 
wasn't in view — I started out from the Piazza San 
Marco by a street leading due west, or said to do 
so, intending to keep a westerly course until I 
should reach the extreme west end of the city. I 
didn't use a compass nor much common-sense, but 
kept plodding along, enjoying the shifting street 
scenes until my surroundings began to seem 
strangely familiar. I was somewhat surprised at 
this, but kept on, till directly I came to a large 
open square, the like of which there is not another 



Four Centwies After 311 

in the world. Yes, there were the bronze horses, 
and yonder, on a lofty pillar, poised the winged lion 
of San Marco. Without a doubt, or a valet de place, 
I was back in the Piazza — my place of departure 
but a brief time since — and, as the scheme dawned 
upon me, I soliloquized, " Ha ! ha ! " 
THAT LAW WHICH SoMc onc has been quoted as 

MOULDS A TEAR- havlng sald that, " If at first you 
don't succeed, try, try again." So I made a brand- 
new departure, and was again soon absorbed in the 
study of Venetian street life. I know not how 
long I travelled, nor how far, but I do know that 
when I came out of my somnambulent trance I 
discovered myself in the Piazza, the like of which, 
as I have had occasion to remark before, there is 
not another in this world. Here I soliloquized, 
" Ha, ha, ha — and if at first you don't succeed ! " 
For the third time I started out to walk the 
streets of Venice. This time I swore by the bronze 
horses of San Marco I would discover a westerly 
passage, or — return to the Piazza. I didn't wish 
to do anything rash, so I formulated a mild and 
modest oath. This time, though, I took the Mer- 
ceria — a street which promised to lead through a 
long line of shops to the Rialto. I actually 
reached and crossed the bridge, and continued 
westward (?). Occasionally I would catch a 
glimpse of the Grand Canal, but its grandeur 
would offer no knowledge of the course I was 
taking, as this canal takes up every point of the 
compass in its course through the city ; and, by the 
way, if you have any doubt about the effect of 



312 Four Centuries After 

direction on the needle of tlie compass, just hold 
it in front of you while you make the run by the 
little Omnibus steamers from St. Mark's to the 
railroad station. You will observe that the little 
needle seems as uneasy as "a pea on a hot shovel" 
— it will be still at no time during the run, and so 
near as I recollect, in a like experiment, it turned 
from two to three complete somersaults. 

It was along this canal that I ran into countless 
streets that always looked inviting, as they had 
the canal for one side and appeared more airy than 
those with the walls of buildings on both sides, but 
like many pleasures in this world they were short 
and, as I have said, ended in disappointment and 
exasperation. 

I walked a long, long time on this excursion, 
crossed 306 bridges (or every bridge in this city 
of bridges), when my surroundings began to grow 
strangely familiar. Then I entered a piazza, the 
like of which there is not another in the world. 

This was my first attempt at shaping a course 
on foot through this city of canals, bridges, streets 
with brief careers and with streets that eventually 
lead, not to Rome, but to the Piazza San Marco. 
Later, I could well afford to smile at my blunders 
of that day — now the streets of Venice are as clear 
to me as a chess-board — or nearly so. 

XXI 

MIND OVER MATTER ? I try not to forgct the grace 
■ OR CONVERSELY ? ^j^d poctry of motioH of the gon- 
dola, but my mind will, in spite of my effort to 



Four Centuries After 313 

the contrary, picture myself either in a Black 
Maria en route for Ludlow Street Jail, or the chief 
feature in a procession to Greenwood — the unre- 
lenting sombre color of the gondola is so funereal 
in its effect on its susceptible passenger. To-day, 
toward evening, the sun came out for a short 
season to glorify Venice. I strolled down the 
Piazzetta to where the gondoliers were standing 
idly by their boats, and, after some bickering, I 
chartered a gondola, for an excursion up the 
Grand Canal, returning by way of the lagoon. 

The gondolier takes his position, scull in hand, 
and begins his swaying motion. The gondola 
moves — moves through the water with a motion 
that seems at first unpleasantly snake-like. Up 
the palace-lined canal we glide, the radiance and 
warmth of the declining sun making me forgetful 
of the chill and discomfort of the past. To the 
musical cry of my boatman comes the response of 
the passing gondolier — and I feel that I am in 
Venice, maybe the Doge in his gilded Bucentaur 
going out to take unto himself a very wet bride, 
the Adriatic ; and I twirl the ring on my finger, 
while the temptation to cast it into the sea to fur- 
ther the spell causes the wearer to slip it off — and 
put it in an inside pocket, where it can be got at 
when I reach the place with the three balls. This 
spell, which I am courting so studiously, after a 
time takes a very firm hold of me, and I effectually 
succeed in forgetting that the gondolier is out at 
one lira an hour — I forget that my letter of 
credit (that dear little billet-doux) is growing wan 



3 1 4 Four Centuries After 

and thin, and that I am not a " Jim the Penman." 
Yes, the spell, the ecstatic spell is on ! * * * 

Can it be that I have been taking opium, or 
hashish ? Or is this but the bewitchery of Venice ? 

We drift out of the city into the lagoon — into a 
sea of fire — past the serenaders, and on till the 
pulsations of their enchanting strains grow feeble 
— die — we drift on — on — on. * * * 

A change comes o'er the vision of my dreams ! 
My gondolier cries, in his most musical accents : 
" Piazzetta ! — Tre lire cinqumita centestmi, signore ! " 
He gets it, just as the realities of life redawh on 
his dazed passenger. 

XXII 

A BRIEF SOJOURN IN ^ Spent tO'day in the palace of 
PARADISE ii^Q Doge. (No, my illiterate 

friend, it isn't a dog-kennel, and I am surprised 
that you should make such a mistake.) I took 
this opportunity to study the coloring of Tin- 
toretto and Titian. I dearly love — I borrowed 
this term from a young lady whose sensibilities are 
so keen she nearly goes into a trance on witnessing 
a rainbow or a sunset of many colors — I dearly 
love to study Tintoretto and Titian on color, par- 
ticularly so on a rainy day. It rains to-day — a 
cold, drizzling rain, containing none of the cheer- 
ful features of an April patter-on-the-roof shower, 
but a drizzle, wholly wanting in sentiment. So I 
turn to Tintoretto and Titian for warmth and 
cheer, and I get it. Tintoretto's "Venice, Queen 



Four Ce?ituries After 315 



of the Adriatic," has no rain in it ; "Venice En- 
throned," by Paul Veronese, has no rain in it, and 
the celebrated painting of " Paradise," by Tin- 
toretto, of course, has no rain in it. Just 
imagine the feelings of a mortal who has turned 
from a " nawsty " rainy day on this terrestrial 
sphere to the largest known Paradise ! This 
would have the effect of rendering some discon- 
solate people absolutely miserable. They would 
at once set about contrasting their own unhappy 
lot with the happy throng in Paradise. Not so 
the philosopher who has derived pleasure in tramp- 
ing across a continent. As he stands before 
" Paradise," he imagines himself one of the winged 
throng, trying to fly a little higher than all the 
rest. You say that this is a presumptuous flight 
of the imagination, considering moral character 
and other gravitating paraphernalia. Now, my 
dear (I am addressing. Hank), there is wherein you 
err. An artist impersonating a character forgets 
self — wouldn't even loan him (self) a shilling on 
the strength of acquaintanceship — and becomes the 
character he would personate, according to his 
conception of it. Having arrived at manhood, 
should you wish to personate a cherub you must 
forget that you have passed the cherub stage and 
imagine yourself ripe for the cast — then you will 
be a cherub ; and although your audience may 
not see a real Rubens cherub, they will see the 
artist and appreciate his histrionic powers. No ; 
an artist of the Great Explorer's calibre experiences 
no difficulty in climbing into Paradise. And what 



31 6 Four Centu}-ies After 



a jolly, frolicsome, good time I do have, anyhow, 
as we go flitting about among the clouds — clouds 
on which we float, in a swanlike way, when we 
wish to rest our wings. In reality, our flight is con- 
fined to an area of canvas exactly 74 feet by 30 
feet. And this- is " quite a spread of canvas," 
as we sailors express it in speaking of canvas — 
canvas enough to drive a pretty large craft. But 
the scope of Tintoretto appears to have had no 
limitation, save possibly that represented by the 
walls of his studio. I am told by this great 
artist's biographer that Tintoretto prayed for the 
contract to do this great masterpiece, so that he 
might inherit a place in the original (heavenly) 
Paradise ; and I trust he was accorded the place 
of honor therein. As I doff my sylph-like wings 
and change my diaphanous robes for those more 
becoming a mortal, and step down and out of 
Paradise, I observe the fellow-mortals standing 
about in moist mackintoshes — what a transition ! — 
and I am reminded of Milton's " Paradise Lost." 
In this same salon are the 

YOU SHOULD NEVER 

LOSE YOUR HEAD— BY portralts of sevcnty-two doges. 
THE guillotine! j^^ ^ vacaut space we read this 
touching memorial : " Hie est locus Marmi Fa- 
lethri, decapitati pro criminibus." Now, this isn't 
the court language of America, so I will freely 
translate it for my illiterate readers, although the 
freedom of my translation may be sat upon by my 
classical friends. It wishes to inform the world 
that a low cuss, by the name of Marino Faliero, 
committed a crime fur which his head was cut off. 



Four Centuries After 317 

This is why his portrait does not appear. A man 
who has lost his head cannot sit for a portrait. 
•This ought to teacii us not to lose our heads; 
and it doubtless taught this Marino (who was also 
a Doge) it were better not to butt too heavily 
against the will of his subjects — not to lose his 
temper and criticise a nobleman, who, under the 
influence of wine, etc., takes undue liberties with 
the maid of honor, or, brushing aside social lines, 
a maid of anything else. 

A FAMOUS, BUT ^^ thc room where the Doge's 

PARTIAL, MAP. shleWs of arms were placed after 
his election, I find Fra Mauro's famous Map of the 
World, as known to Europe in 1457-59. This was 
at a time before the Western continent had dis- 
covered Europe. America is very conspicuous for 
its absence in this map. How cheap these people 
must feel in the "social fringe" of the world of 
1892. I venture to say that they are sorry they 
slighted us as they did. I notice that the Euro- 
pean geographer includes America nowadays — 
allows it much space. While in Milan, I stepped 
into a shop making a specialty of maps, and in- 
quired for an English edition of an Italian map. 
At first the proprietor acted decidedly indifferent, 
till a remark I made gave him to understand I 
was a true type of American manhood. This in- 
formation caused all indifference to disappear, and 
the man straightened up until his suspender but- 
tons snapped. He had mistaken the Expedition 
for an English enterprise. I bought a map for 
which I paid a whole lira, and the proprietor acted 



A SHADE AS DEEP AS 
MUDDY WATER. 



318 Four Centuries After 

extravagantly affable, accompanying me to the 
door and making a salaam, or " so long ! " that 
nearly rubbed his nose on the floor. But, oh, it's 
a great privilege to be an American ! 

I now visit the old prison. For 
effect, my guide carries a flicker- 
ing taper. It is very effective — its flicker is per- 
fect, in these damp, awfully dismal stone cells, to 
which not a ray of sunlight penetrates. My guide 
speaks English imperfectly — very imperfectly ; 
and the way he tells me one step down — three 
steps down — no step here — careful, one step — 
and gives the cheerful history of each cell, can't 
be imitated. Here I recall my brief sojourn in 
Paradise a few moments since. What an inde- 
scribable contrast ! A veritable Dante's Inferno — 
a Tintoretto's Paradise ! What examples of man's 
inhumanity to man this place calls up ! And I 
ask, where do we really find that God sanctions 
man's taking the life of his fellow-men ? Is it 
found in His Word ? Have we a moral right to 
do more than place the offender of human and 
divine laws under restraint, and thus allow him an 
opportunity to seek his own salvation ? Can we 
say that the man who has suffered capital punish- 
ment has acted his own free moral agent ? Had 
he been suffered to live, might he not have under- 
gone a change of heart — -in a word, become a 
changed man ? whereas man's interference sent 
another soul to an awful reward. The old law 
that took " an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a 
tooth," has become obsolete ? 



Four Centuries After 319 

Did you ever sit down by your- 

THKN DO SO AT ONCE. , ,. . , , 

self and think what it means to 
ta'ke the life of a fellow-man — to cut his head 
right off, so that you may say, Here's the head, and 
over there, a rod or so away, is the trunk ? It is 
quite evident that such treatment means death to 
the animal. But the soul — that something which 
identifies the man — what have you done with that ? 
What have you done for that ? Are yOu a little 
selfish — are you a little cowardly, in depriving this 
being of another chance at redemption ? To be 
sure, you have lessened the danger to your own life 
- — your own chances of survival are better. You 
know the. danger a swimmer incurs in attempting to 
rescue a drowning man ? Yet many swimmers have 
hazarded their lives in rescuing would-be suicides. 
"Thou shalt not kill ! " What are we to under- 
stand by that one of the Ten Commandments 
written on Mt. Sinai.? The command is unquali- 
fied, "Thou shalt not kill." This is the Divine 
law ; yet man presumes to make a law that legal- 
izes killing — man says that he who shall wilfully 
take the life of his fellow-man thereby forfeits his 
own mortal existence. Who, unless he himself 
have committed murder in thought or in deed, can 
understand the working of a mind that plans and 
executes murder? In the sight of the Author of 
the Decalogue, is it any worse to disobey the 
whole ten than it is to take exception to one ? 

You can shake up this vital 

question as you would a kaleido- 
scope, and at every shift you see- something of 



320 Four Centuries After 

interest. Is theJ death penalty the last lingering 
shadow of the Dark Ages that falls across the 
year 1892, or is it an institution that shall live 
until the coming of the millennium ? To fully 
appreciate this subject, the socialist's head should 
be resting on the executioner's block ; on any 
other occasion he would not be stirred to an appre- 
ciation of its awful weight. 

I pass through this prison in a 

VES, QUITE CHEERFUL. ./-•!. T17-1 X 1 

sort of nightmare. When I reach 
the place of execution and peer down into the 
hole in the stone floor through which the limp 
fruit of the executioner was cast, I wonder how 
my guide can resist the temptation to waylay me, 
strip my form of its wealth of artificial adornment, 
and dump the dross into this very hole ! It's 
cheerful to know that he did have the moral 
courage to resist that almost overpowering temp- 
tation, and so relieved did I feel when we again 
reached the light of day, I — fee'd this man before 
he had time to ask me ! This circumstance is phe- 
nomenal, of course, but "I can act quickly in an 
emergency," as the demonstrator observed when 
a drop of molten lead was accidentally spilled from 
the crucible down the back of his neck. 
THE SIZE OF A SIGH IS I Icavc thc palacc of the Doges 
DETERMINED BY- aud takc 2i stroll around in front 
until I reach the Fojtte della Paglia. Here I 
stop and gaze up a dark narrow canal, a prison 
on one side, a palace on the other. I stand in 
a reflective attitude for some time, then I hear 
you ask, "Why dost thou sigh ?" Assuming that 



Four Centuries After 321 

there is a time and place for all things, I believe 
that my sigh is timely. I am gazing at the Bridge 
of- Sighs. It isn't the size of this renowned bridge 
that causes these sighs ; its size is forgotten when 
I think of the heartfelt sighs that have resounded 
through its covered passage-way ; and although 
the original sighs were long since stilled in an 
awful death, my vivid imagination, assisted by my 
own apt imitation of the sobs and sighs of saddened 
souls, bridges o'er the time that has elapsed, and I 
— turn and continue my walk down the Riva della 
Schiavona. 

XXIII 



A SIGHT DRAFT. 



While standing in the post-office 
to-day, dividing my attention be- 
tween a letter bearing the United States postmark 
and watching the clerks loading mail-bags into a 
gondola that lay in a canal running closely along- 
side an open doorway, a young, well-dressed man 
approached and asked, in pure Columbian, " Can 
you conveniently spare me a shilling?" and con- 
tinued, by way of explanation, " I have been away 
from home for some time, and by some taisar- 
rangement a letter containing a remittance has 
failed to reach me, and I find myself entirely with- 
out funds, and forced for the time being to rely on 
the charity of fellow-countrymen I may find in this 
city." He recited this in a stereotyped way, with 
few gestures and little emotion. His voice hadn't 
that hollow sound indicative of an empty stomach 
or phthisis, but was full and round, like the con- 
tour of his vest. 



32 2 Four Centuries After 

Intending to honor his modest draft (with the 
same touching degree of fortitude with which I 
honor the draft of a fly bUster), but wishing to get 
my shilHng's worth of information, I asked him 
where he " hailed from." He replied, with a 
slight hesitancy, that Manchester was his home. 
I then asked him if he was acquainted with Smith 
Jones of that city. He looked a little uneasy, 
thought a moment in a dramatic way, and then 
replied that he never had had the pleasure of Mr. 
Jones's acquaintance. I hadn't either, though I 
thought there would be no harm in asking about 
a personage whom I had never met, and who 
existed in my fertile mind alone. I asked him if 
the Bellevue gave as good an entertainment in 
late years as it had in former years. He looked 
very much frightened, and stammered that he 
hadn't been in the place for years and could give 
me no information regarding the quality of its 
performance. 

I handed him a lira, with the advice that he had 
best locate in a town in which he was better ac- 
quainted before he approached another " country- 
man " for assistance, or to get the city directory 
of some one town of modest size and take up his 
abode therein (the directory) until he was thor- 
oughly acquainted with its principal places of 
amusement, its leading citizens, and its geograph- 
ical position on this earth. 

YES, HE WAS REALLY A He took . thc advlcc and lira 
FELLOW-COUNTRYMAN, meckly and then sauntered away. 
When he was gone a postal clerk, who had evi- 



Four Centuries After 323 

dently listened to our conversation, stepped up 
and asked if I knew where the man was from. I 
told -him he claimed Manchester for a residence. 
Then he told me that the man had been inquiring 
for a letter for a week or longer, and had claimed 
to come from New York, and showed a passport 
issued by the United States which gave a very 
good description of its bearer. Could it be that 
a man who had been reared in that country whose 
father was " first in war, first in peace, first in the 
hearts of his countrymen " (finish with a double 
shufile) could depart so far from both his country 
and the truth — stand in a foreign land with our 
spread-eagle passport in his pocket and tell a 
barefaced lie to a fellow-countryman ? 
A FORCED REsoLu- Alas ! what a commentary on 

TioN. Q^j- national reputation for truth- 

fulness ! As the full significance of this young 
man's conduct became apparent to me, I began to 
feel apprehensive for our country's safety, and I 
resolved then and there henceforth to tell the 
truth or hold my peace. I would crucify my 
natural propensity, to save the reputation of my 
countrymen. Never again would I boast of our 
army and navy, and give the exact weight of " the 
fish that got away " ; never again would I tell of 
the quiet way in which we conduct our political 
campaigns — how the office stealthily seeks the man 
— how the nominee has to be clubbed into accept- 
ance ; and, saddest of all, no more could I tell, 
with an excusable tear, that the wife and mother 
of our country is becoming more and more do- 



324 Fou7' Centuries After 

mestic ; that, as a fitting reward for the exalted 
place she has been assigned in the heart and honae 
of the American, she shows more than a willing- 
ness that man, the husband, the father of her chil- 
dren, shall stand at the helm of state ; that she 
feels deserving of no rights that the true Ameri- 
can does not gladly accord his wife and mother ; 
that her highest ambition is to be the wife of a 
true American, the mother and guardian of his 
children, and as such she is virtually the law- 
maker of our land ! Yes, I would preserve a 
stillness that could be felt, and wpep unseen. 



XXIV 

THE ART OF iNsiNu- I dlscover that money gains 
ATiNG A DEMAND. j-j^g cfitree to fflost of the palaces 
in this city. One's social standing doesn't seem 
to be considered, so long as one is well dressed 
and has the small fees — small, but numerous, like 
a certain fauna of Southern Europe — for the vari- 
ous servants who infest these palaces, and who are 
all at your service. The tactics of these servants 
are a study. No matter how rapt I may get with 
my surroundings, I can't forget that they are ever- 
present — not that I would care for an opportunity 
to conceal some bric-a-brac about me — it isn't 
that which causes their presence to disconcert me : 
I am wondering how much cash it will take to 
bribe them into allowing me to escape. The first 
servant who takes me in charge conducts me 



Four Centuries After 325 



through his department, possibly a whole suite of 
rooms, and when he is about to surrender me to 
another servant or keeper, he informs me of his 
intention — tells me that we are about to part, 
breaking the information gently, so as not to 
startle me. The time having arrived for the sur- 
render, he doesn't verbally demand his bribe — he 
doesn't say, "Your money or your-life ! " Oh, no ; 
he is too much the artist to use compromising lan- 
guage : he reaches the door leading out of his 
domain just as he has finished imparting the infor- 
mation that he is about to surrender me into 
other hands ; but here he shows a nice hesitation 
in opening the door, in the meantime bowing in a 
way that would cause a dancing-master envy. I 
have seen some pretty faithful acting before the 
foot-lights, but I have never had the pleasure of 
meeting an artist who could imply so much as is 
conveyed in this introductor}^ bow in our little 
parting scene. I place a coin in the expectant 
hand, the door swings gracefully open, and I am in- 
troduced to my new keeper, who bows acceptance. 
But you hand out your change 

THEY REFLECTED -' J a 

VOICES FOREVER prctty frccly when you find that 
STILLED. yQ^ ^j.g -j^ ^j^g palace of the orig- 

inal Othello, and again when you discover yourself 
in the home of Desdemona. The guide does not 
forget where Lord Byron resided while in Venice, 
and when you are told that you are within walls 
which have been the incubator of poetry — walls 
that have reflected the voice of the author of " Don 
Juan," you are expected to be very liberal. 



326 Four Centuries After 

DO YOU EVER GET I lovc to Hngct about the Rialto 

THAT WAY ? — thg original and only Rialto, 

which bears no resemblance to the pseudo article 
in Union Square. I have met many a Shylock 
here, and I ached to have one step up and dun me 
for loaned money long past due. Wouldn't I stand 
out, though ? Wouldn't I upbraid the son of Jacob 
for his avarice? Wouldn't I wax eloquent until I 
drew a crowd about me, and then tell the greedy 
money-lender that it was all a mistake — a case of 
mistaken identity ? I get stagey when I am once 
warmed up, and act my part in a most ferocious 
manner ! At times, quite as' violently as did 
James Owen — the great tragedian who more than 
flourished during the latter part of this century, 
although my ranting wants the lofty thought 
which characterized James's paroxysms. 

And the bridge of the Rialto — is there another 
such bridge ? You say yes ; there is one like it 
spanning the Arno. It is true, they resemble 
each other : both are lined with shops ; but Shake- 
speare hasn't passed his characters over the Ponte 
Vecchio — that greatest magician hasn't touched 
this bridge with his wand. 
NO, OUR EXPERIENCES I havc mct thc Merchant of 

ARE NOT ALL ALIKE. Vcnicc. My mcrchant deals in 
clothes. I can't sa}^ that his name was Antonio. 
After he had taken my measure he said, or seemed 
to say: " Behold the world but as the world, a 
stage where every man must play a ^^dirt, and 7ftme, 
a sad one.'' You see, he had agreed to construct 
a suit of clothes for me for a certain sum of money 



Fonr Centuries After 327 



regardless of my size, and my nice proportions de- 
ceived him — deceived a Jew ! It took much cloth 
to encompass me about, and my Merchant of Ven- 
ice breathed forth the above immortal announce- 
ment. I do not recall his saying that, " My purse, 
my purse, my extreme means lie all unlocked to 
your accession." I doubt whether he would have 
been thus liberal, even had I told him of my Por- 
tia. To tell the truth, I have no Portia in view — 
and now, while I have your ear at close range, I 
■may confess that no countess has proposed our 
flying " to some unsuspected isle in the far sea." 
This neglect, however, is doubtless all owing to 
the weather. It is not the time of the year — it is 
not balmy enough to betray a countess into mak- 
ing so compromising a proposition. Nor has a 
wealthy old banker invited me to come right into 
his home and help make the time fly pleasantly 
for the other less sedate members of his household. 
This teaches us one thing at least, namely, that 
the experiences of those making a brief sojourn at 
Venice are not all alike — and this is doubtless 
well, and as it should be. If we were all invited 
to become the guests of a banker or to take the 
wings of the morning and some prepossessing 
countess and fly to an unsuspected isle in the 
sea, Venice would become a sort of Mecca and the 
unsuspected islands of the sea would become 
about as scarce as " the island of the Seven 
Cities." 



I WOULD I WERE A — 



328 Fo2ir Centuries After 

XXV 

A week's sojourn at Venice has 
dissipated my fancy picture of her 
in a setting of everlasting balmy, blooming Spring. 
The resolution to seek a more congenial clime is 
fixed — I will cross the Mediterranean, to the land 
of the Pharaohs, and pay my respects to Rameses 
the Second ; then make the pilgrimage of the 
Christian's Mecca (purchase a few car-loads of 
souvenirs, cunningly fashioned from olive-wood ' 
from the Mount of Olives, which I will send home 
to boom my subscription list) ; then, as Southern 
Europe begins to settle into the lap of ardent 
Spring, I'll come back and continue my search 
among the local ruins of the Roman Empire. 
ANOTHER " BUT ! " But, "My dcar sir, you have 

TURNS UP. forgotten something ! " This 

last observation is borrowed, and a feeling of 
justice leads me to explain how I came by it. A 
few days before sailing from New York I stepped 
into a restaurant, took a seat at a vacant table, and 
ordered my dinner. A moment later a man came 
in, and took the seat opposite me at the same table. 
His appearance indicated that he and prosperit}^ 
had fallen out, which fact was made more evident 
by his painful attempt to conceal it. He seemed 
to be laboring under the same misfortune that 
restrained the movements of the late lamented 
Mr. Crowley, of the Zoo — that he had been spend- 
ing some of his time sliding around on the benches 
of the parks was too evident by the worn condi- 



Four Centwies After 329 

tion of his breeches at a point that would naturally 
come in contact with said benches. He hastily 
concealed this bit of evidence of the ravages of 
time in the chair, and held up his left hand with 
the index finger extended. A waiter hurried to 
his side and took his order for a rather elaborate 
dinner. How I envied him his appetite ! The 
wine and hot soup warmed the inner man, his eyes 
brightened — he began to talk. I asked him if I 
hadn't seen him before. (I couldn't recollect 
that I had.) I might have seen him at Washing- 
ton, he replied, where he had spent several years 
in the vain hope of receiving an appointment. He 
had recently come to New York to look for some- 
thing to do,, and he hadn't succeeded in finding 
that something. He confidentially told me that 
up at his home in Vermont they supposed he was 
prospering, and the last letter from home con- 
tained an invitation to help eat the Christmas 
turkey with them once more. It seemed that this 
mention of home afforded him much pleasure — as 
though he saw more warmth and cheer in the past 
than the future held out to him. 

I got up from the table, and, picking up my 
dinner check, walked up to the cashier's desk and 
handed it in with the exact amount called for 
therein. My vis-a-vis also picked up his bill of 
expenses and came chatting along at my side, but 
instead of following my example at the desk he 
passed on toward the entrance. The alert eye of the 
cashier caught his flank movement and he extem- 
porized the observation : "My dear sir, you have 



33° Fow Centuries After 

forgotten something ! " I looked back to our 
table; nothing but dishes, cleaned of every vestige 
of a dinner, remained to mark the place my chance 
acquaintance had just occupied. He looked 
pained and disappointed ; then, as he slowly 
walked to the desk, he began searching his pockets. 
It was too true — he had forgotten something. 
Pulling himself together, and handing me his 
dinner check, he said, in an easy, neighborly way, 
as though we had been intimately acquainted for 
years : " Here, settle for this, and I will hand you 
the change next time I see you." I paid the bill, 
rather than see them use a stomach pump on him. 
WHAT IS OUR SPE- Ycs, I had evidently forgotten 

ciALTY? something — had overlooked the 

fact that the surplus of cash in the treasury was 
getting low. It's usually easier getting away from 
home than getting back to the starting-point. A 
wise person will always keep the means of getting 
back in view. I was very anxious to get across 
the Mediterranean, but found that it costs quite 
as much to cross that body of water as it does' to 
get from America to Europe. What was I to do — 
turn pirate ? Maybe my reputation as a Great 
Discoverer calls for some such desperate act — some 
nefarious crime. I repeat, I wished to sustain the 
reputed standard of greatness, and recent biog- 
raphers of the great and only Columbus show a 
marked disposition to take him down from his 
lofty pose as a saint and hero. They have set 
about it in a quiet way, to be sure, but their ulti- 
mate intention is quite plain, and I anticipate (all 



Four Centuries After 331 



penetrating minds are prone to anticipate) a still 
further drop for Columbus. History, and a simple 
law of physics, show that it is easier to pull a per- 
sonage off a lofty pedestal than it is to place him 
thereon. Recent biographers insinuate (I believe 
that is the word) that Columbus may have been a 
sort of ocean " tramp," in the sense that the epi- 
thet might have been applied in his day ; then, 
as a sort of apology, they add that his short- 
comings were largely those of his age, as though 
he intended them (his shortcomings) as a courtesy 
to his age. So it seems that my first duty is 
to look about me and determine just what the 
shortcomings of my age are — find out our spe- 
cialty. I will frankly admit (frankness is one of 
my virtues) that my knowledge of theshortcomings 
of my age is quite meagre — I have been studying 
its virtues so closely I have no doubt its repre- 
sentative shortcomings have escaped my obser- 
vation. I don't wish to launch out with a scanty 
repertoire, as I believe nothing so disheartens a 
sensitive manager as to have the garden truck and 
calcium light thrown on out of season. At first, 
I thought I would be able to personate " the vil- 
lain of the high seas " in a very creditable manner ; 
but my ignorance of the leading shortcomings of 
my age and the want of a deep bass voice lead me 
reluctantly to assume another role. No, I will not 
hoist the black flag ; I will go above-board. This 
was my resolution after due deliberation, and 
after-events will show how faithfully I carried 
out this resolution to g^o above-board. 



33^ Four Centuries After 

NEGOTIATING MY I resolvcd to go to the office 

FLIGHT. of some Mediterranean steam- 

ship line and ascertain the cost of a passage 
on the cross-trees. I'll not say whether I went 
to the Florio Rubitino Line, or the P. & O., 
or to some other line of steamers, as to name 
any one would be giving them a gratuitous adver- 
tising — and there is another reason why I should 
not name the line which- spirited me into Cleo- 
patra's land, and I will not even divulge this last 
reason for keeping the means of my flight a secret. 
I stepped into a certain office and inquired for the 
manager — not as though I wished to charter a 
steamer, nor as one would ask for the price of a 
drink, but with a mild degree of dignity — a happy 
mean, I presume. I asked the manager what ac- 
commodation he had, aside from first and second 
class as described in his prospectus. He replied 
that they had none. I told him I was very anxious 
to get into Egypt, but that at present I didn't feel 
able to pay for either accommodation described in 
his catalogue — that I would gladly accept a state- 
room forward of the mast, or abaft the rudder-post, 
at a reduced rate — and I showed him my letter of 
introduction from Mr. Blaine, which requested all 
whom it might concern to assist bearer on his 
way. I didn't tell him that I had met with a re- 
verse of fortune, or that I expected to fall heir to 
some vast estate which I would share with him — 
later on. But he may have inferred all this, as 
the bath, laundry, and merchant of Venice had 
lent an appearance of high respectability to my 



Four Centuries After t^t^t, 



general effect. He may have mistaken me for 
some American nobleman who had sold himself 
""short." I don't know what he thought, but he 
said that they did have a contract with the Italian 
Government to transport soldiers, when called 
upon to do so, at a very moderate price per head. 
The accommodation consisted of a tent on deck ; 
and if the case were urgent he would speak to the 
captain of the vessel then lying in port and see 
what arrangement he could make for my accom- 
modation. I replied, in my classical style, that 
necessity, and not my pride, consented to any ar- 
rangement that would get me across the Med- 
iterranean ; that I felt the impulse to cross to 
Egypt maybe as strong as did Mark Antony, 
although the impulse that harassed me sprang 
not exactly from the same source as did that 
which impelled the great Roman Triumvir to leave 
Octavia, his standing army, and his country so 
abruptly to go to rehearsal. He smiled, and 
seemed to become interested in my enterprise, 
and bade me call on the morrow. 

I called on the morrow, and he 

ON A HATCH — FOR ' 

"TWENTY-ONE Said hc had talked with the cap- 
°'^^®' ■ tain and purser of the outgoing 

steamer, and they had agreed to place the steamer 
at my disposal — not the whole of it, but a clean 
little tent placed on a hatch over the hold of it, 
in which I could be monarch, as I was to be the 
only one of that style of passenger. 

So I was to be a thing apart, very exclusive and 
airy. I would escape the sewage gas, the bilge 
water, feeing the head waiter, etc. 



334 Four Centuries After 

XXVI 
The day came for our depart- 

EVERV COURTESY. ' . 

lire from Venice, and I went 
aboard the ship that was to bear me hence, and 
possibly thence. As I stepped from the gang- 
plank, the purser came forward and inquired, " Is 
this Mr. Holt?" I frankly acknowledged my 
identity. It seems that my striking personality 
and the clothes I wear are easily described and 
recognized. The purser didn't send me to my 
state-room with a low-browed porter, but person- 
ally escorted me thereto, and showed me how to 
ring for hot and cold water ; how to reef or " fold 
my tent like the Arabs " in case of a gale, and 
advised me to crawl out from under the tent on 
the leeward side in the event of our shipping 
heavy seas. He named certain hours when I 
should stealthily go to the pantry, just off the 
main dining-saloon, where I would find everything 
that was served at the first table, at my disposal. 
He concluded by saying that the manager at the 
office had requested that I should be made com- 
fortable. It would seem that this manager really 
suspected me of being a perfect gentleman, tem- 
porarily embarrassed, while in truth I was never 
embarrassed, save, possibly, on a certain occasion 
up in Germany. The hour having arrived for our 
ship to cast off her hawser, she very deftly cast it 
off. I detect her in the act. I am right up on 
deck where the ship's modus operandi can't escape 
my vigilant observation. I am also near where 



Four Centuries After 335 

the infernal little engine, called a " donkey " (quite 
properly so called), is stabled. This little fellow 
can't bray, but he can make more noise while in 
port than the old grist-mill up our way. After 
the usual preliminary, our ship got in motion and 
steamed slowly down the lagoon to Porto di Mala- 
mocco, through which tortuous channel she felt 
her way, casting a hawser over a pile here and 
there, to assist in bringing her about some sharp 
angle in her vague course. This procedure seemed 
strangely undignified in a majestic ocean steamer, 
but it would have been much less becoming to run 
her into the doubtful depths of the slimy sea-weed 
margin of the channel — and I voted our mariner 
due credit as a navigator. 

As we steamed down the Adri- 

WHAT, TEARS ? . -^ , . , 

atic, I turned my attention to the 
city in the sea. Evening was coming on ; the 
sun, still partly obscured, was discoloring the 
clouds in the west, and the mist that hung over 
the lagoon caught these warm tints and, in turn, 
reflected them to the cold marbles of the city 
beneath. Thus, in my last view of this city, as 
she sank lower and lower in the sea whence she 
sprang, I saw Venice, the only Venice, the Venice 
I had looked for so long. 

XXVI 

THE PURSER INTER- I passcd a comfortablc night 

VIEWS ME. rolled up in my mantle, in my 

little tent, dreaming as peacefully as an Arab. The 



Foil)' Centuries After 



clouds have rolled away, or we have steamed from 
beneath them, and everything but below decks is 
flooded with Italian sunshine. I pace up and 
down my deck, little molested by the less fortunate 
passengers away aft, who look longingly my way 
and wonder what it is. During the day the purser 
calls at my state-room and asks after my health — 
if I get air enough, or shall he order the port-hole 
of my state-room opened, have I had use for the 
spewing cup ? On the whole, he manifests a lively, 
playful interest in my welfare. I tell him I am in 
excellent health and spirits, and only wish that all 
his guests were in as comfortable a state of mind, 
soul and body, not to mention the resentful 
stomach. He asks if I wouldn't like to occupy a 
state-room. I reply that I wouldn't exchange my 
airy quarters for his best bridal chamber. He 
laughs at my light and airy replies, and when he 
has again subsided, he continues, confidentially, 
with the information that there is a certain party 
aboard — an elderly gentleman and his daughter — 
who occupy a suite of rooms away aft, who have 
asked many questions about the gentleman in 
the tent — his name, whence he came, and where 
bound, and requests the purser to see that I am 
quite comfortable, and, if such an arrangement 
were agreeable to me, to invite me to accept a 
state-room and a place at their table-^provided 
such an arrangement could be made without 
making known the benevolent party offering to 
meet the additional expense. As soon as I am 
satisfied that the purser is not trying to personate 



Four Centuries After 337 

Tantalus, I thank him very cordially, and tell 
him that it is my policy not to accept charity ; in 
fact, I am not a subject of charity — that I believe 
I am getting more out of the voyage than any 
other passenger. He looks surprised at this, and 
guardedly gives it as his opinion that I am reject- 
ing an opportunity of a lifetime — from which I 
infer that he sees something beyond the mere 
acceptance of the favor at hand. " You can't 
most always sometimes tell the thing you least 
expect the most," can you ? It is quite evident 
that a sorry mistake has been made all around. 
We can't too well guard our identity. Not long 
since, I heard of a man who, while standing around 
waiting for a train, was mistaken for a mail-pouch 
by a swiftly passing mail-train, and nearly lost his 
life in the grip of a patent pouch-catcher. These 
people, I fear, are making almost as ludicrous a 
mistake, but I won't let so trivial a matter worry 
me and mar my enjoyment of the Adriatic scenery. 
We anchor before beautiful An- 

BEAUTIFUL ANCONA 

—A MORE CONGENIAL coua, just as dawn is breaking. 
CLIME. rpj^^ summit of the ridge of moun- 

tains against which this little city rests is receiving 
its first coat of gilding, the reflected splendor of 
the eastern horizon, while from beneath, at the 
level of our ship, we look up out of a darkness 
that contrasts strangely with the coloring above. 
Save for the distant notes of convent bells, which 
are borne down from their lofty height on a gentle 
morning breeze, the city is still as quiet as the 
city of our dreams. After receiving mail aboard. 



338 Four Centuries After 



we again steam southward, and do not make 
another stop until we enter the port of Brindisi, 
and stop alongside her commodious quays. As 
our vessel is to remain in this port for a few 
hours, I saunter off up-town. The run of two 
days has carried us into a much more congenial 
climate than that of Venice. I linger for some 
time in an orange-grove, to which the fruit still 
lends its warm color, wondering all the time that 
some one doesn't come along and hoist me out. 
It may be that my deceptive appearance of re- 
spectability deceives even the people of Southern 
Italy ; and I feel that I should like to stay until 
the illusion wears off. But I go back to our 
vessel, and when they see that I am all aboard 
a«gain, the captain gives the word and away we 
go. The next place we touch, unless we touch* 
bottom en route, will be Alexandria, Egypt. And 
we go skimming away o'er the voluptuous swell 
of the southern sea toward the Greek coast. 
Along toward evening, our eastern horizon is 
marked here and there by distant snow-capped 
mountains, their dim outline easily mistaken for 
the banks of cumulus clouds piled up by their sides. 
And here again I realize how deceptive are appear- 
ances ; a short-lived cloud, to all appearance one 
of the everlasting mountains of classical Greece ! 
THE PURSER HOLDS Thls aftcmoon the purser calls 

OUT THE BAIT AGAIN, again and asks me how I like it — 
if I slept well, etc. I tell him that the howling of 
" All's well ! " by the pup on the dog-watch is get- 
ting a little monotonous, and ask if he can't be 



Four Centuries After 339 



muzzled. I report that last incense-breathing 
morn got up with a bad breath, and that the boys 
began squirting water about the decks at an un- 
seasonable hour ; but I very much doubt whether 
all this is any more disagreeable than the rosy-morn 
below decks — at least, of the two, I prefer my 
lofty perch. And then I go into ecstasies over 
my recent researches in astronomy, enumerate the 
many advantages and the few disadvantages of 
my tent as an observatory — tell him that, at nearly 
every yelp of the dog-watch throughout the long 
night, I crawl out and sweep the heavens with my 
upturned face — and that should a " long-haired 
star " wander our way I intend to christen it, and 
make my name immortal in astronomy at least — 
yes, if relentless vigilance makes up for a defective 
and rather primitive apparatus, I am sure to catch 
some heavenly wanderer — possibly a transmigrat- 
ing soul, or a mild degree of lunacy. Fearing 
that he may think me already inoculated with the 
latter, and have me put in irons, I check my 
enthusiasm and give him an opportunity to say 
something. And what do you suppose he chooses 
for his topic ? The intrepid fellow at once refers 
to the benevolent party who would adopt me on 
probation. Warming up, he imparts the further 
information, which he accidentally gleaned from 
a conversation in the after saloon, that these 
people met me in Milan while standing before 
" The Last Supper," on which occasion I lent 
them my Baedeker, they having left theirs at 
their hotel. I do recollect the circumstances, but 



340 Four Centuries After 

fail to see wherein this slight token of courtesy- 
calls for such generous returns. Here he whispers 
something in my capacious ear. I faint — or, rather, 
feel that I should if I were before the foot-lights. 

XXVII 

MAN AND THE Ei.E- It Is evcnlng — evening along 

MENTs CONSPIRE. ^^g ^Q^st of Grcecc. The moon 
is full. It seems that she is addicted to the 
same habits which have marked her course all 
along, up our way ; but she is brighter — much 
more radiant — to-night than I ever saw her before. 
The light which she sheds to-night renders reading 
ordinary print quite easy. I lean over the hand- 
rail and listen to the wash of the long waves 
against the side of the vessel and to the gentle 
lapping of the minor ones ; I watch the shimmer 
of the moonlit sea and the line of phosphorescent 
splendor marking our path. 
"that FACE, IT Are not these conditions enough 

HAUNTS ME." |-q maddeu one of my delicate 

sensibilities? It seems not. I'm to be subjected 
to a further test. My mind wanders back to the 
benevolent party. I see his face. I also see her 
face — this is very natural, as I found them to- 
gether. And I ask myself : " Have I struck a 
chord in the breast of the old gentleman — a thrill 
that shall continue to pulsate till it becomes one 
grand ecstatic throb ? " 

PROFOUNDLY INTER- I must admit that, in spite of 

ESTED, BUT— j-^y calm ttaturc, I am getting in- 

terested. And right here, dear reader, I find that 



Four Cenhiries After 341 

I must bid you farewell ! I regret very much the 
parting, but it must take place now, even though 
we are on the deep, deep sea, as I find that my 
book has grown thick enough. You have trudged 
along so cheerily with me, through sunshine and 
shower, your laugh has been so hearty while 
your tears have been sincere, I have become at- 
tached to you, and I long to have you go with me 
into Egypt, to listen to the palm-tree's passionate 
sighing, while we sit in her shade, lunching on 
genuine sand'^\c\iQ.?> and dates from the Great 
Desert. What a glorious time we would have ! 
But we will not linger over vain regrets — it is bad 
for the digestion. 

With this, the Great Explorer enters his tent and 
drops the 



CURTAIN. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



020 678 760 



